Conventional Wisdom is a different kind of advice column. Your questions will be answered by people from all walks of life rather than by advice experts. If you have a question you'd like answered on Conventional Wisdom, you can submit it here.
This week, a woman unwilling to settle shares her wisdom with a distraught woman who's sick of her boyfriend calling her cruel names. October is domestic violence awareness month. Remember, just because he's not punching you in the face doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. Verbal abuse is still abuse.
This week's question:
"Every time my boyfriend gets angry, I get called names. 'Bitch' is the most often one thrown at me. I have told him so many times that it hurts me but he says it's only words. Sometimes he doesn't even apologize. Yesterday, he told me a story about his friend. I told him that I had a headache. He started shouting and telling me that I just wasn't interested, that I was rude. I wanted him to shut up. He called me a bitch again! He always tells me that he would never call me anything if I didn't make him by behaving like an idiot. Once he called me pathetic. I told him I didn't like that and he said at least he didn't call me a bitch. I'm sick and tired of explaining how wrong he is. He thinks he knows better. Please help!"
Signed,
In Pain
To hear what a woman unwilling to settle thinks about this situation, read more
Dear In Pain:
GET OUT. DUMP HIM. MOVE ON. LET GO. LEAVE. DROP HIM!
The simple truth is that your boyfriend does not respect you and he certainly doesn’t value you, your feelings, or your relationship. He is literally shouting this at you. And it’s time for you to hear him, loud and clear.
I realize it’s easy to become confused in matters of the heart. But at the core of any meaningful, loving, long-lasting relationship is always going to be respect. (Trust Aretha to say it like it is!) Without that, you’ve got nothing. And that is exactly what you’ve got right now—nothing.
Your boyfriend doesn’t have the maturity, self-awareness, or emotional development to be the man you want or to offer you the relationship you deserve. (Or at least I presume you expect something more, since you’ve taken the time to write in!)
You are only fooling yourself if you think this guy is going to change. And while you continue to endure his demeaning comments and cruel behavior, you could be out there enjoying the world, meeting new people, and building a life and relationships to be proud of. What are you waiting for?
Take that next step! Show yourself a little respect and leave him and his drama behind you. And while you’re at it, ask yourself one very simple question: why are you in this situation to begin with? If you take the time to sort out your head now, you’ll spare yourself the heartache and disappointment of repeating the same pattern in the future. And at that point you'll be free to meet someone worthy of your time and your heart. Stop being so afraid to take responsibility for your own happiness and make the change now!
Karen Millen
Butterfly
Disney
Only one thing to do...dump his verbally abusive ass and never look back. Have enough respect for yourself to know that you do not deserve this type of treatment.
1I know that's a photo illustration, but WOW! That is disturbing!!
2You need to get out of this relationship! It doesn't matter if the good times are great. Nobody deserves to be treated like you are being treated.
3Um, why are you in this "relationship"?
Wow people in abusive relationships really don't see it huh? Crazy..
Yeah that photo is SO disturbing.
4I agree with the others - dump him now
5He's blaming it on you by saying that you're an idiot and therefor deserve to be called names. And you in a sense are proving him right. I'm sure you've heard the phrase "you teach people how to treat you" a million times. It's very true though. It seems like he's a bully and you're just giving in. Eventually you might even start to believe him. He doesn't get it and he's not worth it. Leave him and be excited to get yourself back.
6Well. I think it seems like the name calling is going hand in hand with some ugly fights and shouting. Don't be surprised that he leaves relatively easy if you break up. He is already emotionally checked out anyway. You will see.
7best advice I've ever seen on this column:
GET OUT. DUMP HIM. MOVE ON. LET GO. LEAVE. DROP HIM!
8Excellent advice. Leave him before it escalates into physical and emotional abuse. It's time to pull the b*tch factor and start throwing his crap out the door including him.
9Best advice on this column...this guy is verbaly abusive...get the hell out of that relationship! He's never going to change his treatment of you...get out!
10I'll just echo everyone else: leave him.
11I also echo everyone else, he's abusive, exit the relationship asap.
and I also agree with the poster commenting on that picture it is deeply disturbing.
12Are you dating my ex? He won't change, not ever, no matter how many times you tell him he hurts you. Honestly, telling him that will probably cause him to escalate. Get out before it gets worse! There IS someone better for you out there, no matter what this guy tells you.
13It's such a cliche but I think it rings true: "People treat you the way you let them."
14I have never been in a relationship where who I was with thought they could use words like that at me. Stand up for yourself..tell him that he can't speak to you like that or its over. But follow through on your word
I'm in a similar situation. Although; the biggest difference is that his name calling has only started over the last few months. It's like we've hit that comfort zone and now he can let it all out. It's all the more difficult because we're married with a toddler now and it's not always as easy to kick him to the curb when there are so many other factors involved; plus I'm worried that there's something more to it since it was such a drastic change in behaviour for him.I 100% agree with the other ladies...cut your losses now before you're too tangled in to things. You don't deserve to be treated like a verbal punching bag.
15girl, dump that idiot now. dated a guy like that for 2 years. and each time he'd call me names, i'd warn him but then he'd justify that it was called for... they will never change. and it'll get worse. so leave... you don't deserve to be treated that way.
16I just had another thought. Abuse issue aside, is this really the type of relationship you want to be in? One that has such an obvious lack of respect? Mature couples who respect and truly love eachother do not call eachother names, not even in heated discussions.
17Amen! Great advice!
18Yes. Run, do not walk.
19Now Him: "I called you a b*tch because you are acting like a b*tch"
Very Near Future Him: "I slapped you because you needed to be slapped"
20i can sympathize with you b/c this happened to me and married the guy. it's so hard to realize what's happening when you're in the middle of it and usually the guy doesn't do it in front of other people so when you complain or say something, your concerns sound more like complaints. we would be talking and then all of a sudden argiung and then somehow the subject would change to what i had done wrong and he would belittle me and somehow it would be my fault. he always seemed to take such great pleasure in making me feel so bad and would rarely apologize unless i did first.
i was able to recognize this eventually and left and now my ex is really nice to me. even though we fought all the time and i told him how he behaved, he didn't think he was EVER wrong. we don't discuss it anymore which is probably why we get along now. everyone always asks if i still try to make him understand and my answer is always no. i don't have any fight left in me and suspect the poster is wearing down too. it's exhausting and sucks the life out of you.
please do yourself a favor and leave. there are better and nicer men out there who will make you feel fantastic. it's hard at first but you'll be so much happier and proud of yourself in the end. good luck!
21I agree wholeheartedly: leave him.
Personally speaking, my husband never called me names (and we had some heated arguments). The CLOSEST he came to that, and he said it hesitantly, was when he ONCE said,"You're acting like a b*tch." I retorted,"No, I am not." That was it. That was the extent of it. I think it happened about ten years ago.
22I've had bf's in the past who called me names. They are no longer my bf. He does not respect you and he will not change. Leave him.
My bf told me I was acting like a b*tch one time and I was so I let it slide and he immediately apologized. He has never called me a name in anger or for any other reason. You do not need to put up with anything that makes you feel bad and you are in no way "making" him call you names. Leave this loser.
23it's not as simple as some of you are saying she's allowing this behavior to continue and that she's not standing up for herself. it sounds to me like she is standing up for herself and telling him it's wrong and not acceptable but he doesn't care which is probably also the cause for some of these explosive fights. please don't kick her while she's down by telling her she's allowing this. she isn't. likely she's looking for positive reinforcement to end it with the guy and that people in healthy relationships do not have these issues. she's reaching out for help, not to me insulted again.
24RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN! WTH are you doing? He needs serious anger managment help and you need to leave him while he gets that.
25My most recent ex called me a b*tch and a wh*re. Both of which are not even in the slightest bit true. I will always regret not leaving that relationship sooner. RUN!
26Listen, your judgment is clearly clouded here so look at it objectively as if someone you love is being treated this way. Clearly, this man doesn't love you. He doesn't have the ability to love anyone because he's so busy trying to make himself feel good by making someone else feel like crap. He can't even begin to have relationships with people until he admits he has a problem and gets extensive help. However, these kinds of people always think they're right and they don't want help. I think you know very well that you have to leave him. I suggest that if this a guy you should fear, pack a bag and move away and change all your contact information and don't give him any explanation.
27You deserve better. You deserve to be loved, to be cuddled, to have your forehead kissed and your neck nuzzled and to be told you're beautiful. You deserve to have your hand held tenderly, to have your waist squeezed when you're standing together, to be called sweet names like "honey bee" and "sunshine." You deserve better. Tell yourself that, and believe it, and then walk away.
28Great advice, except for one thing. His behavior will change- it will just be for the worse. He has made how he sees you very clear. Smacks is 100% right- Now Him: "I called you a b*tch because you are acting like a b*tch"
29Very Near Future Him: "I slapped you because you needed to be slapped". Please heed the advice you asked for and leave immediately! I'm not sure it will be easy, but please use your friends and family to help you get through this time. Best of luck with a difficult but necessary decision and action!
I say call him a few choice names as you are throwing his abusive sorry a$$ out the door......
30I wouldn't call him any names. When you do get the courage to leave him remain as calm as possible. Don't to anything to elevate his anger. Be the better person.
31similar story to number 21.. look after yourself, and dont stop.. that doesnt necessarily mean whatever he wants you to do is the best choice.. if he cant handle you having a personal life with feelings and beliefs outside his own, then why should he be able to support you or look out for you? he thinks he knows better cause he only sees what revolves around him-! i honestly suggest you speak to family/friends about it, you are worth getting the people who love you involved..
32Get out before it gets worse. Anonymous Tue 7:05am- you are correct. Its best to remain calm, don't do anything that would put your health or safety in jeopardy. Good luck.
33Post New Comment
Please share your opinion with our community, but make sure it is on topic and follows our Community Rules. We moderate comments and prohibit personal attacks, threats, spam, lewd images, or the promotion of your personal website.