Dear Sugar,
I have been in a "friends with benefits" relationship with this guy for a year now, but lately he's been acting differently and I think he may be sleeping with other women. I asked him about it and he said he has slept with other women but it hasn't been recent.
I don't believe him, because recently I've found evidence of other women being at his place (another woman's hair on the bathroom floor, another woman's business card on his living room floor, and a condom wrapper in the trashcan, which he claims was used by his cousin who came to visit him).
I can't help but feel angry and betrayed. I feel it was a very selfish thing for him to do and also that he put not only his but also my health at risk. He says he doesn't want things to end, but I'm not sure if I can ever be with him again. I do want to be with him, but I don't want him to think it's OK to sleep with other women while he's sleeping with me. It's just too risky. I desperately need some advice. What should I do?
—Feeling Betrayed and Angry Amanda
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Feeling Betrayed and Angry Amanda,
I'm sorry to break this to you, but a "friends with benefits" relationship does not mean it is monogamous unless you both agree on that ahead of time. I would be upset if the guy I was sleeping with was sleeping around too, but you really don't have the right to be angry with him since you never made your expectations clear from the start.
Having a friend that you fool around with is just that, and nothing more. It sounds like you're ready for this this guy to be your exclusive so you've got to tell him that. Since he still wants to be with you, you need to discuss some rules about how you want your new relationship to be so neither of you end up angry or hurt. Tell him you don't want him dating or sleeping with anyone else but you, and that you will do the same. Tell him that before you have sex again, you should both get tested for all STIs, to make sure you're both healthy. Lay down whatever other rules you want, and I'm sure he'll have a few to add himself. If he likes this new arrangement, then it looks like you've found yourself a boyfriend.
V.I.K
Butterfly
Meltin Pot
The problem in your mind is that you concider this friends with benefits as a relationship.. Where I bet he doesn't
Therefore he doesn't feel he's doing anything wrong and doesn't want to tell you because you'll get all freaky about it
This is your own fault for choosing a friends with benefits (which equates to..I like you enough to f*ck you, but not enough to be with you) rather then a healthy committed relationship which seems to be what you want..
So put on your big girl pants and walk away.. and next time realize you are worth it to actually have a real relationship
1Word, DearSugar. Word.
2WHy are you upset? You state yourself that it is just a friends with benefits situation. That means the two of you are not exclusive to each other. You have 2 choices. You can talk to him about whether he'd like to advance the relationship to an exclusive one, or you can get over it and continue to use each other for sex only. Everyone knows that "friends with benefits" means "continuous booty call." Apparently, you used accepted a phrase that you didn't grasp the concept of.
3you should not have engaged in this arrangement if you werent clear on what "friends with benefits" was. you do not have the right to be angry.. or even question him on what he's been doing. you two are friends. that happen to have sex. accept this, tell him you want more, or end it. those are your only options.
4Friends with benefits doesn't come with a commitment. I'd reevaulate whether you want a real relationship, b/c it sounds like that's what you thought this was.
5i have to agree- friends with benefits does constitute exactly that- someone you sleep with from time to time! while i can appreciate your concern for your health, that is a good thing, you can't expect someone you are not in a monogamous relationship with to well... be monogamous! if you want to be with him you are going to have to get over it- but you are going to have to talk to him and make sure he's ready to be your boyfriend. because if he's not, then this will happen again, and since you can't handle it- i suggest you stop being friends with benefits and just start being friends!
6I agree with everyone else on this. You made the choice, yet it doesn't sound like you really understood what it meant. This is why I voted that these things can't work. Someone gets hurt or offended and now you've potentially lost both a friend, and a FWB. Evaluate what you really thought you were getting from this, what you want from this and have a chat with this guy. You two obviously have a lot to talk about. He may not be even remotely on the same page as you, and therefore not understand why you are freaking out. Sounds a little like he wants to keep up the sex, but doesn't want the drama he knows is coming and so placated you with answers to your questions that both of you know are not fully true.
7Wow, this is the first time that I've seen everyone on the same page when it comes to giving advice. And I will top it off by saying that I completely agree with DearSugar and the rest here. You should have known what a "friends with bennies" relationship entailed when you started it.
8I totally agree with everyone. When you began your "friends with benefits" relationship, you should constantly keep your emotions out of it. It's a physical relationship, and nothing more. The less you know about him, the better you'll feel and won't get too clingy.
The fact that he won't confess either is annoying, and it's probably best to end your situation with him before you get any more attached to him.
9Even though I agree with everyone, that's a terrible feeling and I'm so sorry. /: This is why I always avoid the whole friends with benefits situation. Things always get messy...
Best of luck to you!
10Ditto on everyones advice - I think she used the "friends with benefits" as an "in" since she didn't feel like she could get a fully committed relationship. Walk away my friend, walk away.
11At least you saw a condom wrapper....
12I'm curious what you thought FwB meant?? Unless you both agreed from the beginning it would be an exclusive arrangement you've no right to be angry with him for having sex with other women.
13You cannot be too hard on him if your agreement was never meant to be exclusive as he hasnt actually 'cheated' on you.
14My advice is the same as the majority. You can talk to him and see whether he wants to progress your friendship to a relationship, whether you are going to keep it as 'friends with
benefits' or whether you should just become friends.
Do GET TESTED though and encourage him too (before considering keeping up your arrangement).
Frineds with benefits...does not equal relationship...either stop it...or get tested regularly...why put yourself thru all this trouble tho????? why????
15Girl, your problem is that you wanted a relationship. He wanted a F*ckbuddy. You settled. You compromised what you wanted. Now you're paying for it. It sucks but it's true. Nobody can protect yourself like YOU. I was way too old when I figured out how to respect myself enough to ask for what I really wanted. If you want a relationship with someone, hold out for that. Don't put up with being someone's toy,
16Wow! You open yourself(no pun intended) to stritcly a sexual relationship with someone and then complain when the guy doesn't respect you in the morning? And don't even bother trying to make him your boyfriend, i reckon if he wanted to be that, he'd be yours already. Don't like the situation, get out of it and find something that suits your needs.
17He isn't putting you at risk, YOU are putting you at risk.
18You need to move on. Clearly, you are considering the arrangement you have with this guy a "relationship"-but the whole point of friends with benefits is that it isn't a relationship. It doesn't seem that you can be involved with a guy purely for sex, so you should find a guy who is interested in a relationship with you. The sooner you get out of this, the sooner you can open yourself up to finding a real relationship.
19Don't fool yourself. He is not your boyfriend, put it bluntly, he is just your f**k buddy. That certainly doesn't include the promise that he can only have you as his sex partner, and vice versa. I think you need to think about what you want, and move on. I agree with pink_mag, you need to find a proper real relationship if that's what you want.
20No debate here. Friends with bennies does not a relationship make. At least he has been using condoms... What about you? Do you insist he wear a condom with you. Time to put on the big girl panties and take responsibility for your actions.
21Honestly, DearSugar and the girls above me are right.
Friends with benefits means SOMEONE will get the short end of the stick.
It sounds like you are treating this more like a relationship than what HE thinks it is. You want to be his one and only but that doesn’t really fall into the ‘FWB’ stereotype.
If you wish to continue this ‘relationship’, then continue to use protection at all time and get tested on a regular basis. If you feel that he should be only sleeping with you, then you need to tell him that you want to move the relationship into a monogamous/serious relationship. If he doesn’t want to move to the next step, then maybe it is time for you to move on.
22I agree with Dear and every one else on this one. You either make him your boyfriend or loose the benefits part of your friendship. Cut and Dry.
23friends with benefits = non exclusive
relationship = exclusive
done.
24Dont be easy, and expect to be respected in return.
25Dont be easy, and expect to be respected in return.
26I wouldn't get your hopes up that he will be receptive to a monogamous relationship. If he wanted one, he probably wouldn't be sleeping around with other women.
27ugh, this is wht fwb NEVER works out. someone always expects more, and gets hurt. i think we all go through it at some point, and its never easy.
28Not to be rude, but check you out thinking you deserve more than just a quick stick. Dude, friends with benefits means NO STRINGS ATTACHED SEX.
If you cant play the grownup games, then you should quit while youre ahead.
You have no say in who he gets to sleep with, and if you feel that HIS behavior is risky, then take control of the situation and remove yourself from it.
Seems like common sense to me.
29i'm really sorry you're going through this, but i think the best thing to do right now is walk away. you obviously don't feel like he's trustworthy, so even if you do turn this into an official bf/gf relationship i think trust will continue to be an issue. as a fortune cookie once told me "better caution first than tears later."
30I hate to say it, but you aren't IN a "relationship" with this guy now and you have not been for the past year.
you are his friend that he sleeps with. that's it.
sadly, EVERY fwb senario that i have ever witnessed (including both personal and friends' experiences) has resulted in at least one of the people getting hurt.
unless you talk to him and explain that you have developed feelings for him, he is not going know or treat you any better. and even when you do tell him, you need to prepare yourself for the not so unlikely possibility that he is STILL not going to want to be "tied down" and that he has no plans of ever being monogomous with you.
if that's the case, don't you realize that you deserve better than this? it's not all about him. you deserve to be treated with respect and love, not like a conveient "roll in the hay".
31hahahaha this cracked me up. pretty sure friends with benefits doesn't mean being exlusive...if that were the case, you'd be in a relationship. selfish little thing!
32OH I have a story bout a guy who asked me that...so I knew this guy got to talking to him, he seemed cool then he asked me out so I said yea. Well after we were going out for maybe a month this guy started telling me that he worships the devil and he was possesed at one time? Hummm yea that kinda scared me well then the next day he told me he use to cut himself and he makes himself throw up to loose weight...Gross. So I broke it off with that guy he just creeped me out, I never did anything with him like kiss or make out only hugged....I'm glad thats all I did. So after I broke up with him the next day he asked why I did then he said how bout we just be friends with benefits??? What? Hell NO Buddy You Are Outa Your Mind...You Crasy Mother f*cker. lol He just wanted to have sex with me what a dog!!!
33Crazy is spelled with a Z,beautiful1nes.
And, its insensitive to joke about people who might cut themselves or suffer from anorexia.
I call bad form, but thats just my .02
34i agree with everyone above me...first u guys both risk your health by doing the "friends with benfits: thing..its not healthy unless of course you are prepared for the consqeunces like dissappointed stds, etc. and you guys are not exclusive so..what is your right to be angry with him?...at the end of the day its all about honesty.
35
..i mean dissappoinment and stds...my bad once again.
36its really unfair to expect a 'friend with benefits' to be completely faithful. you're clearly more emotionally involved with him, and you probably thought that sleeping with him meant he felt the same way about you. it sucks that he was dishonest, but you should have seen it coming. if you're not in a relationship, its fair game.
37In my opinion exclusive "friends with benefits" is basically a relationship anyway... Are you really sure that you're applying the right title to what you want from this man?
38you shouldn't be mad i mean it's a "friend with benefits" relationship, it's not like ya'll are going out. if ya'll we're going out then it would be a whole diffrent story.
39Friends with benefits means exactly that--aka NOT exclusive. Regardless, it seems you can't handle it, whether it be concerns for your health, being too attached or just not one to like sharing, and for that reason, you should stop sleeping with him. You're only gonna end up feeling more betrayed and hurt then you already are.
40Don't take this the wrong way, but he is sleeping with somebody else. Of course he doesn't want it to stop, he is getting the milk for free, and it has been going on for a year. At what point do you speak on your true feelings. He really doesn't owe you anything, because you are not his girl. And if you feel like he is lying already, what would he do if you were really together. Now you have feelings involved and it will only get harder as time passes. You need to let it go now before your feelings are really hurt, if they are aren't already. I know, been there, done that. I was done before a year, I don't know how you let yourself stay so long.
41So let's make this clear - it started out as a friends-with-benefits situation. Then somewhere along the line, you changed your mind about what you wanted but you forgot to send him the memo. And who's fault do you think this is?
I'm sorry to tell you this, but it's over. The whole shabang. Obviously you're no longer content to be his bootycall and there was never a relationship in the first place, so if you take sex out of the equation you've got nuthin.
There's nothing wrong with wanting out of the arrangement because you're ready for a committed relationship, just don't try to lay the blame on him.
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