You should definitely end it, because if it continues, there is probably no way that this WON'T end badly.

There's something to be said about men who cheat: if they cheat on their spouse/signifigant other with you, how can you be so sure that they won't do the same to you?

"This man might say he loves you, but it's pretty clear he loves himself a whole lot more"
I agree with this, if he is not happy how is that helping the kids. So using them as a reason is not being honest.
When a guy loves you , he wants no other sees no other.
He is hurting you and his wife by wanting it all.

Even if he does divorce his wife, what makes you think he won't cheat on you?

I agree that you should end it if he doesn't make a commitment to you and you alone. But if you do end up breaking off the relationship, try to be diplomatic. It sounds like neither of you want this to blow up in your faces, and if you remind him of that (in a non-threatening way), hopefully you can continue to maintain a manager-employee relationship. Just be careful that he doesn't retaliate by making your work life miserable; that's against the law.

This is a crappy situation. I've been on your side of the fence with a guy who had a long-term girlfriend, so I think that I know how you feel. Besides disrespecting yourself on a regular basis, you are also disrespecting his wife and family.

By holding out for someone who isn't truly available, you are missing out on chances to be with men who are interested in being with you and only you. You don't get the quality dates, the public hand-holding, the meet-the-family nervousness, etc. You only get the seedy, second priority treatment. Ultimately you deserve much better.

The only way that you can have a quality relationship is if you get out and get away from your boss. That might mean getting a new job, but you deserve it. You deserve a safer working environment and you deserve a man who is physically and emotionally ALL yours.

Good luck!

p.s.
I totally agree with mizlynz; if he has a history of cheating, that pattern will continue even if you leaves his family for him. Break free with a clean slate!!

Take it from a person who has given ultimatums and not followed-through with them...the situation will NEVER go your way if you don't stick to your guns. If he's not leaving her, then there is a two-prong perspective here to you leaving him. First, if you don't leave him then you do yourself the injustice of not giving yourself the respect that you not only deserve, but that you NEED to give yourself. Once you've laid down the ultimatum and you don't follow-through with it, you become a woman of all talk and no action and that is NOT how you want it to play out.

Second way to look at this situation is that by leaving him, you will really get a better idea of how he truly feels about you. One of two things will happen. First, he still won't leave his wife and there you will have it--that you clearly were not important enough for him to buck up and be a man and leave her for. That's going to be important for you to have closure. Orrrr...second thing that could happen is that he actually will realize what you mean to him and this will encourage him to pull the plug on what seems to both of you to be a fizzling relationship--his marriage.

One other thing that is really important for you to remember, EVERY MARRIAGE goes through a rough patch of disconnection--some greater than others. He married her because he loved her at one point enough to commit his life to her. By leaving him, this will show you whether you were just a "meaningful" fling to him who he's willing to let go of OR whether he really does love you and will buck up and do what his heart is telling him to do. Either way you cut it, YOU HAVE TO LEAVE HIM AT THE END OF 6 MONTHS!

He is not going to leave his wife, this is such an old story I'm actually suprised anyone could possibly believe it. He is selfish and you are accepting less than you deserve. Make a clean break and count your wins here.

Chickie, you need to end it! It's very rare for a married man to leave his wife for the side dish! A guy will say anything to get you into bed and keep you there at his beck and call. Don't be so gullible as to believe that he will definitely end the relationship. Some men who are miserable stay married no matter what happens because they don't want to break up the family...only way to find out for sure, is to end the relationship and see what he does about it!

Sorry but I might project my values just a smidge here...

First, you seem perfectly fine with being a homewrecker.

Second, if he were a man he would have left his wife by now. Or he would have worked on making their relationship better via therapy - "for the kids."

Third, getting involved with your boss has got to be one of the biggest bonehead moves, even if he ISN'T married.

These situations almost never pan out - even if he does leave, you have a relationship that is built on betrayal and will most likely always have jealousy issues. His kids will reject you. The ex wife very well will use your infidelity to turn them against you. You will be talked about behind your back by everyone in the office. (If you're not already. Nice reputation to have.) His friend's wives will reject you. (He will likely lose friends over it.) His family will reject you. Your family won't be very proud.

I take it you've never been married before, because if you had been, you'd understand that what he is doing is the ultimate betrayal. It's also one of the most disrespectful things imaginable. I would NEVER want to be with a man who had cheated on his wife. There is NO excuse for it - either piss of get off the pot. If he's that unhappy then take steps to rectify it - either by fixing the relationship or exiting. It says volumes about his character. And yours, for that matter.

Can you say "having his cake and eating it"?

If it was me (and I would never encourage cheating) then I would out him to his wife and let HER decide what to do with his scheming, lying little ass.

Do you really want a man who will cheat without conscience and lie to his family?

Hell, NO!

Why would he change anything? He has the best of both worlds...the person who needs to make a change is you. You have to realize that this is not healthy for you, him, his wife or the kids. Leave him-let him make his decsion as to whether he is ready to leave his wife and kids for you. But just remember-he did it to them-he could do it to you. I do not understand why you made the choice to be with a married man-I mean look at all the lying, lack of respect and trust. Are those the qualities you look for in a man?

I say leave the guy. Like someone else has said, he will NEVER leave his wife for his mistress...He's too comfortable with the situation. I've noticed that everytime a women has a 'relationship' with a married man he says he'll leave his wife but that's just another reason for you to stay a bit longer.

Beside, you aren't happy...and you won't be if you stick around...He is not trustworthy for one bit...Honey, you deserve to have someone who will give you his WHOLE heart and who will care about YOU ONLY...No one deserves to be half assed sorry lol

He's hurting you and his wife and getting everything he wants. He's got what everyone on the outside sees as the perfect family life, and then he's got you on the side...and that's not going to change. Think of how many times you've heard about this situation, and remember, why would you help him cheat if he told you he had the perfect family life? People say they are in horrible relationships to justify their cheating. In my mind, there's no way to justify cheating. You should leave him.

In my opinion, he is pretending to "love" you in order to keep you hanging on. It seems like he is treating you as a piece of meat and not like a wonderful woman who deserves love and respect. If he truly respected women, he would not be cheating on his wife in the first place. You deserve to be with someone who is going to respect you and show you the love you are willing to show them. Being involved with this man is only going to hurt you in the end, as he always has someone to run back to. I'd say tell him that its over because you can't handle not being able to be the only woman in his life, and that you don't want this to hurt your work relationship, but you really can't deal with sharing him anymore. You need to take the driver's seat in this situation and stop giving him all the control.

I completely agree with blingbling and fluffyhelen. He is an ass, why would you want him ever??? even if he did leave his wife, which I highly doubt will ever happen... and you are a homewrecker, sorry to be mean, but the only people I feel sorry for in this situation are the wife and kids. They don't deserve this.

Agreed Muirnea...his family is innocent in this and they're the ones who are going to be the most hurt by both of your actions

It is so rare for a man to actually marry the woman he cheated on his wife with, so you have a lot of company in your misery. And as many other posters pointed out, once a cheater always a cheater, so even if you DID get him he'd most likely do the same thing to you.

So since you got involved with a married man AND that married man happens to be your boss, leave. Get another job as soon as possible and move on with your life. Everyone in this scenario deserves better except for him.

only you can make this decision, but you really don't sound happy with your life in this situation. it does not sound like this man will leave his family and you are only hurting yourself by staying with him and hoping for something that is not likely to happen.

i have been in a similar situation to this... the relationship developed to be very unhealthy for both me and the man. it was destroying my confidence, my own internal peace. i read a book that at the time really spoke to me in the situation i was in. i would recommend reading "the crimson petal and the white" by michel faber. it may not seem to apply to you or your situation when you start reading it but it taught me a lesson that i needed to hear at the time.

i wish you all the best and hope that you have the courage to make the decision that i think you know that you need to make.

If after 2 years he has not left his family he has no intention of ever leaving. Time for you to move on both personally and professionally!

Didn't you ever read 'Dear Abby' growing up? She had letters identical to this at least once a week and the outcome is the same every single time. If he hasn't left his wife for you yet, he never will, and if, by some miracle, he actually did, would you really want him? Most guys like him are serial cheaters and their second marriages tend to end in ugly divorces, just like their first marriages. He doesn't love you, he's using you, and if I were you, I'd get out as fast as I possibly could, and probably find another job, too, because not only are you sleeping with a married guy, you're sleeping with your BOSS, and that NEVER ends well for the underling. You deserve better than this.

Why don't girls look for guys that aren't taken! It's a pretty simple concept. Maybe you think you "love" him but there are plenty of others guys out there that you will love just as much who aren't married. I feel bad for the wife because she probably has no idea and it probably isn't a dead end relationship for her. Just for a second put yourself in her shoes and think to yourself "If I was her, How would I feel about being married to a man that is with someone else? how would it feel when he tells me?" this poor womans world is going to fall apart, along with her kids. Sometimes it's not all about you and what you want. I hate to say this but your what people would call a home wrecker. If this man was truly in a dead end relationship he would have left already, has he? no. You are most likely just a thrill to him that takes him away from his problems. He really should be trying to work it out with his wife instead of having some fling with a coworker. I think you better find a new job, and back off...

I also hate to bring this up but you pretty much wasted two precious years of your life that you could have spent finding real love with someone who isn't a sleaze bucket.

Oh and another thing - you don't know what it's like to have a "real" relationship with him - you've done nothing but sneak around so you haven't had the normal day-to-day interactions you'd have in a normal, healthy one. It's all forbidden and dangerous - which must be a lure for you.

AND...of COURSE he's going to tell you he's in a horrible marriage - tell you everything that's wrong with his wife, etc etc. He HAS to paint her to be a villain to justify his despicable behavior. But I bet if you were a fly on the wall you'd see that she's a perfectly normal person. How would you feel if you saw him with his wife and kids enjoying a family meal at a restaurant? And they were just like any other family? You'd probably feel like he'd lied and that you were an idiot.

yeah I agree with Muirnea - the only people I feel sorry for here are his wife and kids.

End it!You have no business with a married and its discusting!I have no pity for people who srew other womens husbands!

Wow, this tale is as old as time itself. How many times do women have to fall for the "we are in a dead-end relationship, I'm staying for the kids sake, but I do love you" gig, before we all realize it's a lie? Women have worked hard to have equal rights, voting, etc., but there are some that still buy these lines.

You are delusional to think that this man is going to give up the best of both worlds. You are JUST the mistress & easily replaceable. Even if he is in love with you, he's still an ass for starting an affair to begin with. If he did leave his wife & kids for you, what makes you think he wouldn't find another mistress? I hate to be so mean, but you would have no room to complain when it happens...and it will.

Dear & everyone else is right on the money. Skip the ultimatums. You need to stop this affair & find a new job.

Setting aside what an ass your boss is, why don't you put the focus on yourself for a minute? Don't you realize that you are 50% of the party that may be responsible for 1. causing heartache to another woman & 2. yanking the safety net out from under innocent children (divorce is all too common, but it does rock the world of any children involved). What you are participating in is wrong, no matter how much you think you love him. Do you really want to keep sneaking around? Don't you want a real relationship, one that you can be public with? How about children of your own?

Aside from contributing to the break up of a family, you are short-changing yourself of a real life.

Why don't you just start being the better person & end it?

Also, I wanted to tell you about a family member of mine. She got involved with a married man at work. In fact, the wife worked there as well. As it always happens, the wife found out, divorced him & moved herself & their kids back to their home state. Well, guess what? The husband followed (for the sake of the kids) & the family member went with him & brought her own child along. (This also contributed to the end of her marriage, which of course she was not happy in either.)

Long story short, he ended up kicking her & her child out. She had to come back home with her tail between her legs. Now, she is known as one of "those women"....a home-wrecker. Her child (he was a teenager) and her own mother have to accept that fact daily. I know people make mistakes & I love this woman dearly, but that thought will always be in my head. It's just so disappointing to know that she put her own selfish needs before both of their families. She will have to live with that mistake and label for the rest of her life.

An affair effects more people than the two involved. Please just do the right thing & end it. If you are still feeling selfish, think of how much better you will feel about yourself once you are in a REAL relationship....Isn't that what the real goal is here?

He is totally having his cake and eating it too! He is not going to leave his wife or he would have done it already. Please learn a lesson from this and if you feel that you must have an affair, don't do it with someone you work with because it will be difficult to end this affair without affecting your job, you may even have to find a new one.

As someone who has had to suffer a lot seeing my father not love my mother at all, I have to say (and this may be harsh) you are being selfish and a b*tch. Though I understand you are in love with this man and the reason you want him to leave his wife is because you want exclusivity and you have just as many feelings as she does, you know what you're doing is wrong. Not only is he married, but he is married with kids. I say end it, he is just going to play with you and trail you along and make you make a complete mess of your life. Also You should stop to think about The damage this does to his kids and to his wife and even if you turn out to be a "decent" stepmother they will never like you. You probably don't care about that now, but you will be ruining all these peoples lives.

I say end it, because even if he does leave her, what makes you think he's going to stick around with you. Can you not see just by the type of relationship you have how conniving he is, how unworthy he is? I find what you're doing disgusting and terrible,not just for the normal reasons, but because you are showing no self value in waiting around for this man. Understand that the circumstances aren't right and that he probably is not the saint you've made him up to be in your mind. I don't think you deserve a relationship like this, you should find someone better.

You are completely in love -- not him. End it and live to the end of your bargain.

From when Harry met Sally:

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Marie: I don't think he's every going to leave her.
Sally: I know he's never going to leave her.
Marie: You're right, you're right. I know you're right.

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you are not the first and not the last!

I'm going to tell you a true story.

My best friend was in the same situation as yours. I told her to end it, but she wouldn't budge. She's a lovely person, just a little naive/foolish. She met this guy (a volunteer firefighter, successful businessman, etc all in one--impressive background to all of us) at our church. Joined the choir with him. Then they 'fell in love' after he pursued her during a religious retreat.

She totally believed in their "love" and all, and of course he's promised of leaving then nothing was done. I remember even at one occasion, she overheard his wife talking to a friend of hers that her husband just sent her a bouquet of flowers. Everyone was cooing what a romantic guy! While both my friend and I knew that that romantic husband was having an affair with my friend! And yes, he told her his marriage was a dead end. Was long dead. Blabla. Of course..this didn't wake her up to leave.

So I kept on badgering her for years then something in her click and she wanted to 'prove a point' to herself and me (probably) by really getting him to pick her over his wife and children.

She finally set a deadline for him too, like you. Express the deadline. He promised he'd do something about it. He's just staying for his daughters..etc.

Of course nothing was done, so my friend wallowed in more misery for a few more months to come while he kept on coming over sneaking around, having a 'good time' with her, while she was miserable but still 'in love' therefore couldn't stop seeing him (or couldn't stop having sex with him..in fact, she'd drop a meeting with me if he came over to have sex with her).

So what happened?

She ended up getting pregnant by his child.

Instead of leaping with joy, he asked her to have an abortion. When she said she wouldn't, he BROKE IT OFF because he said that he couldn't leave his family.

He wouldn't even admit that there's a possibility that my friend was pregnant with his baby and tried to deflect blame on her (because after all, she's a 'home wrecker' so EVEN in his eyes, she probably slept around). Oh, how he's bluffing.

When she wanted to prove to him that it's his, and was willing to take paternity test, and bring the whole thing to the open then he became scared and promised to give her enough money monthly to support both her and the baby as long as she didn't tell his family (his wife and kids).

So yeah, until this day, that man has NEVER touched, hold or even addressed the little girl (she just enters pre-k this year). She still had bitter feeling everytime she saw one of her lover's daughters cooing over her little daughter knowing that they're half-sisters.

My friend had a rude awakening and FINALLY realized that he NEVER really loved her the way she wanted to be loved.

She's a single mom but she's okay with it, but of course, it was a really hard time for her, I was there.

I suppose, my advice is to NOT go that way. Get out while you can, don't wait until you get pregnant or anything by him.
Believe me, he'll most likely choose his family over you. Because this is way too common of a story. Your post also kind of convinces me of that. It's too similar to my friend's. He claimed love, utter devotion to her, but when push comes to shove, he left.

I know. You think you're 'special.' Believe me, you're part of the statistic.

And by miracle, if he actually left his family, you'll have a problem because
1) He's probably going to cheat on you
2) He still has to co-parent, so good luck having that baggage of being a so-called step-mom, with the kids whom are going to blame you for the deterioration of their parents' marriage.
Oh they'll know too.

I agree with the other posters, they all have great point.

-----
As for my friend:

Oh she has a pretty good life now though. She finally meet a guy who loves her very much. This is after a few months of the birth of her child, she's getting over her heartbreak and he came and practically swept her off her feet.

They got engaged last year. He's adopting the little girl.

So yeah. Things can get better, but you'd better leave him when you're still 'good.' You can meet other available men too, y'know.

Sweetheart please realize that you are worth more than to be a person on the side. Recognize that you are beautiful, hard working, very loving woman, who deserves a man who is sexy, compassionate, and loving to you and only you.
I had a friend in your situation, and after everything was said and done she was the bad guy not him. And he just kept living life like nothing happened as her name was disrespected. Let me tell you he's not staying in it for the kids. He's staying because he is comfortable, and doesn't want to change. He doesn't love you...he has lust for you... he has love for you. WHEN YOU LOVE A PERSON, YOU WOULD NEVER WANT TO HURT THEM as he has repeatedly hurt you.
Please be strong and let him go.

i'm just shocked that after two years everyone doesn't know about it, especially his wife. or everyone you work with.

Chances are his wife does know about but looks the other way. There are a lot of people out there living this so called life. If they haven't left in the first 3-6 months they are never going to leave.

Ok, i'm not very proud of this but i was in a similar situation. I had been having an affair with some who had just gotten married, the affair actually started 6 months before he got married. We tried to stop it once i realized he was actually going through with the wedding but we honestly loved each other so much. Yes this may sound silly, but he really just didn't want to disappoint his family and fiance by calling it off. Eventually, after nearly a year of him being married, i said he needed to call it off by the end of spring, or i was done. He left her the last day possible left in spring, and we have been going strong since, over a year. It's a horrible situation, but i understand what you are going through. My love left her, yours can too. But only if he is willing. Don't push it, or you will never truly know if he did it because he wanted to.

nevaeh1978, that's an incredibly scary story, what an awful way to live your life. I hope it scares our friend here into doing the right thing.

I wouldn't take workings advice, I'm sure your going to dig through all of the post and take the first persons advice that says "Go for it, he might change!" he won't.

I'm sorry Working, but just because he ended up leaving his WIFE for you doesn't justify anything. I can't understand how your conscience doesn't bother you. I swear, some people are so selfish. Anyways, what goes around comes back around...

I didn't even need to read the letter, the question is simple enough "should i end my AFFAIR"

Yes. you shouldn't be having an affair to begin with.

Now if you choose to end your marriage, you can ask a new question, which is "should I get back together with the man I cheated on my ex with?"

If he could cheat on his wife, he could very easily cheat on you. Remember: Once a cheater, always a cheater.

Forgot to add: The answer is simple - end it. You where wrong to have an affair in the first place, no matter what his relationship w/ his wife was like. It does not justify anything. Just imagine what it must be like the be the wife? And your his mistress? It's just wrong.

We reap what we sow!!! Lol

I think it's so wrong. Think of how his wife would feel, that's a hurtful thing to do to anyone. I also believe that if he really loved you, he would leave his wife, but since he hasn't then you should know. I also doubt that he's staying for the kids, that's just an excuse he tell you to get you to think he really loves you. I think he loves his wife and family and that you just his little side thing he has going on, and if it came down to it,he wouldn't leave her for you. Sorry chica. You need to finds someone who really loves you, and someone that's not married or attached to someone else. I really hope you decide to be strong and move on, cuzz I believe that Carma is a mutha f**ka. lol! Good look to you girllie.

simply: end it.

This just makes me sick reading this. To begin an affair with a married man, regardless if he has children, is disgusting. You are being a selfish, selfish woman who has no respect for herself or for that poor family that you are destroying. Whether or not his wife knows about the affair, this is ruining everything that she has worked for and it is destroying the life of their children.

Should I stop it? You should have never started it. Sick.

Whether or not he leaves his wife- you can do a lot better. If he's capable of sneaking around and cheating now, he'll always do it. I'd say end it, and find someone who can be wholly available and the kind of partner you deserve. I think some of the earlier comments were a little harsh- it's not like you're the first woman to ever have an affair with a married man- but since the damage is done, you have to move forward and do what you can to get out of the situation with your dignity, your emotions, and your job (hopefully) intact.

Why some women just couldn't understand the classic lie of "I stay in the relationship only because of my kids"?

It's just a LIE.

I think blingbling hit it right on the head. What the hell is wrong with you? You do realize that you are violating the freakin cardinal rule governing interactions with women, "NO POACHING"?!

I feel so sorry for you. You think you have a great relationship, and you don't. You are the second banana, my dear! He doesn't love you enough to leave his wife. He will never, ever love you enough to leave his wife. She's the one he loves, and you are the one he sleeps with becuase he's too much of a coward to say to himself, "WOW. I am having serious feelings for someone else, and that is an indication that there is something wrong with my marriage, and I need to go and work on it."

As blingbling said, you seem perfectly fine with being a homewrecker...and to me, that's the worst part. If you expressed even one IOTA of understand of what you are doing, I might have been less harsh. I won't judge you, but I would sincerely recommend that you take a step back and look at your moral values. Ask yourself if you'd want to be that wife (and yes, my darling, no matter how pretty/interesting/fun you are, you COULD be, especially with the karma you're setting yourself up with!). Ask yourself if this is truly the life you want to lead. Then live with the consequences of your decision.

The first bad thing is that she needs to hear that this is wrong, when even she know it, but some people like to suffer.

truths:
-he cheats on his wife, he will cheat on you.
-he isn't staying with his wife for the kids.
-he cheats on his wife, he doesn't love his wife, he doesn't respect his wife, he doesn't love you, he doesn't respect you, he loves himself more than anything.
-men that love and respect women do rights things, take right decisions, takes their time do to things.

so, OF COURSE IS WRONG TO HAVE AN AFFAIR!!! (read first truth)

so, we don't need to tell anybody what to do, because the answer should be very, very, very simple.

Please do not listen to working -- sad advice, but if you decide to listen to it as you may have deluded yourself -- please note that her situation is a bit different, she met someone who had reservations against getting married and likely made a mistake (albeit her getting involved with someone engaged and then married is sick), you encountered an already set relationship with children and your boss. Please get out....

No way a man will leave his wife for you. You are naive for thinking he would. Couple problems with you though: 1. The fact that you want him to leave his wife and children to be with you, makes you a selfish person. 2. Why would you want to be with a man who is cheating on his wife? Do you think you are so special he won't do the same thing to you? You should be ashamed of yourself for being a home wrecking wh*re.