Ask E. Jean For DearSugar: Can a Relationship Without Sex Work?

Dear E. Jean,

I'm trying to sort out my dilemma, which concerns the man I've been dating for two months — he's 34, me 30. We have an incredible amount of things in common, laugh a lot together, both have our ducks in a row career-wise and financially. We love surfing together, making dinner, biking, we've traveled together twice without a hitch, gee what a match!

Well after about a month of wonderful, he freaks out and doesn't call me one night we have plans. I call him the next day, and he tells me he had a freak-out because we’ve been having sex, which doesn't align with his Christian values. Now he knows it's wrong. So end result, he wants to date, but no more sex.

He's been engaged twice before, both ended by the ladies. He thinks he may have rushed into the engagements because he's Christian and believes in waiting until marriage for sex.

Another month goes by. He says I've been “amazing and sweet”. He says I’m fun and he likes that I don't play games. He says I "have all the qualities he would want in a girlfriend," but he's not there yet. My stunned response was "it's only been two months . . . we're still just getting to know each other, so dating is fine."

My questions: Am I being let down easy; should I get out now? I wonder why he wants to continue seeing me. I feel like on paper I'm his ideal, attractive, outdoorsy, fun, laid-back, low-maintenance woman but perhaps something is missing for him and he wants to make sure? Or is he just looking to not be alone? Would I regret it more if I ended it now (the constant flip-flopping is killing me), or gave it a chance only to have another whammy delivered later? Or am I overthinking it entirely and should just live my life and let the chips fall where they may?

Speaking of which, we have not had sex since “the talk,” and have barely fooled around, in fact he rarely touches me now — a big problem. He acknowledges that he's not very affectionate.

Help! I can't sleep, because I alternate between crying because I feel so rejected, and angry that he's so all over the map. That's my story. I feel like there’s potential with him, but is it worth it? Oh, I should comment that I am not Christian, but very supportive of his values, and thought it was so refreshing to date someone that believes in faithfulness and honesty and the sanctity of marriage. — Nauseated in San Diego

To see E. Jean's answer read more.

Miss Nauseated, My Luv, I have one word for you: RRRRRRRrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuunnnnnnnn!

This poor lad sounds like a decent guy, but he’s no more “rushing” into marriage than Heidi Montag is rushing to gain weight on her thighs. If he liked sex, he’d have walked down the aisle years and years ago. (Many deeply religious people marry young, make superbly stable marriages, and enjoy just ridiculously hot rumpty dumpty about three times a day.)

So, to answer your questions:
Yes. You are “being let down.”
Yes. You should “get out now.”
Yes. “Something” is “missing for him.”
Yes. You are “overthinking it.”
Yes. He has “more issues than National Geographic.”
And to answer the one question you didn’t ask:
Yes. He is gay.

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