I'm glad your in counseling get the help you need and stay strong. You are a good woman who was faithful in your marriage. Do not give your cheating husband and his skank the satisfaction of you going through a breakdown. Stay strong for you and your beautiful children. It seems like the end of the world now but give it time and things WILL get better. Don't even stress yourself about the baby beacause there is nothing you can do. She seems like she likes to toy with your emotions. It's up to her whether she keeps it or not. So don't add on more stress to your life by being concerned with her decisions!

You need a man who is going to honor and respect you! I'm sure he's lying about the condom breaking. He lied about her didn't he? You deserve better. You can find a man who truly loves and respects you. You can never trust a cheat.

Dump that loser and take EVERYTHING!

Ouch. Talk about the ultimate betrayal! I know that you love him still probably and want to make it work, but realize that you will probably never trust him again, and if this lady keep the baby, ugh, i cant even begin to imagine how terrible that will be! I would divorce him and find someone who you truly can trust who makes you happy.

I know this decision is made harder because you have kids. It's easy for someone else to say to just leave him - that's my first thought. Things to consider would be:

The obvious trust issue. I don't think I could ever trust him again.

If she keeps the baby, she will be in your life - or at least, she SHOULD be, because it's not that innocent child's fault that his/her father made this mistake. Regardless, your husband should be involved in their life - I would think less of any man who didn't own up to this responsibility.

If she does keep it, don't automatically assume you wouldn't be able to accept this child. Wait and see how you feel when that time comes. (assuming he's still in your life, that is.) I totally see where you're coming from - for me my gut would say that this child would be nothing but a reminder of the pain your husband caused. But if you do choose to stay with him, I think you should also choose to accept this child into your life. (Facing that task alone would probably make my decision to leave him easier LOL.)

If you stay with him and your children need this explained to them, get them into counseling as well. It's hard enough for adults to wrap their brains around, let alone children.

Good luck to you.

I am so sorry.
::hugs::

Staying in an unhappy marriage is not going to be the best thing for your children. If you decide you don't love him and can't trust him, get out.
Your life is too short to be unhappy.

I'm going to keep you in my thoughts and prayers... My heart goes out to you and your children during this difficult time... I don't have any advice to offer, as I have never experienced anything even close to this betrayal, I can only imagine the pain and heartache you're going through right now... Just stay strong, don't give in, do what you feel is the very best for you and your children, talk to people...talk to a trusted friend or a counsellor regularly and don't keep it all inside...I've learned the hard way that thats the worst thing you could do to yourself physically and mentally...and your kids need a strong Mom right now...just keep your head up and focus on tomorrow...its a new day with new opportunities...have faith in the future

I agree with dear sugar.

However, you could also forgive him and get divorced. It's so easy to hold on to a grudge but It's freeing to let one go. You know this is probably one of the worst things that could happen in life. You find someone you truly love and get betrayed. It might even feel surreal. It's great that your seeking help. The woman who slept with him should be ashamed of herself and It sounds like she doesn't realize the devastation she caused. It's really ashame that women can't bond together and realize that some men are not fair play. Especially when they have other children and a wife.

It's going to be hard on the twelve year old and you should definitely make sure she goes into counseling. Especially when she finds out the circumstances. If you really feel you can't forgive this man and you honestly believe he will do it again (There is always the chance...) It's best to cut ties and start a new life. Bond with your family and do things that you love to keep your mind off it.

I hope the best for you Tell us how it all works out.

If she decides to have the baby, the child is not at fault and needs a father just like your children. I would not forgive a man that did this. The condom breaking is false. Have you seen how stron those things are? He could have given you a disease!! I would leave him and redo my life with my kids if I were you.

Also, realize that you are better than those two and you are the one that will come out on top. If she decides to keep that kid though your kids are going to have a half brother/sister so they might want to know their sibling eventually.

I agree 100% with suheilly.

In regards to not wanting to get out of the marriage because of children, which i totally understand:

I really hate Dr. Phil, so I really hate to quote this, but I heard him say, one time, "It is better to be FROM a broken home than to be IN a broken home." It makes a lot of sense to me. YOUR children are the most important thing...never let them see your bitterness or disgust.

what a hard place to be
what a terrible betrayal
sadly its a hard to give advice in cases like this because not every case is the same because people aren't the same
some people cheat and no apology changes that
some people cheat once, learn, and never do it again
my advice would be to continue counseling
pray for patience and guidance
look within your self and see if forgiveness is something you can give
and give everyone some time
time will tell
time will heal
time will make your decision clear
if he's worth forgiving in time you'll know that
if he's not going to respect your marriage time will show you that too
good luck!

Ugh, my heart breaks for you. I'm so sorry that you have to deal with this.

I'm also going to quote Dr. Phil, which I hate to do, but here goes: You teach people how to treat you. Whatever you put up with is what your husband will do to you.

Personally, I would divorce the man. You know why? Nowhere in the letter do I see anything like, "And he has apologized profusely. He feels terrible." Even if that were the case, I think you deserve better than this—as do your kids.

Whatever you do, keep taking care of yourself by staying in therapy.

I'm with Bella.

If you decide to stay, than you must accept that child into your life and your husband needs to take responsibility either way.

My opinion is that if you both want to work it out, than do it. Its not always "once a cheater" it just takes alot of hard work and forgiveness.

I am so sorry this had to happen to you. You sound like a loving wife and mother. Its good that you are in counselling this is a healthy first step, but regardless of what this woman chooses to do your husband needs to join you in counselling. Obviously with children involved this is not an easy decision but finding a good family counsellor for the both of you will atleast help you work out these issues.

Nobody can tell you what is the right choice for you. Listen to what your heart tells you and ultimately you need to choose what is best for you and your children. Whether that is staying with your husband or not only time will tell.

BellaSugar is so cute, And sounds right, And I"m sure that was hard to read!.. You wanted to hear really sympathetic things, I know. I asked a question here once, and the answers were way harsh, and I felt like, "why did I even ask" but, Once I read on, I did hear some better answers. So stick in there. and the best of luck.. I'm sending you a imaginary charm, OK??

Please stay in counseling and take care of yourself and your children. Hopefully listening to an outside source will give you the guidance you need to make the next step. But should not get off easily.

I think you are almost in denial at the fact that something like this could happen to you and your family and maybe looking for someone to tell you it's OK to forgive and try to forget. If you try to stay, just remember forgiving doesn't make everything the way it USE to be. I think that even if it takes you a while, you will realize all on your own that you deserve better than this.

It is a shame that some men don't truly appreciate their wives/girlfriends until they F-up so bad and cause so much pain, that you feel like you're not even looking at the same person anymore. Don't be the one to pay the price for his actions. Imagine losing the rest of your happiness over one person.....Count your losses-make it a lesson in life. 10 Years is NOT that long.

I graduated 10 years ago.....let me tell you how fast it goes. Don't lose another 10 stressing over where is he, is he lying, who's he really with and the NUTTY things that will run through your mind. If you do stay... I hope it ends up worth it for you.

I am so, so sorry you are facing this right now. Unfortunately, only you can decide whether or not leaving him is right...but luckily, you have time to make that decision. I think your next step right now is to tell your husband that he and his floozy need to decide what's going to be done with the child. These things have a time limit, and you have a right to know what's happening.
Also, I'd be willing to bet that your 12 year old knows something is wrong. She is probably going to need couseling, too, especially if this woman decides to have the baby.
For me, that would be enough for divorce...hurt me all you want but you do not hurt the children, under any circumstances, but like I said...it's up to you to decide. Good luck and we're all thinking about/praying for you.

Take your children and run. And make him pay every penny of the child support for you and your kids. This guy is a total scumbag. Sorry to say that about your husband, but it's true.

That sucks for you and your children. As for your husband, well obviously that was his own doing and while he probably isn't happy about it now, obviously too late.

Two things you said lead me to think you really can't have a relationship with him anymore.

"I will not tolerate another woman in the middle of my marriage."

Unfortunately she already is in the middle of your marriage.

"I can't and won't accept another child that isn't mine into my life."

Then really you can't stay with your husband, because if she keeps the child, that child will inevitably be a part of your life. And I would hope that, in spite of your feelings about her and your husband, you wouldn't take it out on the child. So your options really are change your mind and be willing to accept another child in your life, or cut off all ties with your husband other than arranging child care issues with your children. You can't have both your husband and not any place for this child in your life.

That's a horrible decision to have to make. An affair would be hard enough without the addition of a child so I'm sorry you're thrown into this by your husband's actions and not yours. Good luck.

I have a feeling that this isn't the first time he's cheated. I think the only reason he initially confessed is because he knew he had unprotected sex/the condom broke and there was a possibility of her being pregnant. He probably thought that you wouldn't get AS mad if first he told you about the affair, you were mad, but thought you could get over it, then he drops the "pregnant" bomb.

I agree with everyone else. You have to do what's right for you and your children. Kick him out and file for divorce.

Please realize that if you do accept him as your husband and the new child as one of the family, in return for your supreme understanding you will forever be exacting a kind of punishment from him to pay for putting you through this. Unless you are a saint, whether you actually verbalize your feelings or not it will always be implied that he has asked you to deal with something almost insurmountable and your resentment will be like an enormous elephant in the room. In return, he will forever feel that resentment and feel that he has to constantly be apologetic for his misguided and totally unfortunate mistake. Doesn't sound like a recipe for marital contentment and that makes me feel so deeply for both of you in this awful situation. You will learn how crushing it is to have the one you love violate your trust and he will learn how one reckless decision can negatively affect several lives forever. I'm so sorry for you and your family and pray for your strength that you might make the best decisions possible and come through even stronger on the other side. Just please remember, you will get through this.

My heart goes out to you. What a horrible situation for you to be dealing with. I don't really have any advice for you. But, I'm glad you're in counseling, and I hope that when you ultimately make your decision it's with your children's and your best interests in mind.

And, if you do decide to staym you are going to have to try to make room in your heart for this child. They already have issues to deal with in life that are no fault of their own. I wouldn't wish this kind of parentage on anybody. Don't try to take anything else away from them.

I saw a quote the other day on Skinny Jeans..

"Every woman has the love life that she WANTS."

So if you want a cheating scumbag for a husband then stay with him. I'd cut my losses, get out and then sue him for every penny in the divorce settlement.

im sorry that this is happening to you... ive been there... my husband did the same thing about 3 1/2 yrs ago.... he cheated on me wit this girl while i was pregnant with our 3rd child... this girl got pregnant at the same time i was and she decided to have the baby... to make a long story short at the time i forgave him thinking that i can be ok with it.. i thought about my boys what would they do without their father in their life.... i stayed with him for 3 yrs until i decided that i couldnt take it anymore thinking that we can all be a happy family because the truth is i wasnt happy and how was i going to make my boys happy if mommy was always sad and fighting with daddy... i wasnt in love wit him anymore and i decided to leave him... its been almost a year that we have left each other and its been soo hard on me. ive lost 2 of my boys they are leaving with their father.i see them everyday and spend time with them and then they go back to him... im trying to move on but i always end up falling for a jerk. its been a year and im still lost. my advice to you is stay getting help take all the time you need to make up your mind on what you want to do.. it is not easy. 10 yrs with a person is a long time. i was with mine for 11. btw i love the other child like he's my own cause regardless of what he is my boys brother... till this day i see him and hug and kiss him... its not his fault he wasnt asked to be brought into this world so i never made him feel uncomfortable... if you decide to be with him you have to consider that baby will be around. just think like i did he is ur childrens blood. i dont know if i helped you or made any sense but please make your own decision about this. this is very hard... keep your head up...

I just thought this over when I was in the kitchen and concluded - how do you ever forgive somebody for doing that to you? Can you really expect to grow old with them knowing that they broke the sanctity of marriage and got another woman pregnant?

It's horrible and I can't imagine growing old with anybody who would do that to me. I wouldn't be able to love them anymore because whilst they were out getting their end away, they weren't loving me.

I'm so sorry for anybody this has ever happened to. I knew somebody at work whose husband cheated on her when she was pregnant with her son (after 8 miscarriages) and the other woman got pregnant at the same time. She found out after they'd both given birth (on the same ward..) and went round to confront her.

It turned out that they got on like a house on fire (which I still think is weird) and they take the kids out for picnics and have a pact NEVER to sleep with the guy ever again. He's now out of the picture for both of them and they've moved on and have their friendship now.

This case is very extreme though and very much not how most women would deal with such a situation!!

Honey, on your way to therapy and the attorney's office, do yourself a favor and stop in at the gynecologist's.

This man cheated on you.
This man lied to you.
This man is not looking out for you.

You need to look out for yourself, physically, emotionally and financially.

And that may mean leaving him. Remember, your kids are watching and learning from your actions. They will do as they see.

You have to teach them how to value themselves. If that means working this out with your husband, fantastic, but that will take a lot of work on his and your part. If any party is not willing to put that in, get out fast. (And I'm concerned by what others have noted; that he doesn't seem remorseful.) The sooner you commit to a game plan, the sooner you can get on with your life.

Think of yourself, and the welfare of your children. If you are with him, you won't be happy. Let yourself heal and move on. You two can still be responsible mature parents, but he took a vow to be faithful to you the rest of your lives. He broke it- now he can deal with the consequences. Let that other woman have a guy who is willing to cheat in his marriage of 10 years. Karma- what goes around comes around.

Whoa sweetie. I am so sorry you are going through this. It sounds like you have already made up your mind. It hurt you too much. I think if you stay with him, it will only get worse. The trust between you both is lost forever and why stay with someone you can't trust. If you stay and try to make it work, it may work for a while. But what happens when the baby is born? How will you feel when he starts to pay child support? How do you think you will feel when he is torn spending the holidays with you and your children or his other child? Will you put up with having this child over, playing with your children, having your children ask questions you can’t answer? No sweetie, this will be too hard for you. I think it will be a lot healthier for you, your husband and your children to part ways. He made a very, very bad choice and now he has to deal with it. It sucks that your marriage, your children and an innocent unborn child has to be pulled into this. But he made his bed and now he has to lie in it.

My suggestion is to stay strong and seek counseling, for yourself at least. You are going to need to let out and vent and you need a third party to do so. Stand tall sweetie and remember you are a good mother and a good person. Do what your heart tells you.

We are all praying for you.

I wouldn't normally comment, but I know from experience how hard it is to find support and positive examples if one decides to stay. As most said, only you can decide whether or not to stay, or if you can trust your husband again.

My personal experience was that I did stay and I am glad I did, because I knew my husband and I will still say he is the best husband and man I know, so that even though I had always maintained I would never stay with anyone who cheated on me, the realities were, and are, that his adultery stemmed from childhood parental issues, and he finds it harder to forgive himself than I ever could find it to forgive him.

Also, a few years from that, our marriage is stronger and better than ever and I love him and trust him even more than before, and he shows me every day how grateful he is that he got the chance to right his wrongs which stemmed from hating himself and acting out to make me hate him too, because he really believed, from his past, that that was what he deserved. That's a synopsis of my story. I noticed that your husband admitted the adultery to you himself, and that usually denotes real sorrow according to many experts studying causes of adultery and the hopes for marriages in which adultery occurs. Hope it helps, no matter what you decide, and I hope that whatever you decide is right for you.

Just in case you're interested, in my searching at the time, some iVillage articles really helped me to make up my mind when my friends and family thought they were supportive by taking sides when I just needed to consider all the sides, as well as this article, the results of a study - Unhappy Marriages - found at this website, americanvalues.org/UnhappyMarriages.pdf. If you are interested, you can just do a search through your search engine. It really helped me to make the right decisions for me/us, that I could live with without being influenced in any way. Wishing you the best, and empathising completely, no matter what.

Oops, I forgot to mention, but I think it is important, that my father married 3 times, and had six children with four women - my first two half-sisters were born while my parents were still married, and while we don't have close relationships, I, as the first-born, always wished we could.

I always believed the children were not to blame and probably felt the same way we did, my mother taught me that,particularly as my father divorced my mother and left those sisters' mother at the same time and married a different woman the second time. I was ten at the time and the one who knew first - as my father is a lawyer, his secretary was drawing up the divorce papers when I came from school.

I simply thought growing up that the sibling relationship should not have to be different from a blended family relationship. I didn't get that, but I still love my dad to bits,because he is my father, and I love him with all his flaws,and in spite of them. So it doesn't have to be a bad thing either way.

Perhaps this could help?

Sorry to send so many messages, but this really touches close to home. As you can imagine, I have a lot I could say, I know the betrayal and devastation that results from such a situation personally from a similar perspective - I didn't mention that we have two young children as well. I just know I would have regretted a different choice eventually, and as mine is not the usual choice or advice, I felt impelled to share it.

I send lots of support, thoughts and prayers your way.

Wow. My heart really goes out to you. I know you have two children to consider, but I would find it very difficult to stay in this marriage. The trust has been broken, and even if you could forgive your husband for cheating (which I could never do), there is the real possibility that you might have a walking talking reminder of his infidelity as part of your life. THAT'S major.

No one can make this choice for you. Only you really know how you feel and what you want. But I wish you love and luck. And remember; you CAN have a life without him should you feel that might be a better option.

I'm so so sorry for you. If I were you, I would talk to the woman, and explain to her that she has already destroyed a lot of things, and that adding a child into the mix is going to make your family implode without any chance for repair - and maybe questioning her desire to have a child with YOUR husband, instead of one of her own, and reminding her of how complicated and ugly the situation surrounding the child's birth will be, will veer her decision towards not being such a selfish skanky immature tramp. Maybe she'll be receptive.

Your husband, I feel, will probably never cheat again. He's probably living through hell right now (good for him) and will never want to repeat the experience. Men who cheat repeatedly do because there are no harsh consequences. Having a baby with a woman he doesn't love, the load of that responsibility, and maybe losing you FOR A WHILE (take a breather, maybe?) will definitely teach him a lesson.

Be strong, we're all with you!

xoxo

trust IS hard once its broken. may God be with you in your decisions. *HUGS*

hugs! stay in counseling...you will have to do what is right for you and your children

You poor thing I am soo sorry. You truly deserve so much better. I am sorry for you and your kids.

GET OUT. I know how you feel - you probably can't even imagine life without your husband - but the person you loved and trusted most in the world betrayed you in the worst way possible. He cast aside your feelings for his own pleasure. I don't know you, but I know you deserve better, which you WILL get. Divorce is unpleasant, but a MUCH better life awaits you, sweetheart.

I'm so, so sorry for you. I'm not even going to give an opinion on what you should do, because I'm not sure what I would do. I do have two pieces of advice, however:

1.) Get your 12 year old in therapy, too, ESPECIALLY if you end up leaving, but even if you don't. She knows something is wrong, and she should have help dealing with it so it doesn't come back to haunt her when she's an adult and dealing with her own relationships.

2.) You NEED to be checked for STDs, even if your husband swears up and down there's no reason to. And, FYI? Many STDs can have a dormancy phase of up to six months before they're detectable, so you should get checked now, and six months from now to be certain.

No matter what you decide, this is going to be a long and painful process, but I wish you the best and have faith that you'll come out of it stronger and happier.

I like the idea of a breather.
You need to put some distance on the situation. You can file for a separation, stay in counseling, and try to rebuild your emotional well-being. THEN, and ONLY then can you take a good hard look at your hurt and your children, and yourself and decide what is best for you and only you. My mother always tells me, we give and we give, and forget to take care of ourselves. Then when there's nothing left, we fall apart. You have to take care of yourself, so that you can take care of your children. Whatever will be best for you, in the long run, will be best for them.
With love and empathy,
Michelle

I am dealing with this very thing. My husband cheated after six months of marriage, and I forgave him. He cheated again, six months later, and the woman got pregnant and had the child.

The child is not a toddler, and despite seperating we decided to try to work it out. I still have mixed feelings about this because as everyone mentioned, i have to deal with the financial burden of a child, the other woman and seeing her when we pick-up the child, wondering if he will do it again, the battle to forgive, his guilt, etc.

You have to decide if you're strong enough to deal with those things (and you are) but more importantly if your husband is worth that struggle. Because he will have struggles, but your being there is more of a comfort to him than anything else. But YOU are the one shouldering the majority of the emotional burden.

Ask yourself: does he love me? is he a cheater (will he do it again)? has he learned his lesson? is he willing to do everything it takes to make me comfortable in the situation? will he ensure you a position of respect with the child and the child's mother? will he allow you the time you need to heal? while you're healing, can you be strong enough to be there for him, your child, and your (now) stepchild.

You can overcome all of your emotions around this. But his support and repentance is key, as well as your ability to feel powerful in a situation that could render you otherwise.

You have to weigh it. Keep in mind, 50% of people cheat in a spouse. It's terrible, but it likely was not about you. If he is dealing with the root of his problem and he's moved on from cheating as a coping mechanism, great! If not, leave. But overall...the choice for you is do you want to do the emotional work and sacrifice to see this thru.

I am trying, and I've made some strides. I'll pray for you, but choose what's best for YOU.