Tell him he is shut off until he starts pulling his weight around the house. Good luck. You shouldn't have to take care of the baby and the house with no help from him.

I love how other woman are so supportive on this site...it is so wonderful!

"It's like a JUNGLE sometimes..."

All i have to say is that if i was unfortunate enough to be married to someone with that idiotic attitude towards women (I've come across a few guys who had the exact same narrow-minded thought and all i can say is thank god i'm not married to one like that)i'd be showing his sorry a$$ the door.

It sounds like you are just an overworked, stressed out new mommy. Men don't quite know what women go through when they become a new mom. They are expected to be a wife, a mother and a lover.

Have you expressed your feelings to your husband? Not in a screaming, upset, frustrated kind of way. But really sit down with him with the tv off, the baby asleep and tell him how tired you really are. Men have a way of thinking all women are super women. They have an idea in their head that their moms took care of everything; their wife should be built the same way. However, this is not the case.

You need to set up a game plan with your husband. Look at it as if it was a football game. You can’t just run into the game without having set plays. Your husband helped produce that child as much as you did; it is time for him to step up. If that means you need him to watch the baby every Saturday so you can get some shopping for the house in, then that is his job. Tell him what you need to have done. Explain to him “Sweetie, it would help me out so much if you could keep the house cleaned up for me/trash taken out/or get dinner for us on Fridays..” etc.

As for getting some alone time together and being husband and wife, you may have to put that on hold for a while. It is just something every new parent goes through. Set a weekend in advance that you can have a grandparent watch the baby for 24 hours so you can just get a night alone together. Make that a monthly thing. Create your moment together and it could rekindle the fire between you too.

I also think that your suggestion for seeing counseling will help. Try a new parent support group. There are so many people in your same exact situation; they may have discovered things that worked for them that could work for you.

Good Luck!

Sounds like he won't initiate help - so instead of waiting for it (and yes, I know, that's annoying as anything) - make a list - and set up his duties -

And as far as sex is concerned - obviously a healthy relationship needs physical intimacy, but it should be in amounts that both people agree with.

I've had the same problems with you too.

I tried talking to him, but of course, he'd promise to help out more, but in reality, after a week or so, he'd resort to his old way.
I think it's mainly because my spouse thinks that homemaker is my "job," therefore I should be a mother/spouse/housekeeper at the same time (since he's the "provider").

It depends on your spouse's personality as well, though, so I ended up doing what apsara suggests. I make a mental list and actually tell him what to do It works much better because he'll have to do it (well, of course include "please," and "thank you" in your vocab so that he'll feel "appreciated.") and I get less frustrated.
Learn to ask him to do stuff, okay?

As for sex, I'll be honest, I don't know what to suggest because I'd LOVE to have more sex if possible, he's the one who's always tired after work, etc...

I'm not married nor do I have kids, so I can only relay stories to you about other marrieds I know. I'm guessing that your hubby is not just some selfish pig, but that he has NO CLUE what it's like to be you. Maybe you should show him what it's like.

I have a married friend who went thru the exact same thing with her hubby. He wasn't an *sshole, he just had no idea what kind of load she was carrying or how self-centered he was being. So she decided to teach him a lesson: she "mr. mom'ed" him She got so fed up she booked herself a little "vacation" to my house. She got up early one morning, and while her hubby was coming down expecting breakfast, she was at the door with her bags packed. She handed him a list of her kids activities, a list of allergies and emergency numbers, and said, "I'll be back in a week." Of course, he protested, but she got in the car and drove off anyway. true to her word, she didn't come back for a week. her parents checked in on her hubby or course, but they offered no help. Her hubby left her angry messages on her cellphone like, "I don't get off until 5, who's supposed to pick up the kids from school?" She wanted to rush in and save him, because he sounded so desperate, but she resisted the urge.

She said it was the hardest thing she had to do, but she knew he wouldn't do any harm to the kids. yeah, they ate takeout for a week, and they missed a couple of baths and soccer games and their hair was a mess, but they lived. When she returned home, her hubby had flowers and a nice card and apologized for being so unappreciative. he said he had no clue how much she balanced between work and him and the kids.

You may not be comfortable with the idea, but maybe "disappearing' for a spell (maybe a day or two) might be a little more effective than just talking to your hubby. When women talk to men about their feelings, men just do get it. You have to appeal to their logic, and sometimes, the only way to get a mans attention is taking a drastic measure.

Ooooh...cgmaetic makes an excellent argument. Try that! If nothing else, it will give you a much-need break! I was in a relationship like this (thankfully, no babies) and the only thing that worked was major King Kong tantrums, but then the good behaviour only ever lasted a few days at the most. In the end, I realised he was never going to get it, so I left.

He works just 9-5, he probably feels useful and appreciated in his job. In yours, I'm guessing you work round the clock and since you dont have coworkers, he's the one that needs to make sure you feel valued. Appeal to his logic, say you want to finish work at the same time he does, so some things for the house you will have to share.

As for the sex, he needs to know that foreplay starts at breakfast!

He's not another child to take care of.

I have often wondered why women (myself included) somehow take over most of the household duties.

He needs to be sensitive to how you feel. Has he flat-out refused to help with the housework, or does he act-out in ways such as doing the housework poorly on purpose, or promising to but then "forgetting"?

A lot of good comments here. I'm in the same boat, but our kids are teenagers, and I work full-time outside the home at a more demanding job (with a longer commute) than my husband.

I know no-one wants to hear it, but to be fair, if you don't work outside the home, homemaking *is* your job. And yes, it's very difficult to juggle everything, and developing new routines around a baby is a real challenge for everyone involved. Metaphorically beating each other up is not the answer.

First, the SOs need specifics. They really don't know what help you need, even if it's obvious to you. Choose the tasks you delegate carefully, and pick things that are hard to screw up. Even after 22 years of marriage, I wouldn't let mine do my laundry, or my delicates would probably be washed with the jeans and shredded. I still tend to ask him to take out the "trash *and* recycling" because if I don't, I think he'll only get the one I specify.

Second, and equally important, rank your priorities. My family always has clean clothes, but they may have to rummage through the basket in the laundry room for socks and undies. I am definitely not a good housekeeper! I think good meals and family time--and down time for me--are more important than an immaculate home. Yes, it bugs me, but I'll get over it. I'm less stressed now than when I stayed up late cleaning and washing dishes.

Find ways to streamline your routines. For instance, I clean the shower on Saturday mornings, when I'm in it. I hang clothes up straight out of the dryer, and I don't iron. Kids are responsible for fetching and putting away their own stuff (but I remind them). I have a few simple and easy dinner plans for when I'm too tired to think. (Always keep boneless chicken breasts and meatballs and/or hamburger patties in the freezer!) Friday night is generally carryout or pizza and TV night (because by then, I'm frazzled).

Remember, this is just one of many stages in life. It will pass, but the next one will be just as challenging. Personally, my biggest problem is still learning how to be flexible and relax.

Talk to him!!! If he is a typical male he really has no clue about what goes on when he isn't around... Take a couple of hours for yourself. Leave the baby with your hubby and go get a massage. He will figure out really fast how much work a baby is. Then when you get back sit down and really talk with him about how you need his help and support. With a little work you both will find your balance.

Good luck!!!!!

Hello - I went throught the exact samething after our son was born. I didn't get any sleep for two years. I would an hour here and there but, nothing like an all night rest. I took care of our son, the animals we have, the house and my husbands needs. He worked and wanted dinner and then sex. He never really knew what I was going through. Our son is now going to be ten in December and still likes me to put him to bed until he falls asleep. I do not turn down these cuddles as I know soon he will be ok going to bed on his own. It seems they are in competition for my time now which breaks my heart when the disagree. I finally had to have a long talk with him but, that did not help. I love him and go with the flow. I stopped doing MAJOR stuff like yard work even as much as I love to grow flowers and take care of the landscaping. I'm leaving it all up to him. I guess my I would have to tell you how I feel about the whole situation. I love our son and don't what to loose out on the precious years as he is growing up. My son and I travel a lot. We do everything together. If my husband wants to play the emotion card with me he will have to either join us or he will have to wait I will not give up time with our son. I do plan little surprises for my husband like his favorite dinner and after some nice alone time even if it has to be in my bathroom so that our son does not walk in on us... It is a hard time but it will get better. I wish you the best of luck ...Sandy

You said your significant other, but you did not mention if he contributes to the household or if he even lives in your home. You especially did not mention if you two are in a relationship, or if he's just your child's father, or your fiancee. It's one thing to have a child with a man, not live with him, yet let him act like he DOES live there and continue to sleep with him. It's ANOTHER THING to be in an adult relationship, have a child, and have your partner not participate in the household or with his child in anyway, then expect sex at the end of the day. It sounds like you do everything and he does nothing. I also think the level of your relationship makes my answers vary, especially after u mention therapy.

IMO- YOu have to think about your hapiness and your child's well-being. A relationship takes two and requires compromise.

Camarogirl67 - off the subject, but I have ended up taking over most of the house work because if I want it done timely, Fiance is not the one to ask. he'll do it, all right, but in a week. I cannot wait a week for the dishes to be washed - we have no dishwasher. He washes darks with lights, doesn't use bleach/alternative for the whites/towels, and never uses fabric softener. I've started making him do his own clothes and now we have DISHES written on the dry erase board in the kitchen in sharpie, and everyday whoever does dishes, they put their initial by it. He started doing them more often when he realized that every day there was always an E by it. We also have a big office calender hung up in there and on every day I write down everything I did that day. The problem I have is that he works 4pm-12am and I work 8am-5pm - he can get up at whatever hour he wants and he starts his day out by reading a book, meditating for 1-2 hours and THEN he starts his day. I have to get up at 5:30 to take the dogs out (okay so he takes them out at some point before he reads), feed them, get in the shower, take the dogs out again so they can poop and then get ready and go to work. When I come home, if I want clean dishes, I have to wash them. It's really more of a question of which is more stressful - spending the 20 minutes to do the dishes, or the 2 hour fight we'll have because he thinks that if he does them once, we share the chores.

i think you should sit down with your husband. Tell him how you feel, or, write a letter. make sure that if he doesnt begin to pick up the slack you suggest a counselor again. then the rest is really how you feel.

You need to leave your husband with the baby and go get a massage. You also need to clearly define your roles in the house and outline who does what when. Most men do not know what they should be doing - especially if their role models (parents) had one of those traditional 1950's style relationships. As a father and husband I can honestly admit that most men do not get how taxing a new child and the housewife role can be. Any man who won't help with the household chores - ie cleaning, cooking, taking care of the baby and essential home repair tasks - needs to grow the freak up.

Do not nag him to do things - work together to create a list of things he's responsible for. Of all the comments above I'd say read and re-read Lainetm

Okay, i went through the same thing, although we have no children, BUT i did know he was a lazy procrastinating slob when i married him and so i cannot complain. You cant force him to change, when you knew how he was, so I do the household chores, and he rubs my feet.

Cut him off until he starts pulling his weight. be as specific as possible about what he needs to do (dusting, dishes, bathrooms, yardwork) and that he needs to spend time caring for his child, not just playing. He needs to grow up, bigtime. Real men do diapers.