Whew, this is a tough one.

I can completely understand why you have resentment towards him (he sounds like a complete ass, BTW), and I can also completely understand why you don't want him at your birthday party. But, I think that if you were to tell her how you feel, it would only hurt your relationship with her.

Look at it from her perspective - for whatever reason, she made the decision to take him back, and she is trying to work on her marriage and repair the damage that he caused when he left her. If you were to tell her that you didn't want him there, you are basically signaling to her that you don't support her decision and will not be there for her during this time (or perhaps the other difficult times that are sure to follow).

I get the sense that the issue is not so much that you don't want him at this one particular event, but that you disagree with her decision to take him back and don't want him in her life. As we all know, it is very hard to tell a friend that you don't like her husband/boyfriend, because you risk shutting her out completely.

What about a more subtle approach? Instead of telling her you don't want him there, perhaps call her and explain to her that you have a lot of apprehensions about seeing him socially because you still have anger towards him for the way her treated her. If you create an open-ended discussion, she may either 1) suggest on her own that maybe it is not a good idea for him to come out with the friend group just yet; or 2) at least hear your thoughts on how you still have resentment towards him. With the latter, she may well still end up bringing him, but you at least got the opportunity to voice your opinions in a non-threatening way.

If they're married, it can only be expected that he'd come. That being said, if you made plans when he was out of the picture, explain that to her. Say, "I only planned on 10 people, and your husband wasn't in the picture at the time, so he wasn't included in the guest list. I hope you understand." Then, she can tell her husband that because he was gone, he's not invited. It wouldn't hurt him to see that his leavning did affect other people's lives.

If your friend decides to stay home because her husband can't come, then she's not really a friend. You helped her through a hard time, and she should celebrate with you no matter what.

I have had friends with husbands i couldnt stand, they would treat them like Ca-Ca and of course my friends would cry on my shoulder and we would b*tch about them while eating fattening foods and vow to never ever forgive them! but than they would make up and while "she" would reassure me that "everything was fine" and they were doing peachy i would still have that Kernel of disdain in my noggin, until i realized that I could either alienate my friend or just accept her partner "as is" untill the next time they have a falling out, its what friends are for. I however didnt pretend to be all buddy buddy with him, just polite.

i think u should get over it, but since no one likes that answer. SOoO...I'ma say this: just tell her how u feel and how badly u wouldn't stand to see his face at ur special bday celebration. Make her chose, you or him.

after that, wish her a happy life.

This is the problem with women who tell their best friends everything that their man has done to them. She gets over it and moves on for whatever reason but then your best friend still remembers what an ass your man is and it's hard to move on. It's especially harder when you know your friend is just setting herself up to be hurt again! Anyways, if you want to remain friends with her your just gonna have to accept that they have made up and he is her husband and very much a part of her life. I personally can't take the drama of women who allow men to abuse them and still take them back time and time again so I have in the past had to let a good friend go because of it. So if she is someone you still want to be there for and still have her in your life you have to accept her decision to forgive her husband and bring him to your party.

Hotstuff is right on the money, NEVER GIVE ANYONE DETAILS ABOUT YOUR RELATIONSHIP BECAUSE IT WILL COME BACK TO BITE YOU IN THE ASS, LADIES. You need to accept the fact that she took him back and you didn't write "He isn't invited" on your invitation so It's only natural for her to assume he's allowed to go. Perhaps she doesn't trust being away from him for a few hours? some girls are like that. You need to just tell her why you don't want him there or be a big girl and suck it up.

who else is going to this party? is it going to be all couples and then just her or is it a lot of girl friends and a few close guys? if its a friends only event, where other significant others aren't invited, then it will be easier for you to explain that you only wanted close people there. and that you just aren't close to her husband. if its going to be mostly couples and you are telling her she can't bring her husband, well then that is a problem because she will feel uncomfortable too. i agree with dcroamer though in you should explain your apprehensions to her. tell her you are working on being ok with him but he upset her so much its hard for you as a friend. maybe ask if you can get together with them both another time other than your birthday but for your birthday does he mind sitting that one out.

Respect your friend's decision of taking him back, and accept him.

I completely agree with Hotstuff, too. This is why I never reveal details about my marriage to anybody. Besides, it's nobody's business anyways.

I think the picture with this story is hilarious.

you are obviously close so just tell her that you really wanted this to be an opportunity for her to get out without him. if she seems hurt or offended, you need to tell her exactly how you view the situation she is in while still being supportive.

It's simple etiquette standards -- is anyone else invited to your birthday dinner bringing a significant other? If everyone else is leaving their SO's at home, then by all means you can tell her you just wanted to do a girls' night out and the husband isn't invited. However, if you ask her not to bring her husband, and your other pals have shown up with their dates/spouses, it makes you look like a real ass. Regardless of your feelings for him, you can't allow person A to bring their date and person B to not bring their date. If you do, then you risk losing this friend. It's an unfortunate situation, but that's just how it is.

omg u took the words right out my mouth SilentVamp.

the girl in the pic looks like she's about to stomp on my ass...i dont like it! lol. anyone here look like her?

It's YOUR party. if you don't want him there, then tell her. Be honest with her.

You don't want any negative vibes, or potential drama at your party.

just because she's your friend does not mean you have to deal with HER drama at all times. You have to set limits. Yes, you will be there when she cries and to help her key his car(joke), but you have a right to feel the way you feel, just like she has a right to take hime back.

You don't want him there, then he don't need to be there, PERIOD.

I hate when friends go through hubby/boyfriend drama, because they get you all emotional and keyed up, having "hang the bastard" parties, and then they take them back, and you're suppose to change your feelings back??!! or they get mad when you tell them the truth. all BS.

the truth is you DON'T support her decision. and if she has any real sense (obviously not much if she took him back after coming home to an empty house), then she would understand where you are coming from.

this is a new year, stop BS people just to make them happy, especially when it will ruin your b-day.

Umm... Just tell her it's a "close friends" evening. So "Only Close Friends" are invited. If no one else is bringing a significant other (who's not already a close friend), just tell her it's just "close friends for more intimacy."

Bottom line, it's your birthday, and you should have people at it you want... If your friend doesn't have the backbone to do something solo for the night from her husband, then it's her loss. She'll be "missing a great time."

"I only planned on 10 people, and your husband wasn't in the picture at the time, so he wasn't included in the guest list. I hope you understand."

I agree with this one, don't give up your happiness so that someone else can feel better about themselves.

I agree with julieulie - she's right it is a question of etiquette. Although, luisamapacha, gives you a very good and diplomatic out (which is up to you) - it does seem a little juvenile to say I invited 10 people no more no less. The reality is some of the people you invite may be able to make it and some will not and choosing a hard and fast number like 10 seems a little unreasonable especially if other's are bring SOs -really what's the difference b/w 10 and 11 it's not like 10 to 20 or even 10 to 15. Unfortunately, accepting our girlfriends means accepting their SOs (I'm in a similar position - my BF has been in a relationship with someone most of her friends do not like but keep silent, (except for when she needs a shoulder) b/c she's a big girl and makes her own decisions - its her life.

LADIES - As for the "This is the problem with women who tell their best friends everything that their man has done to them" statements . . . I cannot disagree more!!!!! That is one of the most unhealthy, neurotic pieces of advice I've ever read!!!!

Please confide in your friends or sister or mother or someone!!! That's why we have friends!!!! That is part of what separates us from men - we can talk to each-other about our feelings and relationship instead of keeping it bottled up inside!!! I was able to leave a very toxic relationship through the support of my friends and even though it took me over a year to do it, and they lectured (we call it exfoliate) me at every opportunity - it was from a place of true concern and kindness and furthermore, it is what I wanted and needed - I would ask them for their advice and when I did not want to hear it I simply tell them I did not have the energy right then and just need I glass a wine instead of a lecture and they respected my wishes - filled my glass and dropped the topic!!!! AND if your friends are more judgmental then supportive, then explain to them where you are coming from and how you are there for them even though you do not always agree with their choices!!! This is what being a grown-up means to be: being open and honest with who and what you are!!! AND if you cannot be open and honest about your relationship with your friends, then you get rid of the SO or the friend or both!!!

(Sorry for the tangent and if I came across as too "Preachy", but I just really believe in having and being a strong support group for with friends- after all we cannot always choose our family, but we can choose our friends!!!!!!!!)

You have to respect her decision to take him back. IT IS NOT UP TO YOU. She is married to him, not you. And you can't disinclude your friend's husband from a dinner party if there are other couples invited. You just can't. They're a package deal now. Suck it up or don't be her friend. Don't get me wrong, I completely understand if you don't like the guy. You could hate the guy, and that's a horrible situation you're in. But that's her decision and you just have to suck it up. Be an adult. End of story.

RockAndRepublic--this is her HUSBAND! It's not her happiness OR her friend's happiness. It's not one or the other. They're married. This is what happens when people get married and become adults! Grow up!

And, I agree that not everyone needs to know all the details of your relationship. Sometimes only the two people in the relationship can understand certain situations. HOWEVER, for many girls, that's just an excuse to not have to hear the truth from their friends about how their boyfriend or husband treats them like sh*t! These are the girls who are treated like garbage, are sick of hearing their friends speak their mind, and decide that for their next relationship they're going to keep the details to themselves when the NEXT guy starts treating them like sh*t.

bastille75 says: "LADIES - As for the "This is the problem with women who tell their best friends everything that their man has done to them" statements . . . I cannot disagree more!!!!! That is one of the most unhealthy, neurotic pieces of advice I've ever read!!!!"

bastille75: If you could read you would understand that I didn't say there was anything wrong with telling your family and friends what your man has done to you but if your the type to constantly go back into an abusive relationship you have to realize that although you have forgiven him your friend or family hasn't and it's difficult for your friends and family to also move on knowing what they know! What I said was..."This is the problem with women who tell their best friends everything that their man has done to them. She gets over it and moves on for whatever reason but then your best friend still remembers what an ass your man is and it's hard to move on."

Hotstuff, I get what you are saying (and agree that, " if your the type to constantly go back into an abusive relationship you have to realize that although you have forgiven him your friend or family hasn't and it's difficult for your friends and family to also move on knowing what they know!"), and I think we are actually slightly agreeing in an odd way (of course i could be wrong, God, knows I have been before)- I just don't think that this is the problem w/ women who tell BFs everything - that maybe your BF should remember everything if you (the woman - not you-you) cannot. That's the point of confiding in a friends you want someone to know. Like I said, I've gone through it as the "woman' and I'm currently going through it as the BF.
As the BF I've learned not to mention anything unless she comes to me and when she does I just offer her support and let her know that she is not crazy for feeling that way in that moment (b/c I know she's going to be going back to him no matter what she says), but her friendship means too much too me to constantly keep reminding her of what an ass her boyfriend is like i'm preparing for his parole hearing or something. So, i'm just there for her when she needs a shoulder.

As the woman - I learned that when I did not tell my friends about what a jerk my boyfriend was, i stayed in the relationship way to long b/c I was trying to figure it out on my own w/o any help from friends or family b/c they felt that since I did not confide in them either everything was okay - or they did not feel comfortable approaching me. That is why now I always talk things over with my friends and do not care what judgments they are making b/c we are all human and have at one point or another all been there (luckily i've never been physically abused by my boyfriends, but i have been in some relationships w/ very controlling or manipulative or sociopath guys - when you're 32 and still single, trust me you've dated some pretty big jerks) and they're perceptive are invaluable to me - even if I do not always fallow their advice.

So, I'm sorry Hotstuff, for coming across as overly aggressive in my stance on your comment, but as I mentioned above - I just feel that as women we should always encourage and support each-other to talk about what's going on our relationship - the good, the bad, and the ugly. Also, I did not mean to offend you, I really like and enjoy discourse and being shown other views to things - BTW I really did enjoy your view on the Jean E. Post!!!!

bastille_75: I understand your views on this also. I think the bottom line is it's very difficult to be an "unconditional" friend but it is great to share and get advice and especially great to have a forum like this where not everyone knows every detail of your business and you can absorb a variety of differing viewpoints!

OH SNAP!

the truth is (we are ALL grown women, right??), your friend goes through drama.

the guy lies, cheats, deadbeat, blah blah blah. you are there for your friend. you cry with her, you help her get out of bed and move on, whatever.

then chingbastard gets to come back in, and all is forgiven. Your friend expects you, and whomever else she spread her drama to, to forgive him, and party it up.

GOD forbid you tell her the truth and say, "you know he's no good for you. why are you submitting yourself to this abuse, you deserve more". see, because then, she gets mad at you. and won't forgive you.

i thought friends were suppose to keep it real with one another. I WANT my friend to tell me the truth, and if she doesn't like my boyfriend, or hubby any more, I can't blame her.

she shouldn't have told me that he ran off with her co-worker (or whatever); all to hotstuff's point!

let's not sugar-coat this crap, ladies.

it seems to me this friendship thing is a bit one-sided. the writer was there for her friend during a time of need, when she was emotionally a wreck.
but now, the friend isn't being considerate of the writer's feelings. . .and the write has to sacrifice her b-day party to have someone there she otherwise wouldn't invite??!?!?

there is no way i would drag my friend in all my drama, and then take him back, and have the nerve to think SHE would want him at the party. I wouldn't have the gall to ask her if it was cool to bring him.

you really have to set your limits with friends like that. we all have one like that (who has ultra-drama). when she goes to talk about her boyfriend/hubby, you go "ohh. . . wow. . . that's bad girl. hmm. . .well, im sure you will get through it. well, i'll talk to you later, call me if you need anything."

it sounds f*cked up, but it's the only way you won't get emotionally wrapped in other ppl's mess.

btw, etiquette is not submitting yourself to abuse, or an uncomfortable situation. stop reading those silly books.

i had a friend like this (keyword: HAD), and she had me all screwed-up emotionally behind her fiance and his mother (who though she dressed skanky . . .which was kinda true).

anyways, he was emotionally and psychologically abusive. he was a jerk.

she really doesn't even want to get married-but he made her think she'll have a life of loneliness and no one would want her otherwise- she's 25 for Christ's sake!

anyways, i would be so upset, because i was her friend and i saw how he made her feel, and it wasn't right. i couldn;t even sleep behind her drama.

he lives in Chicago and we live in L.A., and something went down to when she went to visit him, she found a pair of dirty panties, excuse me, a thong in one of his cars, and a hair brush in his bathroom (he's bald and lives alone). she freaked out, and he turned everything around and played on her insecurities. i had to fly to chicago and bring her back, because she's dramatic like that, and i thought i was being a good friend. (did i mention that i missed a very hush hush sample sale 85% off!!!).

anyways, not even a week later, i was hosting an event (fashion stuff) and i had a get together at my house afterwards. apparently he came to L.A and told her some BS, and she was creaming over him again. but she brought him to my house!

and when i had went to get her from the airport in Chicago, i was cursing him and calling him everything but a child of God. well, she told him about what i said. and he called himself confronting me at MY house about it. Infront of MY guest, and drinking MY wine.

you know i ate him alive.

my point is ... you're friend can't expect you to forgive him just because she's gapping legs for him this week and probably will try to burn his clothes next week.

keep your distance. tell her you dont want him there, and if she's a baby about it, then i guess you can say you "HAD" a friend too.

Asia84 you are too funny - your post reminds me of the Chris Rock routine when he says talks about only have listening to his wife and thus will throw in a,"I told you that b*tch was crazy" to appease her and let her think he's paying attention.

As for the etiquette comment - your right it's not for submitting yourself to abuse (and in this situation I do not think the writer will be abused - figuratively or otherwise if her friends husband shows-up).

Etiquette according to wikipedia, is a code that governs the expectations of social behavior. Or as I was raised to believe it's in place so that your guest never feel uncomfortable or unwanted as they are your guest (fortunately or unfortunately I did not get that out of a book - I learned it from my parents) and you as a guest never do anything to offend your host. So, you are correct, here that the writer is in quite a conundrum as the host she should allow the guest to bring her husband and the friend as the guest should not upset the host by bringing her husband. So, I guess its just up to whoever will be the bigger person and hopefully not let this ruin anymore important events for both the writer and friend.

Sorry Asia84- I was referring to your post #21 I do not want - your post #22 is not funny its actually very sad! I'm sorry you HAD a friend. I too once HAD a friend and what is worse I still feel I was correct in reacting as I did and I ended up losing a few other friends b/c of the situation (but that's a different topic for a different time).

And I agree there is definitely a difference between being a good friend/social hostess and being taken advantage of by people. Your also right that if you people are going to disrespect you - you do not have to put up with it even for a second!!!!

Again, that is not about etiquette it's about asserting your own dignity as a person. But here, maybe I'm wrong or may I just have a different perspective then you, but I do not get the impression that inviting the friends husband (especially if other SOs are invited) will not be anything more then a minor inconvenience that in the long-run may be necessary to keep the friendship.

Now,I will say if this guys presence is disruptive then your are absolutely right and the writer should tell her friend good-bye, because a good friend would never allow their husband to mistreat her friend!!!

RockAndRepublic--this is her HUSBAND! It's not her happiness OR her friend's happiness. It's not one or the other. They're married. This is what happens when people get married and become adults! Grow up!

It's her party and she can invite who she wants to. Goodness forbid if everything can't be able our dumb friends and their equally dumb husbands. There.

I've had this happen to me. A guy moved out and didn't tell me while I was at work and I came home to a letter and an empty house. It was horrible, all of his family knew about it and nobody told me.

Since then I have been completely paranoid about going out (I've been with somebody new for a long time now) and coming home to all of his things gone. Or all of my things piled up outside. I was completely unaware when it happened, nothing was obvious and then BOOM... my life turned upside down.

I can understand why she would bring him along - she's terrified he's going to do it again while she's out! Or what he would get up to when she is away having fun with her friends. It's the most horrific thing you can ever do to somebody - turning their world upside down like that.

You need to speak to her about getting into therapy, maybe couples counselling. It is quite clear she doesn't trust him and you are going to have to suffer him at your birthday until she gets her issues sorted out.

If you are really that good of a friend to her, you will respect her decison of being with him no matter how much you can't stand him. I'm sure she didn't realize that you did not want him at your party. I personally would just suck it up and not say anything. I'm sure it is hard enough for her to deal with what he put her through and there is no reason for you to keep her suffering from it by keeping it an issue.

You could come out and tell her that you would rather him not come, but it would probably create more unnecessary problems.

Here's the deal--married people come with their spouses. If you accept your friend, you accept her husband, NO MATTER WHAT.
Yes, you're beyond angry with him. Yes, it's your birthday. However, if it's not a "girls only" thing, then you were actually rude for not inviting him in the first place. It stinks, I know (one of my best friends is married to a total ass who cheats on her), but believe me--you will lose the friendship darn quick if you stand against her husband.

Also, hear hear to bastille_25, i could not agree more! listen ladies, being friends is NOT about being judgemental. you can be there and support your friend through decisions that you like and dislike, no matter what, you just have to remember that it is not about you. don't get emotionally involved with it, just be a friend and listen! it's hard enough to confide in friends about serious issues you're having in a relationship to have to worry about being judged for your eventual decision.
we could also all remember that most of the time we only hear the bad stuff about people's significant others, because--duh!--the good stuff don't need advice! so you HAVE to remember to take everything that they say with the knowledge that the act isn't a stand-alone act (no matter how sh*tty it might be)--it's part of a larger pattern of behavior. i'm not saying that you can't point out (gently) to your friends when they are dating big huge jerks, but you can do it in the way of "i love you, and i hate that this pattern of behavior seems to be continuing, but i support you in whatever you do." AND DO IT. support and love and cherish your friends, and remember, their problems are not YOUR life, and someday you might have a person you really love do something really awful to you (it happens, even with the best people, becuase we're all people, not angels) and then you might need advice without judgement.
phew. okay. i'm sorry. i feel very strongly about this! much love to you all.

Wow I know why you don't want him there! I have had friends who have really horrible guys in thier lives and I know how frustrating it can be wehn they get back together. That said I don't think I would continue a friendship with someone who wouldn't accept my husband no matter what we'd been through. If it truly is close firends only, can you make it a girl's only night? That would be one way to get around having him there without really offending her. Remember their issues are theirs and while you can feel for a friend in trouble in the end they have to make their own decisions and we have to live with (or party with ) them

I have to say that while I understand everyone's opinion that it's your party and you can invite who you want to, I think they are also missing another point. Relationships are betweeen two people. When somethnig happens to someone else no matter how close they are to you it didn't happen to you. The other person has to make it up to them not you. I would question who really has the problem with too much drama.

I'm sorry, i'm sticking to the not inviting anyone who you don't want there. PERIOD!

sure, if i were the writer, i would accept my friend's choice, but if i don't want him there at MY house, then i have a right to say that. and if she gets mad, then tough sh*t for her.

i guess i'm not one of those friends who fade the funk with people just because they are currently screwing my friend.

i have friends now (who don't have relationship drama) and i may not really do the things that they do;

for instance, last spring, we took rented this boat and had a party. i can say that about 3 of my of my friend's boyfriend/hubby did come, because they weren't invited. they smoke, they hate fashion talk, taling period . . .all in all i would have nothing to say to them if they weren't screwing my friend.

everyone who is my friend knows, i don't hang around people i Don't dig. and it never caused a problem with my real friends.

you know what, invite the hubby anyways.

and make sure to be a gracious hostess . . .

there! LMAO.

see, it's easy to be a tool.

and to bastile_75: I'm not really into cris rock, so i don't know what you are referring to, but i suppose i should say "thanks" . . .you know to keep good etiquette . . .

and as far as etiquette goes, yes sweatie I learned proper etiquette from my mother. She also taught me how to douche . . .(don't mean to offend anyone with that one).

i'm sorry, I live in southern california, and everyone here is on that Ultra-PC crap, and they turn around and contradict themselves.

also, i work in fashion. being nicie-nice all the time gets you ran over.

and when i was talking about abuse, i wasn't referring to it in the extreme that you may have took it.

i meant that when you have a friend who sucks the life out of you with their drama, but fail to be considerate on your end, then that is abuse of the friendship . . .you know, like when i was a teen and my dad gave me a gas card so i would always have gas in my car, and i ran the bill up to $400 one month . . yeah, that kind of abuse.

aparently this issue bothered the writer enough to submit her problem. if she's that distraught over it, then that means the guy makes her uncomfortable to the point where she feels her birthday will be rained on. so in my opinion, she should let her friend know how she feels.

Emily Post would say that if you invite other people's SOs to the party then you are stuck with the guy you dont like being there too. If its a supposed to be a girls night, then by all means speak up. My advice?? Assigned seating! put your friend and her husband at the other end of the table or put all the girls on one side and all the boys on the other- just ignore him and dont let him ruin your party.

ooohh. that's a good one sass317 . . .ignore them. i actually like that idea.

i asked another friend about this particular blog, and she thinks that she (the writer) shouldn't have to invite the hubby. she thinks the writer shouldn't say anything, because the hubby sounds like a major flake and probably won't come anyways . . .

I can understand why it'll be uncomfortable, but when you invite someone, unless its a girl's only night or something, the invitation is pretty much automatically extended to the spouse too. i mean, obviously she loves him still so you will just have to suck it up!

I can understand why it'll be uncomfortable, but when you invite someone, unless its a girl's only night or something, the invitation is pretty much automatically extended to the spouse too. i mean, obviously she loves him still so you will just have to suck it up!

Umm NO NO NO. You cant tell her not to bring him!!!! The sad thing about friends is that no matter what stupid things they are doing with their life you are expected to support them. Telling her he is not welcome is not only a slight to him but to her decisions as well. Its a sure fire way to put strain on your relationship, especially if she is serioulsy in love with this man. Just bite your lip, grin and bear it. Watch season 2 of "The Hills" if u want visual proof of what im saying.... C'MON people really good frienships always involve a little sacrifice!!!!!!!

Generally, if I want someone at my party, I write their name on the invite.

I simply cannot stand it when, married or not, I invite a girlfriend out to dinner or drinks or whatveer and they bring their boyfriend/husband. Me invitin gyou does not mean me invitn gyou and your husband. Me inviting you and your husband is me inviting you and your husband. It's very simple.