Welcome to Hump Day, TrèsSugar's sex advice column. Are you confused about sex? Do you have trouble having an orgasm? Is there something you'd like to try but you're worried it's too weird? Send your questions to TrèsSugar, and our friend Dr. Charlie Glickman from Good Vibrations will offer his sound advice!
Today's Question:
"I'm in my early 20s and just started dating this guy I feel wildly attracted to, but he says he doesn't perform oral sex ever. He says it's 'too subservient,' and he doesn't like the taste. He definitely likes to receive it, and I kind of like to give it, but I feel torn. Is this normal? OK? Or is this guy a jerk?"
To hear what Dr. Glickman has to say, read more.
Some people adore giving oral sex and others have zero interest in it. I suggest letting go of the idea of “normal” and focus on what works for both of you. Is your boyfriend a jerk? If he’s generally considerate about most things, or if he mostly acts in ways that shows that he cares for and respects you, then I think that’s a very different situation than if he’s generally rude, selfish, or self-centered. Take a step back from the oral sex part of the equation and make an honest appraisal of all aspects of your relationship.
Assuming that he’s not a jerk, there are a few possibilities oral sex turns him off.
Some men have absorbed the message that vaginas are "dirty." If we (men and women) weren't taught somewhere that vaginas were icky, Eve Ensler wouldn’t have felt the need to create the Vagina Monologues. And even when we intellectually know that those messages aren’t true, they are incredibly tenacious. Does your boyfriend seem like he’s turned off by your vulva in general or does he avoid seeing it or touching it? If so, perhaps there are some deeper issues at play. On the other hand, if he enjoys pleasuring you in other ways, then perhaps it’s a sexual preference, rather than vulva-phobia.
Oral sex can have connotations of submission for many. Ask him what he finds “subservient” about it. If it’s about a specific position, maybe there’s a different way for you to do it, like 69ing, or having mutual oral sex, since you’d each be “serving” the other. Another possibility is that your boyfriend might be concerned about being good at oral sex, but afraid to ask for directions.
Fortunately, there are some great books and DVDs to help him out, if lack of knowledge is what’s blocking him. Tristan Taormino's Expert Guide to Oral Sex #1 - Cunnilingus is an excellent how-to DVD with lots of great tips and suggestions. If you or he prefers a book to a DVD, there’s Violet Blue’s Ultimate Guide To Cunnilingus. I’m also a fan of She Comes First: The...Guide To Pleasuring A Woman, although it’s not only about oral sex.
With all of these possibilities, the best advice I can give you is to ask him for more information about why oral sex doesn’t float his boat. The more you know about what’s going on for him, the easier it’ll be for you to decide what you want to do.
Vila
Acne Jeans
by Terry
I'm bothered by the fact that this guy says performing oral sex on you is "too subservient," but seems to have no issues with subservience when it comes to having you perform it on him.
1what a prick!
2Yah. My rule of thumb is to never date a guy who doesn't like to give oral sex. I personally think it says a lot about a guy. How he treats women, how he thinks of women, how he doesn't care much about pleasuring a sexual partner...
3It does sound like he doesn't care about making you happy.....
4Yeah - bottom line doesn't want to make you completely happy. (This is not something that would hurt him to do.)
This is a sexual relationship that is not going to go well and then will spill over into other areas of the relationship.
5Maybe he doesn't have that much experience with it? Talking to him about it more and more is your best bet if he is otherwise a good guy. If not, then move on if it's something you can't live without. For me this wouldn't be a deal breaker if the guy was a good bf. There are so many other ways to get off.
6I agree with the ladies. He sounds very selfish. I wonder if this guy has an addiction to porn. I have a friend who's partner is the same way and he had an addiction problem for years. He has that same view that vaginas are dirty. Porn is so male oriented, you know? When have we ever seen a woman really orgasm in a porn movie? Even if this woman can overcome not getting blowjobs and can achieve orgasm another way, the selfishness factor and the subservience issue is a big one that will come up again and again in their relationship.
7Absolutely ridiculous. I agree with everyone above me - if he's more concerned with looking "too subservient" than he is about making you happy, then I say let him go. There are plenty of good guys out there who'll not only treat you well outside the bed, but inside too.
8I agree with the first poster, roseate, he doesn't like giving it but has no problems getting it? No way Jose!!! Oral sex isn't a deal breaker, but if he thinks it's too subservient to go down on you, but doesn't have a problem receiving it, then that's a big problem!
9i didnt know there were still people out there who dont give oral in 2009 let alone feel its "too subservient"...please, moving right along.
10I agree with pretty much everyone. Especially #1 and #9. Maybe you should tell him that you have a problem with giving him oral when he doesn't give it to you, and then stop doing it. It's not fair that you should have to do it when he doesn't.
11Too subservient? Big words for a little...tell him to get serviced by a sex service worker then!
12He seems like a selfish dick. Tell him no sex for him until he goes down on you. And if he doesn't, dump the prick, there are much better guys out there. I mean, sex shouldn't be a deal breaker, but... this says a lot about his character.
13i would dump any guy who wont do that no matter how great he is, and honestly if he isnt willing to do that to make you happy, then you shouldnt be with him.
14Dee tee em eff ay. I mean, yeah, talk with him and find out what's up, but any man who calls it "subservient" has issues with women. And if he cares about you, he should be able to talk about it in more loving terms.
15Yeah, he's a major prick. You should be the one deciding whether or not you want him to do it. If you like it, he should like making you happy. He sounds like a chauvinist.
16I can't help but imagine if the rolls were reversed and it was a guy and his girl friend didn't enjoy giving him blow jobs? Would you girls all be telling him that she's a b*tch and he should dump her ass?
17I don't know if it's so much the fact that he doesn't like to do it, as it is he says it's "subservient" and he expects her to still do it, Hiding.
18I know personally, my boyfriend doesn't like to do it. And he probably never will. But never once has he said it's beneath him or anything to that effect.
But this guy seems to have some sort of superiority complex..."I'm not low enough to do it to you, but I sure as hell want to receive!" That's what the issue is.
I'd talk to him. If that doesn't work, and you're still really bothered by it, then I'd consider moving on.
I'm really kind of irritated by the way the other posters responded to your question. Calling this guy a prick and saying hes selfish and that no matter how great he is you should just move on. ALL RIDICULOUS. The only thing that bothers me about your problem is the wording he chose when telling you why he doesnt like doing it (subservient). But I'll tell you what - I was with my boyfriend (now fiance) for over a year before he went down on me. I thought it would never happen and I thought he was all of those bad things the other posters are saying because of it. Well, hes not. Actually he had never gone down on a girl before (at the age of 22) because his first girlfriend was never interested in it and then he was single for so long he wasnt doing it. He explained to me that going down on someone is very intimate and he was so used to not doing it (with random hookups or one nights stands etc) that he just didnt with me. It took a while for him to get used to the idea and then it took a while for him to actually enjoy it, but now he does it on a fairly regular basis because it makes me happy. You just need to give the guy a chance!!!! Please do not break up with someone you really like because of something sexual - it can (probably) be fixed!!! And the problem will only get worse if you start to think of him as a selfish prick because then you will just get mad about it and not be able to actually talk about it!
19Agreed. It's definitely the "too subservient" part that makes the red flag go up. So is it also beneath him to take care of you when sick and throwing up or when your car breaks down and you need a ride? If you can't be intimate with a person for that reason it makes me wonder what else he won't do. I personally don't like receiving oral sex. I am too self conscious I suppose, but my boyfriend enjoys giving and so do I, it's so great directly pleasing someone.
And hiding55, I know a girl that refuses to give bjs and she is a complete b*tch, totally the female version of what I imagine this guy to be. Wouldn't come off her high horse to help anyone out, but expects people to drop everything for her.
20I actually like to give it, but don't really like receiving. Its just so personal down there. What if I didn't smell or taste good? For me I would prefer a bf who just use his hands and penis. My bf likes to go down once in a while and I let him, but I almost never get any satisfaction out of it I guess I am self conscious about that part of my body.
21My bf won't give it either. So...screw him! HE WON'T GET IT EITHER! He's 50 damn years old...maybe too old to want to - I don't know. But, you get with you give. You give nothing - you get nothing.
22See, I think if you have the mentality you get what you give then you just get stuck. If youre never giving to him then why will he give to you? ANd obviously vice versa, but why not try to just have a conversation about it outside of the bedroom and explain your feelings? Sex shouldnt be withheld as punishment...
23@ Hiding55 - I know that if a guy was all "my girlfriend won't give me blowjobs because she says they are demeening, however, I give her oral all the time", I know I'd call her a beeotch and tell him to stop going down on her or dump her for being selfish in bed. It goes both ways I think.
24@Clareberrys (#19) - There's a difference between a guy not going down on a girl because he thinks it's too intimate to do too soon, or just feels out of practice and hasn't warmed up to it yet, and a guy saying he won't because it's subservient. The first is kinda cute since he wants it to have meaning and be special for the girl, the second is just a guy being selfish because he doesn't want to do something for a woman that doesn't yield him pleasure.
and @23: Why should a guy that refuses to go down on a girl for somewhat selfish reasons DESERVE a girl going down on him? You reap what you sew, and it doesn't sound like he's been sewing what reaps oral for him.
25F that! lol.
It should be equal.
My bf sometimes doesnt want to do it on me and I have to remind him that he needs to make me happy.
I please him, in every way possible but if you neglect my oral needs, which I greatly enjoy, then you're out.
lol.
no...lol. But you know what I mean, its a 50/50 deal.
26And he's still your boyfriend???? Buh-Bye!
27I think your boyfriend's a jerk. It's too subservient for a man to please his partner in bed sometimes? Give me a break!!! I don't even like oral sex, but it means a lot to me that my boyfriend offers (and continues to offer, even after I say no). Everyone deserves a guy who cares about his partner's pleasure. That includes you!
28I've never met a guy who wasn't willing to go down on me but I'm not sure how I would handle it... probably not well.
29About this whole 'subservience' thing... will he give you a back/foot rub? Make you a cup of tea? Let your dog out? Test him and see. If he'll carry out any of these 'subservient' little chores for you then he's probably got other reasons for not wanting to go down on you.
I'm all about equality in a relationship but sometimes it's FUN to be served. Sometimes it's fun TO serve. Being equal to me means taking turns being the boss.
To the girls who say they're self conscious... here's my advice. Watch your diet. You are what you eat, after all. Eat lots of fruit and yogurt. Avoid beer, cigarettes, spicy food, and processed/fast/fatty food. Also keep this in mind- most guys don't taste so great either, but we chicks deal with it, right?
Dump him now. Even if he is the sweetest, smartest..blah blah...My issue with him is that he is judging all girls by one or two an it's so immature. Just say bye and be done. I used to be this sweet angel who could never offer such radical advice but then i had amazing hook ups and sex ..and I can't go back to lame people ever
30Meh. Tell him you don't like giving head because you see it as "objectifying" or that you don't like feeling "subservient."
31for the taste I would flick a flavoured condom at the guy and tell him to snip it in half and use it as a dam.
I can call anyone a prick, if they deserve the title. You were supposed to make a comment on what you thought about it, not a comment on other people's comments. lol
32As the Dr. stated ask questions. When I married my wife she had a problem with oral sex, I loved to perform this, however I asked questions to find out why she did not like it. Turns out she had been taught that it was dirty. Once we got past that, she has opened up more and has no problem now with me going down on her.
33If after talking to your guy, he cannot reveal the issue, then move on, he might be a jerk. Remember relationships are a two way street of give and take.
Oral is one of the most beautiful feelings in the world, both giving and receiving. First of all I suggest you communicate and speak about it, but if you can't resolve this then it is time to move on. Sooner would be easier than later. At the moment you are missing out on so much.
As for myself, oral is the only way I climax in partner sex, I don't have a problem with this but no one has ever I will ever penetrate me without giving me oral first.
34I'm bringing up some things I haven't seen anyone else mention here yet: national origin and religion. After living in a variety of countries, I learned (much to my disappointment!)that the widespread acceptance of cunnilingus is pretty much limited to Northern/Western Europe and North America. Many, many people in other parts of the world, both male and female, view it as "dirty" or perverse or believe that it's forbidden by their religion. But, I've noticed that most of the men have no qualms whatsoever about accepting oral sex, only about giving it! Hypocrisy and male chauvinism live on... For me, a man who would expect me to give but wouldn't reciprocate, would be given his walking papers. And, the more women who take this attitude, the more men who'll have to educate themselves and open their minds about women's bodies. (Note to[many, many] African, Middle Eastern and Asian men: You think "your" women are attracted to foreign guys because of their money, but this issue very much figures in the balance! Once a woman's had an enlightened man gladly taste and adore THAT part of her body, she can't go back to doing without it! And, find us a place where the Quran, Hadith, etc. explicitly state that this practice is forbidden - you can't! You just like to vaguely claim so, in order to not have to make the effort to please us, and/or to preserve your fragile egos. After all, it's hard to relinquish the cherished idea that simply banging away at us with your penises should provide all the pleasure a woman needs.)
35My wife doesnt give me oral sex. Should I dump her and find someone else?
36My fiance whom I am marrying in one month. doesn't like to give or receive, as he feels we shouldn't be putting our mouths, where we urinate from. I love to give and receive oral I have always loved it since the first time. so now i have to deal with this. and come to terms with it that I will never receive oral again. because I love him as a man. I don't know how to get him to enjoy it. any idea's
37Please excuse the second posting here. I think the above latest poster may have problems later on if this is not resolved, paticulalry as she loves oral. I have had relations with both sexes in the past and there is nothing unpleasant about oral with either providing of course normal hygiene practices are observed.
I don't orgasm from penetration so to me oral is particularly important. If the most recent poster is in the same position
Trying showering together so you are both spotlessly clean and perhaps if you let him feel what he's been missing you will get something in return. Good luck and let us know how you get on. x
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