Personally, I say stay away. You're probably going to have these insecurities about his past throughout the relationship, and you need to evaluate whether or not that's something you want in a relationship. Do you want a stable man with the same ambitions as you, or someone that is dealing with two serious diseases?

And I'm of the school of thought that he IS an addict, not that he WAS one. Honestly, I'm sure some people can make it work, and that optimistic side of me is telling you to give the guy a chance, take it really slow, etc., but the part of me that's had a history with this specific brand of addiction in a partner tells you to seriously reconsider starting anything with this guy.

Personally, I'd say that you need to wait dating him until at least he's clean for a year or two or more.

A relative by marriage of mine (whom I actually like) was a drug addict (heroin, cocaine, etc etc), and he's right now clean for 5 years and finally getting his life in order (stable job, bettering his credit, etc). BUT, he's in his mid 40s now. He said that he fell off the wagon so many times, which is pretty usual (according to him), and it made his past relationships suffer. He admitted how horrible he was to his exes because of his addiction (he put drugs above all other), including to his daughter (b/c he was an absent father the first 10 years of her life). He met his exes during the time he's not using, then he fell off the wagon basically ruining the relationship...

If you're really interested in him, you'll have to take it really slow, and don't put your heart out for him so quickly in the relationship and always remember the possibility of him falling off the wagon is huge, and he'll be dealing with both personality disorder and temptation. You need to be really prepared to cut off ties or go w/ intervention when something bad happens.

Since you're young and inexperienced with people who's gone through addiction, there's a big possibility that you won't have such a healthy relationship especially if he's still in the 'red zone' right now. Just be careful, don't take it quickly, be his friend first, date other guys too. Keep your option open. 8 months is still too early to see if he's going to not fall off the wagon.

Good luck.

Ok..I've had experience with both sides of this situation. The person I was dating didn't tell me about his addiction until after 6 months, but he was making no effort to clean up. I got into it, and luckily after 2 years I got out. It's been almost a year for me, but I have other, better things to worry about. I feel like I have to tell potential partners about my past, because it really takes patience and understanding to form a close bond with a recovering addict. I wouldn't be offended if someone turned me down once they found out about my past. Some people stay clean for weeks, months, or even years before they relapse, so you need to really consider whether you want to take this chance. One thing is for sure...if you do pursue this relationship and find out that he is still doing drugs, you need to immediately cut all ties with him.
Good luck!

I wouldn't even worry so much about the drugs as I would the Bipolar Disorder...it's hard, and you have to put in a lot of extra effort, understanding and total commitment to be in a relationship with someone suffering from this, and also have to put complete trust in them that they stay on their meds. Point is that it seems that you two are just on different paths and don't want the same things out of life.

My advice? Stay away while you are just in "like" mode and it will be easier to let it all go then trying to build something that isn't good for you in the end and then having to remove yourself from the relationship. Think about all the things you want in your life, where you are now, and where you want to be in 5 years, 10 years, and then look for someone who wants those things as well (but not just because you tell them you want it:)

There are so many wonderful men, and I'm sure you'll find someone great with flaws that fit with your own, not that you have to debate on before you even meet him. Trust will always be an issue with an ex-user and other problems with someone with a psychological disorder.

Anyone in AA or NA will tell you there's no such thing as "WAS an addict". Even on the road to recovery, addicts have to always know that they ARE an addict - it's a constant fight to stay away from it.

Many of my friends were heroin addicts when I was in school.. I lived in the heroin capital of New York! Some of them have been clean for years, while others are still hopping around drugs and alcohol to fill that void that have.

It's a decision you have to make, but you need to be aware this will always be a part of his life, and it takes a strong strong person to be in a relationship with an addict - recovered or not.

Put all personal judgments aside because they aren't relevant. What is important to know is that when you say addiction is his past, you need to know that addiction is an ever-present disease that a person will battle for the rest of their life. Relapse and slips are common, even for those who are able to commit themselves to long term recovery and lead a manageable life. It is just the nature of the beast. I might question his commitment to recovery if he is already looking to date so soon into sobriety. Most 12 step and treatment programs recommend a year or so of sobriety before starting any new relationships. However, I don't know what kind of program he is working so it isn't for me to say, but I thought I'd at least put it out there.
I too am the ambitious college girl, with 2 jobs, I go to school full time, and I do it all without the depending on anyone but myself and student loans. Your question really hits home with me, because I MET my current fiance over the Internet over 3 years ago...and in our first conversation he was upfront about his "history". I saw him as a human being, and that is who I fell in love with, but looking back on on his struggles to STAY sober over the course of our relationship, well, I've wondered what I would do had I known just how serious his addiction troubles and bipolar disorder were. At the end of the day I am incredibly grateful to have known him. I am certain I've met the most special man with an undeniably beautiful soul....and if anything, this whole thing saddens me because I've watched that person get farther and farther away, and he may eventually be lost forever.
It's serious stuff, and so you shouldn't underestimate what you could be getting into.

Don't get any further involved. You're very young and you don't need that to also become your issue. There is nothing that says that you yourself couldn't become an addict. Want to risk it? You have a potentially good life ahead of you, leave well enough alone.

I really believe people can change and deserve at least one chance. I will also say immediately that I know nothing about drug addictions.

But as people say, I think that kind of things takes time. While it doesn't mean he'll go back to drugs, it probably takes more than 8 months to completely recover from an addiction and personally know where you are in life and how you feel about yourself - so having a relationship with him right now is probably not the best idea.
Also, you shouldn't take the decision of dating him before you /really/ know him, since everything's been done online until now.

Wait until he's been sober for more than 2+ yrs. 8 months is not enough to consider him clean for good.

I agree with RockandRepublic.

Don't get involved romantically. You can be a friend, but as mentioned above, if he starts using again you should cut all ties.

I also feel that 8 months is not long enough for being sober to be able to start dating someone.

Good luck and look after yourself.

you should probably wait until you get romatically involved. spend some time just getting to know him and being his friend. i think that he needs some time to just get used to being clean.

Wow, reading this was like reading a page out of my own life.

I was an overachiever perfect-in-every-way college-student when I met this guy, that happened to be an ex-heroin addict and also has bipolar. No lie.

The good news? We're engaged and have been together for 6 years. The bad news? It wasn't always easy. When we first started dating, he had been clean for a few months. When I was back home for a short while over the summer, he relapsed with the drugs. I should have moved on at that point, but for some reason, I didn't. Luckily, he hasn't the touched the stuff ever since. I don't ever have to worry about it or keep an eye on him. That's it. He's done. And thank God.

It all depends on the guy. He has to genuinely want to leave that all behind and take steps to improve his life. It helps if he's not in the same environment that he used to be in - meaning, hanging out with friends that still do it and whatnot. It sounds like your guy is trying to move on.

What Berlin said is true... the bipolar part is more difficult to deal with than anything else. That's the one thing that is really trying and hard on our relationship. It takes an especially strong man/woman to be able to make it work.

People deserve a second chance. I don't believe anyone deserves to be judged for their past. My guy did a complete 180 in his life and he's a stronger, wiser person because of his experiences. I'm so proud of him. But should you decide to date this guy and things are working out great, do consider how difficult life can be with a person with bipolar, particularly if he isn't treated for it.... and prepare yourself.

Oh and for the record? I'm not an addict. I've never been an addict and I will never be an addict.

I'm a college student myself and I have to say don't do it! We are young. There is no need to get involved in overly complicated relationships. It would be different if he was your friend and you happened to fall in love with him, but at this point you only like him. Why pursue something with so many complications when you only like (not love) him? Its so much better to opt out now then realize you need to do that after you're deep into the relationship. I'm of the mindset that I'm young, not even thinking about marriage yet, so I should date and have fun, only committing myself to relationships with minimal initial problems. If there are already two big issues before you even start dating, imagine what you could be dealing with in six months.

I think it might become more trouble than it's worth... especially since he hasn't been sober for a long enough time to really tell. If you can encourage him and everything as a friend and certain you won't become involved with him, I think that might work.. Please be careful. Wishing you the best~

Everyone deserves a chance. He's proven himself for 8 months and is doing what he has to do to make his life better. I think you should make it clear to him that you are indeed giving him a chance based off him being clean and if he relapses that you'll be gone.

On his one year anniversary you should do something nice for him.

I wouldn't date him. At least not yet. If you really like this guy, keep talking to him and wait a few years to see if he's still on the right tracks.
And I don't want to speak for him, but it sounds like he's in a tough transition. He's working a minimum wage job and going to school, and chances are, life isn't very easy for him at the moment. The best you can do for now is to be a friend and not rush into anything that neither of you are ready for.

Not to be offencive...but... you really need some advice on whether to date a guy who not only is a recovering addict (or a secret addict?) and also has a very serious mental disorder?
I hope he can get over his problems and have a great life etc...etc...
Ask yourself this question- do you like walking in a mine field?
Because that is what you are doing here.
Relationships are difficult enough, this is way too much...

I'd stay away...at least romantically. Be his friend, but I'd be very hesitant to get involved any further than that.

Sure he's recovering now. Kudos! But sooner or later he'll be back at it and not have noticed. Its hard to break a bad habit for life. Be worry free and stay away.

"he was diagnosed with bipolar type II disorder and is a recovering drug addict. He's used heroin"

RUN for the hills!

with all the men in the world WHY would you start out with a man with so many strikes against him? and think about this, with each subsequent relationship you tell the story of previous relationships and why they failed so here you go: "well we met online and he was a recovering herion addict living with his mom and working as a bus boy. but it went down hill for some reason..." :durr:

Wow, this is so amazing to me to read because it describes my sister perfectly. She was literally in the exact same situation as this guy at that age. Now she's 31, off drugs for years, married with a beautiful baby!

I tend to agree with the folks that suggest not getting in a relationship with a recovering addict for at least a couple years. But the people that are really degrading him and making him sound like the biggest loser ever... well, I guess it just made me sad!

My sister is an amazing person who happens to have bipolar. Often people who have this end up "self-medicating" by taking drugs. Once someone realized what was going on, she got treatment for the addiction, and she also got on really great meds that totally changed her life.

Honestly, I don't know if you should date this guy or not, but he sounds like a kid who messed up and is trying to get his life back in order. So what if he's a bus boy and going to a community college. Sometimes that's what you need to do to get on your feet!

Plus, this kid is young. He probably didn't even realize he had bi-polar before all of this and is just starting to understand how to deal with it. If someone was a drug addict at 41 that seems different to me for some reason.

Anyway, sorry for the long post - I guess this one just really hit home. No matter what, I'm sure this guy could use a clean friend and a good influence so hopefully you can meet up with him and just see what happens.

Be nice, but cut the tie. This has disaster written all over it. You've never even met this guy; you owe him nothing, so you shouldn't feel guilty for distancing yourself. Why, at the height of your potential, would you get involved with someone with two major strikes against him?

He will always be an addict (whether or not he's using), and he will always be bipolar. Both of these issues could seriously complicate your life. And this is a time when you should be completely focused on your career and your own growth as a person, not on dealing with someone else's problems. Especially someone you don't even know.

There are so many great guys out there who are clean, mentally stable, and achievers like yourself. So don't sell yourself short; it's better to date no one than to date someone with major issues. And if this guy is really a wonderful person and the one for you, you'll find him again when he's in a more stable place.

popgoestheworld, i'm happy for your sister and your family. these stories are always so full of heartache. one of our family friends (goes back 3 generations) is about your sister's age and it hasn't worked out for her. she's had 2 children, both of which were taken from her by the courts (10 years apart) and one abortion. they have never given up on her though and still hope she will turn her life around.

My mom has bipolar. Trust me when I say that you DO NOT want to be with a person like this. Maybe he'll be good and take his meds like he's supposed to, but maybe he won't. This will always be a struggle for him, and it will be a struggle for his future wife and children (especially the children). If I were you, I'd run for the hills!

Run don't walk
Run I say this from experience
we ladies will take any guy to "not be alone" and find one redeeming quality
however there was a popular study that a large number of men would rather date a current drug abuser than an overweight woman

AGAIN RUN DON'T WALK FROM THIS GUY
you don't need this

You should get to know the guy really well as a friend and definitely see how things are. It would be so hard for you if he has a relapse and you have to live through it. If he's young it easily could have been a mistake and he may have grown up and realized what a mistake it was. If this guy ends up being someone you would like to spend time with romantically then I say go for it as long as you keep your eyes open for problems. Just give it time as friends to see if he's even worth contemplating.

The man is an addict. Even if he has dropped the heroin, he has an addictive personality, which means he'll find another addiction whether it be with drugs or not. That's just the way it is. It's a lifelong struggle. So you have to ask yourself...will you be comfortable in a relationship when you're always wondering if he's using or not? You'll start stressing yourself out looking for clues and signs that might or might not be there.

There are so many solid, well thought out comments here. I'd suggest reading them over several times and weighing them out. I do want to specifically mention popgoestheworld's and leeluvfashion's. Good food for thought in those two.

But I will add my own thought here: My fiance is a recovering alcoholic; hasn't had a drink in 10 years. He considers himself an alcoholic, lives by the AA 'one day at a time' credo, and attends meetings regularly. There are many people who, when they hear about his drinking days, think I'm crazy to be with him. I'm aware that the possibility always exists that he might one day fall off the wagon. I don't know what I'll do if that happens. But I do know that the man I met and fell in love with is absolutely amazing, despite his dark past, and it was dark. I wouldn't trade my life with him for anything.

druggie AND Bi-polar. better grab your sh*t and run for the hills, girl.

everyone deserves a second chance. sure, eight months is a short time span. if i were you, i would keep it very casual for now and just enjoy his company but nothing real serious and let it be known that you are only giving him a chance because of his current clean and sober act. good luck in your decision.

I used to date a guy who was a drug addict. I thought it was just cocaine and speed but it turned out that he also tried heroine. I couldn't handle it and we broke up. Back then he only cared abut parting and he refused to take the AIDS test. Now he's with another girl and he's not an addict anymore, he's studying and he's clean. People can change, I believe everyone deserves a second chance. I would say you give him a chance, just be careful and don't go too fast. Try to find out if he's really clean or not, because many addicts say they're clean but take drugs every now and then. If you really like him, give him a try.

eight months is not long enough for a person to say "Im clean and sober" especially if they were using herion. I dont think dating someone who has a past with drugs is a bad idea. People can change and break the habit and come out on the other side. (Im one of those people) But it takes much longer than eight months. You dont want to end up being this persons crutch. Not only that, but you are only 21 years old. I dont mean this to be offensive, but I dont think at 21 you have the wisdom, or self control to deal with dating an ex junkie. It can be done, but YOU have to know who YOU are, and know what you want out of life, and be able to stand up for yourself and your believes. If not, it would be far too easy for you to get sucked into that life. Because if you arent strong enough, if he goes down, he WILL take you with him.

I know people can change, I have a very dear friend who managed to turn her life around, I also have an ex who I thought at the time WAS turning his life around. I was wrong, and it didnt take very long before he stopped coming home at night, was drunk and/or high all the time, lying to me, cheating on me (thank god I tested negative for everything) etc. I was a mess- I couldnt sleep, couldnt function bc I was so stressed out- more often than not I was up all night wondering if this was going to be the night that I would get the call to bail him out of jail, or that he had been in an accident and was hurt or dead or had injured or killed someone else.

The thing was when I met him he seemed he was totally getting his life together, going to therapy, taking his medication, working hard at his job- but it didnt last, and it took a lot out of me, I left that relationship very very damaged. I should have run, not walked, away from him from the very beginning, but I gave him a chance and it very nearly destroyed me. Do yourself a favor- dont go there, its SO not worth it.

Hmmmm.... well, I think you are jumping the gun as you have yet to meet him. Why not try to meet him and see if things click as friends first. With that said, he lives at home with his mom is not going to college and is bipolar and an ex-druggie...it won't be easy but you are running before you learn to walk -- see what happens first when you meet him and see if you can even be friends.

He hasnt even been in recovery for a full year. AA and NA programs recommend at least a year of sobriety. Its too soon to tell. Spare yourself and high tail it out of there! Its nice that you want to be trusting, but yes, you are being naive, and drugs hold a particular powre over their victims, something that no amount of love and trust can budge, sometimes. Move on, you deserve someone without any baggage. P.S. No matter how charitable you might be, having a mate with bipolar disorder, even treated under medication, can be incredibly trying to one's patience. Its a distraction, when your focus should be on school.

i know quite a bit about being in a relationship with a bipolar person. people with bipolar are prone to drug use and really struggle with it. also, they seem to constantly switch on and off of their meds, which causes really awful mood swings and irratic behaivor. be warned, it's extremely drama-filled.

Whoa, I've been in a similar situation about a year ago. In it I was feeling the whole "oh he can change, he IS changing" --but less than a year later it struck me that he was just putting on a front. He was back to his old self in no time. and like you two... we met off the internet, and I wasn't there to witness his "bad past." And double-whammy; the guy I dated was also bipolar.

Like someone mentioned above, it's not so much the drugs, but the bi-polar state which you should be worried about. Is he TOTALLY willing to get help for it? Does he recognize it and realize that he has to do something about it? If not-- I don't recommend getting any closer with this guy.

Yeah, I agree completely with the people who are saying to be more concerned about the Bipolar disorder than the drug addiction.

The drug addiction isn't a GOOD thing, but people do recover.

Bipolar disorder is something he is going to have forever.

One of my closest friends has bipolar disorder, and I love him, but I don't know how his wife handles it - she is a saint, and much stronger than I am - I don't think I could do it. But she loves him, and has obviously found someone who she wanted to be married to.

But you have to take it REALLY slow and easy and make sure make sure make SURE it's something you could handle before you got really serious about him.

I would watch out for him having an addictive personality. His bipolar disorder is going to add A LOT of stress to your relationship. You need to decide if you have the energy for that.

Also, if you're in college there are tons of ways to meet people without having to use the internet. Get more involved with campus activities!

Be very careful on your decision. Calling himself clean doesn't mean he's clean for good. He's young and to have gotten caught up in all that mess means he wasn't making any right decisions. Now he may have gotten his head together somewhat... but no one can guarantee that he will not relapse. Your young and your doing things with your life. Have fun, enjoy college, and just be a good friend to him. Sit back and check him out. See how long he really is willing to stay clean. Talk to him on that "friend" level a little longer and figure out what he's really about....

As someone who has dated a bipolar II man, I say do NOT get any more involved! He will be the most charming, sweetest man to you in the beginning, and you will get roped in. After he gets comfortable with you (or has a manic/depressive episode), you will see the real him. He will be controlling, manipulative, and he will still love you when he does all of this. It is the most difficult situation in the world to leave, but you have to realize that this illness does not EVER go away. I can guarantee that the drug use was his way of self medicating. It's hard enough to deal with a family member or someone you love that's dealing with this illness. Get out before you get any more attached!!!

First, a heroin addict will ALWAYS be an addict, it is something they must live with for the rest of their life, and trust me, relapses happen. Almost everyone I went to high school with was an addict and it is very sad to watch people throw their life away to get high, and they lie all the time. Just be careful if you really want to get involved with this person, and be ready to deal with a relapse if it happens, which I'm sure it will. I had a friend who was clean for 3 years and then relapsed. Heroin addicts love their high and drugs more than anything

Mental health is nothing to take lightly, especially something as potentially serious as Bipolar Disorder. That said, it's good that you give him a chance, but don't kid yourself that his being clean for such a short time is a definite thing. I won't say you should walk away, but you should tread lightly.

His drug use is a symptom of his illness, most likely, and BPII is an illness that doesn't go away. He will be living with it for as long as you know him (longer, actually). He's probably just learning how to live with it himself. In his manic state, he likely did it for the emotional rush, and in his depressive state, he probably did it as an escape.

I've been told I may be bipolar as well, and it's hard, especially bipolar II, where you're more depressed than manic (and hardly manic at all), because even some doctors don't know how to properly diagnose that, and a lot of people don't even know the difference.

The best advice I can give is to take it slowly. Have fun, but don't take yourselves so seriously just now - you'll need to build trust together, since he's probably used to people bailing out on him. Be there for him, even if you eventually feel that you can't be there *with* him.

Let me give you a piece of advice-My ex who i've named 'Bob' in my latest blog used cocaine recreationally. One night, we went back to my apartment after a night out and I went straight to the restroom to potty as he took the pup out for a walk. Well, 10 minutes later I hear the puppy at the door and wondered to myself why 'Bob' wasn't letting her in. I open the door and BAM!! There's my ex shooting up RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY FACE. So if you don't want to experience anything like that, because Heroin is in fact one of the most addicting drugs there is, steer clear of this guy! Because history shows most people relapse on something so addicting. Find someone on your level and leave this guy because it sounds like your in a world of drama especially if he is bi-polar.. you can NEVER know what his mood will be like from minute to minute.

I would say definitely stay away, at least for now. He needs to be clean and sober for AT LEAST a year before even considering dating anyone. It is understandable that you don't want to be judgmental, but he had (and still has; he will always have to work to stay clean) a very serious problem. I would say stay in touch with him, be as supportive as you can, but leave romance out of the picture for now.