Dear Sugar,
I am in a place where I will be considering being close to someone again. I have not been romantically close to anyone since my husband died nearly six years ago.
I've met someone and it has the chance of really developing into a great relationship, but I'm scared. You see, I was never experienced with many partners, in fact I've only been with a couple of men. The guy I'm getting close to is very much into sex. I'm nervous about when it comes to having sex, that I won't remember what to do, and that he'll get frustrated and not want to be with me.
I miss my husband but know being a widow in my 20's has left me shy of letting my heart be open. This man is protective, loving and simply wonderful, but his lifestyle is also a little dangerous. When I say that I mean that he is part of a club that sends him away a lot. Since I lost my husband at a young age, I'm concerned that something will happen to him.
I do not want to lose him, but knowing sex is important to him and my lack
of experience and long time since doing so has left me losing sleep.
—Having Stage Fright Francine
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Dear Having Stage Fright Francine,
Your fear of rejection, of not being able to perform to the standards you think your boyfriend holds about sex have such a hold on you that you're too scared to take that leap. The best way to ease your nerves is to be honest with this guy. If he's an understanding guy, I'm sure he'd want to know exactly how you're feeling and it will encourage him to be patient with you and move slowly. If he really cares about you, and you care about him, your intimate moments will be about expressing the love you share, and not about your technique.
With that said, I think your nerves may have less to do with sex and lack of experience than you think. It's obvious that you feel unstable about loss, and I can completely understand why. Are you talking to a therapist to help work through your fears? He's got to know how uneasy you feel about him being away so much and that you're scared about getting close and then losing him so the best thing to do is talk to him.
If he can't do anything about his business trips, then maybe you guys can keep in touch everyday to make your time apart more bearable (by phone calls and emails). If you think that him being away from you may be too much for you to handle, then perhaps it's not such a good idea to get intimate with him in the first place. Just listen to your heart, and if something is telling you not to cross the line with this guy, then you've got to trust your intuition. Good luck.
Rosato
1060 Clothes
Irregular Choice
Whatever you do, don't let this guy pressure you into having sex with him. He can go masturbate in the bathroom if it's that big of a deal. It's your body, and you do what YOU want with it. Obviously you're feeling some type of anxiety about the whole thing, and that shouldn't be what you remember when you think about your first sexual encounter with him. When you're ready, you're ready.
A tip that might help you feel more comfortable: Pleasure yourself in front of him. Perhaps that will relieve some of your anxiety. But if you feel uncomfortable doing that, then don't do it.
1Don't let him pressure you into ANYTHING!!! It sounds to me that he may be doing this. Listen to your gut it's perfectly fine if you not ready yet. I'm not sure about the 'dangerous lifestyle'. You also have to take into consideration that he may not be the right one to take this step with...at least not yet. Whatever you do make sure it's on YOUR terms!
2it's just sex, there is no wrong way to be intimate. if you want to be active again don't feel like there is some "standard" you have to meet or that if it goes badly it it's important. you need to feel like (jmho) you can do something really silly/dumb/dorky during sex and he will laugh and still find you incredibly sexy. if you are hesitant listen to your inner voice. maybe this isn't the right guy or maybe it's not the right time. there's no stop watch here.
having said that, you are so young and life should be an adventure. i hope the loss you suffered will be a chapter in your story but not the whole book
3You'll know when it's right, don't have intercourse because it's something that he wants. If he cares about you he'll understand that you need the time to be comfortable with the relationship. Sex is a natural and beautiful thing and if you are hesitating with this guy, maybe he's not the one.
4Do what's right for you.
Don't let the guy pressure you into having sex (if that's what he's doing). If he's a good man, he would wait until you're ready.
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