Um, oh my gosh. I'm sorry to hear that you are in this difficult situation. Been there, done that. First off, don't marry this guy if you feel this constant "nag" about your fiance. Having differences here and there are good for a relationship, but if just about everything he is drives you nuts (or vice versa), you may want to reconsider. I was married to a man that was a complete opposite of me (and he was in the military as well when we dated) and less than 2 years of marriage, we departed (that was the ONE thing we agreed upon!). I kept telling myself that our love will "conquer all." We festered and we never communicated; we failed. I am happily married now to a man that I love and want to be with--even with his quirks that drives me up the walls!

Have you talked to your fiance about these things? And what about the man that you think is "it"? Are you still in communication with him? I know this sounds cheesey, but your gut feelings should be a good indicator. If you and your fiance can talk this out, this wedding may happen. If not, you should think again.

Most important is calling off something that isn't going to work as soon as possible. Once you start moving on with your life (start spending more time doing the things you love - like hanging out with your friends).. give that old fling a call and maybe arrange to hang out and come clean. Let me know that you broke off your engagement because it was nothing like the relationship you had with him. If he bites.. then maybe you could make it work this time around, if not.. you'll find it again.

Don't settle.

Don't get married. If you have this many problems with him now, imagine what you'll feel like in 5 years...15 years?

You need to call off the wedding, and pronto. This will probably be the hardest thing you have done in your life but it's possible, and in your situation, it's a good idea. Just tell one person at a time and the news will slowly spread.

It's common to fall in love quickly only to wake up one day and realize the long-term relationship isn't going to work. It's good you realized this before the wedding. I'm sure it's a lesson that will be invaluable to you in the future as you go about choosing a mate.

OMG!
You need to call this wedding off ASAP.
If you already know you love someone else, and all of these differences are unbearable (which they seem like), why are you still engaged?

But keep in mind you have 2 separate things going on. Calling off the wedding is not going to guarantee you are going to be happy with this other guy. But you need to be honest with yourself and your fiancé, that this is not working and never will, and you might end up miserable if you are not even married yet, and it all seems like a nightmare.

Then you worry about the other guy. Just be true to yourself.

I think that you should call of the wedding asap and sit down with your current fiance. If you feel this way about your differences, odds are that he feels them as well. You both might be settling too soon for the wrong reasons. I would get that sorted before you go pursuing the other guy.

Sorry 2 hear the sad news! Maybe you are just having those jitters doubting,second guessing. Hope everything goes well!Lol Congrats!

I think that you jumped too soon into a relationship after saying goodbye to this other guy. You didn't give yourself time to mourn the first relationship, and jumped into the next. So no wonder you're still thinking about him.

I would say to sit down and talk to your fiance. Call off the wedding and suggest a break. I think what you need is closure from your first relationship. However, if you and your fiance do break up completely, give yourself a little time in between that and finding the man you want to be with.

And then when you do find this guy, make sure he's ready for a real relationship.

Put the wedding on pause. Talk to Fiance. And what I don't see posted here is that talk to ANY married woman. Marriage is work. No matter how in love you are. It's going to be work, work, some fun, and more work.

"I am a very positive person, he always believes the worst. I like to go for a drive and see what we find, he wants a schedule and gets annoyed if we don't keep to it. I am usually late, he is 15 minutes early and my tardiness drove him so crazy that I am no longer late (yes THIS is a good thing I know). He needs a big breakfast, I don't eat till noon. I'm a night owl, he needs 8 hours. I like to spend time with friends, he would rather stay home. I am a very social person, I have a lot of friends and wish I could see them all more. He has a few close friends that he talks to every now and then, and would rather not go to any of my social events."

all this is my current relationship.
But, you can work it out as we have. You just have to come to cooperate and compromise. Talk to him about the issues. Tell him to give and take.

Have him go out one night with you, and in return stay home with him one night. One day take a drive and just drive, and promise that next time you two go out, you'll stick to the schedule [Sir, Yes Sir! lol]

Your post is full of differences and things that you cannot stand about your current fiance. The fact that you realize all of this now and that you still think of another man proves to you that you need to call off the engagement. It's not fair to yourself but most importantly it's not fair to your fiance. He needs to know how you feel and it isn't fair to "bring along" someone when you don't understand your true feelings for him.
I say talk to your fiance and ask him how he feels about your relationship. Maybe he too will realize that you two have nothing in common with each other.
While reading through your post I actually said out loud what you are still doing with him? I understand you love him and that you've spent a lot of time with him, which of course makes memories and such but if you truly do care for him you would tell him the truth and call off the engagement. In the long run it'll be better for him and also for YOU.
I think it's going to be difficult for your fiance to change his personality or what not. It's better to call off the engagement instead of going ahead with the wedding and then ending up getting divorced.
I hope all the other comments help you out!
Good luck!

Now that is some drama!! I feel for you. That all sounds like way to much to deal with and it involves too much negative energy. You definitely should NOT get married. I didn't even count all the complete differences up there between you two, but it's one too many! You think it's bad now? It takes about 5 years to really know someone inside and out anyway...seriously, it does. I don't think either of you have found your soulmates. The guy you had the first time isn't him either because remember why you pursued your now fiance in the first place. The other dude wasn't ready for a commitment. It sounds like you are ready to settle down with someone but I don't think it's either one of those guys. I'm still trying to figure out why it disturbed your first guy in the first place that you are engaged and why you felt you had to go behind your fiances back and let your true love know you were getting married to begin with!!! I hope that you give us an update!!! Good luck.

i agree with flickster completely!! Marriage is work work work and may I remind you that the grass is not always greener on the other side. Are you sure the other man can put you first in his life? It sounds as if the other man may only be able to put work and his career first. Has this other man contacted you since last November?
There are many unanswered questions?
Are you willing to let go of everything to chase something you may not even have?
thus realizing that neither of these men are for you?
Food for thought

You already know what you want to do. Maybe you need to spend some time romancing yourself. Even if you break things off with your current guy doesn't mean you should try to rekindle anything with the other guy.

I think the main pervasive feeling that I get from your post is that you simply do not want to marry him and want to know how to justify it. You don't need to! Your desire not to marry this chap is enough. Marriage is WORK even when you want it to happen. It's impossible when you don't. Call the wedding off.

I think you have answered your on question. I think you are just wanting to hear us say yes it's ok not to marry this guy. Call it off now while it is still early. Depart as friends and explain to him all that you have to us. I feel if you marry him you will regret whether you get back with your first love or not this is not a marriage for you. Good Luck and let us know what you decided and how it went.

I think you should marry the guy you are engaged to. What are you going to do? Dump your fiance and date the guy you like and don't you know he has flaws too? Then one day you will wake up and hate yourself for dumping your fiance.

call the wedding off! even if you don't end up with either of these guys, at least you won't end up doubting about the "one guy who had many hats but we miraculously always matched hats." stop doubting and have more confidence in your own decisions and actions!

Take care of breaking things off with your fiance before you worry about the man before.

People can get over differences with communication, compromise, and intent, but you both must be true to yourselves. if you have all these differences AND you have a different view of what your future should be like AND you, say, have different sets of morals/values/ethics... then maybe you did fall in love too fast. My man and I have different ideas of what fun is, but not completely different ideas... and having fun with your partner is important... yer gonna spend a lot of time with him!

but if your first love let you go without a fight the first, time, why would he want you back now(sorry)? he is not a garantee either. if you break up with your fiance, don't do it only so that you can be with your first guy. do it because you don't think you should be married in the first place. if you break up with your fiance because you are dreaming about someone else that may not even be interested...what if you then realize that you want your fiance back?

Call off the wedding because it's obvious that you are not really into your fiance.Marriage is a huge adjustment and it needs constant care.With the way you are feeling now it won't stand a chance of surviving. Good Luck!!!!!!

I agree with calling off (or at least delaying) the wedding, discussing things with your fiance, and not rebounding to your first love.

You said that you and guy #1 seemed to have many matching hats, but he certainly wore the dunce cap when it came to commitment to you. If he put you after career during a growing relationship, I don't think you should expect him to jump at you now. He had that chance when you asked him the first time.

One thing you didn't mention that I am very curious about is what drew you to guy #2 to begin with. If it was the romance of being in love and having someone committed to/pursuing you (especially compared essentially being rejected by guy #1) that is not enough to hold a marriage together.

If you can talk things out with Guy #1, smooth things out in your relationship with him, learn to compromise with each other and communicate well, and really know you love each other, then it might make sense to get married. If you can work through such divisive and stressful difficulties in your relationship now, then staying in love and staying happily married should be be easier to weather. Good luck to you.

Wow- Its sounds like you put alot of thinking into this already- even breaking down every single thing that you two clash on! If you really dont feel in your heart that its right- end it as soon as possible. Otherwise, you will be a miserable (married) woman for the rest of your life- or until at least you end in divorce. Becuase it sure doesn't seem that you are even considering in your mind that marrying could be a good option. It is natural to have cold feet- so remember that too.

I agree.. dont' get married.... you will most likely, just end up in divorce... Good luck!

I didn't mean that to sound as harsh as it does... I am just blunt. sorry

My friend called off her wedding 2 months before because she realized it wasn't right. She had to go through sooo much lost friends and money but in the end it was the best decision and I am still so proud of her and her strength!!

you need to consider something before breaking off the engagement: if the other guy you constantly think about does not want to date you, or has a girlfriend will you still feel so unhappy with your current fiance? I believe this might be a case of "the grass is always greener on the other side". In all honesty, i DO think you should break your engagement, but not necessarily break up all together. You need to explain your feelings to your current fiance and tell him you love him, but you don't feel like yourself and he is attempting to change who you are. If he seems like he doesn't care, or just gets upset you want to postpone/cancel the engagement, it's meant to be. You should be on your own, and find yourself again before pursuing the other guy... there is no guarantee you will be together, and he may have as many faults as this current guy. Don't get married just because you already said yes. You cannot go into a marriage feeling as trapped as you do, and you definitely shouldn't bring children into this type of relationship. you need to re evealuate your situation, and as SOON AS POSSIBLE.

Are you praying for a divorce? If not, do NOT get married. Have fun, you will be in the right place at the right time for your Mr. Right.

i say, get out while you can. i don't think it's worth a lifetime of unhappiness. try to sort it out with your fiance right now and see how that goes.

DON'T GET MARRIED!!!

It'll be a waste of money, time, and the anguish of your future divorce will break havoc on your self-esteem....if it doesn't feel right...DON'T DO IT!

When I read your post, I thought for a minute that I wrote it!! I am in a very similar situation with a wedding scheduled to take place in 2 months! My fiance and I have been together for 4 years. For the first 3 years I was so happy and could not imagine being with anyone else. I longed for the day he would propose to me. Then things started falling apart. We began arguing about a variety of things, and I started getting bored, restless, and tired of waiting for a proposal. I felt like I was in a relationship that was going nowhere.

Then I met someone else who I realized I had feelings for. I decided it was time to break up with my fiance (boyfriend at the time), but before I could, he proposed! I accepted because it caught me off guard, it was what I always wanted, and I guess I thought it would "fix" everything. We have been engaged since January, and since January I have felt nothing but a chaos of emotions- confusion, happiness, sadness, panic, anxiety, hope, dread. I have realized that we really don't have much of anything in common and things that I never even noticed about him before drive me crazy now. My parents told me they don't want me to marry him and aren't even going to attend the wedding! I still have feelings for the other guy, but I don't think he would ever commit to me like my fiance has.

This is my "dear sugar" problem...
I have to thank you all for your input. I'm new to this site and don't know how to reply annonymously, but this is me. One of you asked for an update so I'm here to give you all that. And by the way thank you to all of you for all your comments. Good and bad all are appreciated. If I wanted this sugar coated I would have asked someone who would do that. I wanted real womens opinions and for all those I thank you!

I'm not realy crazy, so I would never leave my fiance for another man, even if he was a sure thing because that's not me. I dated quite a few men before I fell in love with this man, some I had a lot in common with, some less. But never have the differences made, well such a difference. Then again, I have never been engaged before.

My parents have been married 50 years, my older brother 25 years, aunts, uncles, cousins, only 2 divorces, and one of those now remarried for 25 years. I have lots of examples of working relationships, and that is what I want. I want 50 years. I don't expect them all to be cheery, I know it is a lot of hard work!! A lot!! So much respect to all you who are making it work. I am not afraid to put in my share of hard work, or even take the brunt of the load for a while if I need to. But let me let you in on a little more so if you have any more advice or guidance it is with more understanding. Because it's so great to get so much feedback, and again so appreciated!

I first want to add that this is also a long distance relationship, which I'm okay with because we both have very busy lives and are both stuck living where we are for now, and we manage a lot of time together. I'm sure this adds a new dimension to your opinions as well. We spend a lot of time at eachothers places, talk like 15 times a day, do bills and all together, and so on. I've been in long distance relationships before and it's never been this distressing, difficult, or hurtful. But before in other long distance type relationships we might have had interest that held us together when the times were tough, or things we laughed at together. It's the sheer pain of constant fighting, harsh words and differences of opinion, both while we are together and while we are apart that is breaking my heart.

So the differences are driving us apart in so many ways. With so little in common there is not much that helps us to mend the wounds after battles. I hate to argue. None of my family fights, well, not with raised voices, swearing, and "flying off the handles". My fiance, whom I DO love dearly, but that too sometimes, well right now always, feels like a battle, he fights with all these tools and I can't fight back. He jumps to extremes when we disagree, only to appologize later. But the hurt is already there and it's starting to feel like an emotionaly abusive relationship. (I've had one of those too) With so many differences I'm not sure what to do to hold us together. If there was something that we could do together that would help to mend the hurt, like a hobby even, I would schedule it all the time. But we can't even talk anymore. He admits he "flies off the handle", but he says such horrible things when he does that it breaks my heart and there are only so many times an appology will fix it. Then he'll add, "can't you just forget I said that, it was in the heat of the moment and I didn't mean it... I was just angry and lashing out"... but the comments still hurt and I can't always forget them. Would some examples help? He has said: "fine then, if you don't feel like I'm supporting you then pack your f-ing sh*t and get out" (FYI we live in two different countries right now and I was >700 miles from home when he said this - in another country, I had nowhere to go). Another? "If I hadn't put that ring on your finger I wouldn't still be here. I'd be long gone." Or even when I asked if we weren't engaged already would he propose again he said "No. I can't imagine asking you to marry me feeling the way I do now." Or even "you are f-ing crazy, what the f- is wrong with you?" I've asked him why he still wants to marry me when we seem to have nothing in common, and he wouldn't be here if we weren't engaged, and he thinks I'm "crazy", and he says, "because I love you". He barely lets me speak when the argument escalates and cuts me off mid sentence, more often than not yelling something back in reply to a comment I hadn't even finished. When I say, "you cut me off again, please let me talk, just listen for a moment" he says "I know I cut you off, I caught myself doing it and I stopped after I realized I had, stop treating me like a child, I can't help cutting you off, I do it to everyone, you don't need to point it out everytime I do it, just go on already...". So this leaves me with just letting him cut me off and not getting frustrated when he does, becuase "he does it all the time" and to everyone. So if he cuts me off and then realizes it and stops his sentence I chould just put up with it, and continue my sentence where he interrupted it like he never said anything. And I should just forgive and forget anything he says in the heat of the moment because he was just "keyed up" at that moment. I take the time to think about what I say before I say it and I want the same courtesy in return. 99% of the time I don't ever say anything I don't mean. I don't swear until i've been sworn at for a hour and I can't listen to it anymore.

Ok, so I'm not crazy. I promise. I spent a lot of time figuring out who I was and what I wanted before I started dating again after the emotionally abusive relationship I was in that left me feeling like a shell of a human. I knew I wanted to feel loved and accepted for who I am and took the time to figure out who that was. Who I was. I know I didn't give myself time to heal from the first relationship, and 5 months into this one he proposed. At the time I couldn't imagine anything feeling as good as this did. I didn't change who I was to be with him at the start, now I feel like I need to change nearly everything to make this work. I know I don't deserve to be spoken to the way he speaks to me when we fight, and I try to stay calm and quiet and not run crying into the other room. I've worked hard to love me for who I am and I though he loved me for all I am too.

For all of you that thought, hmmm, there must be something more to this than the last guy, there is. I just couldn't post something this long and wanted to think it was just our differences that was driving us apart. It is a little scarry puting this all out there, because I would have to admit to myself as well that this is more than "not good", it's really bad. Like I said if we could reach a common ground on something I could start from there. He, yes, other than all this crap, is an amazing catch. It would take another post to list all his good qualities, but even in knowing all those good qualities exist I still see our love fading faster than ever. The guy that was emotionally abusive was also a "great guy" on the outside. Hero to the city he lived in, apple of his mothers eye, toast of the town, friend to everyone, gorgeous, responsible... and so on. But even that guy left me feeling like no one in the world would want me but him...

I know what I have to offer and I know what is difficult about me... I'm not perfect and I wouldn't expect anyone else to be. I wouldn't want someone that is a clone of me, but I don't want to be so different that when the chips are down there are no legs to hold us up.

So thank you all for listening in the first place. If you have more to say after all this please let me have it. If I have bored you to death with such a long post I understand if you can't respond, I might have just taken up someone's entire lunch break. I just don't want to burden my already burdened family with all this drama and stress, and I am a little, or a lot afraid to admit to my friends they were right to question us jumping into an engagement in such a short time...

I appriciate all your help and consideration. I hope team sugar is as helpful to all its members as you have all been to me. Thanks again. So much. You all are friends when that is exactly what I needed.

Sincerely!!!

Oh, also i am gathering from the general consensus that I shoulld be calling this impending wedding off at the least! I took a mental note of that. I am wondering if any of the rest of this information affects the responses of those that are married as well.

One aside, it took a lot to get out of that abusive relationship, and I commend anyone who has been strong enough to do the same. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do, and that is saying a lot, honestly. I had a lot of support from my friends and family, lost some friends by staying in it as long as I did, and gained some back when I got strong enough to walk away.

I thank all of you again for your honesty. I've come a long way from that time and I really just thought I was smart enough to trust my feelings of love and devotion both for and from this man I am engaged to. I'm having a hard time realizing the truth of the situation. I love his family, and his family loves me, mine loves him, well without knowing all this, and he loves my family. I don't want to hurt him, even though I am getting hurt in the process. I don't want to admit I might have been fooled by a honeymoon period when I thought I was too grounded for that. I wanted the first guy that asked me to marry him to be "the one". I didn't want to have another man ask me and think "remember how this turned out last time..."

My father gave him his permission, I don't want him to think he did the wrong thing by doing that either. My father is very old fashioned (well he is 80, and I'm 28). I'm SO the baby of the family and they are all very protective and I love them all for that. He felt he was giving permission to someone who would take care of my heart. I didn't want him to know it's getting broken! My whole family is so excited for my wedding! I know I've never been engaged before, but will others also doubt a second engagement if this one fails. Will they think twice about congratulating me or puting their faith in my decision a second time if this turns out to be the wrong one?

As you can see there are a lot of issues I'm trying to get straight, but puting this in writing and getting feedback from all of you has at least helped me start to deal with the reality of it all instead of trying to avoid the issues and hope "love will conquer all". It hasn't so far. If it doesn't soon I don't know how much longer I can deal with all this! I'm trying. I do love him. But I have to love who I am too. I'm willing to put in the effort, but at what cost? I too am afraid of ending up divorced, and any of you who forsee that as the ending to this story, I see that too. I couldn't ever bring kids into this kind of relationship and I DO want a family! I don't want to sugarcoat the issues in the name of love and find myself married and still in the same situation.

We ARE both seeing counselors, or therapists, I continue to see the one I've seen on and off for years, and he has gone to one once or twice but usually has an excuse not to (and he doens't want his seeing a therapist on his work record so we are paying for his counseling out of pocket!) We saw my therapist together twice which he first said was helpful, then said he didn't think she could be partial. I agreed to see a couples-counselor but he fluffed off the idea when things were ok, and now suggested we go when we are both at the end of our ropes. The distance thing makes couples-anything a bit of an issue.

So I'm very willing to try any avenue to heal us, but what we have done so far hasn't helped. He calls me a quitter when I appear like I am giving up, and says "fine if you are giving up so am I, why should I try to make this work when you won't anymore", but I'm not sure what else I can do. OK, have to go to bed. I'll anxiously await any additional advice. I once again appreciate that you have all taken the time to chime in already! I wish happy things for every one of you that gives of your time to support someone else when they are looking for help. I normally like to be the one giving support and I have a hard time asking for it when I need it. I know everyone has stress and drama now and then, but I wish you all have one wish granted for your generosity. My one wish is that your wish will come true! A wish for your happiness. If even one of you wishes for my happiness and I wish your wish comes true we both make out... still with me? All the rest of you might have a boatload of cash appear in your mailbox and that would be just fabulous if that is what my wish helped make happen too. Anyhow, I must be tired. Truly, thanks again. I CAN'T SAY THAT ENOUGH IT SEEMS!!!

After reading the update, I have to say my original advice stands, and I feel even more strongly than I did before that you need to call off the wedding.

I have so many random thoughts about this and they are all totally out of order! So here goes...

-- It seems like this is a case where being "in love" is not enough. You have to be able to live with each other. Sure, opposites can attract, but the fundamentals don't seem to be there. You will find someone you fall in love with and who you can live with. You should marry that person.

-- It also seems like you two just got in over your heads being in love and made a quick decision.

-- You shouldn't marry someone for the sake of intertia. Meaning, just because you said you would and you don't know how to make it stop. This is MORE than cold feet.

-- The things he is saying to you are mean. I understand it's probably in a fight he says them but that doesn't take away from it in my mind. The sign of a couple who loves each other is a couple that can still respect each other in a fight.

-- I personally think that you'll be worse off in the same city than you are with the distance.

-- I broke off an engagement once but stayed together with the guy afterward. I just told everyone that I'd jumped the gun but still loved him and wanted some more time. It gave me time to see if I was just afraid of the wedding, or if it was a bad relationship. As I expected, it was a bad relationship. I loved and adored him, loved and adored his family, vice versa. But in the end, I couldn't imagine us making it 50 years.

-- Please try to drown out the noise of "what will my parents think". Your parents will want you to be happy, end of story. Do you think your parents want you to be with someone who says the things he does to you? NO!

-- You will feel such sadness if you break off the engagement, but you will also feel like a thousand pound weight has been lifted.

-- You guys seem like you have addict love. The highs are HIGH and the lows are LOW. It feels dramatic and that feels like "love" but in reality it's not healthy.

-- Are you close with your mom or any older siblings? When I broke off my engagement, I just had to say it out loud once to someone I was close with and then it became easier to say out loud the next time. Both of my parents were SO SO proud of me, even though they adored the guy I was supposed to marry. Why? Because it takes serious balls to do it. You are afraid of letting everyone down. Your fiance, your parents, his parents, yourself... But that fear isn't worth it.

I really feel for you. These are hard decisions. If you need to chat/vent feel free to PM me.

reading your story is like reading my own life. believe me, it's very sh*tty being in this situation. i'm so sorry u had to go thru this. my only suggestion is to just follow ur heart, what you feel inside. if that means to call off the wedding, then be it. imagine if you end up with a man that shares nothing in common with you, that'd be disasterous. thats my dilemma too though, i hope your doing ok, just do the rite thing, ok.

-Save the cheerleader! Save the world!!-

I apologize if you thought I was trying to take the attention away from your problem. I just wanted to let you know that I completely understand your situation. I am very sorry you are going through it, and I wish I could tell you something that would make everything alright. Good luck with your decision.

jenbug I think she was just saying that she was the one who wrote it, not that you couldn't share your story Don't worry hon.

I guess you are right. My mistake!

Hi jenbug78! popgoestheworld is right. I really apreciated hearing your story as well. It's nice to know I'm not alone. I just wanted anyone who read my post to know I was only remaining annonymous, but the original post was mine. Thank you for sharing your story. It was helpful too.

So men? Did I miss a class in how to pick them? I'm just tired of the drama. I have so much going on in my life I just want to be with someone who can be supportive, not cheat, and make me smile now and then. When did that become too much to ask?

I don't expect anyone else to be responsible for my happiness, just don't keep making me so sad. Waking up happy everyday is a task in itself, I don't need a man who makes that the first challenge of the day. I'm having such a hard time here. I'll keep you all posted as I can.

Thanks again for all your thoughts!!

Oh, Jenbug, I found in past relationships, often the outsiders point of view has more truth to it than I have ever given them credit for. Most times when I was in relationships some of my truest and dearest friends, and certainly my parents knew long before I did that I had not found "the one" or "Mr. Right" in who I was dating. I asked my dad once, who usually didn't say much what he thought of my current boyfriend whom I was hoping to marry, and that marriage would also help "fix" some of our problems. My dad said "I think he's a great guy, but I dont think he's the one for you" and he went about cooking dinner. He didn't have to say another word really. I know he wants the best for me and sometimes others know first. Turns out he wasn't the one for me and if I had stayed it would have turned into the biggest mess ever!

Then again another one of my girlfriend's mothers refused to attend her wedding (in Florida), refused to attend the shower I threw for her in town, then didn't come to the home reception they threw for all their family and friends. In this case though her mother had other issues, and I think had a crush on the groom, even saying to my friend that "she wasn't good enough for him!!"

If your parents have sound reasons for refusing to attend your wedding you might want to just hear them out. Maybe they see something that you don't?

Another irony between you and the friend I was just talking about... Follow me on this one. Another girl I knew from school was engaged to this man. They were set to be married in one week. Suddenly she called off the wedding, she was in love with another man! One of his friends no less! It was not good timing, or a good situation, her parents lost everything they invested in the wedding, but she needed to follow her heart I guess and this allowed him to be free to fall in love with someone who would love only him. Well... he fell in love with my friend (why I know this story!) that I was talking about before whose mother wouldn't attend the wedding. These two are still happily married for years now, and have a beautiful family together!!

I can't make this stuff up!!

Back to the matter at hand. So I guess girls, I've at least decided to call off the wedding in the spring. (Oh my God did I actually type that!) I can't plan a wedding that my heart in not completely invested in, no less walk down the aisle. Especially if I only want to do this once, I better make sure it feels right in my head and my heart. I really don't know where to start. This is going to turn my life upside-down! But I do think I already feel a bit better not having the pressure of having to make this all ok -like by tomorrow. I guess one step at a time. I can't imagine telling my friends and family!! I do have my sister-in-law I have always been able to lean on, but ugh! This is going to be a bumpy road! Though I am rationalizing my family would rather congratulate a second engagement than I get divorced and they might attend a second wedding. I guess I knew this was what I had to do, or how I thought I should deal with it, but I didn't know if I was doing the right thing. I certainly would speak with the old flame about all this at some point if things don't progress back to a working relationship here, but I will know that I am making this first crucial step back to sanity not becuase my fiance is not like someone else I still hold in my heart! I need to stop traveling this path for the reasons that exist within this relationship alone, then move on from there, wherever there is. This sounds right to me. Not easy, but right. I can't picture my hand without our engagement ring on it, but if it is meant to be maybe it will return there someday. If not, at least I gave my heart the time and space needed to fall in love with the right man, whomever he may be. Oh boy, where do I start this process.

Please all feel free to chime in if anyone has any thoughts...

Thanks for sharing the story about your friend that called off the wedding a week in advance (and I thought I was terrible for thinking this 2 months in advance!) I did talk to my fiance last night and told him I was under a lot of stress right now and was thinking we should at least consider postponing the wedding for a few months. He didn't like the idea but said if I wanted to do that we could. I'm still not absolutely certain that I don't want to marry him; I just feel like I need more time to sort out my feelings. I feel relieved just knowing that postponing is an option.

I am sure as hard as it is and as sad as it is, you are also feeling relieved having reached the decision to call off the wedding. For me here lately, the only way I have calmed myself down is by thinking "I don't HAVE to do this..." You made such an excellent point when you said you need to stop traveling this path for the reasons that exist in this relationship alone. I need to do the same and decide if I want to marry my fiance based only on our relationship, all other issues aside. I just seem to find it difficult to do that and don't know why!

I wish you all the best. I have been reading a book called "There Goes the Bride." I think you would find it comforting right now.

I absolutely would not marry bachelor #2. I wouldn't expect bachelor #1 to be there waiting in the wings, either, but you can't plan to spend the rest of your life with someone you are feeling so conflicted about. Good luck

I am SOOOO sorry to hear this situation!!! I was in the same situation but in a different way. I felt like I should be with another guy but I am engaged to the original guy. The original guy and I are just so awesome together. Our age is off, but we totally balance each other out. The first guy I was just lusting after .. or something like that. I knew we wouldn't be good together.

If you feel like you aren't going to be good with this guy you are about to marry, CALL IT OFF! There is nothing better than calling it off before you get married! It will only be harder once you are married.

I know you may not be 100% sure ever.. no one really is like they tell us all in the fairy tales. But you should be really sure, and it sounds like you're definitely not even on the fence on this one - you're on the other side! Break it off hun. Good luck!

this is such a sad situation, you really shouldn't stay with this guy you're about to get engaged with...

good luck, dear!

omg, im in same situation, and i thought im the only one. i know i love my fiance but im not inlove with him. and i tried breaking off the wedding but everyone almost ate me, my family really religious so they throwing bunch of stuff in my face like you'll loose gods blessing, and so on..i am so confuse. but i dont trust or believe him, cuz during the whole relationship, i was only one trying to make it work. while he had this attitude as of 'your mine you wont go anywhere or find someone else' so i thought after we get engaged things would be diff but they weren't. Oh yes there is another guy a friend that me and him never had a chance to start a relationship cuz this or that would pop up and then i listened to mom and didn't date him cuz hes divorced, but i always cared about him and liked him, but theres no need to mix him in this cuz this is about the fiance, im not saying things would work out with that friend but i'm still scared out of my mind to marry my fiance, so my family not behind me they all on his side. oh the good part is i told him im not inlove wit him and dont want to marry so he supposedly realized it and says he changed now, but how can i believe that when thats all i heard during out relationship. oh by the way its long distance. my fear is i wont find someone else, but im scared to trust and believe him again and take that chance that he is diff and just marry him.. i know wat most of you will say dont marry him. but how do i get this thru to my family, they not talking to me as it is already. oh im sorry for sticking in my story, just nice to know im not alone. Best wishes to the other girls,

You exposed red flags in your personality I would take care of if you wish to spend your life with someone in a healthy relationship. You left guy #1 for a fling with # 2 however you must have known from the get go that # 2 was all wrong for you but you were not willing to admit it until push came to shove and marriage loomed over the horizon. If marriage was never a real possibility you wouldnt be here talking about this..lets be real. Guy # 1 is not wrong for what he chose, he didnt choose anything..your actions chose for him and for you, he never insulted you in any way. He was being responsible. You were being impatient and forceful. With more time and communication commitment and marriage was a real possibility, because he doesnt sound like he was eager to get rid of you, again based on your words. You exposed yourself unknowingly when you said he was more distraught than you thought he would be leading me to believe your last few conversations about this issue were not amicable not to mention how fast you segway into guy # 2 in your story (big gap there). You did it for selfish reasons maybe to hurt him for not being able to control him and in the end you ended up shooting yourself in the foot, and you still deflect the blame. You came here for advice but you already knew what you have to do to procure what you want....the question is what are you willing to do to get it and risk for it? Just like you dropped one for the other, you must do it again but seeing as that failed your scared to do it again, but this is your mistake. If you want to fix this knowing that you could lose everything (believe me its the only way out of this mess).
Here is why you will do what it takes:
1) Guy #1 could meet someone and start the same thing with another woman who is actually patient and not forceful and actually go all the way once he gets that part of his life together or he could do them both at the same time only because he was not pressured in any way.
2) You acted on selfish motivation, guilt and shame and regret can lightened only when we own up to what we did.
3) Acknowledging a serious character flaw is the only way to fix it. Problems you dont see dont get fixed..its that simple.
4) I can see you havent put yourself on the line at all here while you put everyone else on the line unknowingly...sorry no pain no gain on this one.
Here is how you take steps to fix it ( results vary but you knew this)
1) Do not get married because im pretty sure this was a rebound that went to far.
2) Admit you wronged guy # 2, apologize and step away from him, talk it out ( I sense you avoid issues like that) Do it otherwise you adding more crap to your life.
3) Arrange to speak with # 1 and tell him you screwed up..bite the bullet, tell him why you did it, do not tell him you want him back just yet...instead be prepared to get what you knew what was coming to you for your actions...accept it within reason...he may be cold, he may be nice, he may be really really nasty, but at least its out there (acknowledging your mistake remember?) After you do this, say good bye , step away from # 1.
4) Be by yourself for a few months...this will give you time to reflect on why you did what you did.
5) If you still want guy # 1 establish contact again..even though the ball is in his court he will probably not make any more initiatives for a long time if your headed back together, to put it lightly for some time if he is receptive you will be less than what you were to him value for a while until he feels you have proved this wont happen again and you have made the necessary changes and understand.

Its all up to you...but you know what you have to do. If you got the guts do it or forever run from your issues, I assure they will always be hot on your trail. Good luck.