Dear E. Jean,
I find myself in a very strange, very frightening situation. You will not see my real name anywhere on this post, because people are threatening me. I am a good, kind, hard-working 29-year-old woman. I have a wonderful fiancé who is finishing his surgery residency and we are planning a June wedding. Because I made a terrible mistake and carried on a brief affair before I became engaged — it lasted all of one week — with my boss (who is female, by the way), I am being blackmailed by a horrible man at work.
Two months ago he demanded $600 in cash. I gave it to him. Last month he demanded $800 in cash and I gave it to him. (This may not sound like a lot of money to you, E. Jean or to the DearSugar ladies, but I promise you, it was very difficult to find an extra $800.) He seems to be well aware of how much I make, and this month (yesterday on the 15th,) he asked for $1000. He says if I don’t pay him, he will go to the CEO and “out” me and my boss. I believe him.
If he goes to the CEO, I will lose my job and so will the woman with whom I had the affair. What should I do? This can’t go on! I don’t have the money! I will have to go to the bank and borrow to pay him the $1000. Please, please help me. I don’t want my fiancé to find out, I don’t want to lose my job! And I don’t know which way to turn!
— Alias in New York.
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My Dear Miss Alias,
Go to the authorities. The man marked you out as an easy victim; and all I can say is: He's about to get the surprise of his idiot life! He’s a criminal, a maggot, what he’s doing is illegal, and he will roast his foul carcass in jail for it. Here are the steps to take:
- Keep your wits about you.
- Behave at the office as you always behave (i.e., don't tip him off that you are about to take action).
- Make copies of your bank statements, any threats, any emails that contain even the smallest inference of his asking you for money, and also write down everything that has happened from the first moment he blackmailed you. That means dialogue, time, place — all details.
- When you have (quickly!) gathered the evidence (and alas, it sounds like you do not have too much) go to your local district attorney’s office and file a complaint. A prosecutor will then issue an arrest warrant for the guy — or (more probably) set up a sting operation to catch the worm in the act of taking money from you. You can also go to the police, or to your county sheriff’s office.
- Now comes the hard part: Alert your friend/boss what is happening. Nobody knows for certain what went on between the two of you, so my advice to you both is: Refuse to admit anything. Characterize the blackmailer’s accusation as “the frivolous wishful thinking of the office schlub.” You and your boss can figure out how to tell the CEO that one of his employees is attempting to blackmail you over something that is “too ridiculous to even imagine.”
- And now the really hard part: Tell the truth to your fiancé. But not the details. You can say you had a brief dalliance, it happened before you were engaged, it lasted less than a week, and that you have reported the blackmailer to the police.
Good luck, Miss Alias. Mr. Blackmailing Slimebucket is just about to learn he messed with the wrong woman!
To see more advice from E. Jean visit Elle magazine and AskEJean.com.
La Senza
APC
Levi's
Wow, a lot of lessons to be learned here so make sure you heed every one of them. When things get this messy the only thing you can really do is start telling the truth (they say it sets you free and I do believe that). Fess up to your man and start moving forward. Best wishes
1OMG. That's such a tough situation. You poor girl!!! I totally agree with everything that E. Jean said, and I just want to add that you need to stay as CALM as possible thoughout the whole ordeal. I know this is probably the hardest thing you have ever encountered in your life, but you will get through it, and staying calm will make everything so much easier. Best of luck to you, and find comfort in the fact that justice will be served to that @$$hole!
2Dang E. Jean, that is some kick a** advice!!!
3What a horrible situation.
I would say to save everything that this man sends you and tape conversations. You need to stop paying him because it sounds like you have dished out thousands already and believe me he won't stop asking for money. I'm going to guess your husband to be will eventually wonder why you're losing so much money. It's your hard earned cash you're giving to this man and he doesn't deserve it! you need to go to the police and tell them about the situation. I think your job would rather two employees having a quick fling over having an employee being harassed and blackmailed!
4I agree with E Jean. It all has to be in the open in some manner.
5Great advice but how did the guy find out?
6take him to the cleaners. and tell your fiance. he will appreciate the honesty and not hearing it from someone else later. be strong. kick some ass.
7holy crap.... good luck! I think E Jean's advice is the best way to approach your situation...
8deny deny deny
Wow that is a scary situation to be in... I agree with E. Jean's advice and wish you good luck! I hope everything works out the best way possible for you!
9"how did the guy find out?"
Good question. Chances are if he knows, others do as well. Plus he's proven he's not exactly trustworthy, so he's likely already told someone.
The best thing to do is have it come from you now.
10I wouldn't have paid him anything to begin with. Did he have proof? I would of just denied it.
Be honest with your Fiance and tell him what is happening.
11Come clean to everyone and tell the guy to go *%$K himself. You're getting in way over you're head with the legal crap.
Shouldn't have had an affair in the first place.
Yeah, you will get fired. You probably don't need to work for someone you have slept with anyway.
12sorry if that was rude, but I'm PMSing today.
13Write a book! You'll make way more off the residuals than you are at this job!
I'm only half kidding.
14Hell I'd go to the CEO myself and put in a harassment complaint against the man and state that he is making false claims and threats. If you sit back and take his crap, and then let him go "tell" then it will look like you are trying to hide it, but if you "tell" on him first, then you can leave out what actually occurred and just blame it all on him and never have to admit that anything went on. It sounds very outstretched anyways so you wouldn't have a hard time making someone believe that he just made it up on his own.
So...that's my advice, maybe more controversial, but don't sit back and be a victim. Take charge and beat him at his own game.
15Good Question.. "How did he find out???"
16Come clean to your man and take E. jeans advice...
"If you sit back and take his crap, and then let him go "tell" then it will look like you are trying to hide it, but if you "tell" on him first, then you can leave out what actually occurred and just blame it all on him and never have to admit that anything went on."
Unless the boss fesses up and proves the guy right.
"You probably don't need to work for someone you have slept with anyway."
Agreed.
17Wouldn't he have to prove that you had something going on with your boss in the first place? Otherwise, it looks very high school, where anyone can seemingly make up stuff about the other. Think before you act.
18Deny everything, report him to the police, get him put in prison and sue him for the money he has already taken off you.
19People suck! E. Jean is right in this one. As long as this maniac doesn't have any physical proof (pictures) or anything of the sort you should be OK. Good luck to all of you!
20E Jean's advice is FIERCE! Go for it! Deny deny deny, keep your job, nail his ass!
21HECK YEAH! Go get him! I really do hope you'll keep us posted on this situation. Best of luck to you!!
22i'm afraid that if you try and take him down (which you most definitely should - this guy is horrible), you will have to go down on the way as well. the fact that you have already paid him twice is not so good for you..it makes you look guilty of what he accuses you of. i just don't know if it's reasonable to expect to really get this guy without having to feel any consequences or admit to any wrongdoing yourself. sorry!
i think you should admit EVERYTHING to the CEO or whoever, including your brief fling (which, if it was only a week, doesn't sound so bad to me). if you deny that part, and it somehow comes out later that you lied (which, like others said, is possible because somehow this guy knows and he could have told others), your whole accusation of your blackmailer falls into question also. just come clean about all of it - the truth still makes your blackmailer look the worst of all, which he IS.
23I say, tell your fiance about the affair and the blackmail and go to the police. This sort of activity is illegal and no one deserves what you are going through. Have you talked to your boss about the blackmail? She should be willing to work with you if her job is on the line as well. I hope you get everything worked out. Good luck!
24.
25This guy is breaking the law. No question about that. And I wholeheartedly agree that he should be jailed etc.
But... really, mistakes aren't without consequences. Whether it lasted a week or two, whether it was with a man or a woman, or whether you were engaged or not, you made a huge mistake by cheating and having an affair.
And he is able to blackmail you because you only because you want no consequences from your actions. (Don't we all?) It's too bad, but that's not always possible.
I'm with the others to just start talking. As someone else stated, the truth will set you free.
26Jeeez! I love E. Jeans advise! haha she kicks so much ass
27I don't know if the part where the poster is supposed to claim the guy's accusation is ridiculous will work. After all, she did pay him. Who would pay a blackmailer with nothing real on you? That doesn't add up, and it'll be obvious to everyone. If this goes to court, what is she going to do, lie under oath? Perjury is just as illegal as blackmail. The eyes of the law doesn't care she shagged her boss, but she will get in trouble for lying in court.
If she does want to get this guy for taking her money, denial is just going to make her look dishonest. If she has obvious logical contradictions in her story, the guy can turn it around on her and say she's the liar, she has it in for him, faked evidence against him, and he's the victim here. At the very least, the argument that if his accusations are false, then she had no reason to pay him, therefore her claims that she paid him must be also false could get him off scot free. It'll certainly create a lot of reasonable doubt.
If E Jean means just deny to the CEO... well, if it's going to come out in court anyway. What's the point? To make sure the CEO see her as untrustworthy?
It's still illegal to blackmail, so the rest of the advice sounds good to me. She doesn't have to pay this man, he should face legal consequences for being a blackmailer, but she may just have to face some music in the form of losing the fiance and the job. Either that or face more financial ruin and the truth still tends to have a way of coming out, anyway.
Disclaimer: I am not a lawyer and I do not play one on TV.
28I feel absolutely horrible for you. This man you work with is such a lowlife! I think that you need to take action. First, you need to start saving any communications you have received/are receiving from this guy. Second, you need to speak with the woman you had the affair with. Let her know what is going on & that you are going to take action. Third, you need to speak with your fiance. Yes, it will be difficult. But he loves you, and he deserves to know the truth. Fourth, go to the authorities.
This scum of the earth guy that is blackmailing you deserves to go to jail. Your personal business is yours alone, and shame on him for taking advantage of you!
Other than between you, the women you had the affair with, and your fiance - no one needs to know the real truth. Your boss should be informed that one of his employees is BLACKMAILING another. I think that in this situation your boss will be so concerned with this blackmailing man than worry about the reason he was blackmailing you.
Good luck. And I really hope you do decide to follow my advice (and the advice of dear sugar). Don't let this guy get away with this. If you give him this money he will continue to ask for more and more. He won't stop unless you make him.
29good luck - dearsguar's advice is the best, and i couldn't give any better.
30that's an awful situation, and if you explain to your fiance, he will understand. just tread lightly.
Anyone seen the movie "Derailed" with Jennifer Anisten? Similar situation....The guy got his revenge with out getting busted...too bad real life couldn't work out so smoothly.
31"I don't know if the part where the poster is supposed to claim the guy's accusation is ridiculous will work. After all, she did pay him. Who would pay a blackmailer with nothing real on you?"
Good point.
32For once, E. Jean's on the money. It's time to take action!
33Go to the cops. That's illegal!
34Your fiancé may even find it a turn on that you were with a woman! Who knows... Just chalk it up to wanting a last crazy experience before you got married. At least you didn't have an orgy with a bunch of drunken guys in a club. You could even downplay it a little...
And I think you should come clean to your boss; because once this goes to court, he will figure out that he really happened just from the fact you paid off the guy the first two times.
If you really can't handle coming clean to your boss and your fiancé, you could also call the guy's bluff, and refuse to give him the money. That will only work if he has no actual PROOF. When he comes out with your story and starts telling people, just deny it. When he says you already gave him money, just deny it. Keep denying.
But frankly... the truth WILL set you free. Honesty is what I would go with. 100%. To all the people involved.
Good luck to you; it's not going to be easy, but what you did really is forgivable, so start with that - forgive yourself, say the truth, and stay strong.
35Karma?
36Get evidence of him black-mailing you and take it to the police, or show him and threaten to take it to the police and to your boss, at least if you go down you can take him with you!
37Leave the firm and come clean with your fiance. The consequences of coming clean won't be as bad as the blackmail. Because with blackmail, even after you succumb to his requests, the truth will still be out. It makes you look even worse since you made such an effort to hide it. Definitely tell your boss as well so you both can handle the situation. Perhaps the guy is also blackmailing your boss. If you leave the firm and asks your boss for good reference and find another job, you still have a good future.
38E. Jean knows her stuff...this is sick sick sick behaviour.
As for you, my dear, we all make mistakes, sometimes big life-changing ones. I think you have learned your lesson - best of luck to you!
39I 100% agree with E.Jean. This is against the law and if you let it go on, it will only get worse. Tell the authorities and keep records of everything! It may be hard to talk about with your fiance but it needs to be done for several reasons. For one, you are being harassed and your fiance should be aware of that, God forbid something happened to you! Secondly, what kind of marriage are you going to have with this weighing on you. You will feel so much better once you get this off your chest. I think E.Jean is right on when she says make it brief and provide little detail. Men will try to pull the details out and it will only hurt them more. Keep it simple and to the point. This affair obviously had no real significance to you and by sparing the details you are letting your fiance know this. Good luck with everything!
40Turn him into the police!
Get honest with your fiance...it may be hard but you can't start a marriage with such a HUGE secret!
Look for a new job...before they fire you (if they even do if you both admit too it)
41How did this guy even find out about the affair?? Anyway, don't let this go any further. And he may out you at work when you stand up for yourself, but he'll be outed as well for being a sleazeball who will break the law and blackmail people.
This is not going to be an easy situation for you to handle, but you'll never be able to move forward with your new life if you don't. Just do it. You'll feel so much better once you have. And don't be ashamed of the affair you had. Hold your head up high and keep moving through life.
42Cheers to the truth!
43good advice from e. jean. but why will you and your boss be fired? why is your sex life the business of your employer?
44I got some cousins we can call to make sure he goes away...
Kidding.
A little.
45First rule of being blackmailed- never give into their demands!!!! It totally gives them the upper hand and will make people wonder why you would pay them if you are saying things are not true
Next step- Follow E. Jean's advice and go to the cops with all the evidence and get this loser behind bars
46Horrible situation.
47I agree 100% with E. Jean.
I love most of E Jean's advice here, but you need to be honest. If you lose your job, that's just the way the world works sometimes - you've done something wrong, you know that or you wouldn't be paying this sicko. Sometimes people lose their jobs due to downsizing, or any number of uncontrollable things. It sounds to me like you're mad that you might lose yours for a valid reason... and that just plain p!sses me off! I'm sorry you got caught, but you can't expect to go through life with no consequences for your actions,
48Mm, while I think the man is wrong for blackmailing you, I'm not entirely sympathetic to your situation. I don't normally associate "good, kind" with "a brief affair" behind the back of your "wonderful fiance". You should have stepped up and told the truth in the first place. The first blackmail demand should have forced you to really face the consequences of your actions, and I don't mean paying the blackmailer, but going to your fiance and admitting that you did something wrong. Instead, you chose the weak path of trying to hide your wrongdoing. Sad. Well it's not too late. As they say, "the truth shall set you free".
49Oh my lord...
Good luck, I hope things work out for you.
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