it does seem pretty unfair. What would happen if you two end up getting married? Would he still insist on spending all the holidays with his family? Because all his arguments would still be the same, right? Has he even discussed the possibility of him splitting with his fragile mom, or is he assuming how she'd react. Most parents realize that as their children get married and consequently start their own families, the holiday traditions will change.

My husband and I lived together for 4.5 years before we got married. We have split every holiday season except the first one, because at the time we'd only been dating 8 months and I was still living in my home state back then. But other than that one year, yeah we've always split. To do otherwise would have been weird.

I'd definitely talk to him about it- you could easily make the same arguments as him - what about your mom's feelings? What about your grandparents? Does he expect to spend every holiday with his family, even after he's married? It seems like he's not thinking about the bigger picture.

Or you can just not go to his family's for December and stay with your respective families for both holidays. Just sayin...

I say that mainly because it's almost a year that you two have been together and that's still a bit of a gray area for holidays and where you think you're going in the relationship.

It's hard for me to really give my .02 since my boyfriend and I have a hard time doing this.

We've been together almost 4 yrs but it's tough when holiday times comes around. It's very important to both our families we eat our meals with them, we both do big family late lunches.

It's hard to say no to my family and it's hard for him to say no to his since we are both VERY close to our families. So that means spending them apart. It's hard to try and go back and forth as well because our families are an hr and a half apart and when you have family around it's kind of hard to drive back and forth.

Once we are married our families will have to deal with the missed meals together and the back and forth and at that point there isn't much they'll be able to say, being married and all but right now it's really tough so we make the sacrifice of putting our families first.

I think he just has cold feet! I think you should definitely communicate how your feeling about this and while your at it lay down some compromising rules for next years holidays. Maybe he doesn't realize how upset you are about this. Maybe he would agree to go to your family in december instead. If Thanksgiving is as important to you as it is for him I would go home for thanksgiving while he goes to his. Maybe he will realize that your also an important part to his holidays. Good Luck!

Wow, you've only been together for a year. It's fine if you spend the holidays apart.

That being said, your guy sounds like a dud. He expects you to give up your family holiday time, but he refuses to do the same? At 27, he's not exactly a child, but he sure sounds like one. He's old enough to know what compromise means. He sounds selfish. This is an indication of future behavior.....something for you to think about in the bigger picture.

Have you asked him why he expects you to give up any of your family holiday time, when he refuses to do so? His reasoning just doesn't cut it. It sounds like he just isn't ready to commit to a holiday with your family and/or he's not ready to spend a holiday away from his.

Good luck.

I don't know how far you guys live apart but my SIL used to go to her family for an early afternoon dinner and his for a later in the afternoon dinner. It's a lot of eating but it's worth it if you want to be together and then you each get to see your family.

If you are not married, then you aren't obligated to spend time at one another's homes for the holidays. My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years, and if it can work out that we go to one another's home, great. If not, no big deal.

I don't think this guy is a dud at all. And as far as the "what are we going to do once we're married" question goes, cross that bridge when you get there.

I also have to respectfully disagree with everyone who says lay down some guidelines and rules about this. That is a great way to not have to worry about it anymore, because you will be single.

You arent married, and he has every right to spend the holidays however he pleases, just as you are. You choose to go to his families for december, thats all you. I went to a boyfriends house on thanksgiving because i felt pressured to do so, my grandfather died that year and i will always regret not spending one last thanksgiving with him.

dont be that girlfriend who thinks "i do it, he should" no marriage should be that way, its not always going to be fair.

holidays are always a hard time..everyone has expectations and people get dissappointed. IMO,
the larger issue here is not where are we going
to spend the holidays, but really, can we compromise?
he wants to spend thanksgiving AND christmas with his family. that doesn't seem like a compromise to me.

if you are just dating to dating, then 'don't worry about it' as some other posters have said, but
if you thinking about something more serious than
that, then i most certainly think compromise, which includes where to spend the holidays, is a huge conversation. have the talk sooner rather than later, because resentment and bitterness can build up if you are the one that is *always* giving in.

my fiance and i alternate holidays since our parents live in different states...one year we do christmas at my parents and thanksgiving at his, and the next year we switch...maybe you can work something like that out? It doesn't really matter how long you've been dating, if he can't learn to compromise with you it will hinder your relationship. I guess I would be worried bc you would hope that he would be excited about spending a holiday with your family, not upset about it.

You need to reach a compromise for this. You can't keep everybody happy all of the time! Is spending thanksgiving apart really that big a deal? I know I'm british and don't fully understand this particular holiday but at the end of the day you can spend time with him any day of the year, but you see your families together at this time.. very rarely?

I'd spend it apart and then go away somewhere for a weekend together at some later point. He's obviously set on spending it with his family so you either go there or you don't spend it with him?

Don't force him to do anything on Thanksgiving. As far as I'm concerned, you should spend Thanksgiving with your family. I personally wouldn't go to his parents' house for Christmas either, since it's not a fair trade.
I have spent plenty of holidays without my boyfriend because our families live in different states, and while I miss him, I'm just happier to see him when he gets home.

I agree with caterpillar girl. One year is also not long enough to make demands on him.

If he wants to spend holidays with his family, I think that's great. He's not under any obligation to spend Thanksgiving with your family just because you decided to spend Christmas with his.

I agree with NicaChica... Less than a year together is a gray area for spending the holidays with each others' families. He's obviously not in a place where HE is comfortable changing his holiday traditions. (He's just using his Mum as an excuse, for the most part, I think.)

Spend the holidays apart. Wait till next year to see if you guys are even more serious, and then maybe you should go to each others' houses for the holidays.

Personally, I would never go to someone's families' house for a holiday unless I was engaged to them OR had been dating them a few years.

I have an opinoin here that I think is unpopular. you should each do what you want. I have been dating my man for 6 years almost, and we have only had 1 Thanksgiving together, and that was only because last thanksgiving his nephew was in hospital getting chemo, so his family did it another day. I figure, we both love our families and don't want to miss that time. we both love each other and don't want to be apart, but IMO--until we are married, niether one of us should assume we have to spend hlidays together. Once married, we will spend all of hour holidays together, so we each spend as much time together on those days as possible, albeit we dine separately. We can let our families fight over who spends what holidays where AFTER we are married. that is the other factor here. Neither one of us wants to deal with the negative ramifications of choosing to go elsewhere.

This is a question that is a little off topic but not so much- is it weird if you don't spend Thanksgiving together? My man and I have been together for almost two years and we are going to be with our families separately this year. We've never spent Thanksgiving together.

I don't think it's at all weird to not spend Thanksgiving together.

Even married, there were years when I would visit my parents over the Thanksgiving holiday while my husband stayed with his family.

You're spending Christmas with his family and he won't spend Thanksgiving with yours? To me, Christmas is a bigger deal than Thanksgiving. He's being unfair, and you shouldn't have to bend to his wishes (sorry, Dear, I don't think she should have to drive to see him when he's being difficult. It's not fair to her, especially since she's spending December holidays with his family, he should come to see hers.) But, you two have only been going out for a year. I've been with my guy for just over 3 years, and we still haven't spent the holidays 'together'.
If he's being so stubborn about this, maybe you should rethink the December plan, and spend it with your family. I agree with Cravinsugar, you're not married yet, so do what you want! Don't feel obligated that because you've been dating for a year you need to spend the holidays together.

it's just 1 holiday and he's not your family; you 2 are just dating. i wouldn't make a big deal of it. if your future works out you'll have a life time of holiday's together and if not you didn't introduce your friends and family to someone who won't be around anyway.

Hm... a year is not long enough to make holiday plans with your bf's family. I've been with my bf for almost 2 years and I still don't come over to his house for any major holidays. He split his time between his family and mine for the day. We live pretty close to each other so that wasn't a big deal. I would split my holiday time if I'm comfortable enough around his family.

You guys can split your day, but that's just me assuming that you guys live close by. =/

i agree completely with citizenkane and caterpillargirl. first, it's not a huge terrible ordeal if you guys do your separate things. my fiance and i are getting married in january, and we still aren't sure how to divide the holidays. also, it may seem unfair, but you shouldn't expect tit-for-tat responses every time you promise to do something. that's like bartering for him to spend time with your family which will very much prevent it from being a special time. you can tell him that it bothers you and how you feel, but ultimatel y what he's doing at this stage in your relationship is not intolerable and i think is actually pretty common.

i agree with aimeeb...this is an issue to be dealt with if/when you get married. until then, families come first.

I'm with nicachica here, too. Spending the holidays with our families is important to all of us. It IS early in your relationship, so why make the holidays an issue just yet? As licketysplit said, if your future works out, you'll have a lifetime of holidays together. If I were you, for this year, I'd let him go to his family, you go to yours - for BOTH holidays - and leave it at that. No making an issue of it, either. It's too soon for that.

Um, why did you assume he would spend Thanksgiving with you? Why didn't you ask him when you spoke about Christmas? You can't blame him for not knowing or understanding. He may have thought you would rotate years, not holidays. Or it may not have crossed his mind at all. I think you should let this one go, and talk about it again next year.

It would be great if you could compromise on this, but you are just dating so holidays can still be seperate. However, if this is a deal breaker for you, then it's a deal breaker. It's your decision to make. But know this, no matter what compromises any couple makes concerning holidays, it will never be truly equal. One family might get more hours. Or one family might have multiple get togethers, while another only has one. And don't forget time spent together seperate from holidays can way into the holiday decisions as well.

Good luck!

cravinsugar I'm with you on this.

Same goes for my boyfriend and I and we're going on 4 yrs.

We'll fight about this when we're married. Ha.

I don't think that the guy is being selfish. They didn't discuss what they were doing for Thanksgiving and she ASSUMED that he would be going with her. They've only been together a year and are not married. She should go home to her family (as he should go to his) and not make a big deal about it. I'm not getting why this is a dilemma.

yeah, I kind of had an automatic "they're not married" viewpoint. once you're married, you can worry about switching it up for a year or two. but even though it was said that you've been dating "long enough", I scrolled up and expected to see that you'd been dating for 2 or 3 years. almost a year, like other people have said, isn't long enough to start trading holidays back and forth. my boyfriend and I have been together 2 years and this is the first year that I've even made an effort to go to both of our thanksgivings. some things are worth putting aside for when you're actually married and it's an actual dilemma.

I'm also in the "but you're not even married" school of thought. Just because it's no problem for you to spend the holidays away from your family, it doesn't mean that he has to feel the same way. I think you're in the wrong for assuming he would reciprocate by spending a holiday away from his family. Until you're married, you should each do what you want to do. And if that means you want to spend a holiday away from your family and he doesn't want to do the same, you're just going to have to accept it. Bottom line, I don't think he's in the wrong at all.

It seems to me if you're willing to compromise and he's not, there's a problem. I'm very close to my family as well but when you're in a serious relationship (one that is obviously serious enough to warrant family introductions) families should be understanding about this. I wouldn't want to be with a man (or family members, for that matter) who weren't understanding about commitments and obligations- no matter the season.

I agree with CitizenKane and CaterpillarGirl on this one.

Just because relationships are equal doesn't mean that everything is 50/50 100% of the time.

I am in the "you're not married" camp as well. This is an argument to be had when there is a ring on your finger...not before. It will not kill you two to spend the holidays apart. I know you were looking forward to introducing him to all of your friends, but you can honestly make that happen ANYTIME, can't you?

The issue for you, I think, is that you "gave up" a holiday with your family and he's not willing to. If you're not going to be happy until he "gives up" a holiday with his, then you are the problem, sweetie. Just say, "That's fine, sweetheart. Spend both holidays with your mother/family, and I'll spend both with mine." And genuinely be OK with it. I have a sneaking suspicion that he won't be upset with that choice!

Um yea a year is really not "so long" that you can't spend Thanksgiving apart - I mean its basically only a long weekend! If he's really the one for you you'll have plenty of holidays to spend together and plenty of times for him to meet your friends etc.

Actually I really agree with everything OrangeSugar said.

I'd move on, and enjoy the holiday at home with your family. I am in a very similar situation (dating 9 months though) and, while I was a bit put off that my boyfriend wanted to spend holidays with his family instead of mine, I fully respect his decision and did not make an issue of it.

I was also in a similar situation with a different bf a few years ago... he was reluctant so spent Thanksgiving together (we had been dating a year and a half by then). Turns out, he broke up with me the week before Thanksgiving!

My point is that if you think his desire to spend the holiday apart is a sign that he is not happy, then talk to him about that. But if you are confident and happy in your relationship, then let it go and don't give him grief about it. The relationship is really too young to put demands like this on it now.

I don't celebrate any of the aforementioned holidays so i wont be as agreeing or disagreeing as anyone above me. You have no obligation to spend time with his family for Xmas(and you might want to keep that in mind), i don't even know why you're doing that. However, it should be balanced out, have you guys talked about your expectations in your relationship? Do you see each other together long term? I dread the idea of spending exorbitant amounts of time with someone else's family, let alone my own(and yeah, im keeping this mindset from here on out).
And i ask, if i haven't already, why are you spending the holidays with his family instead of yours? what gives? I think it's a bit much.

Just celebrate Thanksgiving separate! I know you guys love to spend time together but if you are both so close to your families then you won't regret the choice. Just tell him you can't spare Thanksgiving with your family and if he blows up at you, there's a whole 'nother argument to be had about his expectations of you in the relationship.

Do you guys live near each other? Just spend your holidays separate but see each other that evening.

Honestly, even after dating a guy for 4 years, I only spent Christmas with his family once and it was extremely depressing. I really really missed my family, which is saying a lot because I can't stand my family. But it's the holidays and not being around your own family and your own traditions, can make you feel really out of place and alone. Even with your beau's family there.

Unless you're engaged or married, I wouldn't spend the holidays with his family. Go be with your family, that's what the holidays are all about. I'm sure he just needs a break from you. Everyone needs a break every once in awhile. Let him go to his family's place. But do not spend Christmas with his family! That's just giving him what he wants. Let him miss you.

I agree with RockandRepublic, dont make a big deal out of this. I am married and by no choice of my own my husband is in IRAQ..so you just have to pick and choose your battles. Go be with your family and dont worry about him you dont want him to be miserable anyway because then you wont enjoy yourself!

I've been dating my boyfriend for 5 years and we have only spent one major holiday together, Thanksgiving 2006. We had a good time, but I could tell that he wanted to be with his family and was kind of sad that he couldn't be with them. This year, we're going back to spending Thanksgiving apart! (Although I have told him that, if we get married, Thanksgiving is mine [it's my FAVORITE!] and we can spend every other holiday with his family . . . xmas, easter, fourth of july, arbor day, you name it!)