Dear Sugar--
I am 26 and just moved to a different state. It has been about 10 months since I had a girlfriend (and sex) and I am currently getting serious with a girl I have been seeing. I have had the problem for years getting extremely nervous the first couple times having sex with my previous sex partners, in which I would not be able to keep it going and lose my sail if you will. Now I have this stuck in my head that this is going to happen every time I start getting serious with a woman. How do I calm down? How do I prepare to get back into the sex scene since this break?
--Nervous Ned
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Dear Nervous Ned--
It's totally normal to be nervous about having sex with a new partner. You should know that you're not alone. Everyone feels anxious, apprehensive, and excited the first time they have sex with someone new. We want it to be perfect in every way, and we often worry, "What does it mean if it isn't?"
If the first few times make you nervous with all partners, but you don't have problems with "your sail" after that, I wouldn't be too worried about it. If this is a continuous problem, it may not be nerves at all but a medical problem. You can talk to your doctor and see what treatments or medications they may prescribe.
If you're sure it's just nerves, try thinking about anything BUT making the sex perfect. If you get too caught up in your head, you're bound to lose concentration, which can lead to things going south. Tell your girlfriend how you want your first time to be, but be upfront about your fears and concerns, I am sure she has similar ones herself. You are both adults so take the mature high road and talk about it! Good luck Ned!
Isotoner
Rick Owens
GUESS
A glass of wine always helps the nerves. =P
1Haha, fsgyrl18, I was TOTALLY going to say have a drink!!! Really, relax and be open with her. If she truly cares for you then she will understand. What a sweetie you are. Good luck and go get 'em tiger!
2Sex is supposed to fun! Don't overanalyze it too much. The first time you have sex with someone new is usually NEVER perfect, there's bound to be minor bumps & awkwardness. Don't worry about that because it's natural, just try to relax & have fun with it.
3I'm agreeing with everyone else. You're building this up so much in your mind that you're gonna psych yourself out and not be able to perform at all. And as a girl, I want to say that if I'm seeing a guy and I care about him, one night of bad sex (even if it's the first time) won't turn me off from him. Good luck!
4I know alcohol helps for girls, but for guys it can have the opposite effect! Yes, it makes you more relaxed, but can do the same to certain parts of your anatomy that you definitely don't want to be relaxed! So be careful with the alcohol.
5I agree with DearSugar. Take it easy and take it slow. If you get too caught up with "I am doing it for her?" You WON'T do it for her....just relax and ENJOY!
6I wouldn't be too concerned about this. Women get nervous too, except it isn't always that obvious
I think it's pretty normal, and all kinds of things go wrong even after you've been with someone for a long time.
7I've just come out of a divorce and i've not had sex for 12 months. My new girlfriend has asked me to stay over tomorrow and i've been terrified. Just kissing her i get so nervous i cant breath. Divorce can kill your confidence. I've been reading the comments left by mainly women and it's very reassuring. I'm sure everything will be ok. Just wanted to let Ned know that its nice guys like us who care that seem to have the confidence problem and that he's not alone.
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