Dear Sugar,

I have been dating my boyfriend for two years. Ten months of it was long distance - way long distance between the US and Europe. He has been back in the US for about four months, and I just started graduate school and he hates his job. We have been having a lot of issues recently and there has been a lot of fighting.

One of our problems is that I am not sexual enough for him. I am 24 years old and he is my first and only partner. Obviously we didn't have sex much last year because we only saw each other three times in ten months. Recently, I just haven't felt like having sex. I don't know what's wrong with me but I just don't really like sex that much in the first place. He told me it bothers him that I don't want to and said I should have my hands all over him. He says this is something that needs to change since he is such a sexual person. So I guess I just don't know what to do. Is there something wrong with me? I love him so much but I got tired of having sex. I just don't know why.

—Not Horny Halley

To see Dear Sugar's answer

Dear Not Horny Halley,

I can tell you why. Since you are so inexperienced, you obviously don't feel that comfortable having sex yet. Also, it didn't help that the person you lost your virginity to lived in Europe for most of your relationship, so you didn't get much practice. Maybe you feel a little weird having sex with him because you don't know him that well, so intimacy feels awkward. You also mentioned that you're in grad school, so I bet you're really overworked and tired, which doesn't help with your sex drive either.

Since you haven't had that much sex, I bet you haven't had many (or any) mind-blowing experiences. I'm wondering if your boyfriend is putting forth any effort to pleasure you, because if he's not, and he's just going right into sex, then it's going to hurt and not make you want to have sex ever again. If your man wants to be intimate with you, he needs to figure out how to turn you on, and you can help him by telling him what you like. If you're not that sure, I suggest getting to know what you like by yourself. If you can get yourself to orgasm by masturbating, then you'll be able to explain to your man in detail how he can do the same.

If you truly love him, then I think you guys can work this out. Sex definitely takes practice. I suggest giving intimacy an honest effort because the more you do it, the more comfortable you'll feel, and the better it'll get. If you still don't want to have sex, then maybe it has something to do with how you feel about your boyfriend. If that's the case, it may be time to date other people because there may be someone else out there who can light the fire of passion inside you better than this guy can.

Source [1]