Dear Sugar --
I recently started dating a guy, and he's wonderful. However, I know that I can be really really clingy and that has scared away a lot of guys that I've dated. I am trying so hard not to be clingy with this new one because I am so happy with him, but he feels like I'm pulling away. I work at a bar and he'll come visit me and if I don't spend every free second talking to him he gets upset and accuses me of playing games with him and leading him on. It's especially hard because we live over an hour away from each other and are both really busy. I don't know what to do because he really is a sweet and genuine guy but his accusations make me feel terrible. Can I ask him not to visit me at work anymore, or would that crush him? Do you have any advice on how to maintain an even keeled relationship? -- Attached Abbi
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Dear Attached Abbi --
The first step to not repeating history is to acknowledge the root of the problem so you're on the right track by recognizing your tendency to be clingy. It sounds as though your boyfriend is a little clingy himself and he is clearing perceiving your actions as being distant so make sure you don't give him the wrong impression. Have a little chat with him so you're on the same page.
From the way your boyfriend behaves when he visits you at work, it's pretty clear he has some control issues, so it's important that he understands that he can't have all of your undivided attention while you're working. If he's distracting you and starting unnecessary tiffs, be honest with him and tell him you would rather not have him visit you at the bar.
The beginning of relationships can be hard and sometimes it takes a little time to get into a comfortable groove, so make it a point to keep the lines of communication as open as possible and hopefully you can figure out a schedule that makes you both happy. Good luck!
Korres
Aminaka Wilmont
Energie
I think that there are different degrees to being clingy. Most girls I know, must be around their guy every free second. I've even got one friend that is SO bad she quit her job to work with him and his family (who she is also living with!!!)
1It sounds like your guy is being the clingy one in this relationship. Explain to him that you love being around him, but when you are working, your work has to come first. If he can't handle that, ask him to wait to see you when you are off work. I can't tell you anytime I have gone to a bar and loved my bartender ignoring me to smooch with her man all night. Explain that to him and if he really cares about you, he will understand and respect that. And also, there is a middle ground to be at with clinginess. You don't have to smother him, but that doesn't mean ignoring him either. If you two live an hour a way it's quite difficult to smother a person. When you are with him, enjoy being with him (without fear of being clingy). When you are away, enjoy your time by yourself and let him enjoy his.
In terms of your clinginess, figure out what the root of that problem may be, first. Is it a trust issue with him, guys in general, or people in general? Is it an issue about not wanting to be alone? Whatever it may be, try to work on the base of the problem first. I used to be really clingy, but then I came to realize that I was scared of being hurt. Once I worked on that and developed more trust, I found that being un-clingy helped his perception on the health of the relationship.
Also, the way you asked your question started out as your clinging problem, but it's clear that he has the bigger problem in terms of visiting you at work. It would crush him to tell him not to visit you at work, but it would be best. Since you have a long distance relationship, wouldn't you rather spend one-on-one time with him, and not be juggling him with your job? I think if you explain it to him in this way, he would understand better than if you just said "don't visit me at work"... that would lead him to be suspicious and jealous of what's going on at work, especially since it's a high risk type of job in his mind: he obviously doesn't want to lose you.
2He has to know that work is work and that you can spend some time with him but can't spend all your time with him or else you'll lose your job. It's hard to keep a relationship like that going, but I do think honestly is the best way. Make sure to keep "me time" for you to enjoy the things you enjoy on your own.
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