I personally think you are wrong in vilifying your fiance's father for not lending you money. Lending money within the family can be a tricky thing, and if you are old enough to get married, then you are old enough not to run to his parents for help. Some parents have that tough love thing going, and you should be grateful because it probably means your fiance is self-sufficient and not a spoiled brat.

How much money are you planning on getting for your wedding, anyway? Unless you know your grandparents are each kicking in 10 grand or whatever, then it seems a bit presumptuous that you'll get enough for a down payment at the big event.

Anyway, I guess you can talk to your parents about the moving issue, and you can hint at wanting to buy the house now but that you'd need help, and see if they take the bait.

But the best thing to do, in my opinion, is stay in an apartment until you two are sure you have enough money for a down payment, and leave your parents out of it. You are adults now and should be responsible for your own finances. If your parents offer, that's one thing, but I wouldn't go after more money than they're already generously giving you.

I agree with popgoestheworld, and also, I think you should think about options that aren't getting money from family. Maybe rent longer, maybe take out a loan...talk to some of your friends who weren't lucky enough to have family support.

I think that if you're confident your parents would be happy to help and will give you a loan (not just give you the money), without any hard feelings whatsoever and you feel confident you'd be able to pay them back right away just as if it was a bank loan, without the crippling interest, go for it. But you're already accepting a huge gift from them, and borrowing from money is so tricky.

I also think since you're starting a new life together, it's time to assert some independence....if that means being a little broke at first, that's kind of how the typical newlywed is anyhow.

If you're old enough to be getting married, you're fiance's father is right -- you're old enough to pay for things yourself. Maybe he is a selfish jerk in other situations, but he's completely right about this.
I'm getting married in May, and even though we had been dating for 5 years, my fiance and I refused to get engaged until we were financially stable. That said, my parents have offered up a LOT of money so that we can have a big wedding (more so because my mother wants to be able to invite all her sorority sisters which we would not be able to include if only my fiance and I were paying), but I would never, EVER ask them for a loan for housing. How can people think you're mature and responsible enough for a husband if you can't support yourself?
Yes, this is an unfortunate, unplanned situation, but you need to learn to prepare for the rough times in life. If you need the money, go to the bank and take out a loan. Yes, you'll have interest, but you seem to already know that you will get the money back in 2 months from the wedding and you can pay it off then. It's a lot more responsible to deal with monetary issues yourself than from looking for support from your parents. Like you said, they're ALREADY shelling out $40,000... don't be even more of a financial burden.

I say move to a new apartment NOW, so you don't have to worry about being moved out on time. And then just go with your plan as usual. Just because you want to be in a house by August doesn't mean you will be. Get another apartment and just keep saving up.

Your fiance's father is right and isn't a selfish jerk. You two probably shouldn't be rushing to perfect the fairytale wedding either. Find another apartment and save until you can afford a house on your own. It sounds like you guys ask for a lot of hand outs to me...

PS. SPENDING A LOT ON THE WEDDING IS NEVER A GOOD IDEA. IT'S JUST A STEPPING STONE INTO A LIFE TOGETHER AND IT CAN PUT A LOT OF PEOPLE INTO FINANCIAL STRAIN, INCLUDING GUEST. MAYBE IF YOUR PARENTS WEREN'T DISHING OUT SO MUCH ON THE WEDDING THEY COULD HELP.

If a house is so important to you in your new marriage, then maybe you should have waited to get married. Otherwise, suck it up and rent another apartment until you have enough money to be able to pay for a house's down payment.

This makes no sense at all! Forget the dream-house and pay for your own apartment! You are not required to live in a house after your wedding. If you can't afford it, then that's just how it is going to be. You can't always get your way. Looks like your current plan is, Get a new apartment and start saving money. It's absurd to expect your relatives to give you money for a house you don't need, but that you feel entitled to for some strange reason.

Wow. You're pretty spoiled. Don't be calling your father-in-law selfish jerk, because he's RIGHT.

I agree w/ the others. Move to a NEW APARTMENT and save up until you get enough for a down payment for a house.

And why are you letting your parents pay for your wedding, and it's $40,000?! WHOA. I won't do that to MY parents. PS. hubby and I will be paying for our own wedding party AND house. We've been saving up.
We're not going to be a burden to our respective families. And yes, his family is similar to your fiancee's, very very wealthy but of course, they're not going to help because we're OLD enough to marry, have kid. So we're old enough to save up like the REST of the population who doesn't have rich mommy and daddy to help them out.

Oh yeah, It also really makes me sick that especially around the holidays people would be so consumed with themselves. I really dislike that so many couples believe they have to have everything work in clock order. You don't need a house as soon as you get married, you don't need to start popping out kids as soon as your married and you don't need to have your parents pay for the wedding! You should be GRATEFUL that you have a family that would go through so much for you. It doesn't mean they're obligated to support you for the rest of your life. I know it sucks that you aren't hearing what you want to hear but you really need to listen to everyone. The fact that you even called his father a selfish jerk is just rude and ungrateful. I would never call my soon-to-be father in law something like that. Do you know there are people living on the streets who aren't even lucky enough to have an apartment? be grateful for what you have and start looking for a new apartment (NOT HOUSE) as soon as possible.

is it possible to move in with one parent set for the 2 or 3 months? my friends who are married sold their condo cause they got a great deal- but they aren't able to move into their new house until march. both parent sets were kind enough to let them stay with them for the 4 or 5 months in between. if that is a feasible possibility i'd ask that instead of money. that way you could still save, chip in some small rent to your parents, and not have to worry about another apartment and lease.

yeah what's the big deal if you can't have a house right away? I personally think 40,000 is far to much to spend on a wedding in the first place. It lasts one day and a home lasts for years. I would have opted to downsize the wedding and put that money towards a down payment since your parents seem very generous.

I would scale down the wedding. You can have a gorgeous wedding for much less than that, then maybe your parents would be more willing to help with a house.

However, I agree with all the other comments. Just because you are getting married does not mean you have to have a house. There are tons of hidden costs associated with purchasing a house other than the down payment, not to mention you have to factor in property taxes every year.

If you are old enough to get married, you are old enough to shoulder your own responsibilities and be financially independent.

Why do you NEED a house right now?? If the house is that important to you then scale back your wedding and use the generous amount of money your mom gave you for the house. I think its rude to accept 40,000 from you parents then turn around and say you need thousands more. How do you know you would get that much in gifts anyways?? I say you either have your huge weding and save up a few more years OR have a smaller weddng and use the gifts and half the money from your parents for a down.

Im getting married in August and my mom and dad gave me a VERY generous lump sum of money. We set up a money market acct. They told me i can either have a nice wedding or use it for a home. I have decided to use half for the wedding and the rest to add to my savings so that in in a year or two we can purchase a home.

I think you are being a bit selfish. You should be greatful you have parents who can afford (and are willing) to help you out. I think you need to get over yourself and be thankful for the huge amount of money your parents have already helped you out with.

I agree with popgoestheworld too.

Reality very often doesn't allow us to do the things the way we'd like to, so you may just have to rent for awhile longer. I also don't think there's anything wrong with your fiance's father not lending you money. No one OWES anyone money just because they have it. It's HIS money, not yours or your fiance's, after all

Why not just be happy that you're getting married and starting a new life? The house and everything else you want will come with time and hard work. That's how most people get the things they want in life.

maybe ask to borrow the money rather than a big wedding. a small wedding with a future in a home sounds like a more sound long term investment, and you're just as married.

I agree that $40,000 is A LOT to spend on a party when you could put the money to much better use.

Since your parents insist on paying the price of the wedding, try to scale down the wedding quietly. You could even cut the price in half and still have a beautiful wedding. You could have it at a public garden instead of a fancy hotel, for instance. Just Google "cheap weddings" to get lots of ideas.

Then, if you request the amount that you saved on the wedding as a gift to put towards the house, your parents will be giving you everything you want (which they are probably happy to do, because it sounds like they enjoy spoiling you), but they won't actually be giving you any more money than they originally planned.

In the mean time, move into a different apartment and continue saving.

P.S. Your father-in-law might be a selfish jerk, he might not. It's wrong to assume that you can borrow money from people just because they are rich.

If you don't have the money for a down payment on your own, you probably shouldn't risk purchasing a house. I think it would be wise to rent at this moment in time until you can save up for a down payment on your own. I don't know about you, but if I borrowed money from MY parents,I would never hear the end of it. If you are old enough and responsible enough to be married, you shouldn't have to ask your parents (or his) for the money. You can't have everything you want right at your fingertips, especially when you are just starting out. A lot of people have to struggle at the beginning of their marriage. You are lucky that you can actually SAVE money for a down payment. Many people can't even afford to do THAT. You are also very lucky that your parents are paying for the wedding. $40,000 is a lot of money for one day. I think a lot of people put so much emphasis on the wedding and reception itself that they forget about the importance behind it- starting a new life with someone you cherish and vowing to be faithful to them. Keep this in mind, and all of the good things will come with time. Be patient. You CAN have it all, but maybe just not right now.

Some of you guys are being too harsh. You can dispense advice without name-calling or vilifying her for her question.

While I don't think she should ask her parents for money on top of what they're spending for the wedding, don't paint her out to be a brat just because her parents are paying for the wedding. Traditionally the parents of the bride pay for the wedding it is not some absurd occurrence. Just because you wouldn't let your parents pay for your wedding doesn't make you better than her, so don't cut her down to put yourself on a higher pedestal.

(this wasn't directed at everyone who replied, just the few that I found most offensive)

If you have to have a house right now, do what everyone else in the world does and go to the bank and get a loan. What's wrong with that? If you have bad credit, maybe your parents can cosign instead of just giving you money.

If you think handing out more cash after the expenses of the wedding would make your parents uncomfortable, then I wouldn't dare ask that of them. However, if they have piles of money around and wouldn't mind, I don't think it's wrong to. Still, part of being an adult is financial independence.

The OP didn't ask anyone's opinion on how much she should spend on a wedding. That's completely up to her and her parents, and if she wants to do it, that's her decision.

You DON'T want to ask your parents for the money. What if they get upset at your greed and pull out of paying for the wedding? What if they were planning on straight up giving you money as a wedding present (bc it sounds like they're rich enough to do that)? For that matter, maybe that's why your future father-in-law didn't want to loan you money!

Now, those are the spoiled-little-rich-girl arguements, but sheesh, just deal with the fact that you're going to have to wait a liiiiiiiittle longer to buy your dream house, and that you're pretty well off. Count your blessings and move on to Plan B.

Move into another apt. Yeah, yeah, it sucks, but just do it. You can do it now and sign a 1-year lease, or you can wait a few months and sign a six month lease. You REALLY don't want to be moving close to your wedding day, so do it ASAP. You're stuck in an apt for six months after your wedding day, TOPS.

How does this benefit you? Well, you won't have to be house shopping right before your wedding, for one. And you won't be rushed to pick out a home under such a time crunch. You can enjoy your wedding, then take all the time you need to find your dream home. And? You can put all those wedding presents in a savings account or CD (min. 3 months, I think) and have even MORE money when it's finally time to make that down payment.

It seems simple to me: If you don't have the money, you cant buy a house and have to move to another apartment.
If you care so much about a house, why don't you have a simple wedding and use the money you were going to spend on the wedding to start saving for a house.
And I agree with the others, your future father-in-law doesn't have to pay for your house, even if he has a lot of money himself. You are grown up.
Plus the whole mortgage-crisis in the US should also show you that it isn't a good idea to buy a house unless you have the financial stability to do so.

Wow....I'm stunned really...a 40,000 dollar wedding? How is this necessary? How excessive! I'm sure you could have a wedding for half that amount...then theres a whole 20,000 left that you could borrow for that house...

i am with nina_79. you are just not being smart about money, even if you think you are.
40K is way to much for a wedding if you do not have any money to get a house. i say you spend 10K on the wedding and put 30K down on the house.
if you want it all, and want it all right now, you are just being greedy.

HMMMM, do you have any idea how expensive it is to keep up a house? In some, you will be broke for a while. You will not be able to pay anyone back. So, just wait until you have saved enough money to cover the down, cover the mortgage and anything that breaks (which always costs more than $1000 if you live in a metro area).

And yeah, these are rich people problems.

If you only need a few more months to save up for your down-pymt (June-August) then, see where you can cut-back a little on your wedding and asking your parents if instead of items ABC,etc you would rather the money that would be used on that go towards your house fund - at this point losing some deposits may be better and put more money in your house fund, then asking your parents to shell-out 40K plus another ??K for your house!!! Otherwise your parents may not appreciate your asking them for extra help when they are already doing so much for you!!! (not that they probably wont do it even you don't offer to sacrifice something for their assistance - they just may feel very bitter and used - understandably so!!!)

scale down your wedding. move into another apartment before you're supposed to be out of your current one. Save up for the year after your wedding and then move into your new home.

I don't think I've ever heard something so selfish in my life. You don't need $40,000 for a wedding. $10,000 can buy you an awesome wedding...hell I was going to get married at the courthouse! You're very lucky that your parents are able to help you like that...you shouldn't be acting like such a spoiled brat.

$40k on a wedding... how about $40k for a house deposit instead? How much do you NEED? This is very much out of 99% of the users on here's league... rich people problems.

Your fiancés father is also not a selfish jerk...

As an independent person who paid for her own private college education, wedding, car, and home (and is currently debt-free), I don't want to get started with you. I truly don't identify with your problem.

why on earth are you having a 40,000 dollar wedding?

I personally do not think that $40,000 is a crazy amount for a wedding. I also do not think that a $40 K wedding equals that you are rich.

However, I do believe that she should not expect her parents or father in law to dish out money for her new house. If she can scale back the wedding then she should. If she wants the wedding to remain the same(which I wouldn't blame her), I would wait to save up more money and then continue to rent.

I don't think we should just assume 99% of the users on here aren't rich. I know a few users on here who are very wealthy (including my friend) and most of them had fairly cheap weddings. I know they had parents who would have dished out 60,000+ for their wedding but they opted for very inexpensive weddings because even they knew that life after the wedding is the most important part of the marriage.

I don't think the issue here is what her parents are spending on the wedding- that's their gift to her and they can spend what they want. A gift is a gift- if they wanted to give her and the fiance a down payment on a house, that's what they would have done. But they are giving her a wedding, so that alone makes it inappropriate to ask the parents for more money.

The issue here is the fact that the letter writer feels entitled to live her life according some kind of timeline that she has deemed as the way. Sorry dear, you'll just have to do what most people do- save your pennies and buy your house when you have the money. There is no manual that says you have to 1) get married 2) buy a house 3) have kids and 4) get a journey necklace or a lexus for Christmas. Welcome to reality.

Ya'll are trying to do too much too damn fast.

finish out the lease (June).
Move into another apartment.

Save up money, because a down payment for a house is a lot of money. I don't know where you live, but here in California houses are EXPENSIVE. Even a house in the hood (compton) will run you $300,000!

you need to save up your money and chill out.

plus, if you do this for yourself, you wont have to pay anyone back.

suck it up, and be adults for once. and be glad someone is paying for your wedding too.

not tos sound negative, but i doubt you will have enough of a down payment saved up by august . . .

Find an apartment with a six month lease. Stop asking your and your fiancee's parents for money. Live within your OWN means.

Wow. I really don't know what youre thinking. I agree with popgoestheworld . Move into a new apartment asap. You dont want to have to worry about moving at the last minute right before your wedding. How are you just going to keep using your parents money?? Dont you want to grow up?? Say you do borrow this money from your parents and you get your house. How do you plan on paying for the furnishing of the house? Are you going to ask someone else to borrow money? This is a snowball affect for a complete and total disaster. You guys are going to end up in debt to everyone you love and lose a lot of respect from your family and your fiance's. DONT DO IT. Just relax and save your money. I'm sure your putting a lot of pressure on your fiance for throwing a tantrum about a house. Everyone does not start from the top. Everybody works for their goals. If you wait and save your money I'm sure your families will have a whole lot of respect for you guys.

Cut down the expenses from the wedding party because seems like in your situation, $40,000 is a bit excessive. Go to a bank for loan! If you can't get a loan, then your fiance's father may have a point. Also, everyone knows lending with the family just causes trouble. As well, why do you need to buy a house when you get married? Can't you rent for another year until you save up enough? Maybe you aren't ready for all this like your fiance's father said. You already got your wedding paid for, now time to take responsibility!

I have no advice, because I can't relate at all (I had a gorgeous wedding that cost less than 800 dollars). I do agree with above posters- your father in law is not a selfish jerk, and it's immature of you to say as much because he won't give you money. He's right- if you're an adult, you should act like it, and not run to your parents for money like a little kid.

First of all your fiance needs to reevaluate YOU and wether or not he can afford to be married to you.

His stepdad was right, not selfish. You should scale down your wedding if you're so desperate to get into a house right away, not ask your parents for more money....that just makes YOU selfish.

Honestly, I can't believe you seriously though people would side with you on this, hahahah.

who needs to spend 40,000$ on a wedding?! jeez! there's your downpayment right there! get rid of all the frills for your wedding and put that money towards a house. a wedding is one day, a house is more important. not saying that your wedding shouldn't be important, but that is a ridiculous amount of money for one day!

You're a big girl. Find another apartment until you two can afford the house on your own.

you can't have it all sweetie.
you sound incredibly spoiled.. sorry, but you're getting a dream wedding, live in a damn apartment for a few years, especially since you both are broke.. why add the stress of owning a house on to all of this?

A big wedding isn't earned or deserved. That 40K shouldn't go to your house either, because then it would be the house that your parents bought for you. You want a big wedding, do it on your own or appreciate what you're already getting. If you want a big house, work hard and save, no one owes you a house. In the mean time, an apartment wont hurt you. You need some humble pie.

it don't matter if she's having a $40k wedding or a $1,000 wedding. her parents are paying for it. who is to say that they will give her the difference if she cuts down cost???

either way, she needs to be glad that they are giving her that, and marry this man, and save up some more money.

stop leaning on others to save the day for you. because what would you do if everyone told you no? what would you do if the bank told you no? (and alot of banks are because of what's going on in the market today).

that means you gotta not each anything but bologne sandwiches for the next year inorder to save for a DP.

well first off i want to say congrats on your upcoming wedding!!!

Second i do not think you should ask your parents for anymore money they are already giving you a great amount of money for your wedding. I do not know how much money your parents have but it could put them in a bad spot if they loan you anymore money. If you want really want to move into a new house by august then you should cut down on your wedding. you can have a beautiful wedding with half that much money. i do not know where you live but if you live anywhere in california right now is not a good time to buy a house. my moms best friend is a real estate agent and she always tells us that right now the prices of homes are way to much and nobody is selling or buying. I say save your money until the prices of homes go down then buy a house. but watever you decide to do i wish you the best of luck.

i also do not think he is being a jerk about this. he is right when you make the choice to get married and buy a home, you should be able to pay for it. big deal if things dont work out the way you wanted them to, life isnt always what we want or expect, you should be happy that you are getting married to the man you love.

This whole topic just sickens me, "OOoh my parents are paying for a lavish wedding and I want money for a house oh boo hoo wah wah wah". Puh-lease. Rich people problems, indeed.

nahh trixiefire, if she were rich, her wedding would cost more, AND they would've bought a house already.

I find people here really judgemental. The more time I spend on those forums who are supposed to be for women to help each other out, the more I find that we are indeed an awful species who just like to put each other down. Men don't do this to each other. We come here looking for advice, and instead of dispensing it, lending an ear, and sometimes a shoulder, and supporting each other's dreams, we carry judgments and act really quite intolerant. Boy, I wish the world was a different place. What about solidarity?

Dear NWTSS, you should have an open talk with your parents about the situation. You don't sound like a spoiled brat to me, you have dreams and desires and they're really wonderful. You should always go after what makes you happy. I know how exhausting it is to move several times in a year (I've been in 3 different temporary housing situations this year, after 8 years in the same place, and I can't stand living out of boxes and suitcases anymore. I understand you!) and on top of that you are getting married, which takes an incredible amount of energy and work. So moving twice in 6 months is going to be stressful and tiresome, it's normal to want to avoid it.

I know you just want a loan and not a gift; so if you think your parents have the financial means to LEND you that money for your house, I would not hesitate to ask, very nicely and humbly. They sound like very nice people and they may perfectly understand your situation. However, if you feel like they're saying no, or hesitating, I wouldn't push the subject, but move out as soon as possible (so it's not a month away from your wedding, when you'll be totally crazed) in a temporary (maybe furnished?) place, putting most of your stuff in storage so you don't have to unpack 18 times.

I've been living like this for 7 months, and it's not pleasant. But it's doable, and it even has perks - you suddenly realize all the crap you've accumulated that you don't actually need, so it helps sort through your stuff!

Good luck to you, I wish you a wonderful wedding, and I hope you find your dream house. ALWAYS TRY TO HAVE IT ALL. You never know, it may happen. And don't listen to the killjoys.

Cheers!