Dear E. Jean--
I'm 32 and married with two kids. A couple of months ago I went on a business trip and met a nice guy working in the same field. After three days of him trying to convince me that it's OK to taste the forbidden fruit, I slept with him. He’s also married with kids and I thought this would be a one-night stand.
However ever since I came back he’s been calling. It’s usually regarding work. But in between the "work issues", we engage in back and forth flirting. We’ve met twice since the business trip and the sex is incredible!
I don't know what he’s thinking or if he plans to escalate the matter. Am I just another notch on his belt? I thought that I could control myself; but lately my mind is preoccupied with him. I’ve never been unfaithful before, but I can't stop day dreaming about this man. I know I’m in deep, but l don’t know what to do. Help!
To see E. Jean's answer read more
YOU ADORABLE HALF WIT: Did you say . . . . . . . “deep?” Oh, you’re in deep alright -- deep in a deliciously lusty, electrifying passionate affair where everybody smells divine, wears expensive underwear, and no kids totter into the bedroom and throw-up on your pillow. It’s all sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, with a little high drama thrown in.
And you’re writing to Auntie Eeee and DearSugar asking what you should “do.” You’re wondering about being a “notch” on Mr. Taste Fruit’s belt and wishing to know if he “plans to escalate?”
Bah!
The last thing you want to do is escalate. If you escalate, that means you divorce your husband and marry Mr. Incredible Sex. And when you marry Mr. Incredible Sex, you’ll soon be just as bored and irked with him. And when you get bored and irked with him, you’ll go on a business trip and have an affair with a new Mr. Notch-Belt.
Come on. Your affair may be heartfelt, but the guy’s a cheat, a liar, and a scoundrel. You can go on deceiving your husband, which will lead to divorce, which will in turn destroy the happiness of your children and completely ruin your life. . . . Or, you can do the smart thing: Do not see the seedy little bugger again.
To see more advice from E. Jean visit Elle Magazine and AskEJean.com
Meltin Pot
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Claudie Pierlot
Uhm...
I don't think the problem is if you are another notch on his belt, I think the problem is you are CHEATING on your husband, while you have kids. And he is married too with kids!
I don't even know where to start. I think you need to come clean to your husband, and go get some counseling. Why you think it is okay to cheat, with a coworker, while both of you are married, is beyond me.
Honestly, people like you make me wonder if marriage is even worth it. Didn't you VOW to be faithful? I really hope the person I am marrying will be a good person and a good father.
1I can't believe you don't feel more guilty about this. You have pretty much destroyed the integrity of your marriage, and someone else's. You are more selfish and self-absorbed than the pster who wanted to break up with her boyfriend over his name. 2 kids? did you ever think how upset they would be to find out mommy and daddy got divorced because mommy is a slut?
2P.S. Cheating is not okay, ever. it doesn't matter that the guy makes you feel special, and everything is awesome and the sex is great. there is no excuse for it. ever.
3Haha, I'm still laughing at jean's answer. However, I get annoyed when people start getting all high and mighty on the subject of her cheating, that isn't her question at hand. Move on this guy is an obvious no-gooder and if you value your marriage, I would suggest putting the time into that! Good luck
4I feel sorry for your poor husband, he probably doesn't have a clue as to what's going on and still thinks that you love him.
You need to dump Mr. Forbidden Fruit, whether he's great in bed or not. Lose him forever, don't ever speak to him again.
Next, confess to your husband what you have done. Don't make excuses as to why it was okay to do, because it wasn't okay to do. You are an adult and cannot blame ANYONE but yourself (no, you can't even pass the blame to Mr. Forbidden Fruit). You are wrong in this situation, and you are to take full responsibility for what happened. Making excuses will just make the pill harder to swallow for your poor husband.
After you've confessed, get some marital therapy. Don't expect your husband to forgive you right away (after all, would you forgive HIM right away if he did what YOU did?) It's going to take a lot of time, healing, and therapy.
If it's all about the sex, then why not talk with your husband about ways to spice things up in the bedroom? If you're craving great sex... make it great with the man you love, with the man you vowed to cherish, with the man that you conceived and raised your babies with... not with some horny pervert who comes to you when he is sex-deprived.
5Oh... one more thing. If at all possible, avoid working with Mr. Forbidden Fruit at all costs. If you absolutely HAVE to, make sure that it is work-related ONLY. If you have to meet him for a business meeting or something, make sure there are more than just you two at the meeting. You cannot be alone with him at ANY cost or it will happen again. If it is necessary to meet with him for work purposes, why not bring along your husband and tell him to bring his wife? That's a surefire way to keep you two in line.
6agreed with everyone on here!
7Poor, self-absorbed you. Grow up and snap out of it.
8HAHA- of all the things WRONG in this scenario- your worried about 'being another notch in his belt'? What about your husband- who is home with your kids?!
9Pop, you are AMAZING! short, sweet and to the point!
yes, i agree with Pop 1000%. you're not even remorseful about what you are doing. you are playing with fire and you'll be burned very soon. frankly, you deserve whatever is coming to you.
10I'm with everyone above me on this. I really can't believe that you don't seem to feel even the littlest bit of regret about this entire situation!
Seriously, of all things to be worried about, you pick that one. You're worried that he might not be serious about you, but so what if he is? Then the two of you can get divorced from your respective spouses, get married, and then cheat on each other!
Lather, rinse, repeat, baby. Stop for a second and THINK about what you're doing!
11I am with pop and nica. Lets see, you met him and he tried to convince you to have sex with him for three days? I wonder what those conversations were all about (rolls eyes). A normal self-respecting woman (worse for a married one) would have told him "not interested" the first day. You are worried you are just a notch on his belt? please, that is the least of your worries. I would implore that you stay away from this man but I have a feeling you are too self-absorbed to even understand what you are doing wrong. Jean said the guy was a cheat, a liar and a scroundrel and you are cut out of the same cloth.
12Sounds like a match made in heaven.
No wait, I mean hell.
Welcome to "how to alienate your husband and destroy your kids lives" 101.
13I agree with all the comments...you are UNBELIEVABLE! Why would you put your marriage in jeopardy for a roll is the hay? Ypu're both very sick, self-absorbed people and deserve each other. Anyone who cheats will continue to so so...why don't you just get divorced, marry the sex addict (you're one too) and then find someone new with whom to cheat? Why don't you look up self-absorbtion in the dictionary...you'll see a picture of yourself. Tell your husband what you did and then he can get custody of the children as he is obviously the better parent.
14Women like you make me sick. You are married AND have kids, and the only thing on your mind is the OTHER guy? Honey...
1. You can't REALLY think he is going to leave his wife for you, do you? Haha...that idea is laughable.
2. If he's cheated on his wife with you, do you honestly think he hasn't cheated with numerous OTHER women? Go get yourself checked for STDs--your poor husband doesn't deserve to get whatever you may have.
3. Pray that your kids don't grow up resenting you when they find out what you did. I know I would if one of my parents ever did what you just did.
4. I can't say it enough. Women like you are really, really, sad.
15sad... my heart breaks for your family...
16The first comment has it right - you are worried that you are a notch on the belt?!? WTF?!? I feel no sorrow for you, only for your poor husband and children, whose lives you may have very well ruined.
17I agree with the first comment too! Are you kidding me here? I'm really disgusting with the fact that you are worrying about being a notch on some hornball's belt..Have you thought about your family? Your kids? seriously, reading this just
very much disgusts me..
18=\
see everyone else's comments...
19Wow, is she REALLY a slut for having sex outside her marriage? i didn't read anything about her getting paid for it
20hell,it's not nice, she should probably sort things out, but none of us knows what kind of relationship she has with her husband, sorry for the kids if they divorce, and yeah, oh-poor-me-being-a-another-notch-on-his-belt is kinda banal, but why is everyone doing the holier than thou, i'm so disgusted, what an evil person thing?
batkitty, i am being holier-than-thou because i have never cheated and been cheated on. I think that gives me a right to judge since i have been through it.
21Wow, you people are vicious. Cheating doesn't automatically mean that she's a bad person, you don't know her situation, and a most of you have probably never even had the opportunity to be unfaithful.
Anyways, he is using you. Any guy that you hook up with on a business trip, is using you. It's pretty much the law haha.
The way I see it, You have two options. You can have one or the other, or both, but you have to pick at least one; divorce your husband, or quit your job. There's no way you have a chance at saving your marriage unless you quit (unless you're the guy's boss and you can fire him, but then he could sue you for wrongful termination, and would win). If you decide to go with the divorce option, be prepared to also be dumped by Mr Awesome Sex. If you're single, there's a chance for your relationship to advance, and he'll run away.
22and whoa, cravinsugar, I just saw your new post. Just because you dated a douchebag doesn't mean you have the right to judge a girl you don't know. The only people with a right to judge are her family and his family. Unless you're married to Mr Awesome Sex, you have 0 right to judge.
23Maybe some of us were a bit too harsh in our comments. I apologize if I seemed harsh. However, I do stand by the fact that that cheating on your husband was not the right thing to do (else why would you have resisted three days). I still say that you need to dump Mr. Forbidden Fruit, and that you should work things out with your husband to have a happy marriage again. I really hope that you can shake this work-relationship and work things out with your dear husband for the better. Best of wishes in your marriage.
24I apoligize for soundihng vicious. But, atleast in my situation, the girl with whom my man cheated on me with acted like a slut. she knew he was taken, on the occassion i had to be somewhere at the same time as her, she stared at me with a coy smile knowing i was the girl friend and that she had slept with my boyfriend.
I also have been in a position to be unfaithful, and I did not.
Also, I just don't think people who cheat, WHATEVER the circumstances, have much moral character. Esp when married. You took a vow to love honor and cherish each other, and the marriage itself.
Sorry if i offended anyone, but i won't apologize for how i feel. my current man feels the same way, so i am not the only person on earth who feels that way. Cheating doesn't "just happen" and it isn't okay.
25Cravinsugar... I know for a fact that you're not the only one that feels that way. Just look at all the comments that have been placed. A majority of the people feel the same way as you. I know that most of us don't MEAN to sound vicious, but it's one of those touchy situations that people feel VERY strongly about... and when feelings are strong, so are the words that come from those feelings. Sometimes people need to hear those strong words as it's the only wakeup call they will get.
26I agree that you should end the affair immediately, and also look for another job. I disagree though, with those who have advised to confess to your husband.
From the stories I have heard, these kinds of confessions usually tear families apart, and are more harmful and hurtful in the long run. Confessing is usually kind of selfish...it makes the unfaithful party feel like a weight has been lifted off their shoulders, but it dumps it onto their spouse. I say, go to therapy and confess to a counselor, and then work on making your marriage as important as your career and your kids.
27I do not think anyone here is being vicious and I am not holier than holy, but come on. This is a married woman and he is a married man. Jean said the man was a scroundrel but she is doing the same thing. And to whomever said the people making a judgment may not have had an opportunity to cheat, please, we all can cheat... it is not hard to find someone but if you take vows or are in a committed relationship you do not do so. If you stopped caring about your husband, deal with that and if the relationship does not work separate and then have all the sex you want with strangers, but even then don't have sex with a married man. It is rather simple.
28I disagree with the advice given NOT to confess. The reason is... if you end the relationship with this guy that you work with, what's to keep him from telling your husband? How many other people know about this affair? I think it is far better to confess to your husband, rather than have him hear it from someone else. What if you got pregnant, and the baby wasn't his? You need to tell him or it will just eat away at you hiding something from him... also to avoid the possibility that he may find out from someone else before he finds out from you.
29Ailene, although I agree that confessing is good, it depends what this woman wants to do, and she has not said anything about working on her relationship, if she breaks up with her husband over this loser who wanted to have sex with her from the first "date" they met and was trying to get her to taste his forbidden fruit (rolling eyes again) then just break it off and let it be-- eventually he will know it is for an infidelity. Then again she is having sex with a man that is married and was asking her to have sex from the first time they met and sadly it ain't probably the first time he has cheated -- so I guess he deserves to know if she was not using protection. (pondering inside). If she wants to work on her marriage, then she needs to tell him what she did and why and hope he forgives her. I hope this woman the best but based on her only concern... I doubt she wants to work on this marriage. I can only hope maybe some of these comments wake her up.
30We've all made mistakes in our lives. Maybe some of us have cheated, maybe some of us haven't. I know a lot of people who have cheated, and I don't think they are inherently bad or evil.
I think the viciousness and holier-than-thou aspect comes out because this person doesn't seem to give a sh*t about the repercussions of any of her actions. She's more concerned about whether she's being used by the guy she cheated with. (The answer to that is yes, by the way, in case none of us were specific enough.)
For me, if she had written in that she cheated and oh boy does she regret it, she has been hurting for 2 weeks over her mistake, and how can she make it better, I'm sure we would have been gentler.
But the tone of your email was so ridiculous and so, well, sociopathic, that I didn't really feel very sympathetic.
31Vany... agreed with you on that one. If she's just going to dump her husband anyway (poor guy) then she probably doesn't need to tell him. I was hoping that wasn't going to be an option.
Pop, totally agree with what you said. I just realized I never really answered the question about if she was being used. The answer is yes... if he's only with her for work and sex... then that's all the relationship can ever be... notice that it happened when he wasn't getting it from his wife? He was probably just horny...
Very sad situation, regardless.
32E. Jean mentions that this dude is "a cheat, a liar, and a scoundrel." She forgot to mention that YOU are too! Both of you people make me so heartsick. I cannot believe how low you are, involving children and spouses in all of this. Despicable.
33Bring bring hello it's obvious calling and it's for you you twit. One you are cheating on your man, two if this guy can cheat with you he can do it with anyone, three he convinced you therefore you are just a blip in his radar and there must be dozens of blips right now. Catch a clue and don't be so silly.
34They are both cheats and they deserve what ever may happen. I have no sympathy for either of them. The true victims here are the children and spouses.
35My experience with cheating is such...you loose a very deep sense of trust for the human race. I was recently cheated on...he not only cheated after 4 years together...but he also got the girl pregnant. I have never understood the act of cheating, although I have been in the position of temptation. And not to toot my own horn, but I could never bring myself to go through with it. Therefore, I understand everyone's strong feelings for this matter. Someone who is capable of deceiving someone they care about in such a cruel way doesn't deserve to be loved.
36I think you should leave your husband for this guy. You obviously deserve each other.
I feel really sorry for your kids. For the sake of your family, come clean and grow the hell up. It's not all about you.
37cheaters cheaters cheaters cheaters cheaters
Lol, I can't believe the issue is whether you're another notch on his belt...geez...if I was completely unsatified with my marriage to the point that some smooth talking MARRIED man convinced me to have sex with him...I would just get a divorce...force my new man to get a divorce...get married...join both our "happy happy" children\family...and be the new brady bunch....ain't that swell.
cheaters cheaters cheaters cheaters cheaters
KEEP DREAMING...aparently in that no morals cloud where you both live everything will be alright!
38UNBELIEVABLE!! hollier than thou???? HELLO???? These are two married people here...one doesn't need to be "better" to know that this is wrong...it doesn't matter what the problems in both their marriages are...the truth is that you get married to live with someone for THE REST OF YOUR LIFE...not just for a few years until you get bored...if people wanna make "mistakes"...and "learn the hard way" or "change for the better after the fact"...why not stay single???? or be the better person END YOUR CURRENT RELATIONSHIP and then do it????
I would like to think that when my husband comes and tells me he's made a mistake is because he bought me lemons instead of apples...not because he slept with half his staff. Just sayin'.
39Totally agree, gossipqueen. The woman who wrote this is being unbelievably selfish, and I don't think pointing that out makes you a big meanie. (Sometimes I can understand why cultural conservatives think liberals are so ridiculous, with their attitude of "don't judge anyone--even liars and cheaters! You might hurt their feelings, oh no!")
40Two words: Desperate & Pathetic. It is disappointing to read this. DearSugar, please post only THINKING individuals' requests for advice. This was a no brainer. Less obvious questions please.
41My Dear Italiana,
Although I usually agree with your comments,
and find your words almost always brilliant......
I must disagree.
The is NOT a no-brainer.
This is a triple-brainer.
When people find themselves in the
of white-hot-molten core of a clalndestine
affair, their brains actually SHUT DOWN.
According to the illustrious Helen Fisher,
the anthropoligist from Rutgers, various
parts of the brain connected with plannning
TURN OFF when people fall in love. As do
parts of the brain associated with fear.
(This is why people say "I am madly in love.)
If anyone needs advice, it this poor women.
Ravishing REgards,
E. Jean.
P.S. On the subject of "CONFESSING."
42You should never never never never
tell your husband you had an affair. A
wise woman knows when to stay silent
I, myself, must be in love because
I can't spell clandestine. . . . Or----egads!
anthropologist. Dang! Or close the
quotes on "I am madly in love."
I must be enjoying some BIG hanky-panky.
43EJean wrote the best possible answer.
you are just sad, you know? cheating on your husband like that? just like how we girls on Sugar band against straying husbands and side with the torn wife, we band against you and your dirty, cheating self. seriously, what kind of comfort did you expect? i feel incredibly sorry for your husband. i hope you don't give him a horrible STD--not only is it the worst way to find out that you've been cheating on him, he doesn't need to be punished with an infection for a sin he didn't commit.
44Ok, I doubt that you will read this, as there have been a lot of comments.
I don't think that you should tell your husband. If something like that happens it is really really bad, but I once heard (and I fully agree): If you only tell because then YOU feel better, but at the same time destroy the life of your partner and your family, than keep it for yourself, because that would be really selfish. You will have to deal with the thought of having cheated to a beloved one for yourself.
I also don't agree with many here who say that the guy probably has cheated many times/gave you STD, you're both doing the same thing, you haven't cheated before, and maybe he didn't either. So we just don't know.
AND I think that these things can happen. We're all human beings and we struggle in life and these things can happen.
45BUT this is really bad! You have to stop that! Someone said: grow up! And I fully agree with that! You slipped, I can accept that this happens, but now you're fully aware of what you're doing, and now stop it! Avoid him as much as possible and, the day dreams of him will stop, and pull yourself together!
I am shocked at how many people here say to hide this from your husband. I never hide anything from my husband. I am open and honest with him about everything, even if I have done something wrong. He's the same way with me... and when you start hiding things from each other... it creates tension, suspicion, and hate. When you tell each other everything... some things may sting just a little, but in the long run, you trust and love each other more... and there is no tension.
46Wow, EJean, I can't believe YOU responded to my comment! Thanks, and I support what you told the gal. One major snag, however, in the Helen Fisher argument posted above. She wasn't "IN LOVE" the moment she made the decision in her mind to cheat on her husband. But, she was surely desperate and pathetic. Also, even if she was IN LOVE, causing her brain to shut down, as you said, does that make it ok for people with reduced capacity to hurt other people? People drink too much all the time, but it doesn't make it less wrong for them to get in a car and endanger others by driving it. Of course, that's legally speaking, but I like to imagine mothers protecting their children from unnecessary and deconstructive harm. Anyway, thanks for your response. I can see you obviously care about your readers.
47Wow. I didn't always agree with the advice you gave, E. Jean, but I'm SHOCKED to read that "wise women" never tell. Didn't you say that continuing to deceive will end up in divorce? Once the act is committed, not telling the truth is still deceiving. A family member had a very secretive affair and I could tell for that time that he wasn't "himself"; something was eating him up inside and it all came out. I imagine if she never tells, the shame and guilt will eat her up as well.
Everyone struggles at one time or another. I think cheating is always wrong, despite any "situation" that would that would somehow negate morality and reality. The acts of cheating have totally changed my perception of love and marriage, and the affair was had by an extended family member. To say that lives are shattered is an understatement, and that goes for the breadth of devastation magnitude as well.
48Oh dear, this is so past the date that it probably doesn't matter, but I had to say something.
NOT TELLING? Who suggests that? That's just waiting for all kinds of various living-in-fear, accidentally-slipping, someone-letting-it-out drama to ensue. Tell him. Yeah, you messed up. Hugely, majorly, possibly unforgivably. But if he finds out you cheated AND lied about it? Hugely, majorly, definitely unforgivable.
Where are all these kids?
49You are having a hot and sexy affair with a businessman. Sounds like you've got enough right there. Count your chickens, my dear.
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