Dear Sugar,
My husband of a year and a half is constantly behaving as though he doesn't trust me. He won't ever come out and say what he is trying to get me to confess to, but he does certain things deliberately to see my reactions and judges my innocence (to whatever he thinks I've done) off of how I act. For example, when I ask him when he will be home, he asks why I want to know. If I don't answer "correctly," or don't behave a certain way when I answer, he assumes I may be doing something while he's out which I don't want him to know about, which is completely ridiculous. I enjoy my personal space (just like he does), but I don't do anything wrong or that he wouldn't approve of.
The thing that makes this so frustrating is that I assume, because I trust him, that he isn't doing anything I wouldn't deem appropriate. I never check his story, or even ask him for an explanation for his actions. His behavior is making me feel like I am doing something wrong, and I'm not even sure what I'm guilty of. I completely trust him but he never gives me the benefit of the doubt, doesn't trust any behaviors that may be out of the realm of "every day" (I'm not sure why I need to explain all my moves anyway), and tests all my behaviors like there's a chance I'm doing something wrong. I just want him to trust me, so I don't feel like I'm a teenager hounded by my parents! What should I do? — On the Spot Sabrina
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Dear On the Spot Sabrina —
Trust is what makes a relationship work, so without it, it's no wonder you feel like a teenager under the watchful eye of your parents. Have you ever been unfaithful to your husband or has be been unfaithful to you? Since he is so on guard, something tells me he has been let down or cheated on in before which is why he is overly protecting himself. Even though it's a natural reaction, his actions are completely not fair to you since you say you've done nothing to make him second guess you.
If having a heart to heart with him isn't helping, you might want to suggest seeing a couples counselor. A year and a half is a long time to be with someone that doesn't trust you, so it's just a matter of time before his actions destroy the foundation of your relationship. It's clear that your husband needs positive reinforcement so continue to show him how much you love him, but if nothing changes with the help of an outside mediator, you're going to have to ask yourself if this suspicious relationship is going to make you happy for the long haul. I wish you luck.
L'Autre Chose
Lola Rose
Take-Two
He is either cheating himself or is so insecure that he is waiting to see when you will cheat. Both are bad and completely unfair to you! I would be miserable! My current husband started out like this when we were dating (he had some horrible relationships). I had to finally tell him, "look you are ruining our relationship I am not the other women you've dealt with in your past!". When I put it to him forcefully like that he has gotten sooooooo much better now. It was tough but I loved him enough to work it out with him. I would try to do just that. I hope it all comes together in the end but under no circumstances should you have to constantly explain yourelf or be on edge.
1Sometimes, people accuse others of doing exactly what they themselves are doing, as a way to divert attention from their transgressions. It seems that since he shows so little trust in you, you go out of your way to show how much you trust him, which, maybe, might be his plan. I don't want to be that person who immediately jumps to the "honey, he's cheating on you" conclusion, so take the above with a grain of salt, but I think it's worth mentioning.
In the short term, you could try turning the tables on him- maybe he doesn't realize just how upsetting his remarks have become. I know that, personally, I have trust issues, and sometimes I only realize I'm going too far when my bf mirrors my behavior.
In the long term, def. go to counseling. Trust issues, whether they stem from real or imagined hurts, don't go away on their own.
2But see, some people project. Just because you might not be disrespecting your marriage doesn't mean that he isn't. If it's not that, he himself has issues and is trying to make it seem like youre the one with the problem.
3I agree with JessBear.
4Was your husband acting like this before you two got married? If so, I would label this as the man thinking he has to keep the wife under lock and key. If he was questioning you like this before you two were married, then I don't understand why you two haven't been in counseling. Either way you look at it, it's WRONG. You can't allow him to do this to you anymore, because it's obviously effecting your self esteem. I'm thinking of the following reasons:
51. He's cheating on you.
2. He has self-esteem issues, along with an emotionally abusive tendency.
3. He gets off on the thrill of instigating an arguement with you, which is why he's nailing you so much.
He's either a controlling bastard, or a cheating bastard.
Time for couples counseling.
6Most people who constantly accuse others are doing dirt themselves!
7Guilty people project. It's time for couples counselling.
8Word, Popgoestheworld. Marriage is supposed to be about trust. If you've never done anything to give him reason, then he's either a control freak or he's up to no good himself. I had an ex boyfriend who was like this and it was EXHAUSTING. You shouldn't have to modify your behavior just to avoid his harping. Please get to counseling.
9Wow, you need a serious talk. I'm quite radical when it comes to stuff like this. If he doesn't loosen up, byebye
10I would go seriously crazy if I was going through this. Good luck to you.
11Sorry, but in my experience (mine and my friends), men like this are cheating and are trying to make YOU look guilty to alleviate their own guilt. Most women involved with men like this stay anyway, but I think you deserve better.
12I'm going to agree with the majority of people here and go with the idea that he himself might be cheating. I'd be careful of even thinking that he has trust issues from previous relationships if it's gone on this long. Sit him down and have a frank discussion with him, and if that doesn't change anything, go to couple's counseling.
13I agree with everyone, this behavior usually means something not good. Cheating is No. 1 I would guess. You should definitely sit down and have a serious talk. If things don't change and you don't get some answers then maybe it's time for counseling, assuming he would agree to go. Most men would refuse I think. Especially if they are doing something wrong and are afraid of it being revealed in therapy. Good Luck though. I'm sure you didn't expected to be sent in this direction by pretty much everyone.
14While I'm normally first to jump to the cheating conclusion, I have to hold back on this one. It could also be that he has been cheated on by a previous wife(s) or girlfriend & he has some serious trust issues.
I say that because, one of my girlfriend's husband has those trust issues, due to his previous wife. It was so bad that, when they decided to date exclusively, they agreed to drop all of their opposite sex friends if the other didn't approve of the friend. (Can you believe that? I would have told him to hit the road right then!) They have since had to go through couples & then marriage counseling & his jealousy/untrusting nature was one of the things they focused on. He is not as bad about it now.
I don't know if I could live like that, knowing that someone is trying to find "clues" in my answers. That would just be so stressful to deal with. My husband never even asks me where I have been, when I come home.
You obviously love your husband, or you would have left already. Why don't you try to get some couples counseling? If he doesn't agree to go, at least get some for yourself. It will help you either deal with his interrogations better and/or help you decide if it's something you can live with, if he's not willing to change.
Just remember, don't let your husband convince you that you are the one with the problem. Good luck to you.
15I also meant to add that my friends husband had mother abandonment issues also, from a very young age. I can see where it was difficult for him to trust women....
16Good chance he's cheating on you, very often people will turn around and accuse their partners either to try to distract from what they are doing, or because they presume that because they are sleazy enough to do this so are you.
The other option is that he's been cheated on before and something is making him believe that it is happening again to him. Something in your relationship could be stirring old memories for him.
Either way you need to have a serious talk. Time for some counselling because this will not go away on its own, and you certainly can't live the rest of your life this way. Good Luck!
17Sounds like he could become one of those abusive husbands trying to control their wives 24/7.
18ditto on the counseling advice.
19As much as I hate to admit this, I have the same drama with my man. He's always accusing me of things, and questioning me. I hate it. We've been together for 12 years. I always think the same thing, is he cheating, guilty conscience?? I don't know. I've never gave him a reason to think anything like that. It kinda breaks my heart every time he does this. I know I really didn't give you any advice, but I know what you're feeling. I can sooooo relate. I hope things get better for you
20Let's see. I'd have to agree w/just about everyone else in regards to the possibility that your husband may be cheating on you. IF and only IF he's not cheating, then he may be behaving like this because he wants you to leave. Perhaps there's somebody else waiting in the wings. Don't want to wish bad luck on you by now means, but please pay attention. Behavior like his only gets worse and you certainly don't need to be treated like a child. You came into the marriage as equals and it should stay that way.
21he doesnt trust you, bc he isnt to be trusted.
22Word, Pop!
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