Dear Sugar,
I'm 25 years old and have recently been dating a 27-year-old guy. On our first date he revealed a couple of mistakes he had made in his past. For many years he was addicted to prescription pain pills but has been clean now for two years. He was also engaged twice, and in both circumstances he asked for the rings back after they broke up.
I barely flinched when he told me about his past, because I'm more concerned about the present and the future. The real clincher here is that last weekend he asked me how many guys I had slept with. We had both been drinking, and after some pressure I told him 20. The next day he acted distant from me and told me that he was really shocked with my number. He's asked for some time to think things over because his opinion about me has changed. How can he be so quick to judge me when his past hasn't been exactly perfect? Should I give him time to think or cut my losses and move on? This problem has touched me deep inside so any advice would be greatly appreciated. — Being Judged Judy
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Dear Being Judged Judy —
Cardinal rule number one Judy — never talk about your sexual past with your current boyfriend, especially when you have both been drinking. Men are extremely territorial when it comes to their girlfriends, and they like to think they're the only person their girlfriend has ever had sex with. It sounds as though his ego is bruised by the fact that you have a higher number than him — ridiculous, I know, but true. Everyone knows that I'm a big proponent of honesty, but when it comes to divulging your number, always sugar-coat it, Judy! Regardless of how colorful your past was, it makes you who you are, and your boyfriend should understand that the same thing goes for him too.
Since the damage is done, you need to ask yourself if you want to be with someone who is judging you for your past when you aren't judging him for his. If this is going to cause recurring arguments, you need to get to the bottom of his anger ASAP or you'll be in for a very unhealthy relationship. It isn't fair for him to resent you for what you did before you knew each other, so if he can't let it go, you might want to move on and find someone who respects you for your past, present, and future. Good luck.
Faith
Alviero Martini
Max Mara
Two broken engagements? I hate to say it, but the guy sounds like he is scared to get seriously involved with anyone. He will always be looking for some reason to end things and you just gave him an easy way out. Believe me, if it wasn't how many people you slept with, he would have eventually found another flaw.
1He sounds very immature. I know people will disagree with me - but I think that question (how many men you've slept with) is ridiculous - my husband of 10 years has NEVER asked me that. And that's because he's secure with our relationship. Who CARES? It's one thing to go through the whole STD testing - that's fine to make sure you're being safe, but your number of sex partners isn't really anyone's business IMO.
You're right - he has no right to judge you given his past. But really even if he didn't have those skeletons in his closet, that would STILL give him no right to judge you. That # is such a double standard anyway - if a guy had slept with 20 girls he'd be getting high fives from his buddies.
If he doesn't knock it off with the silent treatment I'd move on. He sounds emotionally stunted.
2marthalilian126, I agree.
This guy needs ot figure out his life and do some growing up.
3Wow. I think you should move on. I have a good friend that is extremely judgemental and no matter how many times we ask her to cool it, she still judges people based on small items.
But I think Dearsugar is right, I would sugarcoat your number a little next time so that guys aren't intimidated by it!
Good luck, you deserve someone more stable anyway!
4I'm sorry, but I have to agree with Marthalilian126 . . . he's afraid of commitment. If he doesn't snap out of it in a few days because he realizes he has no room to judge, then I would cut my losses.
In the future, honey, try not to play the numbers game. There's no real
winner when it happens. Good luck!
5i agree 100% with marthalilian!
6His 2 prior broken engagements would have spoke volumes to me and sent me running in the opposite direction .I agree with the others. He needs to figure out what he wants to do with his life instead of being the king of excuses, quit being a judgemental a$$ and realize it's never a wise decision to bring up someone's past sexual history . IMHO it's irrelevant to the present and most of all,you may not like the answer.
7I am also like you to me past is past not much you can do to change it so you need to get over it and live your life. I think he is the one with the problem not only with commitment but with the acceptance of others. I would move on to someone you can be yourself with and not worry about being judged.
8Cut your losses and move on girl he seems like a real jerk. Don't let this dummy dump YOU! He has a nerve with his 2 time engaged ass.
92 prior engagements and a drug addiction and he's saying that YOU aren't who he thought you were?
10I'm sure it just made him insecure.
He sounds like he might have some other issues though so I would just consider this a red flag, and if you want to proceed, proceed with caution.
11When guys ask me about my number, I always answer 8. That may not be the exact number but guys don't like a girl who has little experience. Nor do they like a girl who has more experience than them. Sometimes its better not to tell the truth!
12He's got some red flags already, since you guys only start dating what I'd suggest: Move on.
13Dump him & move on. He's got a lot of nerve judging you with his two time engaged & previously addicted ass.
Now you've learned to never tell your number, but at least you found out what a judgmental jerk your guy really is.
14That is a ridiculous question for anyone to ask. Honestly, why does it even matter? My current boyfriend has never asked, nor have I asked him and if he did I wouldn't answer. Move on, if he is going to have to nerve to ask and then freak out then he has issues.
15Easy - He's a control freak.
16He asked for the rings back? He's cheap too.
I also agree with partysugar.. 8 is my 'number' too.
17=)
1. i don't think you did anything wrong
18though it's best not to discuss your past
you don't want to lie either
2. i think that sadly, despite his age, he has some growing up to do and perhaps you should leave him in your past
You can do better. Move along—there's someone better out there for you. (I agree with what others have said: asking for the rings back is t-a-c-k-y.)
19Serious Red Flags going up. I hate to say it but you need to cut your losses and move on. If he has a problem with it he isn't going to change his mind suddenly, its always going to be a problem for him. And his past is alarming, you may have a high number but he's got some issues that are much more serious.
20Um, dearest, ignoring the past is what can keep you in these situations. I wouldn't have given him a second thought after the first date. So i have no idea why after that display you'd stick around thinking that you're doing yourself any favors, you're not.
21I wouldn't even keep him around as a friend. To answer your question, i think he's just projecting his own insecurities. He may not have been with as many as you have so he probably feels inadequate, instead he feels the need to cut you down to make himself feel better. But im no Psychologist...
I do not know how old is this dude, although he sounds immature but why would having two engagements be looked upon as "run for the hills" information? Do we know who broke up with whom? How long ago they were? Whether he has grown as a person since -- when it comes to that?
Regardless, this is why I always answer this question with "why does it matter I am with you now." Asking for numbers is immature and irrelevant. But since you told, you got nothing to feel bad about. say to him it should not matter and if he is going to make a big deal, step off. Period. He probs has slept with less people than you. I hope you did not start this questioning by asking him but regardless if he cannot hack it you must move on.
22DTMFA, if you're a reader of Savage Love. Dump the motherf*$er already!, for the uninitiated. He has no right to judge you on that, and the fact that he would be such a drama queen about it indicates that he'll do it again over another insignificant thing. You don't have time for that.
23Something kind of similiar happened to me a few years ago. About six months into a really lovely relationship, my boyfriend and I did the "pillowtalk" mistake. He admitted losing his virginity to a prostitute. I was a bit taken aback, but I decided not to judge and didn't say anything. Then he admitted that for a few years after that experience, he frequented brothels pretty regularly, and didn't have sex with an actual "girl" (!) until he was much older. That really threw me for a loop, I was kinda grossed out (and glad to have his STI + HIV test results in front of me), but still - I decided to be accepting and not reject him for it. Who knows, guys with their insecurities... etc! I wanted to be understanding. Then he asked me how many people I'd slept with, and when i told him (it was just about the same number than you) he was totally shocked, and acted like I was the most disgusting person he had ever met.
Three days later he broke up with me, with a speech that "he could never have children with a woman like me, with no sense of morals and blablabla".
Now seriously, WHO THE HELL DID HE THINK HE WAS? What's up with that high horse? Are you kidding me? What a loser. I hope he's back at the loveless brothel, that sorry ass, and caught a massive case of herpes.
My current boyfriend doesn't know how many men I've slept with, but he knows it's a higher number than his own conquests (which isn't hard...). Sometimes, he's a little insecure about it - but he has never made me feel awful or dirty.
Just give him a little time to get over his insecurities; it's still fresh. But if he bugs you about it for too long or makes you feel bad, just move on. We have every right in the world to do whatever we want with our bodies, and having sex with men we have liked for reasons of our own is an absolute inalienable right. Having sex doesn't have to be dirty. It can be absolutely amazing for many other reasons other than love. It is ok. Don't ever feel like you did something wrong.
Except for telling him. That was really stupid! Don't you know the law of three's? Men multiply by 3, women divide... But the best policy is just to keep mum. But I'm sure you know that now!
24Move on, honey. If you didn't judge him for what appear to be MAJOR mistakes in his past, he SHOULD NOT be judging you for having 20 sexual partners.
There's nothing wrong wth having had 20 sexual partners, if you practiced safe sex.
I would dump him. He's not worth your time.
25I'm kind of surprised that everyone here thinks you should lie about your number...I dunno, it just doesn't seem very liberated OR honest. I mean, the bumber of people you've slept with is nothing to be ashamed of. And while I wouldn't reveal it early on in a relationship, and I'd NEVER want details, I can't see being in a serious relationship and not knowing the basic outline of each other's sexual history.
Which is all the more reason to dump this guy. He can't accept you as you are, a sexual being, than he's a waste of time.
26He's got some issues...and definitely judgmental.
27BLAH.
Who does he think he is???
I think he's the type to find something wrong with someone and is always ready to bail on her.
You don't want someone like that.
He's not worth it.
give him the elbow love. if he cant accept you for now or the past then hell bring it up in the future and play on his mind. obvs hes not worth it, get someone bettr who'll give you the respect you deserve:)
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