First some backstory: when I was 14, I really liked a guy from camp. He was the first, and until now, the only boy I have ever liked. I knew I would never see him again and I didn’t want to regret never knowing if he liked me, too, so I told him I liked him. It backfired. Since then I have flat-out refused to have anything to do with any men because I don't want to get my heart broken again. If a guy ever showed any interest in me — even if I sort of liked him, too — I would never let anything happen. I was so sure that as soon as I showed interest he would change his mind, just like the guy from camp did back then.
Fast-forward to my second year of university, I still have zero trust in guys and have never had a boyfriend: I am too scared of depending on someone else for my happiness. However, about a month ago, I met a guy at a gig that I really liked. We had a really fun night together — no sex or anything — we just hung out, talked heaps, and made out. He was very patient with me, and when I apologized for my lack of dating experience and general awkwardness, he said it was fine — that he would have been more disappointed if I hadn’t been myself.
However, because of my fear that he would decide he no longer liked me, I ruined things by accidentally acting disinterested and brushing him off. He got my unintended "hint," kissed me goodbye, and he left without us exchanging numbers — again, my fault, he had asked me earlier for my number, but I accidentally cut him off because I wanted us to go look at something. I didn't realize it came across as uninterested. Even worse, after he kissed me goodbye, like an idiot, I said, "It was nice meeting you," and didn't bother to ask him to stay or anything. I was just so worried about coming across as clingy and that he’d get annoyed at me or something.
As soon as he left, I was devastated because I knew I would never see him again. I tried Facebook-stalking him but I don't know his last name. Then it dawned on me, I do know enough about him to find him in person; that is, I know enough that would lead me to him very easily if I were to ask around and crash one of his university’s parties. My only problem with this is it feels a bit stalkerish. I feel like if it’s meant to be between us, then I’ll naturally run into him again, but at the same time, do we not create our own fates? I figure maybe it is up to fate, but do I need to make an effort? After all, if he hadn’t made the effort of approaching me in the first place, none of this would’ve happened.
Any thoughts? Should I make the effort to see him again or stop being creepy and let it go? I’m just so scared that I’ll meet him and he won’t want me anymore anyway, which would be even more disappointing than never seeing him again. Help!