Dear E. Jean--
I feel as though my life ended when my Ex left this world.
After months of confusion and asking others for advice, I've reached my breaking point. My Ex-boyfriend, whom I deeply cared for, passed away 5 months ago. I’ve been dating a wonderful man for almost 9 months now and was with him when I heard the news of my Ex-boyfriend's passing.
It completely consumed me! For days I cried and felt totally lost. The night I found out, my boyfriend was sympathetic. But the next morning, things completely shifted. He called me from work and told me to stop sounding “so awful,” to “cheer up” and to “move on.” (The news had only struck about 10 hours before.) He asked me how I could feel sorry for a man who wasn't that great of a boyfriend to me, who died in a "careless" fashion, and who was "spoiled". There was always something negative coming out of his mouth about him.
I promise you, I wasn’t walking around the house dressed in black. It took all my courage to keep the grief inside. From Day One, I’d wake in the middle of the night crying. I secretly sobbed on the couch for weeks. I’d just seen my Ex about 3 weeks before he passed and had a lovely dinner with him. This last wonderful meeting was the only thing that kept me going, kept me alive. Knowing I didn't have the guilt of not spending some time with him before he died, lessened the pain somewhat. But my current boyfriend’s behavior is worsening it.
Now I’ve begun thinking about why I’d broken things off with my Ex . . . if perhaps I should have stayed with him and maybe then he wouldn't have died.
My boyfriend and I are planning on becoming engaged; but I can't help but wonder: Is this "perfect man” I’m about to marry just an illusion? I don’t like it that he can’t be there with me through the bad. What does that mean for our future? We’ve talked at length about the chance that he could be insecure, jealous, etc.; but he insists that he isn't. I told him to stop feeling jealous of a ghost. This only made things worse.
I'm not afraid of being alone. I love who I'm with; but I'm scared. I can't talk about my Ex, or his death, in anyway because he gets angry and tells me to stop “obsessing.” This isn't helping the grieving process one bit.
What's worse is that I find myself dreaming about him coming back to life, laughing at what a fun time he’s having in heaven; and how he wants to come back and see everyone again. I dream about the time that I was with him, the intimate moments we shared. I know that I loved him, and that's what's hurting me the most. He also told me during that last dinner that he felt like his life would be different if I was still with him, that he made some mistakes with me and wished he could take them back, and that I was like no other woman he'd ever met. I still felt a connection with him, but I made no move to ruin my current relationship.
Do you think I'll ever be able to move past this? Do you think I'll ever stop fantasizing over him and accept my real life? And how do I know that my current boyfriend will be there for me when things go badly? Did all real possibility of love die with my Ex? --- In A Sea of Grief
To see E. Jean's answer read more
MY DARLING MISS SEA:
Alas! Of all the holes in the human heart, this is the hardest to patch. Your Ex is dead. But it turns out you not only loved this marvelous man, you’re falling in love with him all over again -- but this time you’ve plunging more deeply, more wildly, more fiercely. (And no wonder . . . your grief is tumultuous, God knows; but when you add in the tender fact that the fellow believed you were “like no other woman” -- No Other Woman! ! some of the most magic words a man can utter -- love and regret become almost uncontrollable) Plus, he was a great guy. (If he was a lousy twit, you wouldn’t be suffering.)
Alas, your current boyfriend can not compete with this stunning, perfect, sexy, handsome, brilliant rival. So when your current chap says “stop obsessing,” he means, “stop loving the dead guy.”
My advice: You’re not ready to become engaged. Do not make any romantic decisions now. The man to whom you’re “about to be” betrothed is much less real to you than your dead beloved. (Indeed you actually ask the question: “Is this ‘perfect man’ I’m about to marry just an illusion?”)
Over time your grief, sadness and yearning will lessen. Your dead beloved will recede from your fantasies. How much time? Auntie Eeee can’t tell you. America’s greatest philosopher, Ralph Waldo Emerson, lost his beautiful 20-year old wife, Ellen, to tuberculosis. Fourteen months after her death, Emerson was still so unhinged with love and wanting her back, he went to the family vault and opened her coffin.
Seeing the deadness and decay of his beautiful Ellen gave Emerson (this is my guess -- no one knows for certain) a powerful belief in the life of the spirit. I’m telling you about Emerson, because Emerson is the champion of “Self-Reliance.” And, my darling, to “move past this” and “accept your real life” your power will come from your nonconformity to other people’s law, gospel, and bull-hockey about “obsessions.”
Good luck, and let Auntie Eeee and all your well-wishers at Dear Sugar know how you’re doing.
To see more advice from E. Jean visit Elle Magazine and AskEJean.com
Brian Atwood
Butterfly
Graeme Black
There is a word there in your post that you seem to have problems dealing with. Ex. He was your ex boyfriend for more than 5 months before his death if he truly cared for you or you were meant to be together he wouldn't have been your ex. I can totally understand where your boyfriend is coming from. Put yourself in his shoes and imagine how you would feel if he was pining for a lost lover. You might feel that you are putting on a brave face but to someone who loves you your devastation is obvious. Lastly if you are questioning your relationship this way and you are still hung up over a dead boyfriend you shouldn't even be thingking about marriage to your current boyfriend. It's not fair to him or to you to commit to something without being sure.
1Wow, E. Jean you amaze me every time. Loved the reference to Emerson.
2In a Sea of Grief...E.Jean gave some great words, and I hope you are able to recover soon. ♥
3E. Jean, you sum everything up with those fantastic words. i totally agree with you and this advice was great for Sea.
4Wow, what a moving response. Emerson sounds like the ultimate romantic. I would take Eee's advice and wait before becoming engaged, you are still grieving over your loss.
5I have to say, I agree with what nyaradzom2001 said. I'm sure your current boyfriend is wondering why in the world you are feeling so terribly over an ex. I'm sure it doesn't make him feel good or secure about your relationship. You definitely should not be getting married, or even engaged, any time soon. That really wouldn't be fair to either of you.
That being said, I also agree with what E. Jean said. Sometimes it's not easy dealing with the death of a loved one, even an ex. Grieving is such a hard & long process to go through. You might even consider getting some counseling. A good friend of mine did, after the death of a loved one, and just knowing & having the steps/process explained really helped her. A therapist might also be able to help you with your clearly unresolved issues and feelings for you ex. They might also be able to help you with your current boyfriends feelings & actions, so that you will know better how to deal with him.
I really hope you find some peace & until you do I'll send positive thoughts & prayers your way. Hang in there.
6this is my story, only it happened 4 yrs ago - tomorrow. E's advice is perfect. the fantasy and love for him will never go away, but I have come to realize that the break-up was God's way of protecting me. I believe I would have never recovered if the accident took place on my watch. Time mends all, but you have to keep your head as you give yourself time. you need to find someone to talk to about your Ex, maybe someone that also knew him. someone besides your current boyfriend. you must imagine from your boyfriend's point of view - if your Ex wasnt dead and you talked about him always, you would have some issues. just remember that your boyfriend wants to say the right things to you, even if it doesnt come out that way. life is short, and life is for the living. so grieve as you need to, but always look to the future.
7I'm sorry to hear about your loss. But also, I understand where your bf is coming from when he tries to get you to stop "obsessing". It's hard to compete with a ex, and even worse to compete with a ghost. Your bf is probably feeling your vibe of you "falling in love" with your ex again. That's not a great feeling to know you're heart doesn't completely belong him. He's probably not trying to be super mean about things, but he doesn't want you to fall out of love with him most likely....
But is it really love you have for your ex? Or are you just dreaming of what good things COULD have been? Cuz you REALLY don't know how things might have turned out if you stayed with him.
He became your ex for a reason, right?
Reality with that ex could be muuuuuch different than what you're dreaming about. You WANT TO see the good times that you coulda had cuz you don't wanna believe that he passed away, but what about the things that made you break up? That's the reality. That what you would have in that relationship if you were still together. Not what you're dreaming about.
You obviously need some grieving time, but don't neglect your current lover. He needs you too. I also agree with everyone in waiting for engagement until your heart is fully ready. Good luck with everything
8I think in times like this you get stuck on the "what if" and you can't see the "what it really is" for whatever reason you and he ended, you moved on once, and you'll do it again in your own time. I see your BFs jealousy but I don't get his lack of understanding. Boyfriend or not you still cared about him, he was a friend obviously, and at one point your only love, it is natural to grieve and feel a deep loss. Just don't let it interfere with your current relationship. Greive, cry, scream, do whatever it takes, but don't cause yourself to push away the love and the boyfriend you have here on Earth. Nothing will bring him back, but also don't let anyone stand in the way of your mourning. Its a difficult time.
9if you are grieving over the loss of a friend, then he should be more understanding. I couldn't imagine my bf not being there for me while I'm grieving over a close friend. However, you are so clearly not over your ex, and were never over your ex. You should have never started a new relationship,it's not fair to your current boyfriend. This is like reading a romantic tragedy, where you're the fair maiden who is searching for her lost love.....you get it.
Bottom line: after reading this, while I feel for the fact that you lost a "friend", your boyfriend deserves a whole lot better.
Eventually, he'll leave. How would you feel in his position? Honestly? Then you can play the what-if game with him too. He was an ex for a reason. Try focusing on that, and on what a great guy you have now, since he obviously dealt with you crying yourself awake for FIVE MONTHS over some guy who obviously hurt you again and again, and is apparently some saint now. Take him off this pedestal that he doesn't deserve, and quit being so melodramatic.
This is harsh, but I'm surprised so many women are being sympathetic about this.
10Right on Orientexp! Sea needs a quick reality check and a swift kick in the pants before the real boyfriend leaves her.
11Wow E.Jean...what great advice you always give...but this was the all time best.
Sea, it will take time but you will heal but you are definitely not ready to be in a serious relationship right now. You might want to talk with a pyschologist about this so you're more able to sort it all out before losing your current boyfriend.
Good luck!
12An ex boyfriend of mine was shot and killed two streets away from me not too long ago. I never stopped caring for him or loving the fact that he was a part of my life, but I didn't let it affect the relationship I have with my husband. He was caring and understanding during my grieving period, although I knew it made him uncomfortable.
With that said, I think both you and your bf need to move on. You need time to grieve and find someone more understanding, and he needs to find someone that doesn't have emotional baggage from the previous relationship.
13A similar thing happend to me 3 years ago. I hadn't been dating my ex for almost 2 years, and I had moved on to a different guy, whom I am still with today. My ex and I only dated for about a year, and we had a pretty decent breakup as far as breakups go. We still remained close, and about 5 months after we broke up, I hooked my bestfriend up with him. They were perfect together. Then one day, three years ago, he was driving and there was an accident. He died, she lived. I was overcome with the worst guilt and grief that you could ever imagine. I just kept thinking, "If only I hadn't set them up, he might still be alive" and that's something that still torments me at times. But it's been three years, and I know now that hooking them up was the best thing I've ever done, because they really did love eachother, and they were both happy.
14But after he died, my current boyfriend didn't really want to hear everything either. I just kept thinking about the time that my ex and I shared. Then I realized that it wasn't really fair for my current boyfriend to have to listen to me pining away over someone. Especially someone that I had gotten over while he was alive. I guess when an ex dies, it just bring back all that emotion that you felt.
I'm really sorry about your ex, and for the fact that this post is so long, but just know that you are in my thoughts. You can't bring your old boyfriend back, but you can love the one you are with now. And don't feel guilty about it either, I'm sure your ex would want you to be happy, just like you want him to be happy in Heaven.
how could you expect your current bf to support you in this? too much. would sit around and mourn with him if the situation were reversed? i think the current bf deerves someone who can 1) live in the now, no continually look back and wonder what could have been, 2) doesn't go to dinner with an ex behind his back, 3) doesn't think he has to be the "perfect man".
you sound very selfish actually. you broke up with one man and as soon as you got to the point of commitment with another went back to the first, just to see..... now you are angry because this man might not be "perfect" and he doesn't want to hear you mourn the love that might have been.
15I agree. I feel sorry for her boyfriend. if the situation was reversed, it be a whole other story.
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17You are such a "Mama Love" when you want to be, E. Jean. Your advice is compassionate, loving, and totally right on. HUGS!
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