Dear Sugar
I want to be free of my husband, but can't see how to escape. He has abused me for several years, emotionally, financially and sexually. Recently, he's gotten more physically insistent during the rapes, because I've tried to get away.
Although it seems blatantly obvious that I should get out, I have 5 children and mortgage payments of $2,000 per month, as well as other bills, and almost no income of my own.
I have been applying for full-time work for the last year and have tried my hand at various part-time jobs, but my husband's shifts interfere with all of the other schedules in the house and the kids always wind up suffering when no one monitors their activities and homework. (My husband refuses to participate in this).
His job pays well but he spends too much. I need advice, please. Trapped and Traumatized
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Dear Trapped and Traumatized
With 5 children, I am sure you have no free time whatsoever, but you and your husband need to seek out professional counseling. He clearly has no respect for you, and his behavior is usually punishable with jail as the consequence.
It's extremely damaging for your children to witness all of this. Believe it or not, they learn from what they see and you can not change this cycle repeating.
Keep in mind that abusers never change on their own. All they do is worsen. I know it's a lot to ask for you to pick up and leave him, but is there someone you can go to who can help sort things out some options with you?
If ever there were a time to lead by example it's now. If your children see that you have the courage to leave him, not only will they understand that abuse is wrong and intolerable, but you will be even more of a hero to them than you already are.
UPDATE: Thanks to one of our readers for offering this advice instead:
No one in a domestic violence situation should seek therapy with their abuser because therapy encourages participants to be honest, and honesty can often encourage more abuse. I would suggest this woman contact 1-800-799-SAFE, which is the national hotline sponsered by the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence. Here she can find resources available in her area such as domestic violence counselors, legal advocates, and emergency shelters. Individual counseling would be helpful for both her and her children, all of whom will be affected by the domestic violence. Advocates will also be able to discuss ways to ensure her financial security, but she must remember domestic violence often escalates and her safety is the number one priority.
Maje
3.1 Phillip Lim
Mishumo
i'm sorry Pop, but this woman needs to leave NOW! The time has come and gone for marriage counseling. I'm surprised you didn't give her the number for the National Domestic Violence Hotline: http://www.ndvh.org/ or call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).
Please call today! There are shelters everywhere that can house you and your children while you get on your feet. Good luck.
1I agree. He needs to be in jail.
2all of the above and a little more. the police will arrest him based on your report of abuse. the hotline is the best place to start. this is a time to call on all of your friends for their help with money and a place to stay, so gather their numbers to take with you when you go. good luck to you and your children.
3i've also read enough advice columns to know some of the things you should do:
- have a bag packed and ready to go (hide it in a safe place)
- keep money on hand
- make sure you have important documents with you: social security cards for you and your kids, birth certificates, passports (if you have one)
- have a trusted friend/relative know where you are going and how to contact you (one that will not tell your husband!)
No woman or child deserves to be exposed to this type of environment. You have taken the first step by admitting that there is a huge problem with your husband. The rest will follow but you have to keep walking towards a better life.
GOOD LUCK!
4Nicachica has GREAT advice!
5(blushing) thanks popstar. i was a women's studies major in college and this is something that i feel really strongly about. no women deserves to be treated so brutally by anyone, especially someone who is supposed to be her partner in life and love. that's just something that's always infuriated me.
6My GOD please leave now before he ends up doing more damage to you and the kids!There are shelters for abused women and children please take the advce from everyone else on here.You and youre children dont deserve to be treated like crap.ALl the luck and try and keep us posted.I will pray for you and your children for safety and guidence.
7Thanks for posting this sugar. Very true in terms of affect on children especially. If you don't love yourself enough to leave, think of your children and the immense impact this has on them.
8i would also suggest a restraining order. to navigate the legal system, it might be best to get in contact with local domestic violence center, women's advocacy groups, etc. legal aid may provide counsel.
9You nor your children deserve an abusive man. You may think it's hard to be a single mother with five children, but you're practically already there anyways and an abusive man won't change. Get out before he really hurts you or your children.
10If you haven't called/left yet, you must do it NOW for your children. No matter how scared you are. Newspapers everyday report women/children that are murdered by their abusers because they didn't get help in time.
11Yeah - pack your bags get teh kids and get out while you can. There has to be a friend o a family member that you can go to - and there are women's shelters where you can be safe from his abuse until you get your self and the children in a home of your own.
12If you have not called the help line 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) and left by now, you should TODAY. This man needs to get help on his own and needs to be separated from both you and your children. You will not be able to fix the situation on your own. Get your children and yourself away from him and his violence. It's only doing harm. I will be thinking and praying for your strength and safety.
13I know you must be scared to be on your own but I agree you need to do what's best for your children and that is to not be in an abusive household. They need to be in a healthy loving environment. Talk to a relative or a friend who you can stay with and you're going to have to work very hard to survive but you can do it. Go to employment agencies and they'll help you find a full time job. If you can go to school either online or at night if you have someone to watch your kids for a few more hours so you can get some kind of degree or certificate to find you a job with better income. And find out programs from the Government some have free or low cost daycare and help with housing. I know this is a difficult time but now more than ever you need to be strong and fight for a better life for you and your kids. I wish you all the success in the world!
14You can't stay with a Man that hits you, what do you think happen to Ron Artest on Monday, Leave a Man that throws you to the Ground Domestic Violence Dangerous and Unacceptable.
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