Wow. I was one of the pop sugar goddesses who thought the writeer would be totalyl flogged. but i see e jeans point. not that i think the affairs ok....

this guy obviously has no problem cheating on his wife so what would hold him back from cheating on her if they were together...

e jean is correct. 9 times out of 10 the cheating husband doesn't leave the wife for the mistress

I think e.jean is right too...

It's very true, i have a friend who went through this. She wasn't married, but the man was. He ended up leaving his wife for her, but i know that doesn't happen very often. She says that the passion and intensity of the relationship has definately faded now that they have a "Normal" relationship. But i believe that happens in all cases. They had all this fire and intensity simply because it was forbidden. Now that it's not, all they have is love, and if you have enough of that, it can work.

How selfish are you...

Just think of your poor kids and how much a divorce and a new man would tear them up. I pray those kids have a somewhat stable home.

Women like you are why marriage isnt as sacred as it once used to be.

Wow I agree and disagree. I agree because i do believe in being happy but I disagree because i don't believe in affairs be honest with your husband and your lover let them make the choice don't make it for them. I'm sure if your husband knew of the situation he might not want to stay around..

I agree with you NdHebert till death do us part...

I agree with being happy, but I DONT believe in letting a man have his cake and eat it too. So while this woman is struggling, in love, he gets the best of both worlds, while she suffers. I say, dont let any man live the Pigs Dream of having his harem of women to choose from. People get married for a reason, and you're a wh*re at best, if you choose to ignore your bed buddy's marital status. If he cant have respect for his vows, YOU should. AND you should have respect for your own no matter WHAT the situation--if you're not in love and ready for a commitment THEN DONT GET MARRIED. CHILDREN are a POOR excuse for getting married--you didnt HAVE to be a single mom, you DIDNT use a condom or you DECIDED to get knocked up. You can still make their father have a part in their, and your, life without having to feel you needed to get married. Thats the kind of thinking that sets women BACK a few decades!!!

I agree with being happy, but I DONT believe in letting a man have his cake and eat it too. So while this woman is struggling, in love, he gets the best of both worlds, while she suffers. I say, dont let any man live the Pigs Dream of having his harem of women to choose from. People get married for a reason, and you're a wh*re at best, if you choose to ignore your bed buddy's marital status. If he cant have respect for his vows, YOU should. AND you should have respect for your own no matter WHAT the situation--if you're not in love and ready for a commitment THEN DONT GET MARRIED. CHILDREN are a POOR excuse for getting married--you didnt HAVE to be a single mom, you DIDNT use a condom or you DECIDED to get knocked up. You can still make their father have a part in their, and your, life without having to feel you needed to get married. Thats the kind of thinking that sets women BACK a few decades!!!

Such a tough topic- with such a different answer...interesting.

I think you are so in love with him because it is forbidden, and because you don't see him that often. If he was living in your house as your husband, things might be very different. Regardless, I don't think that you should continue this without telling your significant others. That is truly selfish. Tell them, and let them move on to find somebody who really truly loves them - they deserve that.

You need to be a responsible adult. You love someone other than your husbad. Leave your husband. Every day you had.. and continue to have an affair you are disrespecting your husband and your kids. No matter what, love or not, it doesn't make it right in the way you are going about it. This amazing guy, is amazing because you aren't living with him every day cleaning up after him and dealing with him. If you were, it wouldn't be so glamorous after a while. His poor wife is being disrespected just as much as your husband. Not that I would wish it on you (and I'm not) but if you ever found out that your husband was cheating on you maybe you would understand how WRONG what you're doing is. Don't leave him in the dark looking stupid, just leave him and let him go on with his life and be happy with a chance to meet someone else that maybe he can share it with. Maybe your husband is lonely too considering you feel you are just in the marriage to not be a single mom you probably don't have that great of a marriage and he may feel the same way and is keeping quiet as to not hurt YOU.

I've always been a big believer in the Golden Rule. I just don't do things I wouldn't want other people doing to me. And pretty much the only thing I can think of that would be worse than having my spouse leave me for another person would be to have my spouse keep me around for convenience while deceiving me and being totally in love with another person. Some people argue, "Well, if you never found out about it, it wouldn't bother you," but a) the odds are good that I would find out about it at some point, and b) I think that's a really poor excuse to justify dishonesty, or any other kind of misbehavior. If your conscience can handle short-changing your husband like this, then keep going, but I don't really think you're being fair to him, or to your children, in the long run. If your integrity is something you value, I'd say divorce your husband whether you continue your affair or not, because you clearly don't love him.

This is a subject that no one should really ask advice for.... because..you already know that it is wrong and that it shouldn't be happening. Do you think that we will all say that it's totally ok...go ahead...keep making your life miserable and everyone else around you? Even though E.Jean's response was to keep having the affair..because you are in love...weren't you in love with your husband when you got married? I am not going to sit here and bash you...but don't you think that if you and this other man got together...that those amazing encounters are going to come to an end because you are with each other every single day. It's exciting and amazing because you don't see each other...and you always want you can't have. You even mentioned that his relationship w/his wife seems solid. Right there..is a red flag dear. Walk away from this "relationship" .You probably know deep down inside that it isn't going anywhere...and never will. It will be hard to forget him...but it will be better off in the long run...for you...your husband...your kids and him.

I find it funny that you said you're only in your marriage because you don't want to be a single mother. You didn't even mention you didn't want to devastate your children and shatter their sense of security. Also you just nonchalantly said a "couple kids". It seems you're infatuated with this man and have forgotten all about your real family. Don't forget these are the people who want to be with you. Don't ruin all of this for a cheating, lying man who doesn't even want to have you as his. Grow up.

I don't believe in happiness at someone else's expense. You're not the be all and end all. If love should be something special, don't lower it by being someone's on the side piece. After all, you're being treated as you're allowing yourself to be treated.

And like she says, that fire, passion and everything else does fade because right now, it is just a fantasy. It's not a reality so you don't have to deal w/ everyday pressures with him. Most likely he isn't leaving her...just be prepared.

::Rolls Eyes::

How many of these post do we see every month? Two married people, having an affair, one of the affair partakers doesn't want to leave their marriage and yet the other one wants more.

You don't love your husband? The simple solution is to get a divorce and try to workout a new life for yourself. Let this guy decide what he wants to do about his marriage but first things first, You are a mother with children. If you don't think these children will be resentful if they find out about this man your kidding yourself. Hold off on bringing him into the picture for awhile and just start with yourself.

If he doesn't leave his wife, oh well. Move on and find someone else. Never be afraid of not having a man.

This isn't about being a person who can "challenge the conventions" or "keep it quiet." It's about a woman who is direspecting herself and those around her.

If she is truly in love with the guy, then she should make the choice to be with him. But that means ending her marriage. And making sure her "boyfriend" ends his as well. I completely believe in happiness, but not at the expense of others.

And are we sure this woman is truly in love with this guy? Or is she in love with the danger and excitement of doing something taboo? I lean toward the idea that she is in love with an idea.

I am the shattered wife trying to put her marriage back together, unaware that she was being made a fool of, thinking she was living a decent, if not exciting life. Certainly, my husband was largely to blame for this situation, but how dare the writer pretend to be a good mother to her children when she is lying to both their father and them. What kind of example is she setting? Would she want that for her daughter some day?

As a woman, is she one of those who will step on any other woman to get what she wants? My husband was sleeping with a business associate who was helping him acquire large contracts. Did she really believe that he loved her when she had the ability to shovel dollars into his wallet? Did she not think about how, as a woman in the business world, being trusted for our abilities is difficult enough? When women sleep with bosses, clients, or suppliers, they discredit all the real work they've done--making all women look bad. All for someone stroking their back and telling them how fabulous they are. I suggest she find that positive reinforcement inside herself instead of looking for it to be fulfilled by someone else's husband...I can suggest some good therapists.

Oh yeah,

I also agree with the golden rule of "Don't do things you wouldn't want other people doing to you," and believe me, he's cheating on his wife right now. I wouldn't go thinking your so special that he won't do it to you.

Good Lord! The Judgement and harsh words everyone has on here! I'm amazed at most of you. I think that you only live once and while I do believe that true love is a fantasy, whynot aim for it anyway? Who is to say that she is a bad mother? What MAKES a good mother? Telling your kids the truth all the time? Sacrificing your happiness for your children? Most of the time the kids are not happy if the mom is not happy. At least that is how it was when my parents divorced. I am a well adjusted perfectly content person who thinks that, yes, she is selfish for giving into temptation but that doesn't make her a bad person who deserves all of this negativity. Do all of you apply the Golden Rule ALL of the time? I doubt it.

Calling someone "well adjusted" is just as judgmental as saying it's okay to sleep with someone else's husband. Completely subjective.

And by the way, happiness is a state of being that comes and goes...self-love comes from within, and someone who is sleeping with other people's spouses to get their positive strokes, while not being honest even with herself, probably does not have a lot of self-love--judgmental or not. Happy when he calls her, sad when he doesn't.

Eff that. You can't have your cake and eat it too. If this were a man we would say it's totally disgusting, but because it's a woman it's okay to have an ongoing affair when you have a family? NOT okay. If you love the man, ask him if there will ever be anything to come out of it, if not, suck it up and be attentive to your own family. I'm sorry I have no pity for these kinds of situations. And in no way am I saying that you are a bad mother, but please, come on. Just because you don't want to be a "single mother". No. Do you see how horribly selfish that is? You're in the wrong, and you won't break it off because poor little you doesn't want all of the responsibilities yourself? This is ridiculous! You need to do some serious soul searching and reevaluate your life, please.

I too am sick of this topic. I do, however, appreciate a new, somewhat "fresher" take on the response. Not that I agree

"The sex, the bliss, the passion, the pain, the craziness, the longing and the lust will not last. They always fade. Always."

No lie, E. Jean is SO right.

I agree with amybdk and think that some people shouldn't read more into the two paragraphs posted than is acutally there. We don't know the entire situation and we never will. Don't assume you know this woman or that her emotions aren't real. In fact, I like what Ryan Gosling had to say on popsugar.

this is stupid and selfish in my opinion. "love" him all you want. keep it up if you want. but at least have the decency to tell your husband the truth and let him make an informed decision about being with a liar and someone who is putting his sexual health at risk. ugh.

I cannot beleive how many people are supporting you!! this is a selfish decision and you are single-handedly ruining your life and your family's if you continue this.....(actually you have done enough damage already). This guy probably has 3 other mistresses on the side. He'll cheat on you in the future just he's cheating on his wife. Get out. Get a divorce and focus on your children that you claim to 'love'.

ErieIndiana: I hope you never have children. The very FOUNDATION of being a good parent is sacrificing your OWN selfish needs for those of your children.

Thank you citizenkane

She's an idiot. He'll never leave his wife, and he isn't even entertaining the possibility of leaving his wife. Simple as that.

And, being selfish aside, does she SOUND happy right now? Not so much...so who is benefiting from this situation (besides the married man getting no-strings hotel sex)?

If you want to continue on with the affair, by all means go do so, but why are you whining about it?

With this affair, there's always those consequences: the suffering of the separation, the possibility that he won't ever leave his family to be with you (big possibility at that if he's not even talking about leaving), and so on. If you're going to do it, then I suppose you should swallow all the drama that comes with having an affair.

Believe it or not, if this is an ongoing affair, most likely, you'll be found out sooner or later, then it'll be all hell break loose in your household. I'm not saying you're a bad mother, but I'm pretty sure it'll break your children's hearts as well to learn the real reason their parents' marriage break up in the end. So get ready to deal with it too.

My suggestion is to suck it up since you've made the decision to continue on with the affair. And also, make sure you get prepared (with your finances and with how your family and friends will react) because you may end up a single mother too when your spouse finds out about it.

I agree with E.Jean's response that all passion/amazing encounters or whatnot will always subside. Always.

P.S. I sure hope you're having safe sex, it's really unfair for your husband since his health is being compromised here, plus your lover's wife too.

ErieIndiana, I totally agree with you, while it is a selfish move on this womans part to give into this temptation while there are better ways at going about it (ie: divorce)
We are in no position to make judgements on whether or not this woman is a good mother or a good person. We only live once and while I believe that having children requires selflessness to a POINT, you should never sacrifice your own wellbeing and happiness for the sake of ANYONE else. I think her children would be happier in the long run if mom is happier. We tend to think of these situations as being so black and white, right and wrong, there are grey areas in almost every situation.
As for you CitizenKane, I think it was horribly rude of you to say that you hope that ErieIndiana doesn't ever have children and it actually speaks volumes about the type of person that you are, and perhaps that you are the person who shouldn't be having children. Normally I would never ever say something so hateful to someone, but I thought it was fitting in this case.

i call BS. e. jean, i love your advice column, but i feel that you are simply giving this advice for the sake of giving different advice.

lady, you are an absolute nut. i don't give a crap if you're in your 30s and you "know" that you're really and truly in love. you're also a cheater and a liar. sure, in the beginning, we're all free to love whomever we want. but when we VOLUNTARILY give up that right by virtue of marriage, you don't just get to reclaim it because you want to. totally pathetic and lame and i hope you remember that what goes around, comes around.

and call me judgemental and harsh. hello, this person is writing into an advice column. she's asking for people to weigh in on her actions, and i think that they stink!

Thanks ErieIndiana!

I don't think anyone is suggesting that her feelings aren't real.

But you have to realize, as her feelings are very real, so are EVERYONE else's that are involved. AND the people who are involved at this point tend to be the most vulnerable just for the fact that they are being deceived and put completely in the dark with something that will have a HUGE effect on them. Even if her husband KNOWS that things between them aren't good (which I am sure he is aware of) doesn't mean that it's a free-for-all. She made a commitment to him and her family she needs to stay committed and be a woman and deal with her home situation before she worries about what some OTHER woman's man is going decided to do. He is in the wrong, BUT he didn't make a commitment to her........he has a WIFE.

Do women tend to leave ,arriages for their affair?
Whats the stats on that?

marriages*

I agree with E. Jean about people having a right to be happy and a right to challenge conventions, absolutely go for it! But I think there is a line, I think that people have a right to be happy and do whatever they want, only as long as they are not hurting other people, and in this case the husband and children are being or will be very hurt, so I think the writer is being selfish about not caring for her family. Get a divorce if you are not happy, but don't mess up your family like this. Leave your husband in a civilized and respectful way that will be better for everyone involved, so then you minimize the hurt your family will feel as much as you can, and then you can go do what you want to be happy.

I'm sorry...but this topic kinda makes me mad. I dont like people who cheat. Sorry for those(like this poster) who are for it...but im not into that kinda thing. I dont care if "you have one life to live...so live it well" and all that.I think its rather selfish and stuff that this chick had the nerve to ask for help on her affair. what is up with that? Why the heck are you even married? You have a loving husband and kids at home..but instead of focusing on them...you rather focus on why the guy you are cheating with wont be with you FOREVER? Its just selfish...and im sorry...but face the facts...once your husband finds out about your affair...he will leave you and you will be a single mother anyways! Pshh..there are people who are single wanting to be in a relationship...but then you have people who are in relationships/or married complaining about how they dont like the way their affairs are going? >_<</p> 43

"Mental strength" and "moral vigor" being used to describe keeping up an affair is pretty hilarious, I must say. Let's not pretend she's some kind of original, society-defying hero.

The poster's situation is impossibly commonplace and impossibly boring. Only she doesn't see it that way because she's caught in the throes of romance-novel passion.

I feel sorry for everyone involved in this situation, including the woman who posted.

While I appreciate the diversity of comments and I am always curious about the range of opinions on DearSugar I find CitizenKane's and PumpkinSugar70's comments to be entirely offensive. You both do not know me, nor do you know the woman who wrote the original entry. How dare you tell me that I should not have children? How do you know that I don't have children already? It is posters like you who make me want to stop reading DearSugar because of your lack of open-mindedness and complete lack of respect to the commenters on this website.

I read DearSugar for the sole reason that I like to hear other's opinions. Like a few who have commented on here before, I agree that there is no such thing as right or wrong. Everything is grey. It is up to the person to decide what is right or wrong for THEM. Not YOU, not your Husband, Not your children but YOU. If you can't believe in your own choices then how can you expect someone else to? That is what I thought the post was about in the first place - the woman is trying to decide for HERSELF which side of the grey her situation is more on.

Just because something doesn't fit into your "moral box" doesn't make it wrong. My concern is for the emotional well being of the writer. She is walking a danger path with herself. If this man were as in love with her as she is with him, then it wouldn't be a moment before he would be with her. If you have met your soul mate you owe it to yourself, your children and your spouse to follow your heart. Otherwise, there will be many years to come of unhappiness and that is no better than a "broken" home. I hope the writer finds what she is looking for. I suggest taking a step back and avoiding contact for a while to see if what she is feeling is love or the passion that comes from the chase. BTW: Stop judging people because they do not fit what you think is right or wrong. The sanctity of marriage broke down when people started competing on TV and drive through chapels married people to drunk to object not because a married woman fell in love.

And what about HIS family??????

AND the fact shes only using her husband so shes not a single parent??

IMAGINE the pain her husband would feel, the pain his family would feel if they found out.. imagine the example it sets for her kids.

Im sorry, but for the betrayel and selfish heart she has..i hope she ends up alone. I wish she would wake up from her loveydovey affair shes so absorbed in. Nasty selfish peice of work.. truly disgusting.

thank you popgoestheworld! hahaha- you hit the nail right on the head.

the woman who wrote in is unfortunately blinded by her lustfull affair.

i feel especially sorry for her children and her husband. even though she may not feel anything for her husband anymore, i think the guy still deserves some respect. he's a person, after all.

I have no sympathy for cheaters...and "love" when you are in a secret affair, that makes all your senses go wild...is not really love...it could be infatuation, lust...horniness...you name it...the thrill of the moment.

by draggin this for months...all i can say is that the poster is freakin' SELFISH! If you want out of the marriage GET OUT! grow up...and start paying for your own stuff...if is hard...get the other dude...who has a wonderful family life pay for it...cause at least you love HIM!

Is it just me...or a we wasting E.Jean's advice with the same sort of questions over and over???? I mean...I cheated on my husband and I love the other guy...is getting boring....

ErieIndiana--
I can tell you firsthand what it is like to have a cheating woman's husband come to the front door of my home and in front of my children, 15, 6, 3, and 1, announce that his wife was sleeping with my husband. Excuse me for having strong opinions on this subject, but the woman with the moral dilemma is not the only person affected here. Judge me all you want, I have had to pick up the pieces for my children, about whom the affair partner was indifferent. Her bad choice, just like the bad choice of my husband, was wrong. Divorce before affair; not the other way around. I'm no churchgoer, but I do believe in the greater good, and fewer people are hurt when affairs are between single people. Both become single, then do whatever you like.