Welcome to Hump Day, TrèsSugar's sex advice column. If you have questions about sex, send them to TrèsSugar, and our friend Dr. Charlie Glickman from Good Vibrations will offer his sound advice!
Today's Question:
I'm 24 and in my first relationship. I really like the guy, we've been going out for six months, but I get nervous whenever he slips his hand under my underwear. He gets the hint and stops. I don't mind him doing other things (we haven't slept together yet), but I wish I wasn't such a prude. I don't know what he expects and I worry that he will be grossed out, as I only shave/wax the bikini line but not the whole thing. What if he thinks it is ugly? I also don't know what I should expect; he knows I'm a virgin, but I don't know how to speak to him about why I get uncomfortable, and I don't know how to overcome it! I also have a few stretch marks and worry that he will be grossed out by them. Please help?
To read Dr. Glickman's response, read more.
Thank you for sharing this challenging situation. I know that it can be scary to talk about things like this, but these are all really common thoughts.
One of the things that can help when you’re on the edge of your comfort zone is to take it very slowly. It’ll probably help to tell your guy about your discomfort, even if you can’t tell him why it’s there. You could simply say "I have a lot of discomfort around sex." You also might want to do a little solo exploration. It takes the pressure off because there aren’t any partner expectations. Check out the wonderful book Becoming Orgasmic. If you’re looking for tips or ideas for techniques, Tickle Your Fancy is full of suggestions. Once you know a bit more about what you like or dislike, you and your boyfriend might be able to find something that you both like to do.
It’s worth mentioning that vulvas come in all different shapes. (The vulva is the external female anatomy. The vagina is the inside part.) There’s a long history of negative attitudes towards the vulva, but each one is unique and beautiful in its own way. A lot of women have the idea that there’s something wrong with their vulvas because they don’t look like what we see in porn or because they have hair, and I think that’s unfortunate. I strongly recommend getting to know your parts and Scarleteen has a great site about that. It’s geared towards teens, but there's lots of amazing info about sex, bodies, and pleasure.
Another option would be to explore some of these concerns with a therapist. When you have an itch on your back, you need someone else to scratch it. Therapists help us by reaching the spots we can’t reach on our own. Lastly, depending on where you are, you could join a body-image support group. While they tend not to focus on sexuality, they can be an incredibly helpful way to work through our concerns about our bodies and how we (or other people) feel about them.
Working through these challenges isn’t always easy, but it can be very rewarding. Whatever route you choose, I hope you find the pleasure and joy that you deserve.
Erickson Beamon
I don't know what to tell you regarding all your concerns, but as far as your "appearance" down there, you'll be happy to know most men aren't hung up on the appearance. It's a pretty safe bet he's not going to care about your waxing regime nor your stretch marks.
1i totally agree. they mostly dont pay too much attention to that stuff. if he wants to please you, let go of your insecurities and let him. One thing you could do is ask him if he likes it clean shaven/runway style etc. then you wont be too uncomfortable when he makes his way over there cause its how he likes it. both parties happy!
2I have a lot of stretch marks on my hips and butt from growing like a weed as a teen. I get self-conscious about them, but you know what? My boyfriend has always said he LIKES them! He likes to run his fingers over them ... he thinks the texture is funny. He's a weirdo, but proof that men really do love us, "flaws" and all .. and flaws are in the eye of the beholder!
3This post reminds me so much of when I was a virgin years back. I was in my first real relationship, and I was so worried about all of the things that OP mentioned. I had a landing strip but ended up shaving it all off b/c he had mentioned to me before that he didn't like hair. If you're really concerned, why don't you talk to your guy about what he likes? Although, I figured out that I was mostly worrying for nothing because my guy likes me just fine the way I am.
4If he's been with you for six months and not done ANYTHING with you, i bet your vag isnt going to scare him away.
5Yeah, I think it's pretty safe to say that he's a good guy who genuinely cares about you, seeing as he has stayed with you for 6 months even though you haven't let him in your pants! So it's quite likely he won't care one bit about any of those little hangups you have!
6I was super nervous with my current boyfriend (and I wasn't even a virgin). I think it will really help if you talk to him about it, and the two of you can figure out how you might ease into things.
7i was in the same situation, have lots of flaws we can say (being plus size girl comes with a lot of package) and with my current bf, we talked about it so many times befor we did it (we were both virgins) so we had a lot of concern. but nothing a good talk and lots of understanding couldnt solve! we dont even see our flaws anymore! just enjoy the ride!
8In one word "COMMUNICATE". I'm being blunt here, because you have so much to gain and nothing to lose.
9Since he seems to generally respect your feelings and doesn't pressure you, my guess is that little things like that won't bother him either. You'd be surprised by how many men actually don't care. Sometimes these things get blown way out of proportion. The important thing is that he loves you for you.
10I hear ya on this one. Don't rush into anything until you are ready and feel secure.
I find it rather disheartening that females/males should feel "lucky" that their partner is still with them after 6 Months without having sex. I have been with my man for 5 yrs - and he respects that I want to wait to have sex until I am married. We shouldn't feel that we have to have sex or do anything sexual with anyone if we are not ready for it. The fact that people put a time limit on such an intimate act is rather sad. (steps off soapbox)
As someone said - Communicate with one another. I know it is embarrassing to talk about hair, body parts, etc. Learn to love yourself a little bit more before rushing into things. If he can't respect that - he doesn't deserve to have you.
11Just breathe. It'll be fine.
12He sounds like an awesome guy, so a bit of hair or the stretchmarks won't bother him, and if it does he'll let you know instead of trying to make out everythings peachy.
13If you're worried about the marks though you can get creams and oils which help reduce their appearance, I've got stretchmarks on my boobs (of all places!) and they don't bother me or my partner.
Here's an idea: Have a 'Naked Night' with your partner with the understanding that this is an activity to become more comfortable and that no sex acts will be pursued. With the pressure and fear of the unknown off your mind, perhaps you can let your partner see the 'real' you that is always there under your clothes and that he loves. Self respect is a great start to overcoming the little insecurities we all have, and you clearly have that as evidenced by your choice of BF.
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