Conventional Wisdom is a different kind of advice column. Your questions will be answered by people from all walks of life rather than by advice experts. This week, an accountant advises a woman who's having a tough time with her boyfriend's pot smoking. Want to throw your hat into the ring? You can submit questions here.
Today's Question:
My boyfriend of over three years has been smoking pot since he was a teenager. I knew this before we started dating, but really thought he would quit by now. He is now 32 years old and still smokes multiple times a day. I've already talked to him about how I don't like it at all and wish he would quit. He then argues that it is better to smoke pot than to drink alcohol or do other heavier drugs. I see his friends that have families and they smoke around their babies and toddlers, but I do not want our kids (if we ever have any) to be exposed to it. Should I put my foot down harder or just let him have his "hobby"?
Signed,
Feeling Low
To see the accountant's answer, read more.
Dear Feeling Low,
It may be true that someone who smokes a lot of pot is no worse than someone who drinks a lot of alcohol, but you are wise to consider your future.
Now unless you are really warped, having kids usually makes you grow up and become responsible to some extent. But since you and he hang around others that haven't changed, my guess is that you can't count on a baby to stop the drug habit.
Now consider some really hard facts. Having kids will cost a lot, and smoking pot will really cut into your diaper budget. Since weed doesn't come with a filter, he is wrecking his health. Not to mention, lung cancer kills! So do you really want your boyfriend to increase his chances of contracting this nasty disease in the future? And don't forget about paying for all that extra medical attention. I don't know about you, but I think that insurance companies take our medical premiums and then tell us it isn't covered when we get sick. Besides, when was the last time you paid less when you went to the doctors? Cut out the weed and you can plow that money into a 401K so that when you retire you won't have to work a part-time job as a Wal-Mart greeter!
The bottom line, as we accountants like to put it, is that you need to find a new boyfriend and hang around with folks that get high on life. Ask yourself the question: how much do I love myself? Take it from a CPA, if you value yourself, the choice to move on with a new guy should add up and pay you many dividends in the future. Good luck!
Signed,
The CPA (Certified Pot Adviser)
My-Wardrobe.com
My dad smoked pot since he was a kid, and I didn't know he even smoked until I was 14 years old when I found it in the garage. He never smoked around us, and he did so because my mom asked him to. I see nothing wrong with smoking pot at all, but it's a personal preference. Instead of thinking about your "potential kids", which I feel is just an even greater excuse to get what you want, think about the here and now. Is this a dealbreaker for you? If he likes to smoke pot and you can't accept it, then either start getting over it real quick, or start moving on. You were with him despite his hobby for a while, presumably...what is the deal now? Your "future" kids? The fact that you just don't like it? He is 32, not dead. Smoking pot does not mean you are not grown up. He just has different opinions/likes and dislikes than you. If he won't stop because you asked, good for him. If you ever do have children and he can't stop smoking in front of him, then kick him out. Deal with one thing at a time. You can't ask him to give up something that is totally harmless. I understand why you would want him to stop, or if you think that doing drugs, no matter what drug, is just crazy and creepy. If it bugs you, find a new boyfriend. But don't pretend it's because he's not grown up -- he is -- he is just not catering to your every demand.
1I completely agree Chrstne. I have one of those well husband now, but I was on the same wavelength as feeling low, when we were first together. I asked him to stop, I didn't want my family knowing I was in love with a "pothead." He loves me and so he stopped. Now I don't care if he smokes, he doesn't drink and he smokes less cigarettes which in my opinion are much worse for you. He is a great dad, has a wonderful job and we even have money to put into a 401K!
2What I don't understand is why you thought there would be such a big difference between 29 and 32? Obviously he was doing it when you met. If it bothers you, don't date a pot smoker!
3Unless I took up the hobby myself, I don't think I could stand it.
all things in moderation, as long as he doesnt let it take over his life I think its fine.
4While I largely agree with the above comments, I think the key words here are:
"multiple times a day"
To me that suggests a habit that's more than casual.
Of course, questions of what's "casual" aside, if this person is really unhappy and she and her bf can't compromise, that cuts to larger issues re: differing values, expectations, etc. that may be afflicting their relationship beyond just this one issue.
5I would have dumped him. I could never date someone who smokes weed (or does any kind of drugs or smoke cigs). I don't believe that BS that it is harmless. I know for certain it causes a serious case of stupid and that doesn't turn me on. Dump him if he won't quit it. Find a man drug free.
6If he smoked when you got together, what is it that made you think he would suddenly stop? I am confused. How could you get together with someone and be dating them for such a long time and all the sudden this is a problem? I smoke pot, so does my husband, we've both been smoking for about 10 years each. We don't smoke around our child and we're both "grown up" and handle all of our responsiblities. There really is nothing wrong with smoking pot but there is something wrong with claiming to love and support your significant other while really secretly hoping to change them. I wouldn 't give him an ultimatum about smoking, I'd break up with him and give him and chance to find someone who loves and accepts him for who he is, regardless of his smoking habits...
7I completely agree with Chrstne.
8That's the thing when you get into a relationship with someone thinking you can change that person. You can't. You have to either accept it (and by accept it I mean that you will be fine with it, not that you'll tolerate it for X more years) or move on.
9Multiple times a day! That's like drinking alcohol multiple times a day.
10That's all fine when you are just dating, I guess.
I know someone (with kids) who lost two jobs due to pot smoking.
Move on.
This might not be a big deal if he was just smoking on weekends, but how does he smoke multiple times a day and have a job? Does he work while he's high? And just because he says "it is better to smoke pot than to drink alcohol or do other heavier drugs" doesn't mean that he HAS to do any of those things.
11I agree with CPA. And just what kind of "hobby" is that supposed to be. Tell him to take up pottery, no pun intended. and move on
12In response to Chouette4u "This might not be a big deal if he was just smoking on weekends, but how does he smoke multiple times a day and have a job? Does he work while he's high?"
It's possible to smoke more than once a day and still maintain a job without working while your high. I smoke more than once a day most days and still go to work everyday, not high, and go to school full time and get basically all A's, not high. Smoking once or a few times a day doesn't mean that that's the only thing you do and aren't able to have any responsibilities.
13I wouldn't have started dating him the first place, I'm completely turned off by pot smokers. I absolutely hate when people smoke pot around me. I don't care that they do it just don't do around me is all I ask.
If your situation, you need to explain to him how it feels and if he's unwilling to change then it might be time for you to let this relationship go.
14i agree 100% with chrstne, anonymous, and lilashleyxox.
you guys said it all perfectly.
15oh, and the question up there shouldn't be "should i LET my boyfriend smoke pot?". he's an adult, not a child. and she's his girlfriend, not his mother.
16What about those friends who expose their babies to second hand smoke? Marijuana has more tar than regular cigs, so it coats the lungs more. Asthma, bronchitis, etc.
17Okay I wrote out this whole thing and it crashed so sorry if I double post. Basically I think you should care about your future kids, because it will be an issue then. You shouldn't wait to have kids with him and then kick him out like Christne said. Just ask his opinion and see what he's willing to do. Maybe it's not a big deal for him. However, you have known all along that he smokes so I wouldn't expect much. Most people do mature over time, but that doesn't mean they change who they are. I don't like any kind of smoke, so it would be a deal breaker from the beginning. I think you should let him know how you feel and be prepared to find someone who might be better suited for what you want.
18I guess you have to weigh everything up. When I met my now husband he was heavily into pot and I didn't like how he acted differently when he smoked to the days he didn't. Like any drug, it may be relaxing (I wouldn't call it a "hobby") but it's an escape. He gave up for me but was happy about it. Twenty years on he's not into any of it. I appreciated him giving it up when I explained how I felt. I didn't demand it and I don't know that I would have left him over it if he refused to give up. Personally I'm not anti all drug use but I was never interested myself. There are way better ways to relax or feel good that using drugs. Couples change some behavior for each other, to make the relationship work and keep it positive. He should take you seriously if he cares about you. If he doesn't care how you feel about it that's a worry.
19In my experience, I don't know any pot smoker whose life hasn't been negatively affected by it. Pot ruined two of my relationships because they became completely different people when they smoked. I think its fine once in a while when your young and have no major responsibilities but at 32? I'd move in quick. Hes never gonna stop, kids or not. How pathetic.
20Last I checked, boyfriends didn't have to ask their girlfriends for permission to live their lives. If you don't like him or his hobbies, then you need to leave and stop bothering him. Trying to change him is not a good option imo.
21This is the same situation I am in. I don't live with my boyfriend but I know he smokes at least once daily. He knows I hate it that he smokes and we have been close to breaking up because he doesn't feel that he should stop smoking and I honestly hate the smell and feel that its stupid to smoke something so that it can "help you relax"-why take a drug when you can do other non drug related things and get the same effect! We dont plan on breaking up our relationship over this because it wouldnt be worth it-so all I ask is dont smoke before we see eachother, when I'm around or tell me about your smoking-
22do you reckon his personality and what he does with his life would change if he quit? if you cant meet eye to eye on it then yeah, you should leave. it's his decision to make and he cant walk in your shoes to see how it's affecting your life. weed doesnt even need to exist. people say it doesnt have any side effects cause it's seen as a common life choice like smoking or drinking.. everyone subtly deludes themselves about the consequences of these things, and i doubt he'll change the values it's created anytime soon. he's obviously been using it as a means of support for a long time, and i expect he convinced himself he needs it to continue being himself a long time ago. im not saying that being unable to support yourself without drugs is a really bad/weak thing, but that its not the only choice, and it's certainly not always the best one!
23Ok this is to the person who posted the answer to this comment. You are an idiot! Seriously weed has never been linked to marijuana actually the study that was just done shows that nothing in marijuana can casue cancer. CPA my ass come on buddy if you know your stuff than actually tell the truth, or if you are going to lie try to actually look up your information first. I am a marijuana activist and have been for a while if you need information on marijuana watch the movie THE UNION it is the most influenctial peice of information if you need any to help you understand. IDIOT
24I meant weed has never been linked to cancer not weed has never been linked to marijuana
25The person who asked this question should have been more specific on what she wanted to know.
Is pot "bad" ?
No. In fact the active ingredient THC reverses the process of brain cells turning cancerous.
I would tell this woman that she should relax, and smoke with her husband, or BF. That's probably ass he wants to begin with. Why not base your decision on how TCH effects the person and their productiveness rather than on what some ranting accountant thinks.
Besides, what merit does an accountant have in this subject to say anything to begin with? Only facts can be used to make a health related decision, not emotions. Emotions should be left to the person asking the question to figure out and contemplate, not the person giving advice.
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