This topic speaks a lot to me, as it happened to me.

I try to remember that my success in life is defined by me, not them. I try to remember that I would have failed at accomplishing the most important thing I've ever done if I had tried to appease them and keep the relationship.

It's still very painful, even after 3 years.

my parents are sweet so i don't relate to this at all

some people's parents i know, however, are totally crazy - but i am not in the position to judge whether or not someone should cut off their parents...in extreme circumstances, okay, but overall, parental relationships are important

My parents announced to everyone at my wedding that they were so happy I was finally married because I was somebody else's problem now! (Funny, I was a 4.0 student, never got in trouble/did drugs, had a job since I was 13 since I had to earn all my own money if I wanted to buy school supplies, much less school lunch once I hit middle school, and yet they considered me a problem child). My parents made it a habit of telling me daily starting when I was a little girl how I was the cause of all their problems, how they wish I never was born. My mom has a box of receipts for all the money she ever spent on me, such as buying school clothes when I was in elementary and constantly would throw that in my face about how much I cost them.

I started to go to therapy when I got my first job after college - to discuss the mental abuse I had suffered from my parents and their hatred and jealousy of me. My therapist told me to cut them out of my life - that it is the best thing for my mental health since my parents are so abusive and are so stubborn, the therapist said they were toxic to my well being. As time passes and I realize I am happier and more confident, it makes me realize it truly is the best thing for me.

I have a toxic parent (my father) and I'm sad to say that it's easiest to deal with him when he's in jail. He always ends up in there by his own fruition, and it's the only time he really has no control over me. Otherwise the snide comments never stop. Judgmental, crass, overbearing, manipulative and loud doesn't even come close. The hardest years were the teenage years. I wasn't quite out of my shell and he was my dad, after all. But once I realized that he wants complete control, and I'd had enough one day I told him to get out of the house (he was visiting my mom and myself). Ever since then he's been better, but certainly not perfect. Thankfully, he's never physically hurt me, because that would be the end of the line. You have to be strong with those who think they are stronger and more important than everyone else. It is really tempting to cut off communication completely and I've tried, but I know it takes a brave person to actually work on the relationship if there's anything left to salvage.

SKG - I can relate to you on this one. It's our life to live, not for us to live by rules our parents set for us.

I think about this a lot. My father is a verbally abusive man who I suspect is severely depressed or bipolar. I just can't bring myself to cut him out of my life completely. Family is very important to me and when he's having a good day he's the best guy around. On the bad days I do my best to avoid him and his phone calls. Mostly I feel sorry for my mom so I appease him. It's a tough and very stressful situation.

I've fantasized about divorcing my parents. I strongly suspect that they have personality disorders -- of the narcissistic variety. Also, they both seem to draw pleasure from inflicting pain on others.

Due to family politics and personal reasons, I've decided to deal with my parents at arm's length (and only fantasize about divorcing them ). For my psychological health, I've put up some healthy boundaries.

Perhaps someday, I will divorce them, but for now, there are boundaries.

A few months ago I read a memoir by a woman who had a severely verbally abusive father.
I wish I could remember the name, I think some of you would really enjoy it and find power in it.
If you are interested mail me and I will find the book when I'm home from work.

I don't think that question can be answered. You have to know that for yourself.

Luckily I have an awesome relationship with my mom and got along with my dad okay. I had one friend where I thought it would be best if she cut her mom out of her life for at least some time. She wasn't horrible (nothing like some members here are talking about) but I just felt she should get away from that woman because she was destroying what little confidence she had. She moved to the other side of the country a few years ago and they get along now.

Family loyalty is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with (and that's on top of the emotional abuse I received from a parent). It is unbelievably difficult to realize that your mom is not protecting you, that your mother doesn't care about you, that your mother doesn't love you. The one person you are supposed to unconditionally trust in your life, is not looking out for your best interests.

I still feel guilty sometimes for cutting my mother off seven years ago. My life has definitely improved (I was told that if I went to college, I would get knocked up and drop out -- well, I graduated from college, not pregnant, am now doing very well for myself) and I know that I had to give up on the relationship.

But it still makes me sad to see my friends go shopping with their mothers and talk to them on a daily basis. I feel like I'm missing out on something.

The comments here make me realize that I'm not alone! I know that sounds silly, but I don't know anyone else who has a "toxic" relationship with their parents the way I have.

I had a very toxic family. An abusive father, who was only abusive to my mother and I (not my siblings), and a mother who wanted so badly the title of being married that she stuck up for my father and his sick behavior and even treated me badly too, sometimes. Later, when I was a young teenager, she came to me nightly, talking to me about her marital problems. I was too young to shoulder that kind of issue. I come from a very affluent family. Many members of our family own very large fashion companies and various other businesses in NYC. My whole family is one elaborate business deal. Even my name is on houses these people own as to keep it all in the family. Everyone in my family is controlled by money. While my parents are well off, and always were, especially my dad, I thought it was funny how he never had money to pay his bills (but could buy various cars, boats, toys). My dad stole money from me on more than one occasion, and once drained 10,000 dollars in one day out of my checking account when I was 17. I moved out when I was 17, but I had a job since I was a young age. I worked two jobs while I was in high school to pay my way. I put myself through college and graduated summa cum laude when I was 20 with my degrees. Long story short, did I divorce my parents? Yes. I have minimal contact with my mom, but I love her. She however needs to fix herself because she has issues. I no longer speak to my dad. I would think in my case, I have every right in the world to never want to see his face again.

I want a family, I miss my family, but they are toxic...and truly, they do not deserve me.

I relate to the toxic parents. My biological father has never been in the picture because of physical abuse to my mother. When I was 16 my alcoholic mother married an abusive alcoholic. They're still married but don't live together. My mother is now sober so she gets a relationship with her grandchildren and we get along fairly well. I went about 7 years with very limited contact. My child hood was so screwed up I could be on a therapist couch for years.

Oh, yeah! My mother is terribly toxic. Like a good daughter, after my sibling refused to have anything to do with her when we were still kids, I hung in there until I was about 32 years old. She has every issue on the planet; bipolar, manic depressive, narcissistic, personality disorder and then drinks and pops pills on top of it all. It had been a long time since I enjoyed time with my mother but always went to visit out of guilt, looking out for her happiness. Whenever I tried to express to her my feelings about her and our relationship, it did not go well and I was basically ignored. There came the fateful last straw in her behavior towards me that stripped that guilt from me like bark off of a branch. I'm 45 now and every now and then I feel sad, basically about the whole history and status of my family but I don't regret divorcing my mom. Nobody should have to put up with any kind or form of abuse,no matter who is dishing it out. That is not a right for parents. I finally feel free and I don't feel one bit guilty. I didn't cause it and I couldn't fix it (though I tried!).

I cut my mother out for 4 years. She had always been extremely difficult--had been diagnosed with bipolar disorder type 2 but instead of seeking treatment, she decided the doctor didn't know what he was talking about. She tried physical abuse once, but I was easily able to defend myself, being so much taller. But the years of mental, emotional, verbal abuse were too much--and my father never stuck up for me. Finally when she cheated on my father and left him for this other man, I cut her out. I did always feel like something was missing in my life but at the same time...it was a lot less stress. We talk now, but I live halfway across the country and hardly see her. Keeping her at arm's length is best. Everybody has to weigh the decision on their own.

I'm like Glowing Moon. My mother is completely narcissistic. I've dreamed about divorcing them but for now just keep my distance.

While my parents certainly have their issues, they are not toxic, however if they were I would definitely sever all ties and divorce them.

I sometimes think that my mom should stop having contact with my grand mother. My grand mother was a horrible mother to her. She would constantly abuse her, yet my aunts and uncles forcer her to maintain contact with her, it was for economical reasons, she works for them. The good thing is that she has never been too close to her and she always keeps her distance. I'm grateful that she didn't repeat that story with us, she was a great mother to me and my brother. Our relationship is what any mother and daughter can only dream of. But I can definitely understand the need to maintain certain family members out of your life, I think it would be helpful to my mother if she did not had to deal with my grand mother.

I have known a number of people who have toxic parent(s) - and cutting those toxic family members out of their lives always ends up being beneficial in the long run.

I can relate to HIding55. I guess this is something I struggle with from time to time. I swear my father has borderline personality disorder. He can be the best dad in the world, spend time and money on everyone he knows and then at the drop of a hat completely lose it. He'll blame you for everything, disown you, tell you that you hate him and want him dead. And then just like that he's over it and acts as though it never happened. It's really unstable. I guess I get caught up in it when things are good because I love family and I love being close. But there have been soo many times that I've said "I can't deal with this and I don't deserve this anymore." I'm trying to get things together for myself and not depend on him so much. I feel that will help me keep my distance if I need it and lessen his control. I've thought about disowning him, but I guess it's just so hard to let go of the hope that things will work out. As I get a bit older I'm starting to realize how much things have effected me. I really hate how stressed I get when he calls. I shouldn't have to feel that way about answering a call from my dad.

My mother is the BEST mother anyone could ever ask for. HANDS down.
My father, well....i will speak not ill of the deceased. But, he had some issues. Big issues. And lucky for me, i inherited them all.

I want to thank you all for being so articulate.
I suffered greatly at my mother's hands. Went to boarding school at age nine and migrated to another country at 16. Wished her dead and in the meantime slooowly helped get my siblings out of there; they all live abroad now. Parents were involved in my life, remotely, but I needed them for nothing. My mum has been toxic throughout.
But my dad loves me, so I came back home to get to know them so that you know I wouldn't have regrets someday. The woman sucks so bad, but of course less than when I was a defenseless child.
Then a few days ago we had a talk. I decided to be reconciled. I feel better because it's really hard to hate someone, and because it's necessary research for a character in a novel I'm writing with whom I previously couldn't sympathize.
Since that day (I can't remember the day even. Am I taking this forgiveness seriously enough?) I have had a new life of not hating her and wishing die die die and of even seeing good things in her and trying to give her credit. Hey she made some effort.

This is regarding Tidalwave's comment. I am an only child with a mom that sounds a little like yours and I know so well the feeling of wanting a "mamma" to go shopping with and out to lunch, etc. It would bring tears to my eyes to see moms & daughters walking together laughing and being "normal". When my daughters got older and we'd be shopping I realized I can still have those special moments with my own girls. Actually I've re-parented myself along with my children by being the mom to them that I needed from my own mom. It really soothes the pain, for me anyway. Best of luck.
Vicki