Conventional Wisdom is a different kind of advice column. Your questions will be answered by people from all walks of life rather than by advice experts. This week, a Christian woman who cheated on her husband feels guilty and needs advice; she'll get some from an agnostic. If you have a question, you can submit them here.
This week's question:
I have a confession to make: I'm having an affair. I'm a good woman, and I do love my husband very deeply but I have a problem with being alone and he is not here. I have always had a problem with cheating and I have never been faithful in a relationship. I recently ended the affair but the guilt is killing me and I don't know what to do, especially as a Christian woman.
Signed,
Guilty as Sin
To hear what an agnostic has to say, read more
Dear Guilty,
I don't know what to tell you "as a Christian woman," as I am an agnostic woman and religion doesn't factor into my life, but I will tell you what I know about cheaters and cheating. It may not assuage your guilt, but perhaps it will help you to figure out why you continue to sabotage your relationships and undermine your self-esteem, and hopefully it will get you into therapy or counseling to get to the bottom of why you keep stepping out on people you say you love so deeply.
I have a theory about cheaters: they don't feel too good about themselves. I've heard many justifications for cheating, and they all seem to be variations on the theme of, "I'm being cheated, so I have a free pass to cheat." Let's say they feel cheated because they're not being paid attention to by their partner. Instead of expressing this to the partner and seeing how they can remedy it to their mutual satisfaction (or, if there's no remedy, to get the hell out of the relationship), they grab onto what they can to fill that void, their partner be damned. It's a passive-aggressive act that seems to say, "I am too powerless (or chicken) to directly confront this head-on, so I will get what I can on the down-low."
Or let's say they're jealous of their partner, who might be more successful, happier or have more sexual experience than they. Cheating for them accomplishes two things. Out of resentment that life hasn't given them what they wanted, and out of a feeling of egoic deficiency — they get a quick fix of attention from another person (filling a void inside by outside validation), and they secretly punish their partner for having what they don't.
You say you've never been faithful in a relationship, so although you almost blame your husband for your cheating ("he is not here"), you also admit you are the one with the problem. This is a good first step. So what to do now? There are two schools of thought about what you should do if you've cheated and stopped.
One school says that to tell the person you cheated on would be selfish; all it would accomplish is to put your burden on them. This school of thought says you should just suck it up and vow to yourself you'll never do it again. Another school says that you must come clean and give the other person a chance to decide whether or not they want to forgive you or work on the relationship with you.
This is a personal decision I can't make for you. For me, cheating is an (almost) irreparable act of contempt for the person you're in a relationship with. If it happened to me, I would want to have the chance to determine whether or not the person who did it was a) truly sorry, and b) sure it wouldn't happen again. I don't think I'd want someone of questionable ethics to decide on my behalf. Plus, I'd have more respect for someone who came clean even at the risk of losing the relationship.
What seems most important to me is that you figure out why, especially if you believe in the pretty rigid moral code of Christianity (especially when it comes to sexual matters), you keep on cheating? Maybe you are rebelling against this moral code. What do you lack within your marriage (but more importantly, within yourself) that you're getting from attention outside your marriage? (Maybe your husband travels a lot, leaving you alone. Lots of people are alone, though, without feeling empty inside. This is an important distinction.) Are you someone who doesn't feel comfortable confronting others, or asking for what you want? This "people-pleasing" attitude often means a lot of repressed anger, which can lead to cheating.
Whatever you decide to do, the first step I would recommend you take is to repair the relationship you have with yourself. If your actions don't square with your beliefs about right and wrong, you need to confront that first before you begin to heal your relationship with your husband. Hope that helps and good luck to you.
Speedo
"have a theory about cheaters: they don't feel too good about themselves"
I have never found that to be true in the people I have met that have cheated.
1Good advice!!!
2Yup. That's also the type of advice I'd give as well.
3I really do feel that I would have easier empathy for a murderer than a cheater. And to see this woman claim to be a Christian as well? Where were your alleged morals when you made the decision to F up your life and your husband's life?
There's no good answer here. You've violated the trust of the marriage. If it can be repaired, it's going to take a lot of time and a lot of work.
My advice is to go take a good hard look in the mirror. You are the choices you make. Your problem is that you don't have any morals.
4Given your prior history, I don't think anything would be accomplished by coming clean with your husband except the destruction of your marriage. I had a spouse who cheated on me. Like so many others, she had the conviction that cheating was immoral, was not acceptable under any circumstances, and told me what she would do to me if I ever cheated on her. But it didn't stop her six months into our marriage. I was never able to overcome the loss of trust; I ended up divorcing her. It didn't matter to me that she told me she still loved me, she became in my eyes just like the previous SOs I'd had who had also cheated on me. So, if you really want to stay in this relationship, you need to find out why you continue to cheat and fix it, and above all, don't tell your husband. Seeking forgiveness may make your feel better (at least temporarily), but he is not obliged to give it. And you also have to understand that it will all be moot if he finds out from someone else, and that either way, you have to live with the knowledge of your actions.
5I think you are looking for a way to confess and feel better, but I got to tell you, this isn't the way or place to do it. If you consider yourself a christian woman then I think you know what to do. Look in the new testament and find what Jesus said and did to the adulterous woman and I'm sure you will find your way. If there is a chance to salvage your marriage it now lies in the hands of your husband, you have to tell him cause he has all the right to know. Yes it might end things but you knew that before you committed adultery he has a right to chose what to do with his own life and marriage, everyone does after vows have been broken. So on that note I repeat, if you are a true christian, then you know this isn't the place to find redemption cause none of us can give it.
6I think you are looking for a way to confess and feel better about the situation but i got to tell you, this isn't the place or way to do it. If you consider yourself a true christian, then look in the New Testament and find what Jesus did and said to the adulterous woman and I know you will find your way. How ever you know that you have to tell your husband cause if you're trying to rebuild on cover ups and lies I can tell you that will not work. He has every right to know and chose what to do with his own life and marriage. We as christians often make the mistake to look to the world for answers like we don't already have a place to go, but how can we expect to do the right thing when were are looking to other sinners for the answer? We are all sinners who want to judge but not be judged, I can tell you right now you are in the wrong place to find your way and answers. None of us can give redemption, but as a believer you know ho can. Good luck to you
7i have to admit, even though I am non-religious also, This last persons' advice about looking into the religion you love is good advice. go to your god, and also go to therapy. but they are 100% right about the right to know.
8im sorry, but religion really has no part in this at all!
9this woman is a lonely/sad person, who made a bad decision/s.
believe it or not, agnostics have morals too...
this lady messed up, and needs to fess up!
no one is perfect. but everyone, despite thier beliefs knows that cheating is wrong, not b/c the bible says so, but b/c its dishonest and selfish...p.s. IM A CHRISTIAN
spackatgal- I think that was really rude. You obviously don't understand Christianity. Being a Christian does not mean that someone is perfect, has perfect morals or never makes mistakes. Repentance and forgiveness are a huge part of the Christian faith, whatever the denomination.
10By the way, people with morals can still do bad things. You may believe something is wrong, but it is easy to fall into temptation and make mistakes.
I like what biarose said. It often bothers me when people tell others that they aren't a part of certain religion just because they've done something wrong. Everybody does things they shouldn't. None of the Christians I know are perfect.
11But she definitely should look to her beliefs more often if that's what she truly believes. But I don't know why she cheats. I don't get cheaters. There is obviously something going on emotionally. She sounds insecure. I agree with the advice columnist. She should work on herself.
I guess I've always been on the side of telling the person. I figure if you don't then it will come out in some other aspect of the relationship. I also believe that the person has a right to know. They'll pretty much be living a lie of a marriage forever if they don't know. Why would you want that for the person you love? And she doesn't seem like this is a one time thing and she's super sorry and will never do it again. She has some serious issues to work out. He has a right to know what he's dealing with. It stinks and may ruin her marriage, but that's just the reality. She did what she did and she can't pretend it didn't happen just to save her own bum.
#10 is very right, people think that because someone is christian they have to be perfect or should be. It's not like that, if that were the case then we wouldn't feel the need for God. We make mistakes ALL the time, we just have a different way of handling it. The reason it has to do with religion #9 is because she made it a point to mention it, and as a christian that fact is of great importance. Of course she needs to work on herself, that is a very obvious fact, but she can't do it alone. Not as a believer that is. No one said agnostics don't have morals, that too is a very ignorant assumption to make on anyone's behalf, but when a religious woman comes into play the circumstances are very different cause we no longer look to our selves for answers or at least it would be better if we didn't. But to us it's always better to look to the one whose perfect, then one who makes mistakes just like us.
12Excellent advice. I'm gonna print this and show it to a few people!
13I can truly appreciate those who take the Christianity side that Christians aren't perfect and that if a woman or a man finds her/himself in such a situation that they do need to fall at the feet of Jesus and be amazed at his response he gave to the woman caught in adultery (by the way where was the man). Go and sin no more. He never cast the stones as some of these people have. One may not have committed adultery but everyone has done something to require them to fall at the feet of Jesus! A marriage that has been empty for years or whatever will never justify adultery. You need to walk away as hard as this feels as soon as you can because there will be a lot of healing in ways that you never considered even when you truly have turned from this act! God forgives, but people continue to remind us. But we all have skeletons in our closet and being judgemental towards another is as equally as bad as a murderer or an adulterous person. I pray for peace in your life.
14True. I don't forgive people I can't trust anymore. If your husband finds out and he's the "get-even" type then that will be a problem. Why not seek for therapy with your husband. It's a hard thing to do but confronting a TRUST-BETRAYAL/CHEATING-GUILT problem like this. I guess it's the best way. It's true that there's a big burden when you are a Christian woman because that would be total hypocrisy. But really, try counseling. IT HELPS. With your husband. It's always good to get a mediator such as a counselor (not exactly a therapist).
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