Dear Sugar,
I have been dating my boyfriend for two years. Ten months of it was long distance - way long distance between the US and Europe. He has been back in the US for about four months, and I just started graduate school and he hates his job. We have been having a lot of issues recently and there has been a lot of fighting.
One of our problems is that I am not sexual enough for him. I am 24 years old and he is my first and only partner. Obviously we didn't have sex much last year because we only saw each other three times in ten months. Recently, I just haven't felt like having sex. I don't know what's wrong with me but I just don't really like sex that much in the first place. He told me it bothers him that I don't want to and said I should have my hands all over him. He says this is something that needs to change since he is such a sexual person. So I guess I just don't know what to do. Is there something wrong with me? I love him so much but I got tired of having sex. I just don't know why.
—Not Horny Halley
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Dear Not Horny Halley,
I can tell you why. Since you are so inexperienced, you obviously don't feel that comfortable having sex yet. Also, it didn't help that the person you lost your virginity to lived in Europe for most of your relationship, so you didn't get much practice. Maybe you feel a little weird having sex with him because you don't know him that well, so intimacy feels awkward. You also mentioned that you're in grad school, so I bet you're really overworked and tired, which doesn't help with your sex drive either.
Since you haven't had that much sex, I bet you haven't had many (or any) mind-blowing experiences. I'm wondering if your boyfriend is putting forth any effort to pleasure you, because if he's not, and he's just going right into sex, then it's going to hurt and not make you want to have sex ever again. If your man wants to be intimate with you, he needs to figure out how to turn you on, and you can help him by telling him what you like. If you're not that sure, I suggest getting to know what you like by yourself. If you can get yourself to orgasm by masturbating, then you'll be able to explain to your man in detail how he can do the same.
If you truly love him, then I think you guys can work this out. Sex definitely takes practice. I suggest giving intimacy an honest effort because the more you do it, the more comfortable you'll feel, and the better it'll get. If you still don't want to have sex, then maybe it has something to do with how you feel about your boyfriend. If that's the case, it may be time to date other people because there may be someone else out there who can light the fire of passion inside you better than this guy can.
Alexander Wang
Robe Di Firenze
McQ by Alexander McQueen
I unfortunately don't have an answer for this, because I've been going through the same thing on and off lately!
1I dont think there is anything wrong with not having sex when you are stressed out, you prolly have other things on your mind.
I hate to be the old 'go to a couples counselor' but I think it would be good for both of you to just talk. The two of you need to work on your relationship before its too late, of course if that is what you want.
Good luck!
2yeah,you should exploit yourself first, i think this will make you morereceptive to having sex. Truth is if your boyfriend who you claim to love so much,does'nt get satisfaction from you he might start looking somewhere else.
3I used to have that problem for years. You see i was 12 my husband 15 when we met, I was 20 when we got married. I wasn't really into sex. I liked foreplay but the actual sexual act, i didn't. Then we started watching porn together and i started to read erotic stories. We have never been intimate with anyone else, so we didn't actually know what we were doing. Now the sex are great better than ever and after 2 children i'm the horny one. We can't get enough of each other. Stress also used to be a problem until i decided i'm going to use sex as a outlet, like exercises. Go get a nice erotic story and see what happens.
4Some people just don't need that much sex and if your drives truly are totally incompatible it would make sense to break up and look for a partner whose drive is closer to yours. (Though I warn you, given your age, it might be a bit easier said than done - most guys are at the peak of their drive in their teens and 20's.)
However, it also sounds like he's pressuring/guilt-tripping you into sex (a good way to turn anyone off, even if you do ordinarily enjoy it) without really working to make it any more enjoyable for you. Before giving up on the relationship entirely, try talking with him about what will help you enjoy it more, experiment with positions and foreplay, and generally try to put the fun back in fornication. If necessary, take some "self" time and experiment with masturbation (with or without toys, erotica, or other aids) first to figure out what you like. "Know thyself" is the first rule of good sex and a lot of other things too.
5Stress has a lot to do with sex drive. If you have a lot going on in your life, you probably don't have a lot of time to go home in the evening and completely relax before you have to go to bed and get up for work again in the morning. What would be nice is if you could get away for a week or so or even a long weekend to try to relax and be most comfortable with your man.
6Another sex drive inhibitor could be your birth control. Sometimes if it has too much estrogen it could hamper your drive.
Having a long distance relationship doesnt allow for a real relationship to even start, you are both in a constant state of "getting used" to eachother every time you meet, First sex is one thing, and sex for the sake of "we dont have much time" is another, that would turn me off also. I would end it, for your sanity and for his, if he is a "sexual" person and isnt getting any, i guarantee its only a matter of time before he goes to find it from someone else.
7I have been with my boyfriend for three years and he was my first and I was his first too. One great thing about my boyfriend is that he is very understanding. I went through the same thing, where I didn't want to have sex beacuse I wasn't in the mood and I didn't really like sex. At that time I was also going through a lot of stress. We talked about it and to my suprise he told me that he understands my body is under a lot of stress physically and meantlly. He told me that I needed to forget about the stress and engaged with me in other activities like playing soccer, going for a walk, watching movies...Now our sex life is great, and it turns out I want it more than he does at times. His reaction and his understanding attracted me more to him even sexually. I also think your problem has to do with the lack of experience. The first year I hated having sex, but as we got to know each others' bodies and found out what we liked I found it more enjoyable.
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