I agree with Dear, if he doesn't stop disrespecting you and treating you like his maid, you should definitely leave the jerk.

me too, dearsugar's got it right and it sounds like your boyfriend is scary! he shouldn't put down your goals and accomplishments as minor to his, it doesn't seem like he acknowledges some of the roles men and women need to carry out these days to have a fulfilling career.

Since I had a controlling boyfriend once but lived to tell the tale, I have no problem telling you to RUN. Run away from this guy as fast as you can. He is never going to change. The pattern has been set between you and no matter how much you talk, no matter how much he tells you things will change, it won't. Get out while you can; before it gets worse - which I can practically guarantee it will.

I agree with Marci

Things like this escalates.. First it's breaking you down to make you feel like you deserve the way you're being treated and he may even use his hands on you..

You need to get the hell out now before it gets worse... No matter how good the "good" moments are.. You need to remember that you're being treated less then you deserve and he's not going to change..

Leave

I agree with the above comments. This is textbook behavior of an abusive relationship, and by that I don't necessarily mean physically abusive. You must reevaluate what you really want & decide if you want to be stuck in a relationship like this. If the answer is no (and I hope it is!), then get out now!

how is this situation different from a master/slave relationshop? you have no say, no control, are treated poorly and your opinions are not respected. you can do better. don't tell him you are going but get a plan together so that you can get your things and be gone in the space between when he leaves and when he come home (does he ever travel on business? if not then from when he leaves for work till he comes home). leave a note saying that you are unhappy and not interested in working things out. leave no forwarding address and be done with this unfortunate chapter in your life.

Please take Marci's advice.

His behavior is abuse. PERIOD. Get out ASAP. Do not look back. 100% guarantee that if you stay, it will absolutely get worse. And worse, and worse, and worse. I repeat: GET OUT. Yes, he will find someone else, and guess what: he will treat her the same. Please do not let that someone be you; get out. He is BAD NEWS.

You are NOT deserving of that treatment from him. Do NOT allow him to convince you otherwise. He is so transparent, I have seen it all before.

Please read "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft.

Take care of yourself. We are rooting for you!!! You can do it!

- LM

control freak reminds me of tomkat. anyway, be more open to him. i once lived with a bf who was 15 years older than me and he was never like that at all with me. He pays for everything and is good at cleaning the house and buying us food for dinner coz i dont cook much. Men should never pressure their women. good luck.

control freak reminds me of tomkat. anyway, be more open to him. i once lived with a bf who was 15 years older than me and he was never like that at all with me. He pays for everything and is good at cleaning the house and buying us food for dinner coz i dont cook much. Men should never pressure their women much less make them feel unimportant... good luck.

but then again, if he is loving to you and he still makes you happy, then by all means do waht you can to fix the problem. There is not perfect relationship.

which do you prefer, a man who makes you feel important, do everything but when depressed hits you physically? There is a solution to every problem.

Ask yourself if you are still happy with him and if the relationship is worth fixing.

if your answer is no. then, have a great life with a man who can do their own thing and has no gender role issue.

You have to stand up to him as in, don't let him be the breadwinner. I agree that it seems like a hopeless situation (as in: you most likely have to break it off and leave), but, just to test the water, I'd like you to do things like:

1) Get a job (albeit part time since you're going to school)
2) Start contributing to the bills
3) If he criticized you, tell him to do it himself because after all..he knows best :rolleyes:
(And since you're contributing financially, he won't be able to justify him wanting you to do things around the house)
4) Move out from his house, get a roommate or move back in with your parents if you can't afford it. At least, it's YOUR PARENTS, y'know.

Okay, honey, if I were you, I'd rather flip burger than have someone like that talk down on me. I'd rather sacrifice and let go this "comfortable" lifestyle when he's the breadwinner, than having him be the 'master' of me. I'd rather walk, ride a bus than having him drive me around then be condescending. You shouldn't live by his wills, okay, you deserve so much better than that!

Frankly, I don't see things developing positively because he's treated you like crap when you're busy taking care of the household and going to school.
Imagine getting married to him and then having to be PREGNANT, then having his children and having to BE A STAY-AT-HOME mother. That's not going to bode well for you.

So yeah, think about what everyone has told you. Update us if you can. Good luck and take care.

Well said, Dear and Marci!

i don't think there's anything wrong with being a homemaker rather than going out and working. that being said, the breadwinner in the family has to RESPECT the job that the "breadmaker" is doing. nobody's perfect, and i think this guy has a major case of obsessive compulsive disorder! lol

but seriously, i don't think that the dynamic of you doing this rather than working (not considering college, of course, which is itself a full time job!), but the dude just has to let go of his issues. i don't think that women who are homemakers instead of working are "maids" as dearsugar said since that's their job. and it's a hard job! and it's a long job that never ends because you never leave and go home! but this dude thinks you're his slave. especially when he says that what you deal with isn't important! that's b.s.

He doesn't respect you. College is sometimes worse than a full-time job!! He's not listening to you, and he doesn't care how you feel. He is a control freak.

I disagree with the advice that you have to get a job to play by his rules. If you want to concentrate full time on your studies, that is YOUR CHOICE and often a GOOD IDEA.

And I agree, I've been in a situation like this long-term and the behavior does escalate. Believe me, there are men out there who won't EVER make you feel like sh*t. Don't let him walk all over you like this-- you wouldn't let a friend do it.

Oh my G-d. You must LEAVE him and seek therapy for you alone right away. I married this man you talk about. Yes, you are in AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP. He's controlling you. His bad temper is a red flag to his emotional problems. He is a condescending narcissist. Seriously, you must hire a therapist right away.

LISTEN HERE. My husband devalued my outstanding skills as a homemaker too, and mother of child, and p.r. practitioner of a company I helped build. He failed to pay me, REFUSED TO set up a joint bank account and kept all proceeds after bills to himself in accounts under - his own name.

He CONTROLLED ME. He always reminded me how fortunate I was to stay at home and not work in the "real world". Every day he's come home from work it was like "walking on egg shells". Wonder what mood he'll be in tonight? His attitude controlled everyone's feelings and behavior.

He's an a-h.

He expected me to stay at home with my child, yet at the same time, he devalued my hard work with our company. I overcompensated by keeping a spotless house. He didn't notice. He failed to see when I planted an entire array of perenials in the front yard and he declined failed to comment when I painted the garage and completely organized it. He did NOT blink an eye. HE EXPECTED THIS OF ME! After all, I was lucky enough to stay at home and not work - He often said.

SOUND FAMILIAR? Trust me - get out. You think he's rotten now, just wait until after you have a child w/him and are married. When you leave him he shall seek revenge with no empathy. He'll try and succeed by periodically controlling the divorce through his high-priced lawyers.

The future with this guy looks blink - girlfriend!

Bottom line, please seek therapy. Your self esteem will be built when you realize that you are depressed. With the help of a therapist, you shall recognize that the way HE treats you is UNHEALTHY. That his attitude is emotionally abusive.

He may not hit now, but if he "flys off the handle" it's only a matter of time before he crosses the line. Once he crosses that line with you, he can never go back. No amount of couple's therapy can repair this.

Whoah! We're getting ahead of ourselves here.

So, if you're not married, whew!, why stay with this guy? A bit of advice: Don't live with a boyfriend for financial reasons. Find a roommate.

TIDBIT: He's a controller. He gets a kick out of manipulating someone - you. He is what he is. He knows no other way. He can not change. Don't try to figure out why. Get out and give up before you get yourself in a committed, marriage with children mess!

You should get out of this relationship right now. This man won't ever change, he'll just keep on contolling you and controlling you.
Leave him asap.

Agreed. This is abuse!

I agree with everyone above - this really does not sound like a good relationship for you and it is not likely that he will change. He ought to respect that you work equally hard and help around the house, and not be so quick to find fault with you as if you were a recalcitrant child. I wish you all the best, I really hope that you will find someone who treats you the way you deserve to be treated.

get out! now. and dont look back... please. i cant say it any easier.

R_U_N for the door don't look back

A TRUE relationship does not involve making the partner feel bad about what they do or how well they can do things. Get out, let him pay a maid and listen to him complain.

If he really loved you he would never try to make your feelings invalid. He also shouldn't hold it over your head that he is the bread winner - you are after all going to college so one day you too can get a good job with good pay.

You say he isn't abusive? Wake up, that is exactly what he is. Your job is to go to school and better yourself not be his slave. I am telling you the best way I can -- RUN, FOREST, RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and barjar, I about cracked up when I saw your avie of the Hoff. LOL

this is definatly abuse. a boyfriend should never undermine you or turn you into something almost like his property. i know it may be hard, but leave him.

this is definatly abuse. a boyfriend should never undermine you or turn you into something almost like his property. i know it may be hard, but leave him.

hope you clicked on my hoff to get the full flavor

Relationships are mutual partnerships in respect and love. It sounds like your boyfriend does not respect you, your education, your family, or your free time. You are not his housekeeper, you are his partner - if he doesn't start treating you as an equal NOW, he NEVER will.

Reading your message scared me. Leave him now! He won't change now that's he's set all those routines. Try to go to live with a friend or with your family or anyone rather than him. Good luck!

this is the early part of an abusive relationship. now there is verbal abuse and emotional abuse and there is no reason to stand for that. you are not someone's slave. no one is in control of you except YOU. you should be lauded for being in school. you deserve a healthy, equal, and supportive relationship with a guy who can do his share and not belittle you for your life.

but this is not that guy. watch any movie, lifetime TV special, or whatever and this is how it starts. he's nice and sweet and the relationship is great at the beginning. then parts are still great, but he starts to establish himself as the controller in the situation. starts to belittle you and make you doubt yourself. starts to be verbally and emotionally abusive to get the upper hand. pretty soon, if not already, he will start to try to establish control over who you see and what you do. he may have all these high expectations to fill your time so that your other friendships slowly dissolve but he will be trying to make himself your only contact. there will keep being sweet moments. times when he's generous and nice and seems to really love you. but it will keep getting worse. there is no where for this to go but down. get out now.

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/domestic-violence/WO00044
and read this and remember, it might not seem this bad yet, but it is headed in this direction. even if one of these signs is present (and you already stated in your letter that there are several signs present: emotional and verbal abuse + controlling + bad temper + guilt tripping you ETC) it's time to go.

if you have been living with him, figure out a plan on where to go. maybe you have family in the area. perhaps you can get additional loan money from school or a part time job (which you'll have time for once you're not his slave) to pay for your own housing. whatever you do, figure out how to get yourself out and then tell this guy off. and remember remember remember above all, everyone deserves a healthy and respectful relationship. period.

Barjar -- LORD HAVE MERCY! JESUS MARIA Y JOSE!

I was not prepared for that kind of trip.....but what a trip it was..... LOL.

And must reiterate to whomever wrote this question, -- please break up with this individual....... he is demeaning you and what is worse is that eventually he will break you -- in fact he already has if you feel you always do things wrong and are not equal to him. Please get out.

try to talk to him first. maybe he is having stress from work? if he really loves you and say that he will change, then give it another try. but if he still disrespect you and say things that make you feel bad about yourself, then i really think you should leave him. you deserve much better than this.

LOL

I say let him hire a maid or let him do it himself. I went through this already and it was good to point out the dust bunnies or how the towel was hung just a bit crooked or the painting was a bit tilted. These were all things that I constantly was blamed for and called names about. Because I was just not genius enough to do them right. It was funny the excuses he made when it was his problem.

Thank god i was never the type of person to put up with any kind of BS from any man i dated.Get away from that abuser before your life becomes a living, breathing nightmare.Sounds like Marci has been there so she has some idea what you are going through.It's great advice so do yourself a huge favor and take it before it's too late. Good Luck!!!!!

Just because he's not physically abusing you now doesn't mean he won't.

You are on a slippery slope and I hate to say it but I wouldn't be at all surprised when one day he does take a shot at you. I honestly would suggest not even giving him the chance to change - just leave. And if he begs you to come back, DON'T. Men with control issues so rarely ever change.

I know how hard it can be to go to college full time and try to balance life also. Talk to your man and be upfront. Tell him how you feel and if he still doesn't understand, get the hell out

Do you really think the things you deal with everyday are minor? Of course not. They aren't. So do you really want to be with someone who thinks they are? When I was in law school I lived with a boyfriend who was 12 years older than me. He paid the bills and I probably did most of the shopping and laundry, but not because it was my "job." My job was to go to school and study. The rest we worked out together. And together is really the key word. Your boyfriend is dictating to you and belittling you. That is not the give and take and open communication a healthy relationship has.

I am now almost the age my boyfriend was then. At the time because he was older he did seem more worldly and more experienced than I was. Now I know that he didn't know as much as I gave him credit for. Relationships are as complicated for me now as they were then. Time hasn't given me all the answers (and 9 years really isn't that long). Relationships are wonderful but they are hard. To make it in the long run you both need to feel respected and you need your needs met just as well as his.

I used to date this guy who gave me "tips" on how to dress and do my hair. I was young and didn't know any better. But then one day we were walking around the mall and he started talking about how the man had the right to tell the woman how to dress because it was the woman's duty to please the man. I did not put up with that. He couldn't believe that I would disagree with him. He broke up with me the next day before I could break up with him. The experience did give me the gumption to speak up later when I got married my husband said that he didn't like how I did the laundry. (We were newly married.) I told him that if he didn't like it he could do it himself. He said OK. He has been doing his laundry -- and mine -- all this time. I have not done any laundry in 11 years. Woo-hoo! He's right, by the way. He is much better at laundry than I am.

bad relationship. get out now!

How long until the comments become punches? How long until you are not only his maid, but also his punching bag?

How much are you willing to endure for the sake of trying to please a man who cannot be pleased?

He is inconsiderate towards your needs, lazy because he doesn't do the housework and sounds like a complete waste of time.. effort.. and space!!

You are not his mother, maid, or child. You are a grown woman that deserves respect. It doesn't manner if he's working and making money. You are working hard in college trying to prepare yourself for a better place in the working world. Hopefully he's not jealous and thinks that you may just become more than him.

Bottom line, you don't have to tolerate him. Who knows whats next. Look at your options here and everywhere because his next step may be touching you (hitting) in order to control you.

HE WILL ONLY GET .....WORSE. Do something soon. You cannot study or live that way.

wow

what a jerk

you defo deserve better

but if you dont think so you should set him in his place

You're the type of girls that blow over guys with class and who treat women right because you let yourself be subjects of control and abuse. You only accept what you deserve. Leave him and give the other guys who treat you well all the time a chance. but then again you only go after jerks in the first place. Good luck with your jerk bf.

okay i am 18 years of age and so is my boyfriend...resently I came america,.4 yrs ago.he stil live in africa,nirobi city,1200,000 miles away! We want to keep this relationship going but we dont know how, or if it will work...we wont be able to see eachother because obviously we can not drive that far by ourselves lol (laugh out loud) so what do we do? We love eachother and we have been dating for about 7 monthes! we dont want to quit now because a few 1,000 miles is between us lol(laugh out loud)but our friends think we are crazy for even trying.... i call every knight.i text him evey minute.i dont money that i buy card or calling him long distance. my mom will not allowed me to go africa.that is where i grew yp.egypt,cairo.i got depresion LASTI NEED HELP!!!

That's unfair. You have two different worlds (he's working, you're in school) and both of you have totally different priorities! Just because he's older it doesn't mean that he's the one more responsible and he knows better because like you said, you're doing your best to please him. He should also understand and appreciate what you're doing for him. Maybe besides being controlling, he's a perfectionist and perfectionistic standards are very dangerous!

A radical solution I can think of is that you leave him for a month on his own. Live away! It sounds unethical but why not? Maybe he has the some right to do that if he's already your husband because it's really part of wifely deeds but to think that he's still your boyfriend! His traditional values seem patriarchal than just traditional because it's very strict and controlling.

I'm sorry if I reacted so strongly. I just don't like unequal rights between genders.