I feel very sorry for you but, this is all on you. Your feelings have changed about the subject, his feelings have not and you seem to be getting upset with him. It seems like you are feeling that he is betraying you because he doesnt want more children. You need to realize this is your decision. Stop blaming him for not feeling the same urge as you and make the move to someone who has the same needs as you do in life. There is nothing wrong or unusual about wanting children, nor is it unusual not to want any more once you have created one family. Even if your relationship is wonderful in every other sense, the powerful urge you are having for children will eventually become stronger and you will end up resenting him or he you. I am sorry for what you are going through but I really wish you well.

Not wanting children is a deal breaker. He has been clear about his feelings since day one. He hasn't wavered.

You're at different points in your life. You're ready to begin the phase that he's over. And perhaps his not wanting to have kids with you is a sign that he doesn't really love you.

I suggest you end this relationship and move on. Find someone who shares your desire to start a family. If you never have kids because of him, then at 35 or 38 he breaks up with you, you'll have so many regrets, life will hardly be worth living.

Loving each other is definitely not a good reason to stay in a relationship with someone whose goals in life are not the same as yours.As i see it you have 2 choices, you can either end the relationship or be prepared to remain childless.It's all up to you. You've made your choice (you want kids)and he made his(the vasectomy pretty much says he serious about not having anymore kids) and neither of you should expect or force the other to change that decision.Whatever you finally decide to do i wish you good luck!

vmruby you are so right - she has two choices. She can have kids, or she can have a relationship with this man.

It sucks but he's made his decision and you need to respect it as absolute truth with no hope for reversal. He made the decision after having three babies, and before meeting you, so why are you depressed?

You think if he loved you enough he'd reverse his vasectomy? I think that's a little unfair. The man is 45 and a father of 3. He knows how difficult it is to raise kids and he was probably happy to be done with having babies.

You say you want kids with him and him only, but it sounds like you want children in general, too. If living with this guy means no biological children are you okay with that?

He put his cards on the table as soon as you met HE DOESN'T WANT MORE KIDS. He already had a family, children and lived the life. The man is 45 years old and nearing 50 which is getting close to retirement and just settling down. However, you happen to be in the prime of your life and this is the time people start thinking about kids and family. It's awful because you seem like you really love this man but he can't provide you something you really want. I think you can either stick it out with him, maybe it's time to leave and find someone who wants the same things you want. It's going to hurt but it might turn out for the best.

I agree with luisa that you will probably regret this years from now and there is a chance he will breakup with you and then what?

However, I disagree that life will hardly be worth living.

I agree that this is all on you. He has been very honest and up front no more kids. Having or not having children does not mean he loves you more or less it just means he is done with that part of his life. I do not want children myself and nothing will change my mind. That is one thing that I am always very up front with when I become involved with someone if you want kids I am not the woman for you so it is best for you to go find her elsewhere. If biological children are that important to you it looks like you have a decision to make about your future with this family.

please, believe your guy when he says that he doesn't want children and don't think you can change his mind. it doesn't have anything to do with how he feels for you, like he said he's just done and he wants to enjoy his life. if you continue in your relationship without kids you stand a good chance of continuing to be successful together. however, if you force kids on a man (or any person) who doesn't want them, not only will you both suffer, so will your children. he will be resentful of you and them and all of the things that he likes you for, i.e. the fact that you are young, have no kids and are there for him only, will change because you of course will be focused on your children. he had that with his ex-wife and doesn't want to go through it again and he has every right to feel that way. you don't want a reluctant father for your children. if having children is a deal breaker for you then you have to make that tough decision to start over with someone else who has the same desires as you do.

Love isn’t enough to hold a relationship together, and if you went into this knowing he never wanted kids and you were okay with it, than if you change your mind now you must be the one to either live with it, or leave.

His number one priority should be his children, not pleasing you at this moment. And your number one priority is to make sure those kids aren’t hurt, especially by seeing you have harsh feelings towards his decisions. You aren’t respecting his wishes, because you suddenly had a change of heart.

I feel for you, but the best thing to do is to get out of the relationship before you become too bitter and take it out on this family.

you are young and want kids. That's fine. He's old and has three. Honey looks to me like you need to break up with him and find a man that has no baby/ exwife baggage because you can't compromise with wanting children in a relationship when he doesn't.

Well, I agree with everyone here. You can't fault him for not wanting more children (he's got 3 already), and you've accepted this fact jumping into the relationship. His choice doesn't mean that he doesn't love you, he loves you but he's made his mind already before he even met you, and when you were accepting of the idea, it works well, but now, unfortunately, your biological clock is ticking.

To be honest with you, even if he went through with reversing the vasectomy, there's big chance of him not being able to father any child anymore anyway.

So you only have 2 choices, sweetie. Either stay with him and have no children or leave now and be with someone who wants to have children with you (and yes, you're more than capable to fall in love with someone else and will one day want to have children with them if you decided to go this path).

I agree with those who say that he has always been honest as to what the relationship with him would be like. It does not mean he does not want like you or love you and you should not be depressed since this was an item he disclosed at the inception, ie. that he is done with children and he was serious enough to have a vasectomy. If you have changed your mind, since he has always been clear you have two choices: leave and fine someone else and have kids or stay and don't have kids. I am sorry to say you cannot have both.

I know of a few similar situations and they never end well when the woman or the man (if the woman is the one that does not want children) and they never end well for the couple. One example, MY mom's best friend, in the 80's married a divorced man with 3 children, she married him fully aware that he did not want children and had a vasectomy. About 5 years into the marriage she "changed her mind". It caused lots of fights and eventually she gave him an ultimatum so he reversed the vasectomy (after always claiming he still did not want any children) cause he loved her so much. guess what? She could not get pregnant anyway (although vasectomy's are reversible they are not fire proof) and he resented for the rest of the time they were together, which was not long. The lesson I learned -- you may think he may reverse it but the thruth is that when a man is HONEST with you from the beginning you cannot and should not expect a change. You were warned and told time and time again what starting a relationship with this man meant -- live with it or go away. You have a right to have a child just don't guilt or pressure someone who told you from the inception "not with me."

Well, I may be wrong about this and maybe it's awful of me to give you false hopes, but people DO change their minds sometimes. I believe there IS a chance he will grow into wanting to have a kid with you - you can never say never, everybody knows that. Now your decision is whether to hold on to that shred of hope and risk the big chance to be disappointed (and then you may be too old to start over and have kids with another man...), accept to give up your dream of children (I know I couldn't, it is a deal breaker for me), or... or bite that very bitter bullet and leave.

You're not so old that it's too late to develop a new relationship and have kids some day. But will you find another man you get along with as well as you do with him? Who knows? Life is tough, our parents never really prepared us for those awful choices we have to make sometimes. Personally, I'd also go see a doctor and get my own fertility checked out before I head out the door, if that's what you end up doing. If you're one of the 10% of women who can't have children and only find out down the road after throwing out this relationship, you'd be miserable.

Anyhoo, that's my advice, but it's so hard, and I really sympathize with you. It's impossible to leave a man you love... but giving up on children? Argh. Good luck to you, honey.

Have you told your boyfriend that you'll leave him if he doesn't have kids with you? If so, how does he react? Does he think you're bluffing? Is he indifferent? Does he freak out and beg you to stay?

If it's the first two, you need to go. If he thinks you're bluffing, he doesn't take you seriously. If he doesn't care, then obviously you aren't much of a priority to him. If he freaks out and begs you to stay, I think it might be worth getting into couples counseling with him. There are many reasons for wanting and for not wanting children, and a counselor might help you two figure out exactly why you feel the way you do, if there's the possibility of compromise, and if not, how to end the relationship amicably so as to minimize the hurt to his current children, who have clearly bonded with you.

I'm not saying you should manipulate him, or that you should go into counseling expecting him to give in to you, but if you love this man as much as you say, I think you should take some effort to explore exactly what is going on here before just throwing it all away. This is a big decision, and I think you should do your best to make it a well-thought-out and informed one.

Unfortunately, you have to make a tough decision. You have to choose which facet of your life you are willing to sacrifice: leave this man and find another one who wants to have children with you or live a life childless and bitter. I would talk to him and tell him how important this is in your life, and you don't want to leave, but you might have to. Tell him how much you love him and how you want to have HIS children. Remember, this is your life, not just his. If you really want children in your life, then you deserve to have them. Try talking to him and see how he reacts. From there, you can make your next move.

Colette
http://coletteslovebytes.com

Love and Relationships and Anything in Between...

The problem is he already lived his life and it didn't work out for him. He's been there, done that. Many guys at that age are set in their ways and not really looking to begin again.

You don't know what to do? He doesn't want kids and he's safe guarded himself against the possibility. What do you do? Move on. Don't forgo wanting children over someone, don't forgo anything in life in general over someone else. You're clearly not on the same page so stop beating that dead horse and leave.

It's past that time to move on!!! This is a major deal breaker. Women can not sit around until they are 50 years old waiting to have a child! If this is something you really want you have to move on. You can stay with him and have a wonderful life then he ups and dumps you 20 years later and your now 49. What the hell are you gonna do then? He can decide to reverse his vasectomy at any point in his life and still have children. Women can not do this. Unfortunately we have a clock. You two have grown apart and don't have the same plan in life. It's time to find a compatible partner and have as many babies as you want!

you can sit around, dreaming of being a mommy, and raising HIS kids ( which by the way, i feel is way too serious for someone you'v only known for 2 years). or you can move on.

for me, it would be a mjor deal breaker. when dating, age is nothing but a number, but this is when the age thing becomes a problem. he's already been down this road.

and let's say he gets broody, and wants a reverse vasectomy, and you get preggers, is he gonna have that same glow he had when his first kid was born??? probably not.
and think about his age. if you had a baby next year, would he really be there for you. is he gonna change diapers and help juggle the house hold with you?? and by the time that kid becomes a teen, will he be there, or will his health hender him from dealing with your teens drama ridden life? will he be alive still?

and you need to think about why him and his wife divorced. was he a lazy father? did he degrade his wife? you need to know this before you think about rather or not you want him as a hubby, let alone a baby daddy.

i think you shoukd get out now. you were only together for 2 years (which is alot., but not a chunk of your life).

Well you certainly dont want to "bully" him into having children with you...he will resent you and them. Move on!

Either get over the fact that you'll be raising his kids for the rest of your life, and you can just grow one day to think of them as your own.

Or, leave him.

The fact that you got into this situation and that you changed your mind completely from "NO KIDS NEVER EVER" to "WANT BABIES NOW" shows the fact that you are pretty damn young and don't have your decisions straight. Mentally, you don't know what you really want, or maybe you didn't before and do now? But I bet you, more than anything, you're in mommy mode only because you're around children all the time.

Do you live with him? That's probably why you've gone into hyper mom mode. If you really love this guy, live on your own for a while. If you're still into wanting to have a baby while living by yourself, then I'd say definitely split with him. Because honestly, sweetheart, this man is NOT budging. Stop arguing with him.

-JR

I agree with most of the above. You're the one who has changed, and you can't blame him for not loving you "enough", as he's been very honest. If you can't face a life without kids, you're going to have to leave him and find someone with more compatible goals. Best of luck to you.

It's all on YOU! Leave him or stay in a childless relationship. The age difference is big...added that to the fact that he already had 3 kids....I totallly understand why he doesn't want any more kids...he has LIVED his life...by now he probably in not interested in marriage much nor kids...

People grow apart and it is your choice to stay...cause I doubt he'll change his mind...after 3 kids...I would no want to spend my 60's telling teenagers what to do!

Hmm this sounds a lot like a similar situation my family was in. My dad is a 43 year old widower and has three daughters in all (including me, I'm the oldest at 18). After my mom died in 2001, he began dating this woman in her early thirties who already 3 daughters of her own. After dating for less than 2 years, they got engaged and even though they had a very on and off relationship and my dad has enough problems as it is, she wanted to have a baby with my dad after they got married. Which would be 7 children in all. Fast forward to the future, now they are broken up and my dad has had a vasectomy.

Honestly, you're young, only 29 yrs old, you may not have wanted kids a few years ago, but you probably had not given it much thought. You say your career came first, and you were probably so focused on that, and you enjoyed it, that not having kids wasn't a big deal. I'm 26, and at this point in my life I say I don't want kids, but it's way too early in my life to say that I'm never going to want kids. It'd have been one thing for you to say this in your mid to late thirties, but 20's are a transition period, you're just trying to figure out what you're made of, and for the most part you shouldn't have made such a heavy decision at such an early point in your life. Your husband is much older than you, so you have to be very honest with yourself, and what you want out of your life.

That is a terrible situation to be in. I couldn't imagine having to decide over having kids or my husband. But that is really your only choice. You really have no right putting that pressure on him. He was very honest with you. And more than likely if he ended up giving in, you have to understand there is a huge chance he will end up resenting you. Having a baby can at times can be very trying on even the best relationship, if he is not into it and just does it to please you, and you guys are going through a hard time with trying to adjust to baby life, it can be disastrous. I think you need to find someone that wants kids if you really feel you can not live without them. It seems your only chance of keeping him is giving up on kids. I hope it works out for you way.

From my perspective, I have a lot of sympathy for your situation -I think it is pretty understandable and a lot more common than people like to admit. Having children is obviously a huge undertaking and a lifelong commitment. I'm 29, childless and looking towards having a family too, and sometimes I think that being able to wait as long as we can now makes the decision more difficult! Wouldn't have it any other way though.

Anyways, back to your specific circumstances. Like most people here I abhor the idea of "forcing" anyone into having children, but I think before you consider ending things you need to really lay it all out on the table for your boyfriend. Maybe even consider going to a relationship councilor to have a referee because it seems to me that it is really, really important not to cloud the issue with blame or miscommunication.

You might want to mention to your boyfriend that you can understand how he might feel angry or confused due to this major shift in your thinking, but that this need is real enough and strong enough that you both need to address it one way or another. The status quo is not going to work any longer. Interestingly, I think part of the reason you've started feeling this strongly about having a child is that you've been involved with his kids and seen how wonderful their relationship is - if this is so, it wouldn't hurt to mention it.

Also, you might want to ask if there are specific circumstances or concerns he has about raising kids that you could possibly address. If his objections are based on his ex-wife's behaviour there might be something you can do to set his mind at ease. That being said, there are plenty of issues around having kids on which there is no negotiating. His age definately could be a major factor in the decision.

No one here is as fault - not you and not him. Your feelings towards having kids have changed but change is a part of life and part of every relationship is adjusting to the changes that life brings, both external and internal. Unfortunately, some relationships are not able to survive those changes, but you won't know if yours is if you break it off without completely communicating your feelings. Be strong, be honest and fight for what you want. As long as you fight fair, I think you can find your way to a fulfilling life with the right partner.

Oh my! i'm going through the same issue! I'm not sure if i should stay with him or leave him. For me, it's been 4 years and he still hasn't introduced me to his kids. He says that they're not ready!! Keep that chin up!