Dear Sugar,

I am in a place where I will be considering being close to someone again. I have not been romantically close to anyone since my husband died nearly six years ago.

I've met someone and it has the chance of really developing into a great relationship, but I'm scared. You see, I was never experienced with many partners, in fact I've only been with a couple of men. The guy I'm getting close to is very much into sex. I'm nervous about when it comes to having sex, that I won't remember what to do, and that he'll get frustrated and not want to be with me.

I miss my husband but know being a widow in my 20's has left me shy of letting my heart be open. This man is protective, loving and simply wonderful, but his lifestyle is also a little dangerous. When I say that I mean that he is part of a club that sends him away a lot. Since I lost my husband at a young age, I'm concerned that something will happen to him.

I do not want to lose him, but knowing sex is important to him and my lack
of experience and long time since doing so has left me losing sleep.

—Having Stage Fright Francine

To see Dear Sugar's answer

Dear Having Stage Fright Francine,

Your fear of rejection, of not being able to perform to the standards you think your boyfriend holds about sex have such a hold on you that you're too scared to take that leap. The best way to ease your nerves is to be honest with this guy. If he's an understanding guy, I'm sure he'd want to know exactly how you're feeling and it will encourage him to be patient with you and move slowly. If he really cares about you, and you care about him, your intimate moments will be about expressing the love you share, and not about your technique.

With that said, I think your nerves may have less to do with sex and lack of experience than you think. It's obvious that you feel unstable about loss, and I can completely understand why. Are you talking to a therapist to help work through your fears? He's got to know how uneasy you feel about him being away so much and that you're scared about getting close and then losing him so the best thing to do is talk to him.

If he can't do anything about his business trips, then maybe you guys can keep in touch everyday to make your time apart more bearable (by phone calls and emails). If you think that him being away from you may be too much for you to handle, then perhaps it's not such a good idea to get intimate with him in the first place. Just listen to your heart, and if something is telling you not to cross the line with this guy, then you've got to trust your intuition. Good luck.

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