I'd just flat out tell her. I would've wanted to be told if I was expecting too much of my bridesmaids, both financially and emotionally. (Then again, I went out of my way to find a reasonably priced dress and asked for every bridesmaids' input on price before deciding on it.)

I'd simply say "I'm really sorry, but I can't afford this. I'll do anything I can to help, but I won't be able to be in the actual ceremony."

Even though you accepted you need to decline after the reality of the expenses is figured out unless you can figure out some creative financing or a second job. This is a sacrifice the bride should be anticipating by making the price tag for your involvement so high.

It happens and there is no shame in not being in a financial position to expend so much for a one-day party.

Tell her how you feel, and if she isn't willing to compromise on the more expensive requests- gracefully bow out. Opt for a less up-front role like reading or singing during the ceremony.

I've always wondered about brides who don't take their attendants' financial situations into account when planning a wedding. Not that I think they need to be expected to base everything on that, but a bride who gets upset when her $1,000 dress choice causes a bridesmaid to drop out is pretty tacky, in my opinion.

I didn't pay for hair, make-up, etc. But I also didn't ask that they do anything special, I didn't care how they wore their hair or if they even wore make-up. My only "requirement" was black shoes, both the style and height of their choice.

this is truly one of my pet-peeves. I think that the couple should pay for ALL of bridal expenses and accommodations.
I actually had to bow out of a good friends destination wedding b/c it was so over the top - plane tickets, $300 dress, $300 a night hotel room, etc. It was TOO MUCH $$$!
I am also struggling with this with my very own sister right now. I am so happy for her and that part will never change, but the price of the dress is incredible. ahhh!
I would simply never expect this of any of my friends or family. a gift and their presence should be enough! I plan to take care of the rest.

This happened to me when I was in my early 20's and going through some shaky financial times.

I was honest with my friend. I told her that I was honored that she'd asked me but I just couldn't afford the dress, shoes, hair, etc. while I was unemployed.

And she was super-nice about it. She fronted me the money for the dress and shoes (I paid her back in installments) and she told me that since my hair was so short at the time, I didn't have to go to the salon.

I expect to pay my part when I'm in a wedding, I wouldn't want the bride to pay it. I just think there has to be a "within reason" thought process.

For a destination wedding, though, I definitely think that if the bride and groom aren't paying the hotel bill and taking airfare into account, they need to expect a very large number of declines on RSVPs.

My best friend just got married 4 months ago. While her wedding was not extravagant, it was still a financial burden. All the gifts, parties, dinners, the dress, matching dyed shoes, hair, even nails...it set us all back a bit. We all finally worked out that some of the and dinners and showers were part of our wedding gift to her. The bride also made some concessions so that we could all be there. There is a fine line though between having a rational discussion and coming to an agreement, or demanding your way. One of the 'maids did make some demands of her dress. The bride conceded to her, only to have her change into her regular clothes right after we had been introduced into the reception. The bride won't admit to it now, but I think there's some resentment and disappointment. I'm just beginning to plan my wedding, and I've only chosen a matron of honor and one 'maid. My hope is that we can all go dress shopping together and find something that we all like, but in their price range.

be honest. and if she still wants you to be a part of her wedding, she'll have to live with the fact that you'll be wearing non-matching shoes.

I would get a new friend who is more considerate. I've been in several weddings and not one of my friends has been rude enough to not ask her attendants about what they can afford to spend. The ones who had me buy my own dress told me not to bother with presents even after they checked the price with me (of course I did presents anyway) and they all let me decide if I wanted to do our my hair or pay for a salon. Being in a wedding is always pricey but if you are close enough friends to be asked then you should definitely be close enough to discuss how much you can afford to spend.

I think that in an ideal situation the bride & groom should pay for all of the wedding expenses. However that is not always an option, as weddings can get to be super pricy. And not every girl is willing to make sacrifices when it comes to her big day.

In this situation you have to be honest with the bride, and the sooner the better. Simply let her know that while you love and support her, you can not afford to be a part of the wedding. The bride will either have to work something out for you, or find a new bridesmaid. Either way, honestly is the best policy.

I'm with SpiceG. I think it is incredibly tacky to expect someone that you asked to stand up at your wedding to pay for anything other than the gift. At this point all you can do is be honest and tell her that you cannot afford the added expense at this time in your life.

I agree with SpiceG JMeyer and CubaDog...

If brides want elaborate wedding attendants, then they should foot the bill.

I made for my bridesmaid's dress, shoes, the whoel she-bang. WHich is why I only had one bridesmaid (my sister.)

I think it is INCREDIBLY TACKY to expect bridesmaids to pay for anything other than the shower and bachelorette parties.

Bottom line: It's your wedding. Your vision. If you are a perfectionist (like I was at my wedding), you should foot the bill.

"Since you've already expected the role, there's no turning back now, but how are you supposed to afford all this?"

First, I think that's supposed to say "accepted" the role. But second, there's turning back. It's not rude to bow out later for various reasons.

Just be honest -- if she's a really good friend, she'll help you out. If she's more concerned with your appearance being perfect and demands that you shell out all the money... then maybe she really wasn't that good of a friend to begin with.
I'm getting married in May, and when I asked my friends to be in my bridal party, one even came out and said that she would be honored and would love to do it, but she's not very well off financially, and she would completely understand if I wanted to ask someone else instead (of course, I had no interest in doing such a thing). We've managed to keep costs fairly low -- I found beautiful bridesmaid dresses that everybody really and truly LOVES on sale from $208 to $88, I'm letting everyone wear any black dress shoes they want/already own, nobody has to get their hair/makeup done for the day though they do have the option (I think my friends are all beautiful on a daily basis, why should they be forced to have someone else do their makeup?), I've given everyone the option of staying with me in my hotel room the night before the wedding, and my parents are generously crediting $100 towards their rooms for the night of the wedding.
If any of them came to me and said it was still a problem, I would tell them in an instant that either I would pick up part of the tab, or just don't even bother getting us any gifts for the showers/parties/wedding and use that money towards other expenses -- them being next to me on my big day is more of a gift than I could ever want.

spiceG, unreasonable brides are a pet peeve of mine too.

I think people can plan nice weddings (according to whatever that standard is for them) but they need to be conscious and considerate of what they expect from others.

She's your best friend, my best bet was to be honest about it.
My best friend got married a few years back, and it'll cost thousands of dollars to attend the wedding, be part of it, etc.
I couldn't afford it so I told her about it and she's okay with it.

Considering that I'm prepping for my sixth stint as a bridesmaid, I know how this goes. The simple fact is, in any wedding situation where the bridesmaids are in school or within a few years of just starting out, they for the most part are ALWAYS going to be limited financially. If you care about the people important enough to be your bridesmaids you should already know this about them, and plan accordingly if having them there means so much to you.

All you can do is be honest with her. Ask if you can do your own hair and makeup, if she'd be ok with getting a pretty belated wedding gift when you can manage it, etc., and ask if she has any suggestions on how to make it work.

If I couldnt afford it, I would ask her for a little bit of help towards paying for it, and then if she said no, I'd tell her I couldnt do it.

I've never been in a wedding that I had to pay any part of! I just assumed it was always like this (I've been in four weddings). If I planned on having a traditional wedding, I most certainly would plan for it to be all-inclusive and for people to just show up. If you can't afford it, scale back your wedding, finance, or make a wedding fund for people to give to instead of a registry.

I'd find areas to cut back. The hair and makeup for example need not be done by a professional, regardless of what the bride says. A simple, "That would be wonderful, but with the cost of the dress - which I'd love to have and will find a way to afford - I have to cut back somewhere, and I'm great at doing my own hair and makeup." Honestly, I doubt the bride would argue with that. Even the shoes, for that matter, could be a way of cutting back - I'm sure she could find similar shoes for much cheaper. Or take the initiative to find the shoes yourself that match closely to what she wanted. As to the dress, I think you just have to suck it up. If it's my best friend, I'd find a way. We all have times where we spend money unnecessarily - eating out, getting coffee, getting junk food, buying clothes, etc. There's got to be a way to sacrifice for the bride's day. I don't think it would be bad to find a similar but much cheaper dress and say "what do you think of this one? it's much more affordable and very similar." If she's insistent on the other one, just suck it up.

As to gifts, find a way to give gifts that don't cost much. Is she going to have family over the night before the after rehearsal dinner? You can give the gift of being her housecleaner a few days before - totally scrubbing everything in the living room, kitchen, hall and bathroom. That would cost you not much more than time.

Be honest with her and tell her that you can't afford all the expenses she's giving you right now. Ask if you can cut back in a few areas, and if the bride refuses, you may have to step down and take a less financially demanding role in the wedding.

Remedios, what a brilliant idea offering to be a housekeeper! Seriously, the gifts that are "free" from the giver often mean the most. If someone volunteered to drive me and my future husband to/from the airport for our honeymoon, checked up on our mail, watered our plants, and fed the fish for the 2 weeks we are gone, and maybe did a little dusting and left some flowers on the table as a welcome back, it would be the best idea ever, and not cost the giver much at all. Come to think of it, a few weeks after my own wedding, I'm a bridesmaid for a friend -- maybe I'll offer that up to her as part of her gift, because I would appreciate it so much! I mean, an expensive set of china is great, but there's so much more thought in something that truly helps you than showing you can plunk down a chunk of change for something off the registry.

I would politely tell her to get over herself and maybe pull out. If she's my BEST FRIEND then she wouldn't have done that to me in the the first place.

I would let her know and bow out if she doesn't cut back. I was in about five weddings before I was married myself, and you just don't know what you're doing to your poor bridesmaids if you haven't been a bridesmaid.
Having a bridesmaid, someone who is willing to help you with your wedding, is a gift! Those parties they throw for you, all the time they spend helping you make those stupid favors... that's something only a true friend would do. So why expect a true friend to spend all this money, etc etc. on stupid things like a dress? Ugh. Pet peeve for me, can you tell??

julieulie...

the new american dream folks have worked out an alternative registry where you can register for things like friends driving you to and from the airport, etc. check out the alternativegiftregistry dot org. you are free to make all sorts of requests there.

Just tell her that you can't afford it. It's her big day, not your's. There's no reason to put yourself in a hole to comply with her demands.

Even if I could afford it, if my friend started going crazy with costs for the wedding, I still might drop out!

When I sign up to be in someone's wedding, I expect to pay a certain amount of money to be involved. I don't have a fixed idea of what is this, but I think we all know when someone has gone too far.

If this ever happens to me, which I hope it doesn't, I will just tell my friend straight up. If I didn't feel comfortable enough with my friend to say anything to her, I'd question why I was in the wedding in the first place.

if she is a best friend, then you talk to her about it..
if it was my BFF i would say, look i can't afford this, is there any way to cut corners? or what do YOU suggest i do?

let her give you the option of how to handle it, and if she's not a brat and really cares about you, she'll work towards figuring it out..

it's UNBELIEVABLE how much some people expect for things like this, it's also flat out tacky.. if you're asking someone to be in your wedding, while there are certain things they can pay for, if you're exceeding the norm, you better be able to help cover it..

why not treat them all to getting their hair and make up done? it may be pricey, but since you're the one requesting it, is it worth it?

also.. just an FYI and correct me if i am mistaken, but if you're in the wedding and bring a gift to the shower, you don't have to give another gift, or continue bringing gifts to showers, etc. your gift is spending $$ to be supportive and in the wedding..

i was my best friends maid of honor and gave her lingerie shower, i also got her a gift at another shower, and so between those things and being in her wedding, that was it. i felt like that may not be appropriate, but after checking with others, it's more than appropriate and IMO too much for someone to have to give a gift at 5 showers, plus lingerie, buy the dress/shoes/etc and whatever else may come with that role.

in my experience with brides ( i have been in TONS of weddings), if one of the girls can't really afford the whole affair, the bride usually helps out with her stuff.

i had a friend who went cheapy-cheap (her dress was $100!) and there were still some girls who couldn't aford to buy a $50 dress, and she end up helping them out.

i've never been in a situation where the bride didn't understand, and I have some really b*tchy-bridzilla friends.

with my BFF's wedding this past summer, 6 out of 7 of us already lived the lifestyle and had no problem financially paying for things, and the one gal (who just bought her condo) was tight on cash (she had her floors redone before she moved in, they look pretty good now . . .), so my BFF paid for her dress and the spa day we had. it was never na question about it.

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but i think it's funny how ppl think this is tacky when you know you'd be pissed if your friend didn't put you in the wedding because you're "broke". Let's be real about it.

and why doesn't everyone love weddings? I love them, ilove being in them, and i can't wait to have my own (well actually i CAN- not ready to share living space with someone).

You need to talk to the bride and be upfront about the financial situation. If you can't afford it, you can't afford it. And as much as you love your friends, I don't think it's worth going into minor debt for them. If the bride is so insistent on the expensive stuff, then she should be willing to cover some of the costs. If she can't afford to do that herself then she should rethink the pricey details.

HONESTY HONESTY HONESTY.

Haha, I have a funny story. My boyfriend's sister asked me to be one of her TEN bridesmaids, but since I'm not particularly close to her, I declined (I know, gasp, the taboo!). But, I sensed that she would have an expensive and super frilly wedding, so I'm glad I bowed out of it. My boyfriend was stuck though, and he had to pay $140 just to rent his tux (he bought a really nice suit, complete with dress shirt, tux, and custom fittings, a year ago for $140!). She had multiple bridal showers (which I was conveniently too busy to attend), but we still gave her a nice gift. Had I been in the bridal party, I really would have ended up resenting how much time and money was going into her wedding (instead of mine!!).

I think the ideal situation is to let bridesmaids pick out their own dresses, preferably ones they can wear again, and not really give a sh*t what they look like. I think the worst nightmare of my life would be four clones with dyed shoes and crappy crunchy curly hairstyles from a salon and ugly dresses they can't wear again that set them back a ton for a one-day party.

Tell the bride you can't afford it, and don't feel badly about it. I mean, be nice, whatever it's "HER DAY!!!" but seriously!

I'm not bitter, I just truly do not understand modern weddings. This is a world where matching shoes matter more than your friend's comfort, and the event is supposed to be a celebration with family and friends (or for the religious, a spiritual event) and it's supposed to celebrate a marriage, not the bride.

And come on, haven't we all watched enough Laguna Beach to know that the natural, pretty dress, non-prom/big hair/big makeup look is actually popular in some places. Low maintenance is not a bad thing.

10 bridesmaids!!!!! Holy crap!! Gah! My bf's sister asked me to be her in wedding, and I really really like her but we're not super close. I agreed because at the last minute one of her friends had bowed out, and she really wanted to keep the groomsmen/bridesmaids even. Her parents paid for my dress (how nice!!) because I was in my last year of high school and saving for college.

Aww...Julie I just read your posts and it makes me feel a little bad to go all wedding-rant crazy! Clearly there is a way to do it with class, and still have that super traditional wedding that I dread anyway. I am sure your wedding is going to be amazing!!

there is nothing wrong with having a traditional wedding with bridesmaids.. it may not be your thing, snowbunny, but quite honestly, having someone pick out their own dress regardless of whether or not it matches, etc sounds disastrous.. let brides have their one day. if they turn into "bridezillas" that's different, but it's their wedding, and if someone feels like you do, just don't be in one...

not all bridesmaids fit under the category you described.

I agree with everyone, just tell her you cant afford it and that you appreciate her asking but politely....No. I dont understand brides who dont take into account their bridesmaids financial situations, its presumptuous and rude.

I had a friend who called me, told me that she wanted me to be a bridesmaid and that the dress and accesories were going to cost X amount...when i told her it was too much, she understood and ended up changing the bridesmaids dresses because most of her choices were in my same boat.

Phat--er, I know, that is what I said in my last post!

Also, there is absolutely nothing wrong with me for disliking the "traditional" system...I mean, not all of us think weddings are about "my day," and sorry, I think having 10 bridesmaids is insane, and any wedding I've been in so far has involved the bride flipping out and crying because a small detail didn't work out well. What would be so disastrous about allowing people to dress themselves?

Personally, I think it's really rude that she expected you to pay- it's just not the 'done' thing where I live.

She asked you to be a bridesmaid, therefore she should be paying for it all, IMO. I'm iwth Vannuccia, it's rude. That's like asking people to pay for the meal.

She asked you to be a bridesmaid, therefore she should be paying for it all, IMO. I'm iwth Vannuccia, it's rude. That's like asking people to pay for the meal.

I have found myself in just that situation. Within two months I knew there was no way I could afford to be in the party, so I very respectfully but firmly explained my situation to her. What happens? She expected me to borrow money off of the other bridesmaids to make it work. When I refused, she took it personally and our relationship is all but over. Lesson learned: do not over estimate how petty and self centered brides can be. To them - money is no object. To you it may make the difference between eating and paying the rent.