22 years is a pretty big difference. i dunno, i'd be skeptical if my kid was dating someone old enough to be their mother or father. dita didn't mention how old she is...

I'm with jeanie here...it's a little creepy. My husband is 13 years older than I am...but he definitely doesn't look like it and he doesn't act like it either. 22 years older seems a little much to me, though.

22 years is much older. it's just kind of gross.

The actual number difference isn't as disconcerting as the maybe the idea that he is manipulating you without you knowing it. Can you picture being with him 10 to 20 years from now? And what are you sacrificing to be with him..your religion, your relationship with your family? Are you going to marry this man..what is the age difference between you and his children? How is your relationship with his ex? There are more questions than answers... I guess just be careful, follow your heart, but beware and try not to damage your relationship with family..

IMA you raise such good points.

Your parents may never accept your relationship, and so, you must weigh your priorities. Do what makes you most happy... and recognize that sometimes you just need to cut your losses.

I met my fiance when I was 13 years old, and he was 24. This February will be 6 years since our first kiss. We have had a wonderful relationship and my whole family accepted him from day one. I've grown quite a bit emotionally since we met, and I don't doubt that I would have done a lot of stupid & reckless things with my life if he wasn't there to help me through.

I am truly sick of narrow-minded individuals that cry pedophilia at these types of relationships. Most of these individuals don't even know the true definition of pedophilia. They assume that the law dictates pedophilia, meaning that a girl under the age of 18 is automatically a victim of pedophilia if she is involved with an over-18 year old male. That is not pedophilia. It's just illegal in this country.

Pedophilia is the attraction to underdeveloped children. And speaking for my own relationship, my fiance has always dated women within 2-3 years of his age and has never so much as looked at another adolescent before me. I was a very developed, highly mature 13 year old.

Side note: I think it's a bit ridiculous to put a picture of Lolita in this post. The novel is about a text-book pedophile and his relationship with a prepubescent child. By using that picture, you are making the assumption that this girl is dating a pedophile just because he is 22 years her senior. He could be 100 years her senior, but if he is not sexually aroused by prepubescent children, he is not a pedophile. So the stereotyping is a little silly.

um, at 13 you're still a child. and him being 24 definately makes him a pedophile.

Ditto bluejeanie.....that is VERY disturbing. I don't care how "mature" someone thinks she is at 13, she is still a little girl. What would a 24 year old grown man see in a 13 year old child?

I'd like to know how old Dita is?

thanks, jennav. after i posted it i was afraid i was going to be attacked, then i thought to myself "i'm 24, there's no WAY i would ever date someone the same age as my baby sister!" i also can't think of any parents that would be "ok" with letting a 24 year old anywhere near their 13 year old in a sexual manner. you can look mature, i had breasts and was menstruating at 13, but you certainly aren't an adult at 13.

If a 24 year old man was after my 13 year old child, I'd have his ass thrown in jail faster than he could spell p-e-d-o-p-h-i-l-i-a!

lol, Agree with the pedophile talk. I'd meet a twenty four year old with a rifle if they came to my door to see my 13 year old, no matter who was male or female in the situation.
In the matter at hand, If I was the parent, I would have to have more than I love him and his children as an explanation. Why do you love him? What qualities in him have attracted you? How does he make you feel? Etc.
They may accept your relationship in time, when they see it working, and being a good thing for you personally.

~Procrastinate Now! Don't Put It Off~ (Ellen)

don't see them supporting this union any time soon. strike 1: different religion. strike 2: 2 kids from a previous relationship who (unless are VERY young and who's mother is dead) will not support this union and thereby be one more road block to it's success. remember, his first responsibility to to any minor children so right now you are sitting in 3rd place. strike 3: 22 year age difference. society will frown on this until you are 45. he will have little in common with your friends and you won't be accepted by his friends; too threatening for the other married women and too new for the men. if you are determined to make this relationship work i'd leave other people out of it. it's a sad truth that people who don't walk the beaten path are treated differently but it IS a truth.

My best friend is married to a man 25 years older than her. It works for them. She is 35, he is 60. They work in the same field and have a lot in common including friends. But she certainly wouldn't have dated him when she was 13. Sorry, that IS pedophilia (a 13 year old is considered peripubscent) and any sexual relations between a 24 year old and 13 year old is statutory rape. I would personally kick the ass of any 24 year old who came sniffing around my 13 year old daughter.

That's the thing... pedophilia is not dictated by age. It is finding yourself sexually aroused by a child's body. A typical 13 or 14 year old girl does not have the body of a child. She is menstruating with developing breasts and a newly curved figure. All of these things are disgusting to a pedophile. Any womanly features are considered unappealing to the pedophile.

All of you are focused on governmental regulations to dictate what is and what is not pedophilia. Read a psychology textbook. Or better yet, Nabokov's Lolita. "Pedophile" is a very strong word used for very particular circumstances. Disobeying the age of consent laws doesn't necessarily make you a pedophile.

I also would like to know the age of the original poster. If she is 30 and he is 52, creepy yes, but they are both full grown adults. If she is 16 and he is 38.....that is just not right.

Perhaps Lolita has a daddy complex.

I don't think it's getting caught up on dictionary definitions and laws so much as knowing that a 13 year old girl is a child. If the definition of pedophilia is attraction to pre-pubescent children, then the definition of a 24 year old dating a 13 year old is a pervert. It doesn't matter how 'physically mature' the girl is, mentally she still has a long way to go. There's a reason that a 13 year old depends on her parents for everything from a roof over her head to lunch money to learning morals and how to deal with life.

A 24 year old man has no right to even look in the direction of a 13 year old girl, much less take to the point where they're becoming involved with each other.. emotionally or physically. You can debate the age that someone become an adult because we all mature at different rates, so yes some 18 year olds are ready to go out and face the world and some aren't.. But if I had a daughter that age that was dating a grown man, like Twink said.. his ass would be in jail so fast he wouldn't know what hit him.

Well said Karma.

Ditto.....VERY well said, Karma.

So when a 40 year old man grabbed my 15 year old crouch and fondled my breast, he wasn't a pedophile, no hes just a fine normal man.

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Fab Find for the holidays Every Tuesday! This week lets pick out gifts for our Significant others! And send in your ideas or join up for secret Santa! Just check out my new "Once upon a fab finding Christmas!"

You were just very mature for your age Tox

This kind of sh*t makes me so angry, whew. I always worry about my sister (she's 16) so maybe that has something to do with it. I can't even imagine how horrible it would be to have a daughter that age and know that grown men were scoping her out.

Actually every once in a while when my sister and I are out I notice some older guy giving her the up and down and it makes me so f*cking angry. Seeing as I can't go around punching people, I always have to resort to a good ol dirty look

omg tox! he should have been arrested! that is horrible that that happened to you. no he isn't "normal" hes a perv to push himself on you. that would make me want to hurt that man PERMANENTLY.

the laws are on the books because we need a cut off point. if 18 is the law then there you go. under the age of consent means you aren't expected, by law, to be responsible enough to make important choices or had no choice because of the influence of an older person. 18 works for me. anyone older than that san stay away from my girls until they are adults too. and "no" means no at any age.

Pedophilia actually has two definitions - legal and DSM-IV.

Bottom line: it's absolutely disgusting AND criminal for a 24 year old to be involved with a 13 year old. Talk about having nothing in common as well.

And incidentally, the DSM-IV defines one of the criteria for pedophilia to be:

DSM-IV Criteria for Pedophilia

Over a period of at least six months, recurrent, intense, sexually arousing fantasies, sexual urges or behaviors involving sexual activity with a prepubescent child or children (generally age 13 or younger).

Don't have to read a psych book when I've actually used the Diagnostic manual.

having breasts, menstruating and female curves doesn't make someone an adult.

When I was 13, my husband would have been 19. I can guarantee that he wouldn't have looked my way once back then. But then again, he didn't prey on little children.

When I was 13, my boyfriend would have been 8!

But five years doesn't seem to make much of a difference now that he's 26 and I'm 31. He's very grounded and I can be on the immature side.

It is true woman are three to six year older than men mind wise. You need t sit back and think what does this man see in me. You are devoted, in love and trying to make this thing work. It is impossible to persuade your parents, they feel they know best which can be true. You have to learn on your own about men and what they do and say. If you are putting your all into making this work what is he doing. Believe me it may seem as if this will work but whenever parents are involved most men will make it seem like it's more than what it is to prove someone wrong. Moving in is a big step. If you two are going to move in together it should be at a different location not his home because he will have the upper hand. What I mean is he can put you out whenever he feels like it. Don't give up on your parents because once an older man knows you have no outlet he will try to control you. Is he willing to marry you ? Is it sex? These are a lot of questions you need to ask yourself. It is your life and you do need to learn what the real world is about.

There are too many unknown factors in this case. How old is the woman? How long has she known the man? Not all older men try to control younger women.

One: The word "generally" is there for a reason. The age of physical maturation varies from girl to girl... and give yourself a cookie, I own the DSM as well.

Two: I never said a thirteen year old female is "adult" in any way. I simply said that the word "pedophilia" is being tossed around too liberally in this country. And, strictly for my own amusement purposes... what defines an 'adult mentality', exactly? A car, a career, sexual experience, shallow nonsense?

Three: A forty year old man sexually molesting you when you were 15 isn't guaranteed pedophilia. Perhaps it was the result of his mental instability & sexual need, and you happened to be the perfect target? Or perhaps he indeed was a pedophile and substituted your developing female body for a child's physique? Hey, sometimes they take what they can get. Either way, I'm not going to pretend to know the definitive answer. All I know is that, generally speaking, at age 15 a pedophile just wouldn't want you. Developing breasts and new hair growth and curving features are revolting to a pedophile. That is exactly what they don't want.

All I know is that I watch Dateline every Saturday and they take tons of guys to jail for lurking on a 13 year old. I don't understand how there's even a way to defend it. It's disgusting and illegal.

Wow perfect target thats harsh
Ill keep my mouth shut an wait till morning so Im dont go insane
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Fab Find for the holidays Every tuesday! This week lets pick out gifts for our Significant others! And send in your ideas or join up for secret santa! Just check out my new "Once apon a fab finding christmas!"

I'm keeping my mouth shut on this one seeing as how my husband is 13 years older than I am...but I met him at 21...not 13.

At 21 you are not a CHILD, MA.

Why did I just call you MA, I know your name is Shawna. Sheesh.

LOL...it's OK, Layla...I've been thinking of changing the name back anyway. As for the whole pedophile thing...if a 24 year old man is going after a minor at the age of 13, then there is something mentally wrong with him, pedophile or not. Perhaps he was never able to score with the women that were HIS age, so he thought he could manipulate an innocent girl into thinking that he had genuine feelings for her?

My point is...to make him feel better about himself.

So if lusting after a physically developed 13 year old child isn't pedophilia, what is it?

Besides being a crime of course.

I just keep picturing myself at 13 and I was a little girl.

I had boobs already but was still playing with Barbies.

Oh, I'm not denying that lusting after a 13 year old girl is pedophilia...of course it is! I guess what I'm saying is, the man obviously would have had to have other mental problems to lead up to that point of pedophilia.

I think being a pedophile is an illness all it's own, but of course I'm not a doctor.

I had no boobies I was one of those late developers.

I am sure it is different things for different people. It could be pure coincidence, it could be a lack of maturity in the older male, it could be a cultural influence, and so on & so forth.

Pedophilia is a very serious problem. The disorder doesn't just go away on it's own. And it is hardly ever with just one child... because once that child starts to physically mature, the pedophile finds himself no longer attracted to said child and must then move on to a less developed looking target.

That was for twinkle.

Mi55, is there any reason you know so much about this? Are you a psychology major or something?

I agree with Layla...curious minds want to know!