The grass is always greener on the other side. I always thought I wanted to stay home, until I got laid off and was forced to be home.

Sometimes I agree with her, sometimes I love going to work every day.

I "retired" from the workforce over 10 years ago to stay at home with our children. It's been the best thing for us. But that's just it, you have to do what is best for you and your family and do what will make you happy, don't worry about what others will think. If working outside the home makes you happy that's wonderful, if staying at home makes you happy that's great too. It should never be about what other people expect.
In this readers case, however, it could just be that she needs more help from her family after she gets home from work. Because just because you stay at home doesn't mean you work less, you just do all of your work at home instead of having to go to an office for 8+ hours a day.

I agree with Jennibean. My mom used to always say that stuff when were little. Then when I was 12 she got laid off (post 9/11). It was fun for her for awhile, then she was climbing the walls. She even got sick of the soap operas. She was psyched to go back to work although now she complains about it.

Would it be possible to work part-time? You'll still have a source of income, a change of scenery a few times a week, and be able to spend more time at home. If you have to keep a full-time job, ask your family to do more around the house because this is 2009, and women can't be expected to do all of the housework.
I don't think it is a step backwards for feminism to want to stay at home. Just because women can have a high-powered careers, doesn't mean it has to be your lifestyle.

I would recommend The Feminine Mistake: Are We Giving Up Too Much?.

I personally could never stay home --- I would climb the walls (like chillchic's mom), but that's just me.

If you decide to stay home, make sure you have your finances in order. It isn't pleasant ot think about, but with so many marriages ending in divorce, YOU need to be prepared to support YOU.

Also, I get that stay at home MOMS have a lot to do, but what would you do as a stay at home WIFE? Seriously, I am asking because I'm curious.

I guess if you have a ton of money you could spend your days getting massages and blowouts and stuff.. but what would you DO all day??

Ah good point running, what would a stay at home wife do exactly? This confession reminded me for a moment about my best friend who is currently in college with me, but doesn't plan to use her degree at all. She just wants to marry her boyfriend and be a stay at home wife. She doesn't want kids at all, the thought of giving birth freaks her out! It drives me nuts thinking about it. Why even bother paying for a degree then? Ah to each their own I suppose...

Some people are happy working, some people are happy doing both, some people are happy staying at home. Nothing wrong with any of them, I don't think.

You should do what makes you happy. If your husband's income is enough to support both of you without struggle, then there's nothing stopping you from being a stay-at-home wife. Or, as Pistil suggested, you might be able to get by with a part-time job. Here's the thing: it's thanks to "women's lib or whatever" that we actually have a choice in the matter.

If her finances can allow her to, she should do what she wants. I've heard of couples without children where the wife stays home and keeps the home in order, cooks dinner, etc. like it was the past.

The couples I read about seemed happy with their choice; the women enjoyed being homemakers while the men enjoyed coming home from work to a cooked meal and a clean house.

Feminism isn't about going to work every day, it's about having a choice that wasn't available in the old days. It's one thing to CHOOESE to stay home—it's another to stay home because that's what's expected of women.

There is nothing wrong with being a stay at home wife. I would love to be a stay at home wife if the opportunity ever arose. It is tiring to work 8 hours a day then come home to make dinner, feed the pets, clean, do laundry, pay the bills, go grocery shopping, tend to the garden and on and on and I don't even have children. I would miss work but the free time would give me the chance to do all the volunteer work I would like to do or I would get some sort of enjoyable part time job.

I am pretty sure that if I didn't have the children I would do the same things I do now just on a smaller scale. The only thing different would be no homework and/or school papers to deal with. But I'd still cook, clean, run errands, garden, home maintenance, volunteer etc.

I would never be comfortable in a relationship where the guy holds all of the purse strings. No matter how great the guy is, you give up control when someone else brings home the entire paycheck. It makes you vulnerable, kids or not.

If you are ok with clearing everything you do and buy with someone else, go for it. It might sound great to be a homemaker, but you are paying a price. Also, heaven help you if your guy gets bored with you, the relationship goes south and you have been out of the job market for awhile.

Too risky for me.....I will always be working, even if only part-time.

i agree, it's a wonderful thing to do when you have a family. every woman should be able to make her own choice and not be forced into some social frames of acceptable behaviour. if you want to work - work, want to stay home - stay.

I kind of understand what the OP is saying. These days most women have to work full time along with the men, but the men still expect the women to cook for them and do their laundry, etc. The reason I say that is because my boyfriend of (almost) 3 years said something of that nature recently. He's a very traditional person, so he believes that women should still be doing all these house-wife things, even though most of us have to work full time along with the men to make ends meet in this messed up economy. I personally don't think that's very fair to us.

When we got married, my wife was a stay-at-home wife, and that worked out perfectly for us. We could afford it, and it left her free to go on business trips with me to Germany, France, the Netherlands, or even just long weekends in Phoenix, Tucson, or Santa Fe. Then later when we were building a home but living in an apartment, and had a son in school, she took a part-time job mostly to get out of the apartment.
Of the two situations, she liked the first better, and is seriously thinking of quitting the job. But being a stay-home mom was definitely the thing to do when our son was an infant, and we're fortunate to have been able to afford that.

I wouldn't have to work if I didn't want to. It's all about what your finances are.

Hey, no one is going to knock your choice. If you want to stay home and be a homemaker, then that's fine. There are a lot of benefits to it, and it seems to work very well for a lot of women.

The problem I'm seeing is the fact that you think you were born in "the wrong era". Women can stay home nowadays just like they did in the 50's--you just need to find a man who accepts/understands this want of yours and makes it a priority. And there are enough of them out there to make this a very real possibility. But the 50's literally FORCED women to stay home and push out kids, regardless of whether they wanted to or not. So when you say that you wish you were born in another era, you are saying that you wish you didn't have a CHOICE in the matter...you wish that society/your man would FORCE you to stay home.

That's kind of short-sighted if you ask me.

I think a good portion of the OP's need to confess this is that some people feel that women who want to do this are 'setting women back 50 years and wasting your life' ... and while I know most feminists certainly don't feel that way ... I had a girl from the women's group on my campus throw that statement at me one day when I said I'd love to be a stay at home wife and mother when I've settled and had kids.

I'm pursuing two degrees (I'm in a five year B.A/M.A.T program) and plan to be a teacher, which is the best possible schedule (in my mind) for a women who wants to be able to raise her kids as much as possible, and one of the rare careers where it's somewhat less difficult to get back into after leaving for some number of years to raise small children. My boyfriend is planning to go into the same career, so it's unlikely that we'd be able to raise a family on just one teacher's salary - even in a state like ours, where teachers are generally very well paid and can make 65-75k a year.

If it was at all possible, though, I would LOVE to have the opportunity to stay home while my children are small to raise them and keep house. I hope to be able to perhaps switch to subbing just a few days a week and be home part of the week, if possible. It'll probably be only feasible solution, and even then I wish I could know that staying home with my kids would be easy to do.

It just irks me that if I voice my opinion, that being a housewife or stay-at-home mom is a good life choice for myself and for many others, I get jumped all over. Some of the 'feminists' at my school don't seem to grasp the fact that the feminism movement gave us a CHOICE in what we did, and that to choose not to go into the work force and to stay in the domestic sphere is still a valid choice.

exactly, jazzytummy.

if the relationship goes south (as they do, as much as that suckys), and the OP has been home for a while, and then goes back to work... employer will ask about the giant gap in the OP's resume.

if you do it make sure you have your finances in order. is your b/f / husband going to give you an "allowence"? is he going to complain about how much you spend?

I love having a job -- not only because I find the work I do important, enjoyable, and stimulating, but because I can spend how I please - within reason, of course - without getting grilled. New bike? A(nother) pair of black pumps? If it's a HUGE purchase I will consult with my husband, but generally I spend as I see fit.

Another issue: what if your husband loses HIS job? THEN what happens? Both of my parents worked, and when my dad's business went bankrupt, we lived on my mom's salary. Things were tight, but my parents didn't have to worry about not being able to pay the mortgage, put food on the table, etc. Had she stayed home I don't know what they would have done.

BE SMART ABOUT IT.

Sounds to me like she isn't getting the proper support at home. When both are working full time that means both are responsible for the household responsibilities. If kids are a part of the family, they get to help too, it is teamwork, not all one person.

There is nothing degrading about stay at home wives. That’s a job on its own. I get her point; many women go to work for eight hours, then go home and have to work even more-it is not an easy thing to do. I will personally not do it, yet I don’t want to marry nor have kids.

you know i think that is a pretty common wish actually, one that crosses both genders. my boyfriend has often said that he would be fine being a stay-at-home dad (way later in life, when we have kids ). and i've found myself saying that being a domestic goddess at home wouldn't seem so bad either. but then again, it's because we're both working and as someone said previously, the grass is greener on the other side.

I stay at home with our children and it's hard! It's definitely not for everyone!!! And my husband and I sacrifice a lot, living on one income. But it's what we have chosen and it's been very successful for us and our daughters. There are pros and cons to both working and staying home!

Nothing wrong with that sometimes I wish I can stay at home

Sometimes I really want to give up on school and just wind up a stay-at-home mom.

I like most housewife duties, and I'm good at them. Most stuff that you study to go to work just annoy me rather than interest me.

I stayed home when my kids were small and it was nice. I was grateful for the opportunity that I could financially afford to at the time. It didn't fulfill me as a person though. My work is something I'm passionate about. I'm glad I was prepared and had job skills when I got divorced. I have the opportunity to stay home since my fiancee makes enough for both of us but I choose to work. I think you need a strong support system and an outlet. Part time or charity work so you don't lose track of what you want or need to do with your life.

Sometimes I think it would be great to be a housewife after I'm done with college and grad school and stuff. I actually have no problems cooking and cleaning, and whether we had kids or not, it would be nice to be there for my husband.

But the reality is that I always need to be around people. OK, not always. But I'm a very social person, and if I didn't have kids, I'd get so bored so fast, especially if most of my friends were working.

So I'll probably stay home for a few years once I have kids, at least until they're all in school.

I totally forgot to add: There is no shame in staying home, as long as it's what you want to do. The feminist revolution didn't come around to force us all into working. The women who started it started it because they wanted women to have a choice, whether that choice was to stay home or to work.

Staying home (and working for that matter) is only a problem if your husband pressures you into doing it.

I still think it's naive to think you can take off a few years and waltz back into the workplace.

What's the big deal? As women, we like to get all involved in other women's decisions and how they reflect on the rest of womankind, but I think it's something you work out as a couple. I stay home, but my husband and I are partners. We made the decision as a team, we work out our finances as a team, we parent as a team, and we both feel that this arrangement is working really well for us and our son as a family. If I wanted to go to work, he would support me completely, but I don't. I work plenty hard at home. I think it comes down to personal choice - and isn't that the whole point of women's lib? - and what works for everyone involved. I may be a woman, but I don't "owe" womankind anything that goes against what makes my family (and myself) happy.

I resent those who are saying things such as; "Keep your job, because if you get divoirced you're SCREWED". This is not necessarily the case...you just need to communicate with your husbund. My mom was a stay at home mom, but was just as busy (sometimes busier) than my dad. Early on they decided that although he had the job, they were both working and that it was both of theirs. Of course it was more intricate than that but you see what I mean. It shouldn't be you owe your husbund because he's the one with the job, it should be a combined effort, even if you don't have a career.

Hey if it works for her. Personally I'd still hold down a part time job.

i agree with jazzytummy and runningesq, i think if you choose to stay at home you have to be prepared for any eventuality up to and including divorce, illness, and death. depending on someone else to support you can leave you vunerable, because someone might think they can dictate all the decisions in the household because they pay all the bills or they can get bored with you and leave you without a way to support yourself and antiquated job skills because you've been out of the workforce. the only way i'd be a stay at home parent/partner, was if i had a secret emergency bank account and some investments in case the arrangement didn't work out and so i would feel completely free to leave whenever i wanted.

i also agree the one of the basic tenets of feminism is to give women a choice, whether to stay at home or work. and i don't begrudge anyone the choice to stay at home, all i say is if you do choose to do it, be careful.

It seems like a few people are operating on the automatic assumption that, if one partner stays at home, the other one automatically controls all of the money, which often isn't the case. When I was growing up, my dad was the one who made the money, but my mom was actually the one in charge of paying bills, etc. She didn't work outside the home, but she didn't have to clear purchases with my dad. Heck, she even made large purchases, like cars, without him. (He knew she was looking, but she went to the dealership and signed the papers on her own.) If you have to "clear everything you buy or do with someone else," you have bigger issues in your relationship than deciding whether or not you should work outside the home.

Running, I do understand what you're saying in regards to making sure you have a way of making/having money should the need ever arise.

I don't see how being born in a certain era has anything to do with her so-called problem. If she wants to stay home, do it. We can all thank the "women's lib" movement that she apparently has no respect for for giving women the ability to choose whether they want to work or stay home. There's no need to mock the idea of women having "rights or whatever" just because she personally wants to stay home.

Also, look at Mad Men. It might seem ideal to never have to worry about holding down a job, managing your finances, etc. But in a lot of ways, women were treated as second class citizens.

Lilkimbo - thank you, I've been trying to collect my thoughts on this so I could state them clearly, it wasn't happening lol. I agree, not all marriages are like what many people here are describing. While I do not generate any income for the household, our money is just that, our money. Part of my job is to manage the household and that includes finances.

I also agree that one should never kid themselves into thinking that it would be easy to fall right back into a well paying career after staying at home for any length of time.

Back in the "era" she is referring to, the majority of families could get by with one income. It was normal for the man to "provide" and they were being paid enough to afford a house, children, etc. with their salary alone. Times have changed and now the majority of families need both parents working just to pay the bills. Today it has a lot less to do with woman's lib and more to do with the economy and the cost of living.

My question is, why is she putting in 8 hours at home if she has a husband? If both members of a couple are working full time, then both should be contributing to the work at home. If she's single, living in another era would just mean working in worse conditions or having nothing.

Personally, I think it's no big deal either. My view aligns with Lilxmissxmolly and Theklalou. Any choice is fine. It's about what's right and good for that particular woman.

I echo darc: if both spouses work, why is SHE putting in 8 hours at home? my husband and I split chores and household "to-dos"

im a stay at home mom/wife. my youngest is in third grade, so i have much more free time now. love it. thought if going back to work briefly about a year ago, couldn't even get an interview. darn, guess i'll just have to stay home

why are some of you assuming she is the only one who does work when they are home? she doesn't say in her post if her husband helps or not. For all we know they are both putting in 8 hours of work at home.

OP if your family is able to live on just your husbands income then I suggest you talk to him about being a stay at home wife. I want to warn you though, if your relationship doesn't work out then you could be putting yourself in a tough spot. My aunt was a stay at home wife after she got married. She was very successful in her career before she got married and when she divorced her husband she had to go back to work. It was a struggle finding a job and even now 5 years later she is still struggling.

thats my dream......

I know everyone is different, but I think it's sad when people don't have jobs that they enjoy, that they are passionate about. Yes, some days really suck, but overall I enjoy going to work. I would be so freaking bored if I stayed home.

I like staying at home and will stay at home after having kids but I HATE cleaning. HATE! If I could walk on glass to get out of doing dishes I would!

My dream life would be to stay home and raise children. Make dinner, clean the house, have lunch with friends. And I'm a man.

running, but for some people staying at home and taking care of a home and family ARE jobs that they enjoy and are passionate about. "Job" doesn't always have to mean working in an office and/or getting paid to do something outside the home.

Not trying to argue or debate, just trying to give you another viewpoint is all. I don't think you're wrong, I just think you're not looking at it from all directions.

I think all I'm trying to say is don't feel sad for them if they are doing what they truly love to do.