I'm 100% with Dear Sugar. I've had a friend in this situation and the main problem isn't really the porn it's that he doesn't respond to your needs (physical and emotional) and doesn't seem ready to deal with the issue. If he won't get help and make a genuine effort then porn is simply more important than you and you need to leave!

so what....

there was an episode of the tyra banks show that dealt with this very same issue. the men would watch porn all the time and had no interest in the women. they had a few experts on the show and they suggested going counseling. they had alot of other great info that i cant remember right now, this isnt the episode i was talking about but here is another one that talked about men who loved porn.

http://telepicturesblog.warnerbros.com/tyrashow/2008/01/so_your_mans_add...

act sexy for him

Well since he clearly doesn't understand how you feel and lashes out in anger in return, the both of you should get some counseling. Get down to the root of the problem. Then maybe a program to get over his addiction. How would he feel if it were his sister on the porn site. How would he feel if the situation were reversed.

Wow, Veronica, way to be incredibly insensitive and completely unhelpful.

Patty, it sounds like you've got a serious issue on your hands here. Be strong and don't let yourself settle because you're afraid to leave him. Don't let him make you feel bad either! Good luck!

Hmm, it's one thing for a man to look at porn every now and then which is perfectly fine. It's another thing when the porn the man watches replaces his sex life. Your boyfriend is truly in the wrong. I mean, what man wouldn't want the real thing more often than the eye candy? Are there any other issues besides the porn your boyfriend and you are going through that causes him to avoid sex with you? If it's just the porn, then, yeah, he unfortunately has an addiction and like any other addiction, it's hard to quit.

The problem here is first of all he doesnt seem very attracted to you and that he doesn't care about making you happy. I would see if there is another problem here with your relationship. On the other hand you could always try having sex in the morning before he watches porn and see if that has an effect.

Definitely try counseling, but keep in mind that he might have a serious compulsion that's beyond your help. If that's the case, you'll have to move on, for your own sanity's sake. I wish you the best, and hope everything works out well and quickly!

I agree couples therapy is the way to go... but perhaps he is a porn addict.. they have 12 steps for that...... Suggest that to him.... but he is sorta passive aggressive about it that he might find that as a personal attack

Go for some couples counseling, and see if that helps. If that doesn't change anything, you might have to give him an ultimatum that if he doesn't change, you're leaving.

Why not try to see if there is a reason for the porn...is it that he's just bored? Not interested in you personally or just sex in particular? Is there something you can do to make him more interested in you or is it just with him? Did your sex life always used to be this way? Does the kid have a job?? Now if the porn is overtaking his life to were he has no job and you are supporting him, then there is a big problem and that has nothing to do with you and couples counseling wont' work. But how do you know that's what he does all day long? He could just look at porn for a little bit, please himself, and then go about his daily activities...which would be perfectly normal. Being that it is taking away from your sex life, that is something that needs to be addressed and find out if there is something you can do to turn him on and bring him into your sex life. Instead of telling him you think it's like he's cheating on you or that you want him to stop, why not bring up that he's failing at being a lover to you. Let him know you want more and that he is the one not measuring up, and that may jumpstart him. It could be just underlying problems that he isn't happy with in the relationship and that's why he isn't interested in you. Or maybe he just is no longer wanting to be with you (sorry to sound harsh, but you know...) or interested in someone else, that also can lead to resentment and him not being interested in you.

Main thing is to find out what is the real reason behind his "addiction" and that will lead to your solution.

He doesn't sound like a real "people person."
ps - Are you nice to him?

so what ,act sexy for him..
that was kinda harsh..

Wow...I don't know what to tell ya. I mean, the only solution I can think of is to suggest counseling to him, but if he already gets defensive when you try to talk to him about the porn, then he probably won't be ready for counseling. Which means you shouldn't cause yourself any more grief about this.

I ultimately agree with Dearsugar: Tell him to stop and get some counseling, or you're gone. That's it. You deserve someone that only has eyes for you...not a computer screen.

Two things stand out about this relationship.

1) you feel a need to monitor him rather than go to work (and I am not even asking how you know what he does all day). 2)the two of you cannot have a rational discussion about your issues.

Couples counseling? Hmm, that will help build effective communication in the relationship, but I also suggest that individual counseling and some distance would be equally beneficial to whatever individual issues exist.

Counseling is easier said then done. He'd have to admit that he has an issue/you both have an issue. You can't make him go. I can totally see the porn being used as a way to avoid intimacy with you.

i cant stand guys that are dependable on porn to be sexually satisfied. but to be honest i think he probs does it because YOUR not sexually satisfying him...

x
x

x
xxx
x

x
x

eep, sorry i dunno what all the 'x's were about. :s

Wow, TFS, that's a really uninformed assumption. My best friend went through this exact same situation with her bf of four years. After years of fights, counseling, attempts at finding a solution, she finally had to leave. It had nothing to do with her "not satisfying him"-- they typically had sex at least once a day during the whole four-year relationship. He was addicted to sex and porn, and saw them as his only means to control anxiety. It's one thing for a guy in a healthy relationship to masturbate every few days; it's completely different when someone feels a compulsion to do it multiple times a day.

don't let some of these women try to tell you that you are doing something wrong. that's probably the same justification he would try to use. i too have a friend who went through this several years ago. he was defensive about it, wouldn't admit that it was a problem and tried to make her feel 'ugly' b/c of his 'impotence' (when he failed to be able to have sex with her, he would tell her that maybe he wouldn't have the problem if she was prettier). their relationship ultimately failed. not soley b/c of that, but it certainly exacerbated their other problems.

i say forego counseling and just cut your losses. i know it's an easy thing to say and not so easy to do, but i don't see this being something that will readily change, especially when he doesn't recognize that it's a problem. i think his 'selfishness' should give you insights into what your future with this man will hold. you deserve better...someone who can fulfill all of your needs. good luck!

Yeah if it isn't you not attracting him sexually then he has a problem and help is needed.

Some people here are missing the point...It's his problem, not hers. She's having to deal with it, of course, and is thereby affected. Since no one can control the actions of another, it must be his decision to stop. Nothing that she is doing or not doing sexually is going to make a difference. I agree with DearSugar. Give him an ultimatum. If he's sensitive to her needs, and really wants to make things better, he will stop. Otherwise--in all honesty--she's better off without him. She should find someone who will love her and fulfill her sexually and emotionally without resolving to drastic measures, or without making it necessary for her to change herself.

My niece was in the exact same position 2 years ago, but it was her husband, not her long-time boyfriend. A lot was at stake here. My niece was Miss Arkansas prior to her marriage to this man. She was beautiful (and still is), intelligent, sexy, successful, etc., etc. There was NOTHING wrong with her or the way she treated him sexually or otherwise. He had issues he refused to deal with. She hid it from her family for a long time because she was embarrassed to talk about it. Unfortunately, she gave him the same ultimatum, he said he would change, things improved for awhile, but in the end he resorted back to his old routines. She left him, as she said she would, and she is now in a healthy sexual relationship with a great guy.

In response to the thoughts about whether or not this is cheating: porn addiction/obsession IS cheating. Masturbation is a sexual act, and it is being done behind the other partner's back, while he (in this case) is looking at and desiring someone other than his "real" partner, and he is so satisfied with his action that he avoids sexual activity with this "real" partner. Mentally and emotionally, I don't see how this is any different than if he was having an actual affair.

Very good point music_jewel. I agree.

To the poster, feel free to PM me directly as someone very close to me is going through the same thing (I can share her story), and her therapist had some great advice.

i know a lot of guys who LOVE LOVE LOVE porn but on any given day, believe me, if they dont choose the real thing over porn, something is really wrong here. plus i think if a guy is watching porn all day, once he sees the real thing walking through the door, he should be MORE excited, not unexcited.

you should find a guy that thinks you're sexy and makes you feel lusted after and desired. whatever the reason is - whether its something with him only, or if theres something lacking in your chemistry as a couple - it doesn't matter. you don't seem happy and i suggest leaving.

btw - i really don't like the previous comments where they want YOU to be more sexy as if it's your fault or something. that's total bs.

Uhh....does he not have a job? Why are you out working while he is sitting at home cuffing the carrot all day??

this is sad.

i think counseling is the only way to fix things. maybe he is an addict. if he lashes out at you when you bring it up to me says he's probably embarrassed. tell him that it really hurts you and if it cannot be fixed you'll have to leave him. you need to put your happiness above everyone's (unless you have little ones)

Wow, there are a few you that are complete assholes. I think you need to date this poor girls boyfriend. That said...

I think it is time for you to tell him to get help or you will be leaving. He clearly has a problem and unless he is willing to get help unfortunately there is not a lot you can do. Just know it doesn't matter what you do he will not change he has to want to change. Just be strong.

Anytime a guy chooses porn over the real thing, theres a problem. I agree with music_jewel, this isnt much different than having an actual affair. His problems are too big for you to try to change, especially if he's in denial or defensive. Perhaps its time to move on to someone without so many issues! You deserve better!

I think he has a problem, but I don't think he's cheating on you, so I wouldn't accuse him of cheating. Counseling is the best way to go. If he's unwilling to make changes for you or at least make an effort, then you deserve someone better and he's not THE guy for you.

I had a friend who had this problem, she just drained his balls every morning before she left. Sex sometimes, blow jobs another, whatever it takes to leave them on empty in the morning. Then when she got home she would put on sexy undies or such and do it again. Pretty soon he stopped looking during the day because he was not horny all day and he could not do both. Basically, she took charge of his penis and when and where he ejaculated. They seem pretty happy now that she broke his ad"dic"tion, pun intended.