I have a very, very big problem. I moved from the US back to France to live with my boyfriend. We have this dream of having a big house in the country with land and all the trimmings. It was always part of the plan for us to move with his best friend and his girlfriend - the more the merrier, in a way (the more, the bigger the house!). Also, my boyfriend insisted upon the fact that his friend is very important to him because they inspire each other tremendously (they are both artists) and work together at all hours of the day or night.
I've been here 6 months, and the four of us live in a temporary house while we're looking for the perfect spot. I've made huge efforts to be cool with the guy and his girlfriend, but there is something inherently "off" in our relationship which makes group situations really awkward. I am at the point where I simply find him the most unpleasant, stressed out, tense person I've ever met. On top of that, his hygiene isn't so fabulous and I find myself cleaning a lot. After him. Some guy I don't like.
To top it all off (yes, it's not over!) he and his girlfriend are in pre-school stage. Their relationship is a bit newer than ours, and they're glued to the hip. They never come down from their bedroom, when they do the atmosphere becomes really uncomfortable, and then they spend hours doing ridiculous things like playing with PlayD'oh or doodling. I find them utterly uninteresting.
My boyfriend realizes that his friend isn't the inspiration he used to be anymore (I haven't seen them do one thing together since I got here!), and he also suffers from the guy's constant stress, which forces us both to walk on eggshells and leads to so many difficult situations.
However, when I bring up to him that I don't think I want to live this way for the next few years of my life (I'm 30, not 22!) he gets very defensive and tells me I'm ruining the whole "plan". But the plan has changed - HIS FRIEND has changed! I don't know what to do. I know that it's a hard adjustment for him to make. I know I'm raining on his parade - but it ain't no parade anymore! And I'm afraid that if I'm too blunt in saying no, he'll end up resenting me (even though I'm confident enough in his love for me that I'm pretty sure he'll end up coming with me and won't stay with Crazy Guy and Placid Girl.)
What should I do? Give him an ultimatum? Find a place for myself, and see if he comes along? Give him some time to assimilate that the situation isn't the amazing dream we had but a total nightmare? I moved across an ocean for this, for him. I don't want to lose him. It's really complicated, I need some help!
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Promod
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Mulberry
I think if you're confident in his love for you then he should be open in listening to you. It sounds like he's very disappointed that the situation is not working out as he wants it to but he's not ready to concede defeat.
In that case, instead of flat-out telling him that it's not working, try being a bit more subtle and make it more about how it would be to his benefit to be out of an environment that stifles his creativity instead of inspiring it. I'm assuming that the more stressed he is, the less creative he feels?
I hope you'll consider moving out of that place and get your own flat for your own peace of mind in the meantime. Then maybe your boyfriend will see how serious you are about not living with them and i'm sure he won't be far behind in following you! In moving out, you're telling him that you need space away from them but you're still letting him see and decide for himself when he can move out. Good luck!
1I once had a boyfriend who's best friend lived with us for periods, and totally understand your frustration!
If you try to explain to your boyfriend that his best friend might have been changed after he got together with his play-doh-girlfriend, you will have a chance of making a united force of the two of you being happy against the four of you being miserable. It seems to me from your point of view that this seems to be the actual problem, too.
There's no say that you can't find seperate houses close to eeach other, and maybe have an agreement that they keep working together and spending a lot of time together, but sharing houses is as 70's romantic as it sounds, not very practical.
Your idea of jus moving out and see if he comes after seems kind of drastical, concidering the effort you've allready given to be with him. Talk to him about it first, and maybe you agree to still be together on terms that can suit you both?
2My boyfriend and I had best friends that were a couple. We did EVERYTHING together and were completely inseparable. We thought it would be great to live together. Well, it wasn't. Living with friends is horrible. It tore us completely apart and we threw them out (most everything was in our names). BUT that was 9 years ago. Once they moved out, and all hard feelings were put aside, we were just as great of friends as BEFORE we all lived together. Over the years we have helped out friends and let them stay with us and has basically always ended up the same...HORRIBLE. I wouldn't do it. If he doesn't agree with you at some point that it probably isn't the best idea anymore, you might want to think about your options. Why live miserable for someone else that can't see you're miserable and compromise. It sounds like you're ruining HIS plans, not your plans "together". Not to mention the fact that you are 30......I don't know what your plans for a family are, but it sounds like you're getting into a complicated situation that isn't as easy as it sounds to walk away from once you're committed. There may be a lot you might be forgetting to think about.
3it's sometimes really hard to let go of a "plan" you have in your head, and sometimes you dig your heels in harder when you feel the opposition. i think you have a couple options here, but the first order of business is to stop letting him guilt you into feeling as though you should be doing something. you don't have to say anything to him, just make sure that you understand that you can do WHATEVER YOU WANT here.
4first option is to ask for an extension--say something like "I just want to make sure that these two are going to last before we commit to a new place"
second option is to look for two apartments next to one another, and tell him that this is all new for you and you need more time to adjust, and also you want soem alone times with him as well.
third option is to get your own flat, and tell him that you're very sorry and you lvoe him and it's not the end, but you cannot be subjected to the living situation anymore (you came to france for him, not for the friend/friend's gf!) and hope he comes around
fourth option obviously is to buy a house with these two. i hope you're not seriously considering that.
basically, your boyfriend needs some more time to come to terms with the fact that even "the best laid plans of mice and men often go awry." it sounds like he's having trouble accepting that his vision of the future is shattered, and although it's NOT your fault, it's easier for him to pretend it is. i would say, if your decision is one of the first two, that you set a time limit in your mind (6 months, 1 year, whatever) for when you're going ot cut him loose and get your own place.
I say move out on your own, if not with your bf. Why create unnecessary stresses for your self? just to appease someone else? Live for you, honey!
5Creating relationship landmines are certainly detrimental.
You have to move out if you are unhappy living with these people. This is your life too, there are no do-overs, do you really want to waste the next few years of your life living with them and being miserable?
6Ugh, I shared an apartment with my high school sweetheart and his best friend, who hated me for absolutely no reason. We made it work at first but then things just got awkward and we got to the point of almost being at each other's throat. (The friend and I.)
I would talk to you boyfriend and argue your case. Be logical, rational, and concise. Your home is a very personal thing and if you aren't happy, why should you stick around? The "plan" was never set in stone and yes, now things have changed. Would you and your boyfriend want to live like that, with all that tension and uneasiness, for a few years? Heck no!
7tell him your not interested in opening a commune.
8I have never heard of anything like this. Does this guy imagine a 4-way marriage, without the sex? It's hard enough finding one person to peaceably live with, let alone three.
Honestly, you just have to tell him that it's not something you are willing to do. You have to risk his anger in order for him to know the truth about what you want. Otherwise, if you drop the bomb 3 months from now, after they've started looking for places etc, it's going to be worse and he'll really have a right to be angry.
Separately, you need to decide if your living situation now is so bad you need to move out, or if you can stick around for a few months to save up money and get a place on your own, and hope he comes with you.
9I have also recently moved across the ocean for a guy at 30, and found the 'plan' wasn't going to pan out like I had hoped. It is natural for your boyfriend to have some trepidation around leaving his friend, especially if he feels responsible for supporting the guy's wellbeing. It is clear he is on the level with you regarding dissatisfaction, but it doesn't sound like he is ready to give up the dream you had. I recommend working together to come up with a way to make the plan still work...without the baggage. Perhaps if he realizes that nothing will change except what already has, out of his control, he will be ready to accept the inevitable.
10Plans change. Dreams change. It happens and you have to roll with it sometimes. You discover who people really are when you move in with them.
Luckily you all have had a change to 'test' living together and you have found that it is not to your liking. My suggestion is you need to look out after yourself, if you are not happy living with these two friends, you need to leave. If you stay, you will only become more bitter, more angry, resentful, etc and it will effect your relationship with your boyfriend. If you are honest with your boyfriend about how you feel and that you are only looking out for the best interest for your relationship with him as well as keeping the friendship of the other two people. If he really cares about you, will respect your wishes and hopefully the situation will be resolved.
Good Luck!
11I really think there needs to be some sort of compromise. I think it's obvious that you and your boyfriend should not be living together with the other couple, but if the problem is that your boyfriends plan for "inspiration" has been foiled because they get zero work done in your new home, then maybe, while still living in separate houses, your boyfriend and his friend could rent out a little studio space, separate from either of your homes? That way, "The Plan" will only get minimally screwed up, but your sanity will not suffer. Hopefully that can be a plausible and affordable (smaller house, and half a studio) solution for you.
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