i think your situation is similar to many other people who belong to the sandwich generation. This generation has aging parents who need care, but also has children to bookend the middle generation. In my experience one sibling usually takes the lead for care of aging parents, and I am so fed up with other siblings not taking on supporting roles. Your husband needs to talk with his siblings and integrate a rotation so as to give you back a decent amount of time and space.

Don't feel bad about being overwhelmed--three days a week is a lot for anyone to be staying at your house! I bet he's probably getting tired of traveling all the time, too. If this dialysis is something that is going to keep happening for the forseeable future, it may be a good idea to talk to him about moving full-time to the area. Offer to help him look for an apartment or a house near you.

If not, talk to your husband first and make sure you're on the same page. Call his nearby siblings and ask them to invite their dad to stay with them for a while. That may be easier than talking directly to your father in law. Good luck!

Talk to your husband, it's his father and he needs to deal with this situation.

Hello!

I am the one who wrote this about 3 months ago, and at the time it was very frustrating. In fact, there were times when I would go to the library or the book store to get work done. I would then return home in hopes that he would be asleep.

In all honesty, things are a bit better-- my father-in-law now goes to dialysis close to his home. We no longer have visits three times a week. He does come to visit quite often, mainly because he is lonely. However, I don't mind that at all. It really was the invasion of space that became a problem...my husband & I had a difficult time finding "alone" time-- especially since we were just newlyweds when he began the dialysis.

It's nice to get the advise now...but I really do wish it was available to me three or so months ago when I wrote.

Thanks!

^^Wow, I'm glad things are better for you now, but why in the world are these questions so old? It seems when people need advice, they need it right then!! Are there not enough new questions? I'm now really confused about the group therapy timeframe...

I'm with you Princess... Dear Sugar?

he has a serious medical condition and if it helps him to feel better/more comfortable to be at your house then i think it would be really petty to deny him that. the fact that you and your new husband are "incredibly busy high school teachers and coaches" doesn't change his needs, and frankly makes you sound very cold. do a few less things outside the home and arrange ypur schedules to be around this man who is obviously very lonely and scared right now. when you look back on your choices at the end of your life i doubt you will be sorry to have tried and made your fil happy and comfortable in his time of need.

i don't think your entire life needs to on hold, or be arranged around the care of an elderly parent, especially when it sounds like there are enough people to share in this man's care.

I think it's a disgrace that you feel so bothered by this poor guy using your place 3 times a week. Has our society become so cold that we can't even help our own family out? I could see if your post said things like he's rude, he hates me, he's a complete jerk. The poor man is on dialysis for goodness sakes! I've seen hundreds of patients on dialysis and it's not easy. Many are essentially dying. I don't understand why your being so selfish. He probably keeps talking because he is lonely or feels like he's a burden and just wants to get to know his family. In one breath you say all he does is talk then in another your bothered that he uses your tv, internet, and couch. What is he supposed to do roll up in a ball and disappear while he's there? Maybe he's trying to stay out the way a little. Give the guy a break. This is what family is all about helping each other in time of need especially when sick. Is helping a family member out 3 times a week, who most likely needs a donated kidney, such a bad thing? I'm sure he thinks the world of you and your husband for opening your home to him. I'm sorry but you do seem a bit heartless!

^^wow, must suck to be the OP and get slammed like that even after posting upthread three months later....

Well regardless of when you post if you want honest answers thats what your gonna get!

hotstuff, you were completely rude and out of line. She began the post saying she felt guilty about her feelings. She didn't ever refuse to help him out, she didn't kick him out, she just said she wished the responsibility was split between the 3 other nearby, available children. That's completely fair. She's a newlywed! That adjustment time is hard enough without the father-in-law there all the time! Especially since there are 3 other kids with whom the responsibility could have been shared.

Either way, it worked out. ssoss, i don't think you were being heartless, you were just frustrated with family, which happens. hotstuff must be one of the lucky few to have a perfect family to never have felt annoyed by a family member!

laura6567 No I don't have a perfect family which is why I can see her being petty and a bit heartless. When your family is sick you help out! No one choses when to be sick. He was there in a time of need. I'm sure he's not a stupid man not to notice that she thought he was a burden. I'm just being honest with the OP. If you think it's out of line thats your problem.

I guess we have to agree to disagree. In my opinion, she did help out. She never kicked him out, she never complained to him or even her husband. She gave no evidence of being mean or rude to him, so I have no reason to believe she was. People get annoyed. Family can be overwhelming. I would be annoyed if my mom stayed with me 3 days a week for an extended period of time. Not to say that I don't love her, or wouldn't let her, but people need space. I think she handled it well (waiting through it without complaining), and being frustrated is not a sign of being petty or cold, it's a sign of being human.

#1. I have to agree that it's too bad that this help was requested 3 months ago. I understand that many people may be asking for help at the same time and it may be hard to pick and choose, but 3 months does seem excessive.

#2. SSoss, I am sorry you are getting slammed. I do not think you were being insensitive at all. You stated flat out that it was because you were newlyweds AND there were 3 other siblings very close by that, quite frankly, SHOULD have helped shouldered the burden.

I have to agree with laura that you were not being petty or cold, merely human.

We don't live in one room homes with 12 family members anymore. I would be annoyed by anyone staying with me that much, whether beloved family member or not.

I agree with muchacha that your entire life does not need to be put on hold to care for an elderly parent. Some families may do well, but I have seen families struggle when an elderly parent moves in,

Hello!

I really do appreciate all of your comments, it means a lot to me. You are right, I NEVER let it be known that I was having a difficult time with his presence in our home. He never knew, because I never ignored him. I watched the tv shows he liked (while grading papers), we let him use our computer even if we needed to use it for school...I listened to him...and when it because too much, I honestly did have to leave for a bit to get work done. However, I played it off like my leaving was already planned (which is somewhat of a white lie...and it didn't happen often). Likewise, my husband never knew & still doesn't know. To this day, no one in our family knows how I felt.

It was just tough because it was every FRIDAY NIGHT...MONDAY NIGHT...and WEDNESDAY NIGHT...
As mentioned before, this was an issue from about Jan-August/Sept...then my father-in-law was able to have a port placed in his arm for dialysis near his home.

sSoss Like I said before I'm sure he thinks the world of you guys helping him out and opening your home to him. I just want people to realize that yeah you may think it's not your problem and you shouldn't have to give up your life but one day you many find yourself in the same postion. People who get sick need their families help, thats the bottom line. I hope the people who would pass this burden to someone else don't find themselves standing in his shoes on day with family who aren't kind enough to take you in. We are young now but we won't always be. At the end of the day these are the tests that you go through in life to see exactly what kind of character you have. We can see sickness on tv and just say oh thats ashame or we can help those in need. If we can't help our own family without it being a hardship then who can we help?

I usually choose not to get to personal online but I had a similar situation as the member here, my mother got really sick from cancerand my sister and I had to take care of her. I never questioned taking care of her because she took care of me for 19 years full of love and grace that I am so thankful for so when it was my turn to take care of her it was no problem.
I am afraid that the American culture is so messed up that when a parent gets sick we see it as a burden when really we should see it as a time to step up and be loving and responsible to our parents or inlaws because it's the right thing to do.

Trust me, I understand what it is like to take care of elders. I couldn't imagine it any other way. Both of my grandmothers lived with me before they passed away. In fact, we "rescued" my one gradma from the hospital (she hated it), and she died peacefully at our home.

The situation that occurred with my father-in-law wasn't as upsetting due to his presence in our home...as it was that other people in the family (namely his other children & his wife) that were taking advantage of the situation. They wanted him "out of their hair", and it was rather sad.

My father-in-law is a great guy, in small doses. He seemed to interfere / get too personal when my husband & I were just getting adjusted to marriage. It was a rather tough time because I had to keep all of the frustration inside (and I did). I only wrote to DearSugar at the time because I was asking for advice on how to re-direct my frustrations. However, IT HAS ALL PASSED...all is well.

Thanks again.

Caregiver burnout is very, very common and needs to be discussed. People who experience it need to be able to vent without being attacked...how you feel, is how you feel. You still are there for the person needing care, but you still are going to feel overwhelmed and, yes, resentful, angry...this is all normal.

Am glad things improved for you, am sorry you had to keep it all in. But, my point is only...everything you felt was very normal and healthy, so don't defend yourself.

I work at a Library, this question has come up (a lot) and there are resources available online, groups...for the next person to feel this way. So, that's my only reason for posting...

I agree w/ others about the timeframe of the posts... I guess Group Therapy is better than sending directly to Dear Sugar unless people want her advice specifically.

The only downside is that it takes some effort to click over to Group Therapy and the posts there get about 1/5th the response of the posts on the main blog.

I come from that old school way of thinking, and that is to take care of your elders no matter what. Yes i know there is a limit, but there is a growing trend in our nation to just push our parents and grandparents aside when they truly need our love, understanding and patience. Do you really expect this man to get a house there? or an apartment?

I would give my right arm to have my dad back alive, chilling at our house for 3 nights a week.

"our only tv, helos himself to our internet, makes his home on our couch" wow......wow