DearSugars answer isn't posted yet. Maybe because i have a HORRIBLE memory, I'd be willing to forgive him, especially since he left tons of messages about how sorry he was.

I wouldn't forgive him, he is not over the ex. The fact that he is with you while still thinking about her, in my mind, means he is using you, because the person he really cares about is her, and you are just being used to fill up some empty space in his heart right now. He needs to figure out who to like, and I wouldn't want to be around just filling his space so he can figure it out and have the benefits of a girlfriend.

I completely agree with dear sugar. The fact that he said her name during phone sex is a HUMONGOUS red flag. He is obviously not over the past with his ex and being in contact with her all of the time isn't helping matters. It probably has nothing to do with you, she most likely rejected him and he's having a hard time getting over it.

Cut him loose and if he gets smart and moves on, take him back. Look around at other guys in the meantime.

http://www.myspace.com/myheartexpired

thats really messed up, it would be one thing while normal conversation but thats a very intimate situation! he obviously still has her on his mind and you deserve someone who only has you on their mind, and idk the other details but if you guys decided to date while he was on the rebound still...you definitely dont want him to be with you just to get the other girl off his mind

Not necessarily, now I think it truly depends on how long you two have been together, how long he was with his ex, how long since the break-up, and how the relationship ended. If he is nervous during phone sex with you, then it could simply be a freudian slip. I can attest to this one, but during excitement and anger. My mother's best friend's name rhymes with mine, and she slips it all the time. My father when he get really caught up when he's trying to say something will call me his sister's name. And when I used to get in an argument with a new boyfriend, I'd catch myself about to cal them another name. It may not be that the ex was on his mind or that he isn't over her, it could be he's just really used to saying her name and it slipped. He was with one person for three years...it's a difficult thing for a person to just switch names, (think of changing your last name when getting married or even turning a year older, you just say the old name/number without reserve because it's common). Now if you two are together for over 6 months and he starts this, then THAT is unforgivable, but if you are just starting out, let him gravel but ultimately forget about it:)

If you say a name a million times, you're bound to say it again at some point. I've done it, my now husband did it when we first started dating, my last boyfriend did it - not a lot, just once or twice, but it's just habit to say the name. I highly doubt he was thinking about her when he said it. If he does this on a regular basis, then I'd be worried, but one slip is completely forgivable.

Hmmm, I'd give him the benefit of the doubt. I say this because I'm with an amazing guy now who I love to death but a few times I've had to catch myself before calling him by my ex's name! I'm completely over my ex and have cut off all contact with him for over six months now, but we were for together so long that when I was hanging out with a guy I was used to it being my ex I guess.

I 100% was not thinking about my ex on any of these occasions, in fact, I was having a great time with my guy and so I guess it almost slipped out out of careless habit. I know it's completely innocent when I (almost) do it so it could well be for him too.

I'm not sure he should be friends with his ex (seriously, is that EVER a good idea?) so I don't think it's unreasonable that you speak to him about not pursuing a friendship with her now that he's with you.

um, I kind of disagree with the majority of people. I know there have been studies done where your brain imprints certain feelings with certain people. if he's been with this girl for 3 years (as much as you might not like to think about this)- then he's probably used to being sexually aroused WITH HER. I think he just slipped. calling you back and leaving you 12 messages makes me think he slipped, because he cared enough to call again and again and IMMEDIATELY apologize. which was really sweet.

as for ultimatums, be careful. making someone choose is always rough. if they choose you unhappily, you get to deal with the resentment and the guilt. maybe you can just suggest that he ease off his friendship with her "for a while". give the two of you time alone to grow...and phone sex it up WITHOUT the memory of her.

Big fat OUCH! I would have acted the same way if my guy said another girls name while in the middle of any form of sex. This puts you in a really hard spot.

Here is the problem, he was with her for three years. That is a long time to be with someone and they don't naturally fall out of all their thoughts. Have you ever heard a song and it reminds you of an ex lover? Or maybe a movie that was your ex's favorite? Do you maybe still have a photo or memento of your past boyfriends or date? No matter how hard we try, we will somehow always be reminded of past loves. If have had these thoughts from time to time, then maybe try to find some heart and forgive your guy. Just let him know how much it hurt you and be honest on how it makes you doubt his love for you. I am not saying you should let him go scott free, but remember he is with you now. If he truly wanted to be with her, I think he would have left you by now.

Good Luck sweetie!!

What is he a phone pervert? Dump him.

i'd forgive him. speaking as "the other girl" in that sort of relationship, i've seen a good friend of mine bossed around by his controlling girlfriend. she refuses to let him talk to me, CONVINCED that we're doing things behind her back. and we're still friends, we're not going to stop hanging out just because she's paranoid. we're just going to keep it more secret.

clearly the guy's sorry, and we all make mistakes. he's human right?? forgive the poor bastard, before you're cast in a bad light.

Cut the guy a little slack. He's obviously super sorry. If he didn't care so much about you, he wouldn't call you back 12 times. 12 phone calls is a lot.

So your feelings are hurt, and that sucks, but don't lose a guy over a slip of the tongue.

And please, no ultimatums about preventing him from speaking to her. That is not a healthy response.

I just love popgoestheworld! Cutting through all the b.s. and laying it out there. I agree with her completely.

Eventually, it's your heart on the line.

Giving him the ultimatum "It's her or me" will never work because it just shows how insecure you are in your relationship with him, and how unsure you are on his love for you. The moment you ask that type of question, is the moment you shouldn't even be in that relationship, because it'll never work out great.

Then again, I can understand the dilemma.

You're probably already insecure to begin with (from your post), and he accidentally called out her name in the middle of phone sex. That's a really big blow to your ego and probably heartbreaking too.

I don't know your bf, so I can't quite tell how he really feels, it may be a slip of the tongue, or he may still hold feelings for his ex.

One thing for sure, he's trying to redeem himself and ask for forgiveness.

What you'd want to do is to do some introspection within yourself and your relationship. Be completely honest. Can you honestly forgive him and learn to really trust him that he has nothing for his ex?

Or will you be haunted by this incident for the longest time although you decide to take him back?
If you're going to be haunted, you'd probably be very miserable in this relationship, no matter how 'happy' you guys are, in the back of your head, there's that doubt. That won't be a good relationship, will it?

If you've learned to forgive AND take him back (or reconcile), you can't hold this over his head every time times get tough. You can't give him unfair ultimatum or try to control him too. You can't make someone love you like that.

So the decision is all yours.

P.S. I'll be completely honest though, if it were me, I don't think I can handle the future doubts and insecurity thinking about how he may have feeling for his ex because of the incident or that I'm just a rebound girl (second choice). I always want to be first and I don't want to ever feel like that. But that's because I'm not as secure as some other women I'm just not that strong enough to forgive quite yet. But I'll forgive him, although I won't want to be his gf anymore.

Ouch!

I think he still has a feeling for his ex. Saying ex's name during intimate time couldn't be a good sign.

i agree with dear sugar.

Give him a break. I call one of my best friends (male) my boyfriend's name by accident all the time, but I'm pretty sure it isn't because I have repressed desire for my friend. Accidents happen, and it seems pretty clear that he's sorry about it and cares about setting things right. If he made a pattern of calling you by the ex's name, then I'd be worried. Otherwise, I'd chalk it up to "accident."

And, yeah, being with someone for 3 years means that person will probably be on his subconscious once in a while. That doesn't mean he cares about that person more, nor does being in love with you make his 3 years with her less significant to him. I'd say that it's a sign that he can be a devoted person, and you can't punish him for his history. (I mean, if he had only dated this girl for a couple of month, a few years ago, wouldn't you think it's just an accidental slip if he called you her name?)

I agree with popgoestheworld too. Cut the guy a little slack. I've been with my husband for 5 years now and I still accidentally call him by an ex's name. It's not often, but their names all sound alike!

And sometimes the brain just doesn't function like it should - especially when your body is aroused and the brain more or less stops working.

I'd forget the ultimatum because they don't work and just sit down with him and talk. It's better to work it out through adult conversation and he's obviously sorry.

I accidentally told somebody I loved them because it was REFLEX.

I mean I would be UP A HEIGHT if this happened to me. I can't imagine the pain you are going through over this.

Take care of yourself and remember that no guy can truly make you happy, that has to come from within. xx

For the record, I have NUMEROUS times called my now husband, who I genuinely love, my ex's name when we first started dating. I had been with my ex for years, so after we broke (I left him) it took me a good 10 months to stop getting tongue-twisted and calling him my ex's name. I started using terms of endearment instead of actual names during intimate moments because I know exactly where my heart was/is and didn't want to make my now-husband think that there was anything to be worried about, but your head sometimes is conditioned to saying a name and slips. Take it from me, it's extremely frustrating because you know you don't love your ex- but after such a long time, some people take a little longer to snap the wrong-name habit. Hope that helps.

Man, Dear, I write little novels on your site. Sheesh.

I would forgive. I mean he was with her for ALONG time and you know what? I have done it before. I don't do it on purpose or because I have feelings for me ex (definatly no feelings whatsoever)but it does start to become habit and sometimes it slips...

I'd definitely forgive him. He was with this girl for a long time - saying her name is like force of habit. I doubt he was visualizing her when you guys were having your pervy phone sex.

give him a break. it is most likely he said his ex's name out of habit. of course it hurts - but you can choose to accept his apologies. if there are other reasons to believe that he is still hung up on his ex then it is a different story, but on its own, i don't think that this situation is unforgivable.

as for the ultimatum - not a good idea. instead, encourage pure and total honesty where he feels free to talk to you about his current friendship with his ex, otherwise he will feel the need to hide it and then you have much more potential for a problem. any time your partner feels the need to hide relationships from you, it is a sign of problems in your relationship - at the very least, a sign of problem in the areas of honesty and communication.

Forget him!He is an idiot!

Forgive him!

It depends on whether or not you can forgive him. It might take time so don't just say no I can't forgive him right now and leave - give yourself some time to get over the hurt feelings. He is obviously sorry.

Also, guys are very visual people. I wouldn't be surprised if guys picture other women (celebrities, co-workers, hot waitress, exes, etc.) during sex and it's just a mistake that this time it was verbalized.

I am in a similar situation.
My boyfriend dated a girl when he was 15 and was "in love with her" they broke up five years ago, and we started dating four years ago.

He just barley got over her three years after they broke up, but he won't stop talking to her and he made up a secret myspace profile to talk to her.

So I wish I could help you.. But I can't figure out my own problems.

amanda.. that is unacceptable!!
KICK HIS SORRY ASS OUT!!!!!!!!!!

Well, if he was with her for three years, calling her name during that particular activity may be a habit, and not an indicator that he's not over her. (When I argue with my husband, I still sometimes call him my sister's name, since that's who I used to argue with the most! It's just a habit!) Since he did apologize profusely, I say forgive the guy. Keep an eye on him, but don't give him an ultimatum (those are so disrespectful). There's got to be a reason he's been your best friend for the last five years- right?

fluffyhelen: I would but I want this to work out since we can't see ourselves being with anyone else.
But trust me... I've warned him that this is his last chance.

I am so sorry this happened to you! My boyfriend called me his ex once when we were fighting and I was just kind of in shock for a little while,I was just like, wait what did you just say??? huh??? it made me so so mad, so I know you must be feeling horrible!!! I'm not so sure about it being a habit. Whether he is used to saying her name or not, obviously he was thinking about her. If he was truly thinking about the situation with you, your name would have come out because he would have been thinking "your name here...". If the name is a habit, that means thinking about her is still a habit for him and thats what he was doing, thinking about her cause its a habit he has...yeah, I wouldn't be ok with that. If calling her name is a habit does that mean that when he actually was with her, he wasn't even thinking about her, it was just a habit??? Come on, she was in the back of his mind at least, whether he was conscious of it or not, which means he isn't over her WHETHER HE IS CONSCIOUS OF IT OR NOT!!! Since you said y'all have gotten together as bf/gf recently, I would say go back to being friends and find someone who can put their whole heart and mind into loving you and you alone. Good luck!!!

NO NO NO NO NO!! Don't immediately jump to conclusions!! I don't think this is as unforgivable as people think it is.

When I started dating my current boyfriend, I accidentally called him by my ex's name. Not during any kind of sex, but in a heated 'stop that you're irritating me' moment.

It wasn't because my ex was on my mind or anything - it was because I had been with my ex for nearly three years and you get REALLY USED TO SAYING THAT ONE NAME. I was looking at Jeff and thinking about Jeff but I opened my mouth and said something different.

So cut him a little slack this one time. My slip-up made me super paranoid about doing it again because I was crazy about this guy (and still am!) and it wasn't at all reflective of any secret desires or deceptive thoughts.

BOTTOM LINE: FORCES OF HABIT ARE REALLY HARD TO BREAK!! If he he KEEPS doing it it's another story!!

I have been with my now bf for 2 years, and my ex was 2 years too. When I first started dating my now BF I had to be very careful sometimes when I would call out his name. It was usually during a fight( you know those kind where your mom was so mad she'd yell out your whole name...middle name and all?) and I was so upset I wasn't thinking about my boyfriend's name, just that I wanted to ream him.

Well, when I am used to only yelling at ONE OTHER person like that for the past 2 years, sometimes my ex's name was dancing on the tip of my tounge. I even had dreams where I would actually say it...thats how afraid I was.

Now, that would never happen because of how long we've been together. But at the beginning (first 6 months), I would say this is definitely a forgivable mistake!

i'm pretty sure i'd be livid if if i heard my boyfriend say another girls name during sex. haha it makes me angry right now and it's never ever happened, just the thought of it wold freak me out.

Haha, this is why I dated three Shauns and two Wes's in a row. So I wouldn't have to worry about that particular problem.

I don't think it's that big a deal. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'd be piiiiiiiissed, but it doesn't have anything to do with his feelings for you. It's just habit.

As far as the keeping in contact with his ex, agree that honesty is the best policy. As long as he agrees to be completely forthcoming about their contact and you agree to try not to blow up over it, you won't have to feel threatened.

dang, that sucks either way...take him back or leave him you're always going remember how he called you another girls name.

When you're used to saying a specific name, it will pop up every once in a while. It's just how the brain works. Relax. Usually means nothing.

And, no contact. Turkey's best served cold.

Eh, I've come (hehe) close to doing the same thing, but stopped myself.
I wasn't still thinking about the ex, just something about the moment was similar.
If you're hurt and can't laugh it off, take a break and ask him to reevaluate his feeling for her and you. But since you are not his GF, it is not your place to demand he not speak to a friend out of fear of losing him. If he ever left you for her, he wasn't into you to begin with. Plus, you risk making her a forbidden fruit kinda thing for him, or worse, the person he'lll run to for advice (read: pitty sex) if you ever have a fight.

popgoestheworld says it wonderfully again... cut the guy a little slack but be wary. Giving him the ultimatum to not speak to her doesn't solve anything.