Dear Sugar
I just found a folder filled with pornographic pictures of Asian girls in my boyfriend's computer. I'm already openly and admittedly insecure, so finding this stash has only made me feel fat, ugly and bad about my self image.
I know that it's normal for guys to have porn, but I hate the way it makes me feel. Am I psychotic if I ask him to get rid of it? What should I do? I don't want to seem too controlling. Horrified Helena
Dear Horrified Helena
Just to give you a little bit of perspective let me "guy-speak" for a moment.
Men don't understand why girls freak out about porn. They think that no matter what - you won't be able to stop them from thinking about other chicks; all you can hope to do is contain them.
They see the porn as a release. It's not a slight to you, and it doesn't mean that they have any desire to cheat on you. It's just fun - and guys like to "sin with themselves".
On the other hand, seeing as I am a woman, I understand, but I don't agree. When I find porn it looks like this big flashing sign to me, I think, "oh gross!"
Porn should only be used as an arousal tool for couples. When guys are sneaking it alone, I view it as an offensive objectification of women and it makes me feel like I'm failing at being able to satisfy my own man.
But for arguments sake - guys and gals need to agree to disagree on this one. Men are either going to hide it from you or be honest with you about it - but all guys do it. And any one who says that they don't, is lying.
So ladies, I am sorry to say, this is likely one battle not worth fighting. Setting limits is OK, but demanding that he go cold turkey is like trying to keep Paris Hilton out of the tabloids - it just ain't happening.
Sephora
Polo Ralph Lauren
Vive Maria
I admit, my guilty pleasure is reading Penthouse Forum !!! I love Erotic forum !! haaaaaaaaaa !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
1If you snooped and found something that makes you uncomfortable, that's what you get for snooping. Now you have to live with it silently or risk him flipping out on you for snooping around. Curiosity kills the cat.
2Well going along with what Princess said, maybe you could casual bring it up and see if he fesses up to it...and then tell him that you don't like it and that you would prefer if it was not part of your relationship...see what he says or does then.
As someone who has first hand seen porn ruin 2 marriages, I can tell you that it can be so destructive and demeaning to women. If it really bothers you that much, you shouldn't have to deal with it...at all.
Sorry if I sound bitter, but this is a fresh episode going on in my family and it's just killing the relationship between a few family members.
3i think if a guy isnt on his comp 24/7 looking at porn its ok then. its normal. i even encourage my hunny to watch or look at pics. i think its hot! mayb he didnt tell u about it so u dont feel that hes a weirdo or he dindt wnat ot hurt ur feelings. it has nothing to do with u being ugly or fat or anything.. have u ever fantasized about another guy? well hes doing the same thing but guys need to have visuals till it turns them on. DONT worry about it!!!
ps.. i rather b caught snooping and talking about it with my guy and solving it or ending it righ then, than feeling like an idiot WAAAAAAAY after the incident or however else it would b brought up.
4As a self-confessed porn addict i understand why he needs it, and i also understand why he has hidden it. He has hidden it because he thinks you dont understand, or is ashamed of it because he has gotten into trouble before over it.
Maybe you could make a movie or take some pictures together, and that may make you feel more on the same footing as the girls in the mags.
and by the way, no-one can make you geel fat and ugly without your permission. there will always be skinnier and fatter people than you, and always uglier and prettier people than you.
5I'm nobody's judge...but me myself ain't into the whole porn thing.
6I am with Jamie1005. I have found it and just throw it out, he never says a thing. I just find it unconfortable being in my home. Its a sicky feeling.
7And no I am not a prude.
8Oh I know whatever04, when I first met my hubby, he went thru my nightstand in my apartment and trew out everything. Yes, very double standard!
9But doesnt the fact you guys are SO against it (and im not saying thats wrong, everyone can have an opinion) mean that it is something that really should be discussed with husbands rather than swept under the carpet? because that means its a moral thing, and obviously that morality extends farther than just pictures.
Isnt it the same as telling partners how many people you have slept with or what you would do if you got pregnant?
Iv done magazine stuff (bikini ON) and i would tell any prospective partner that i have done that because it says that y moral structure is supportive of that, and that i would not like to be made to feel unhappy about choices i have made. In the same light isnt it only fair to say, 'Look George, iv found these pictures in the cupboard and not only do they make me uncomfortable, but I morally disaprove of porn and am curious as to why you think this is acceptable.'
just opining.......
10Oh my goodness, anubis, you forgave that???? Its not just men, ladies, i have sent quite a few sweet little prettys packing quick smart for doing so much as answering my phone without permission!!! and i mean express permission. Privacy is sacrosanct. There is no second chance with me.
11I just don't like it in my home. I have family and friends with children and I just don't want them coming across it. Plus, it does nothin for me.
12Princesspixie, yea, I forgave him.(am I nuts?) Been with him for 10 years (married) now, so it was worth it I guess.
13ditto whatever04, Princesspixie is a tough cookie!
14One of the reasons I don't watch Opera!
15Oprah
16Whatever, Im not really, the only serious relationship Iv ever had lasted years and when i got dumped (by being summarily ignored forever and given no reason why even though we lived in the same house, and if your reading this and know who you are i hope your hair looks really gross) i stayed in bed for 3 months. Thats not tough! lol.
Im not advocating porn by any means, ladies, i fully understand why it is not liked by many women and in a lot of ways i agree, in theory. but what can i say, i cant help buying it and looking at it.
I would feel the same way if i found non-dolphin friendly tuna or, actually this is a better example, if i found gay male porn in my straight bf's possession. because then i would feel i coulnt fulfil him etc.
I have this conversation with my mum all the time!
17well, as far as current (and first ever) boyfriend go, we've lived in the same house since feb, and when he moved in and we were getting to know each other i showed him my stash, and he showed me his, and we have a huge collection!
Now we are together i guess one of the perks is being allowed to borrow without asking!
18PrincessPixie, your standards are high. Thats a very good straight! I am really very passive, I just shrudge it off and go about my business of throwing out in the trash.
19whatever, you would know if he was gay, these women were probably stooges, really imperceptive or just plain stoopid.
20whatever04 How funny (now). I sure it was not funny then. Your right some of these shows on tv can really get you going. Look at Maurey, his show are all about "whoes your babies daddy". It a pot stewing in the making.
21HAHAHAHa! whatever04, is that some funny stuff or what? I mean it is funny when you sit in your living room and watch it on tv, but not so much when it hits close to home. Did she ever find out who that daddy was? I remember the twins, what about the one where the guy was killed and the girl was only like 12 and preg. I think it ended up not be the guy that died. His parents wanted a dna.
22Anubis, wehn i left home at 16, and went to uni with people much older than me and a really dodgy fake ID i found myself very vulnerable to other peoples manipulations. I then discoverd Primal Scream Therapy, which, while i dont fully endorse, allowed me to reject everything in my life and kinda realise that when it all boils down to it its me against the world, and damn it, I'm gonna love me with all my heart, cos if i dont have a reason to, well no-one else will.
So no-one gets into my life unless they enhance it in as many ways as possible. Thats why iv stated going out with BF, because he has affected my life to the point that if he was no-longer in it, or with someone else, my standard of living and happiness would be significantly reduced. Otherwise, they know where the door is and can leave any time.
23whatever, thats when you look into your heart and just KNOW that he loves you and is being emotionally honest. THere is a diffence between being tricked, which i imagine is reasonably rare, and allowing oneself to be tricked, as in the case of a lot of familiys of criminals.
Its like God, if you believe in God or Goddess or whatever. You dont have proof of existance, and yet you are shown every day if you chose to look.
24man i gotta lay off the cough medicine!
25princesspixie, you are one of a kind. My sister was the one with all the guts and bravery, I "was" a bit of a follower because I had a hard time making friends. When I met my current husband, he really helped me to get hard. And I mean by hard, I started standing up for myself. He helped me to develope my identity, and my purposes in life. Sorry to sound so mushy about it.
26Hey what guy wouldnt want a 5'10 blonde with DD's and lesbian tendancies???
only joking, nah, we 'get' each other. Although he doesnt understand why i have deliberately refused to learn basic things like what makes rainbows (disrupts My Little Pony Theory) or why i cook food obsessivly and then dont eat it (my capacity for cooking is greater than my capacity for eating)but i guess thats the boy thing. he is really pretty though - he looks like johnny depp and rodger fedorra's love child.
27Dang, Princesspixie, that is deep!
28oh anubiss, *hug*. I have ALWAYS been hard on myself - too hard in fact. Prolly cos I lost both my brothers when i was young and deal with a bereaved family, not to mention myself, to this day. So i started by doing things like reading the dictionary and memorising it, training my willpower by buying chocolate and never eating it, pretty much 'supermanning' myself, as my cousin says.
This sounds all great and Spartan of me, but it makes me very hard to live with and VERY hard to go out with. Theres only so much self-doubt you can disguise with humour!
29OMG, princesspixie, I cook a 4 course meal everynite and hardly ever eat.(that was good) Please no one shame me, but my husband gets his dinner sereved to him on a tray in front of the big screen so he can do his sports. Yes, call that spoiled, but the guy really treats me like gold. Yes, we have our moments, but they are rare and far apart.
30Plus, I have my own option of working or not working. Yes, I am the spoiled one.
31lol anubis! I get in a cooking mood and i make like 5 dishes and freeze them or give them away. the cat eats very well and so does my flatmate/boyfriend/thing!
lucky husband, i love eating in front of the telly.
32whatever04, I want to tell you something my grandmother told me befor she died a few years ago, She said "anubiss"(haha) take care of no one but yourself. Love your family, but don't let them create who they want you to be. I will never forget it.
33whatever, you DO do at least one thing for yourself that even i can see, you state your opinion freely and intelligently on popsugar. That really (except for what it is you actually say) benefits no-one but yourself and yet u obviously enjoy doing it and it makes you feel happy and relaxed.
you should do things you like to do, things for yourself, every time you do the grocery shopping you should buy yourself a present, like one of those exspensive ductch chocolates, or new nail polish. take yourself on a date to a cafe, or if u dont like sitting by yourself in public, make a cup of tea or coffee and sit in the garden and talk to the fairys.
crap, i just looked at my hands, im morphing into dr phil.
34Oh I know princesspixie, whenever I cook chicken (which is 4 days out of the week) my 2 cats are so up in my kitchen. They love boiled chicken.
35Grandmothers are brilliant people
36Yes princesspixie and we thought they were all out of it when we were young huh? My My how time has its toll.
37Move in with me!! my house is always fun and i tend to collect strays - i have a cat, an extra stray cat, 3 possums who have forgotten they are wild and wander about the hall until i chase them out again, 2 horses and assorted strange friends.
Mind you I am in australia!
38Well my friend whatever04, If I ever open a bed and breakfast you will be the master.(I hope that sounded like a compleiment, cuz it was).
39Popsugar open up a nice world here. I hope I have the opportunity to meet her one day.
40just one more little lecture before i fall asleep, one of the most rewarding things i ever did when i lived in Melbourne, was take myself out to dinner at a lovely resturant, hopped in a taxi, took in a movie, then followed with wine and dancing. (no, i did not waltz by myself!) It was great and i didnt have to ask anyone else if they were enjoying it!
that was when i was 19. and i havent topped it yet in 'things that scare me'. guess the next thing to do is approach a chook or read Stephen Hawkins 'A Brief Theory Of Time'.
You know i think i am the ONLY HUMAN BEING in the world with a phobia of quantum physics? One of these days im going to write another book that disproves it so i can sleep at night!
goodnight darlings, sweet dreams!
41Princesspixie, I am sorry about the lost of your brothers. Our family is kind small and close knit in a way. Thru my lifetime, I have lost my great grandmother and my grandmother, all on my moms side. I don't know my dads side, they disowned him when he married my mom while touring in Vitnam, with two children. They from New York.
42Sweet dreams Princesspixie! Chat with ya soon!
43Aww thanks guys, its 2:36 am here!
In regards to the loss of my brothers, I dont grieve anymore, but i do wish i'd seen the young men they would have by now grown up to be, and i feel i have to push a little harder, sing a little louder so that their voices can be heared too!
Being an only child kicks ass at Christmas though!
44PP, As we all know we cannot turn back the clock, you are a very strong voiced woman. Be proud! They hear your voice! You are a sweetheart!
45whatever, that is priceless. I will always remember that, thank you my friend!
46Pix, I love when you stay up too late and get all prophetic and deep. You are a wonderful soul and I am so happy to "know" you.
47OChottie, LOL-in a very sweet way!
48whatever04, if ya don't mind I got another one from my grandma befor she died in the same speach, she said "Donna" I loved your 4 foot hair in the air (in the 80's). Don't change it cuz your mom don't like it. I thought you may enjoy that.
49My gramdma was a precious gem. I have learned to live life at it fullness. Day by day. I just got to remember that I am important too!
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