Dear Sugar,
I have been living with a boyfriend for some time now. No matter how good my relationship is, and I've been in a few lovely ones, I cannot stop having sexual obsessions about other people. I have incredibly realistic sex dreams, and I think about them while masturbating and even while having sex with my partner. I feel horrendously guilty about this. My sexual fantasy people are casual acquaintances usually, no one glamorous or unattainable, which worsens the situation. It comes to the point where I can no longer stay in that relationship, because my secret just eats away at me.
I never follow through with these fantasies because cheating is immoral, but how can I be in a relationship ever? This is scaring me. Also my current boyfriend is the loveliest man I've ever met. He keeps telling me he loves me the way I am, but I cannot ever tell him my shameful secret, so I am betraying his trust. Is this nymphomania?
—Sex Constantly on My Mind Maria
To see Dear Sugar's answer read more
Dear Sex Constantly on My Mind Maria,
Many people, both men and women, fantasize about having sex with other people. I honestly don't think there's anything wrong with it, if it's every once in a while. The problem here is that you're thinking about other people constantly, and it's getting in the way of you being able to enjoy your relationships.
Since these sexual fantasies are something you are in control of, then maybe when you're alone or with your boyfriend, try and think up fantasies involving him and you, so you don't feel like you're cheating. Maybe you can even suggest that you act some of your fantasies out.
I don't think this will solve your problem entirely because there's got to be a deeper reason as to why you are thinking sexually about other people. You say that this guy is the loveliest man you've ever met, but maybe he doesn't satisfy you sexually. Or maybe you love him, but you're not in love with him and it makes your mind wander to others. If that's the case, you may need to end this relationship and find someone you're in love with who turns you on and doesn't leave you wanting more. Good luck Maria.
Penhaligon
Princesse Tam-Tam
Buti
If this is a recurring problem for you in every relationship, why don't you try not being in a relationship for a while. Just date around. Maybe you're tying yourself down more than you'd like. Good luck!
1Why don't you try telling your boyfriend about your secret? The worst that can happen is that he leaves you. But that is what is going to happen ANYWAY. At least with telling him, you will be giving your relationship a chance.
Just tell him what you have told us, that your guilt is eating you up even though you aren't doing anything wrong. It's possible/likely your boyfriend doesn't always think about YOU all the time so maybe he'll totally understand!
My sense is that your guilt somehow fosters these dreams, since it's something you think about a lot and are ashamed of.
Good luck.
2sweetie, seriously, do you think there is a man out there that gets through the day w/o thinking about sex w/ a dozen women he casually encounters each day? the dry cleaning check in girl, the woman on the subway, his friends girl friend, the meter maid, that girl in reception. it means nothing UNLESS you make it mean something. think of sex dreams as a freebie
and the rest is no big deal. you can't really think that no man you've ever been with has been
thinking about someone else while he's with you, can you?
3It sounds like there could be a possible issue you have with committing to a person.
4am wondering when these kick in, like from the get go or so far in and is it always around a certain amount in that it happens
it may a bit of fear there ie grass is greener kind of thing
or maybe it is your minds way of telling you, you were meant to be a Erotic Writing *grins*
may sound far fetched but figure cover all ideas. I know how not writing effects me soo
5Erotica Writer*
sorry
6I agree with lickety split...I believe men have fantasies all the time! But, because you are a woman, you feel guilty and you shouldnt. Like the others suggested try to incoporate your boyfriend in these fantasies and concentrate solely on him. I hope this all works out for you!
7A fantasy is a fantasy... that's all... no harm no foul! Do you think you're lovely man only imagines you when he's masturbating... I doubt it. I say dream away, you aren't hurting anyone!
8It's just a fantasy, don't worry about it. Well, unless you keep on fantasizing about the same person over and over again
9I think it's totally normal to have fantasies about people around you--it's not cheating, that's why they're called fantasies!--but it seems to me that you are obsessively fantasizing. This requires professional help, which I suggest you seek immediately. Constantly focusing on one thing (no matter what it is!) isn't healthy. Good luck!
10Everyone fantisize. I bet your boyfriend does as well. But you do it constantly which is kinda odd. Myabe you shoud seek counseling and then slowly tell you boyfriend. Maybe you shoudl fantisize about you man and you or something. Maybe you have commitment issues becuase that is an odd reason to leave a person for. But I bet you could answer to all your questiongs with a proper counsiling.
11Unless you act on your fantasies or they become so all consuming that you cannot handle your relationship - don't worry. Stop feeling guilty for something so natural.
12MAN...you fantisize with other people.... i can't do it....maybe with celebrities....hummmm maybe is because i haven't been with other people but my current boyfriend.... (he is my first one)
13"cheating is immoral" well in some books so is premarital sex.
Its okay to fantasize, just dont let it make you into an addict for it, and if it has, go seek some counseling.
You obviously have gone overboard, reel it back in.
14Post New Comment
Please share your opinion with our community, but make sure it is on topic and follows our Community Rules. We moderate comments and prohibit personal attacks, threats, spam, lewd images, or the promotion of your personal website.