I married my boyfriend of five years when I was 23. A lot of people will say that I was too young to get married, and three years into marriage, I've come to believe that the people who told me that were right.
I met my husband when I was 18 and he was 21. We were both wild and up for a good time. Naturally, we've both settled down since. But he's settled waaaay down. I can't pinpoint when it happened, but it's gotten so that I can't get him to leave the apartment. He works during the week and I'm a full-time student. I would love it if we could spend our weekends having fun together, but he sleeps until three in the afternoon and then plays video games for the rest of the day. He literally won't set foot outside our apartment from the time he gets home from work on Friday until he leaves for work on Monday. We moved to New York City about a year ago and I find myself going to museums and shows alone. I'm lonely and I'm starting to get angry.
When I talk to him about it, he makes excuses. He says he's overloaded with work. Sometimes we make plans to do things, but he always backs out at the last minute. He'll say he's sick or his back hurts or the weather's bad. He gets angry if I accuse him of making excuses.
I love him and I refuse to give up on our marriage, but this is becoming a major problem. I feel like sharing our lives should mean more than inhabiting the same space. I just wish someone could tell me how to effectively talk to him about this.
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It sounds like he needs a reality check. You need to tell him how you're feeling and be completely honest even if it hurts. It honestly sounds like he might have some form of social anxiety. I know this because it effects so many people in my family and their exactly the same way. They will go to work because it's their livelihood but once they get home they want to stay in the comforts of their home, away from people and social situations. It sounds like he has withdrew from life a little bit (maybe he's depressed?) You're his wife so he needs to open up to you about how he's feeling. It's much harder for men and they'll deny feelings and hate anything of that sort.
1Read "lies at the alter" by the doc who is on Oprah all the time. Good book about how to communicate effectively and its not a crazy long book either.
2Your husband is not "settling down." He's dealing with depression and video game addiction. Before you think I'm crazy, check out this link:
http://www.google.com/search?client=safari&rls=en-us&q=signs+of+video+ga...
He needs help. Ask him to stop playing video games "cold turkey" and get him to see a doctor. If he can't/won't take care of himself, it may be time for you to issue an ultimatum.
3As a married woman, I'd say that you're hitting a rut there. Everyone has their own way of coping too especially since you guys have moved to a new city. He may be dealing with homesickness, depression, inability to express himself because everything feels different for him.
If he's addicted to video games, it'll be tough but you can always bring this matter up to him and try to wean him off of that.
Plan a mini vacation where it's away from the city and it'll be just the two of you to start. Get him to give opinion where he wants to go, etc so that he'll have a say/ a part in planning it out, get him excited about the mini vacation too
Good luck to you both
4Are you sure he isnt depressed? Did something major happen recently? I agree with nevaeh1978 plan a mini-vacation, nothing major, maybe a weekend get away. Dont give up and try to keep the lines of communication open! GOOD LUCK!
5my husband and I are very similar to you and your husband. I met him when I was 18 and he was 21, got married when I was 21.... I'm now 27. We went through a couple moments of not being at the same place in life, it was always rough trying to reconnect. Communication is key. I agree with the other ladies, he sounds a bit depressed. See if you can talk to him about how he's feeling and you need to let him know how you're feeling....
6Definitely sounds like depression!
7Depression + video game addiction + possible hormonal imbalance. Perhaps see if he is willing to get a physical with full bloodwork done? My husband went through a couple of years of just blaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhness all the time, and I finally demanded he get a physical, and it turned out there was a hormonal imbalance that was relatively easy to fix.
8Good luck.
Sounds like he's depressed. If you still love him, you gotta do counseling before you end things.
Someone who's in their late 20s (especially when they live in NYC) should still have energy and want to go outside. First see if he is depressed. And then see if that can be fixed.
If it's not depression, and that is truly how he wants to spend his days, then maybe your lives are moving in different directions and you need to split.
9I don’t think it is because you got married too young. You were high school sweethearts and you feel in love sooner than the norm. It sounds like he hit a rut in life. It is ok to stay home for a weekend and do nothing, but weekend after weekend were you are begging him to go out with you.....that isn't really good. It sounds like depression to me. His behavior is a clear sign. He doesn't want to leave the house; he gets angry very quickly and wants to be alone. Do you think the move to NY and the loss of friends contributed to this? Are you guys having money trouble or his job putting new stress? I know you don’t want to give up on your marriage when so many people think it is the solution to everything. He has a problem leave him, she has a problem leave him, he is depressed leave him. If I were you, I would seek professional help in this matter and hopefully you can get to the bottom of this and enjoy your marriage.
Good Luck!
10it sounds like he hasn't settled down at all, he's just become really really immature and dependent. do not let him back out of plans!! take out the video games for a weekend. maybe take a mini weekend trip.
its not video game addiction, lol. but he's definitely not happy and is using that as a way to escape from a life he finds boring.
11I would just like to second pinup by saying this has nothing to do with the age of the poster when she was married. This can happen to any married or committed couple. Before this couple can move forward with many of the suggestions posted here, the wife has realize that. Otherwise she will be focused on the wrong thing.
12i was thinking depression right away. i would check that out frist and also grab teh oprah book sass talked about. i think the author is robin miller? its a great book.
13Yeah it sounds alot like depression. You need to have a long talk with him. He is too young to let life pass him by. Obviously you know him better than any of us, but consider talking to a doctor. Please.
14Agree with the above that it sounds like depression. You both need help to get out of that cycle. Good luck to you both!
15While staying in all the time isn't necessarily a sign of depression or social anxiety (some of us just like to stay in and do quiet things, and dislike noise, crowds, and chaos), since you say your husband used to be outgoing, I would agree with the other posters that it's definitely something to look into. Marked changes in behavior are often a sign that something fishy of a medical nature is up.
If you're husband is too reluctant to go to the doctor, or it turns out there's nothing wrong, it's time for the old "marriage is about give and take" speech. So he likes to stay in and play video games? Maybe he should take some of those nights and do some things with you, like play board games or watch movies. Also, maybe some nights he should man up and go out with you to museums, or even just for long walks in the park, to get out of the house and moving. And there's nothing wrong with having some nights where you go out and do something wild, and he stays in and plays video games. But there should be a balance between doing things you want, and doing things he wants. If he can't realize this, then maybe he's not the best partner for you. You'll probably never re-create the fun-loving extrovert you knew in college (unless it really is depression or hormones), but with luck, you'll be able to reach a livable middle ground.
16Maybe, and bear with me here, he doesn't like living in NYC. I know, who wouldn't want to live in the biggest city in the US? I, for one, would hate living in a city where I had to fight for a place on the sidewalk. How was he doing before ya'll moved to the big city? Take into account all the pollution in that air. Some people really appreciate the fresh air and laid backness of the country life. Maybe you could discuss whether it is the city that makes him antisocial. I'm not disagreeing that he is dealing with depression, but maybe the depression was brought on by living in NYC, or a big city in general.
17Don’t ask your husband if he is “depressed”. Try asking him, “is there something heavy on your mind that’s making you feel rundown”. Remember if he does have that problem then he is also sensitive. Women tend to forget that men have feelings too, even after being married for a long time.
Try not to talk to him at home. It may be nice to walk through the park on a nice day and talk. Sit down in a quiet spot and enjoy the fall scenery as you talk. And no cell phones turned on. Make your surrounding before this serious talk be as natural and as peaceful as you can get it. Don’t get loud, angry, or keeping throwing your two cents worth in. If he feels as if the conversation is all about YOU and not YOUR TOGETHERNESS, then he back away from you mentally. Just like if he was at home he would be thinking about his game system.
Talk to your husband in a different place, on a different level, and with different wording. Do not sound like a constant annoying repeat towards him. He is possibly already in a depressed mode. Do not bring him down more.
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