Dear Sugar,
My boyfriend and I have been together for two years. We've discussed having sex but we agreed that we would wait until we were married. I feel strongly about waiting, not for religious reasons, but because I just have a gut feeling about it. Out of the blue one day, he said that he's ready and wants us to have sex while we are young and still having fun. He also said that he thought that as a guy, he doesn't feel he can wait until we're married. I am torn between what I feel is right and making him happy. What should I do?
—Wanting to Wait Wendy
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Dear Wanting to Wait Wendy,
Sex is the most intimate thing two people can share, and not rushing into it is one way to make sure it will be special. You've waited two years already, and if you truly feel in your heart that you want to wait until marriage, then you should wait. It sounds like you decided this together, and now he's reneging so you must be feeling an awful lot of pressure.
With that said, waiting a long time to have sex can have its downfalls, too. When a relationship is young, having sex is a great way to express the passion and love you feel for each other. If you don't have sex, you could run the risk of developing a friend-like relationship so when you eventually do the deed, it may feel awkward or lack that fiery passion that was once there. I know waiting can make sex feel more sacred, but remember that having sex is a special thing no matter what.
My advice is to keep talking to him about this. Make a pro and con list and weigh out your reasoning and discuss this as a couple. Only do what you are comfortable doing and don't let your boyfriend pressure you into going out of your comfort zone. I hope you can work this out.
O'Neill
Wonderbra
Kanebo
yes
1DO NOT DO IT IF YOU ARE "UNSURE."
Also, you said you feel very strongly about it. That's all you have to say. So don't do it. Don't let him pressure or guilt you into doing it.
If he strongly feels that he needs to have sex soon, and you are not ready, then maybe you shouldn't be together.
Personally, I would never get married to someone I hadn't slept with before hand... But that's me. You have a different view on sex than I do. And it's equally important to you as my decision was to me.
So, I say don't do it if you are unsure.
2My boyfriend and I have been together for two years and have not had sex. We want to wait til we're married... He's never pressured me, and while I know he wants to wait, I also know he's a guy haha. If he's pressuring you, I would talk to him and if it's something that persists, I would break it off. Have you all talked about how long til you get married? Could it be he doesn't want to get married, and he's just wanting sex?
3u only live once. decide for yourself. live and love your decision with no regrets. your life is your story, what do you want it to say?
4i am 27 and with the man of my dreams. we waited 10 months and have been together for almost 6 years. I would never give back the wonderful years of bliss and intimacy.
good luck.
I say the decision is ultimately up to you... don't feel guilty about your beliefs... if he can't handle it then maybe you guys aren't meant to be together.... I, personally, didn't wait until marriage but that's something I have to deal with and feel comfortable with for the rest of my life..........
5This is a very personal decision, so it really comes down to you. But since you asked, my feeling is that you shouldn't have sex until you feel you are ready and really want to. You'll regret it if you compromise on that.
6I second with Marci. From personal experience, you should NEVER let anyone pressure you to have sex. It's only worth having if you are BOTH ready.
7ALready waited 2 years? Might as well wait til ya'll are married. If he feels ha can't wait that long, maybe he should make sure the wedding is sooner rather than later.
The only thing I would say that would be a negative of not having sex before marrying him, the sexual chemistry may not be there. Ya'll will probably suck at it, but ya'll are virgins (I'm assuming) so it's not like you'll know the difference.
8The main thing is --- if you're not ready - don't do it.
9Stick to your guns... if you aren't ready then don't do it.
10Quite frankly, if you have to ask what you should do, then you already know your answer. Obviously he wants to have sex and you feel comfortable waiting. Why should you compromise your feelings because his feelings have changed? Stand firm and discuss this with your boyfriend. If he still feels he can't wait, then I think it might be time to move on to someone who understands the same views and attitudes you have towards waiting.
11You clearly don't want to so don't. Don't let anyone pressure you.
That's B.S.
12Go with your gut... if it says wait, wait.
13Well, DON'T get married just to have sex. I've seen people actually do that. It's not worth it! Either find a way to compromise with him (can you do everything but?) or you two will have to break up, and you'll need to find someone with your own convictions. It's hard. I was a virgin until 22 so I understand.
And oh, he can wait if you do the right things. If you are opposed to any type of intimate contact until you're married, well, that will be more difficult to find a guy into that.
14I'm with everyone else. Only you can decide what is right for you. don't let him pressure you into doing something that you don't want to do
Just another thought-have the two of you actually discussed marriage, or just waiting to be married to have sex? If you haven't ever talked about the possibility of the two of you getting married, and he's saying he doesn't want to wait there is the possibility this guy has no intention of marrying you.
15How old are you? If you are still in school, NO WAY NO WAY NO WAY have sex with him. You're too young, and you'll regret it.
If you're older, well, still don't have sex with him, because you obviously don't want to.
I disagree with Dear's advice to make a pro-con list together. This is a decision you need to make by yourself, because, ultimately, you're the one it affects. Once you've decided (which, ahem, you already have) then you can discuss it with him, but only knowing that you've already made a decision and are holding strong to it. This will be a part of you for the rest of your life, and you DO NOT want to do it just so a guy can feel manly by having sex. BELIEVE ME.
And if, end the end, this guy would rather have sex than be with you, well, he's a jerk, and won't you be glad you didn't make a mistake you'll regret for the rest of your life?
16Guys come up with the lamest reasons to have sex
Its simple: If you are not ready then do not have sex. If he cannot respect your choice then kick him to the curb.
17"your life is your story, what do you want it to say?"
Wonderful comment!
The feeling I get from your story is that you're not ready, so the right thing to do would be to wait, if he would have sex with you while he knows he pushed you, maybe he's not the one for you?
18Honey, stick to your guns. I'm in a similar boat--I'm waiting until I'm married, and not for particularly religious reasons. Some people think I'm crazy, but those who love me most support my decision, including my fiance. We've been together for four and a half years, and we were friends for a year before that, so he knew exactly what he was getting into when we started going out. I'm lucky that I've found somebody who's so supportive of my decision. Your boyfriend simply needs to choose what he wants more--you or sex. If he goes for the latter, rest assured that there are nice guys out there who won't try to pressure you into something you don't want. They may not always be easy to find, but finding the right person for you isn't usually easy whether you're having sex or not.
To address some of Dear's concerns--it is possible to keep the passion alive without compromising your morals. Maintain lots of physical contact, as much as you can handle without tempting yourself to cross the line. Hugs, cuddling, making out--make sure you make time to express that you are sexually attracted to each other, even though you don't have sex. Some of my friends think this is being a tease, but I prefer to think of it as keeping the pilot light going until we're ready to fan the flames of passion (cheesy metaphor, I know). Just like sexual relationships take work to maintain, proto-sexual relationships also need some effort.
There are also some advantages to that "friend-like relationship" in the bedroom. Sex for the first time between to virgins is probably going to be awkward, and I'd rather be with somebody who will laugh with me, and who will make me comfortable, rather that somebody I'm worried about wowing with my prowess. And as my mother always says (ew, Mom!), "Sex isn't good because you love each other. You work to make sex good because you love each other."
So, keep the faith! Do what feels right for you, and make sure your relationship (with this guy, or someone else) is based on love, compassion, and respect, and everything will be okay.
19Regardless of waiting till marriage or not... Do not have sex until you feel you are ready! If he can't understand that then he doesnt truely love you.
20don;t do it if you are not sure especially if you have gut feeling. Talk to him about it and tell him how you feel. I mean it is not fair to you that both of you decided not to have sex and now he is trying to pressure you into it. If you decide to have sex be safe. If you decide to have sex for him, to make him happy be safe for you ( condoms, birth control...) Good Luck
21I would have been really offended by his comments. You guys agreed about something that was REALLY important to you. So, for him to just out of the blue put you in a position to have to choose like that was really disrespectful. "He thought that as a guy, he doesn't feel he can wait until we're married," is the biggest load of crap I've ever heard. I am dating someone who was very sexually active before we met, and I don't want to have sex until I'm married (I'm a 24 yr old with strong beliefs and I'm still a virgin... why would I give it up now?). We talked about it before we ever started dating. He is the person I will marry, though we are not engaged yet. And he frequently tells me that he is so okay with my decision and still supports it. And, very surprising to him, he's really into it now. I could probably beg that man to have sex with me and he wouldn't because he knows how important it is to me. YOU DESERVE THAT. If he's willing to put your thoughts so flippantly aside for his own pleasure, I'd be worried about what other things in your future he might do the same too. I wish you the best and urge to stand up for yourself. You can't make that decision twice.
22Well, I have to say, that I agree that waiting until marriage to have sex is a really bad idea. It's really important to know that you can have a good and satisfying sex life with the person you plan to spend your life with.
THAT HAVING BEEN SAID, if it's really important to you to wait until you are married, you need to think about it this way: What if you decide to capitulate to his wishes, and you have sex with him, and then he dumps you. Then, 3 years later, you are engaged to the man of your dreams, and you realize that your special wedding gift that you had wanted to save for this man, and this man only, had been squandered on someone who didn't deserve it??? I think that would be a pretty awful feeling.
I think that if he's waited this long, and now suddenly is pressuring you to have sex, there is something else going on in the relationship - I don't think he's going to marry you. You need to either tell him to wait, or to take a hike, because you are saving it for your husband and your husband only, whether it's him or not.
I know that there are a lot of women on here who would think that saving it for another person, and not only for yourself is a bad idea, and a bad reason to make this decision, but I have to disagree - there ISN'T any reason to save it only for you. The only reason to save it is because of the dynamic it will create in your married life, and if it is sacred and meaningful to you to save that as a treasured gift for your spouse, then giving it away to someone else because you are afraid they might dump you if you don't put out means you are too immature to even be thinking about marriage. Save it honey, be strong - or else decide that it's not really that important and come to terms with that for good, without looking back so you will have no regrets. Good Luck.
23DON'T LET HIM PRESSURE YOU!!! If you want to wait, then he can deal with it or y'all might need to break up and and you need to find someone that can understand where you are coming from.
I agree with RockAndRepublic, I absolutely hate when guys use the excuse, "well I'm a guy" for anything!!! Guys are human beings with brains just like us girls, and they can control themselves just like we can!!! They just don't try because the ideas of "society" let them get away with crap like that. When he said: "he thought that as a guy, he doesn't feel he can wait until we're married.", that means he doesn't want to wait!!!!!! If he wanted to wait, he could, and he would. I think y'all just have two different ideas that y'all need to compromise on or move on and find new people to be with...like a lot of posters have said. And just because y'all have different ideas doesn't mean you HAVE to compromise, you can stick to what you believe no matter what. Again, DON'T LET HIM PRESSURE YOU IF YOU ARE NOT READY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
24Okay here is a different perspective....if you love someone and you are completely comfortable with them then why does a piece of paper saying that you are legally married have to make a difference? When you love someone with all your heart it should not matter whether you have exchanged rings, had a ceremony and taken his last name. I do think you should talk to your boyfriend about WHY he changed his mind, but don't be too harsh on him. Maybe he is realizing that he loves you more and more and that he just wants to share that intimacy with you. WHy is that such a bad thing?
25This is a situation where both of you have veto power. I feel that if EITHER of you doesn't want to, then you shouldn't proceed. If he doesn't respect your wishes now, is this a man you want to be with long-term? I don't mean that in an accusatory tone, but as a question to ponder. Also, it does seem to reflect that he's putting his wants/needs above yours.
The bottom line is you must do what is right for YOU (2nd person singular, not plural)! I wish you the best.
26if u dont want to do it then dont, but figure out your real reasons for not going through with it, is it really because u want to wait for marrige or is it your just scared, only you know your true feelings and what u want to do so talk to your bf. dont let him pressure you but try to think about where hes coming from too.
27it is ultimately up to you, obviously. but I'm still going to add my opinion.
I had a long-term boyfriend of 3 years or so and we waited to have sex but did ALMOST everything else under the sun. when we broke up and I got into my next great relationship (because after that one there were some kinda crappy ones), I realized that I didn't really want to wait. that it was all him. and when I had sex, it wasn't this huge thing. like... there weren't trumpets or fanfare and my parents couldn't look at my face and see the SHAME, lol, or whatever.
28because once you fool around, you kind of puncture that innocence and that mentality. for me, once I went below the belt, the only point in not having sex was to maintain a sort of symbol. because all of my sexual purity, I felt, was gone. sex just wasn't that big of a deal.
just something to think about. but if you feel strongly about this, don't let him pressure you.
OH and an amendment to that- just because you have sex doesn't mean you're a prude. the guy that I lost my virginity to is still the same guy I'm with today after 2 years and the only guy I've ever slept with. it's kind of a paradox: it didn't matter in the long run that much to me, but I'm still take it very seriously.
29I didn't mean "doesn't mean you're a prude"- I meant "doesn't mean you're a slut or sleep around at all". jeez. this is what Iget for trying to type after 12 hours of work. goodnight
30If you can go two years without having sex with someone, I don't think you should be with them. Also, I think most relationships fail if both parties haven't been around to see what's out there and have various sexual experiences. That isn't to say you have to be a wh*re, but I think experience is important to feel comfortable in a relationship and sex will absolutely be awkward going at it so late.
31I agree, hold off.
32ALSO, look into all the other intimate things you two can do that aren't intercourse......wink...wink.
I agree, hold off.
33ALSO, look into all the other intimate things you two can do that aren't intercourse......wink...wink.
I disagree with the comment that says you are too young if you're still in school. I lost my virginity in high school and I don't regret it at all, for any reason. It didn't make me a slut or set the tone for the rest of my life.
Anyway. You shouldn't do it just to make him happy. You should do it only because you want to. If you want to wait until marriage, you should. I feel that you're missing something great, but you need to make your own decisions. You might meet someone someday and you just WON'T be able to wait! You'll tear each other's clothes off and be glad you did
34follow your gut! i was with my (now ex) boyfriend for over a year when he pressured me to have sex. at the time, i really regretted it. it was a few years ago and i have definately moved on, but i still feel somewhat resentful towards him. don't do it if you don't want to, you'll most likely regret it.
35wait, wait and wait and wait, did I say wait?
36I dated a guy for four years. He wanted to wait until we were married. I didn't but respected his decision so we waited. Well, then we broke up. And since I did not care about waiting, I stopped waiting.
Now, since I have started having sexual relationships I have learned two things:
1) sex complicates a relationship. It adds a very important factor of compatibility that I truly believe if that level of compatability is not there, it could ruin a relationship.
2) I regret not having sex with my first love.
As an aside, my first time was AWFULOWOMGPAIN and if that had happened on my wedding night I probably would have just wanted to die.
37if you're questioning it, then you must have some inclination to do it.
this is the thing. if you don't wanna do it, then don't.
tell him to j*ck-off (or help him with that. i'm not sure if you 0% sex, or just no penetration). he'll get over it. he's just horney.
i believe in sleeping with someone that is meaningful, but i also wouldn't want to save myself for someone who also wasn't a virgin. why does he get a gift that he hasn't worked for.
and what if u get married, and the physical is bad??? then you gave it away to someone who can't even please you. then you're regretful.
maybe you should ask another virgin. . .i'm just a bit too realistic for this virgin stuff.
38WAIT!!!
The "because he is a boy" excuse is extremely lame. I agree that it is easier for women, but men can wait too.
It is worth it to wait and share sex with your husband. Is it hard? Sure. Is your wedding night going to be mind-blowing? Probably not.
When you don't add sex into the mix you have one less thing to complicate your relationship. You never have to worry about pregnancy and you never have to worry about STDs (assuming you aren't doing other things). There are only 3 100% foolproof ways to not get pregnant: Hysterectomy, castration, and abstinence. You don't know how great it is to not have to worry about that until you have to worry about it!
Okay, I sound like a teacher or something.
But I seriously think that someone who will change their tune like that and pressure you into something that you agreed TOGETHER was not a good idea is not the person you should marry.
The upside is, if you break up now, you won't ever regret having given him something that wasn't his to have.
39I think his excuse is pretty lame, and if you want to wait then you should wait.
I do want to say though, that I don't think it is the best idea in the world to wait until you are married. Sex is a very important part of a relationship, and I would rather know if we are sexually compatible with each other before commiting our lives to each other.
40Dont compromise your beliefs for his unwillingness to wait. He will be so happy that you did wait in the end. That "gift" on your wedding night is the best thing you could ever give him.
41It's important that you belong entirely to someone, and that person to you. The committment of marriage allows both people to experience that belonging. It's your decision to wait, and that decision ought to be respected.
42Sex is not a "gift" you can give to someone else but something you give to yourself. I have seen people who waited and people who didn't and the ones that went well were the ones that agreed on what to do without any resevation.If both people aren't on board with whether to have sex or not then your first time will suck regardless of when it occurs. If you are not ready wait you can always have sex later. If he doesn't respect your choice dump him .
43If you've waited this long dont ruin it, wait till your married
44I don't agree with most of the opinions here. I think you should do it, not to please him, just because I'm sure you'll love it! There's nothing dirty about sex, and it's even better if you do it with someone you love and care about. I think marriages work better if they had sex with each other before the wedding - it's a way of knowing each other better, it's really intimate and beautiful. I say that you buy yourself some comdoms and you do it. I'm sure you will enjoy it because he loves you and he will make sure everything is fine, and you love him and you'll make sure it's good for him too. I was young when I lost my virginity and I don' regret it, it was very beautiful. Sex is not the enemy, sex is great and I think it makes a couple more connected, at least for me and my boyfriend it does. That doesn't mean you should do it because he wants to. I just think that you will enjoy it - I know I do! - and even more because it's with someone who you trust. If you finally choose to do it, have fun and use a condom!
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