If you were going to someone's house for dinner, regardless of the whether you know them, would you bring a hostess gift? (I hope you would, it's only polite!) You're going to a party they're hosting, it's not unreasonable to expect you to chip in for the gift, in my opinion. I think it might have been nice of your boyfriend to get your input on the gift, but otherwise - I don't think it's altogether that unreasonable.

Hmm this is a tough one. I can definitely see both sides. I'm curious to hear what other people think.

I think your boyfriend is right. Since you were not invited its only fair you help him out with the gift. Honestly is not that big of a deal so i think you should just give your 50 and go and have a good time.

I think this is crazy. I draw the line with the thinking of am I just a number or do I have a name (via the invitation)? A name at least implies a relationship to the couple. I have never been in this situation. I have paid 100% for the gift if I brought a +1 and have not been asked to pay if I went as a +1.

And as far as hostess gifts I think the same thing. As a couple you bring a gift, that hopefully the invited party has enough couth to provide.

I'm sure these people are paying way more than $50 to have them at their wedding, so I don't think it is unreasonable to assume that would chip in $50. Especially since your name will be on a gift that worth $200. I went to a wedding with my boyfriend a few years ago and i had never met the couple and i slipt the gift evenly with him.

I see the point of you being a part of the gift your boyfriend gives, but I think it was completely unreasonable of him to ask you to chip in. As you have been invited as his guest, he should be responsible for the gift and put your name on it, as you have been kind enough to accompany him. Is chivalry dead?? And, were it the other way around, I would expect the girl to pay for the gift too and just be glad her boyfriend/date has agreed to escort her! Once a couple is married I wouldn't imagine there is a lot of hair-splitting over the costs of things like this, so why should there be now?

oops i mean paying more than $50 to have your at their wedding.

You've been together for a year and a half and obviously want the relationship to continue. Whenever I get annoyed at my husband, I always as myself "Is this worth fighting over or being offended over? Do I really want to pick a fight over this?" If the answer is yes, then I proceed on. If the answer is no, I let it drop but remember to bring it up in a nonconfrontational way later, like at dinner or in the shower and just say "hey, it sort of bothered me when you did/said this earlier today, next time can you...."

Personally I would not be offended because if these people mean that much to my sig. other that he wants to go all out on a gift, I don't have a problem helping him with it. I would bring it up later by saying "hey, I don't mind helping to pay for the gift, but next time can you ask me if I want to help and then get my input on a gift."

Also, depending on the etiquette the bride and groom was following, they may not have thought it was appropriate to add your name to the invitation since you were not as yet living together and since they have yet to meet you. Do not be offended about the "+guest". Only one of my husband's friends had their girlfriend's name on the invitation and that was only because we knew them as a couple for as long as we had been together. Everyone else who wasn't married/living together was "and guests".

hmmmmmm, toughie :s

Well, one one hand, to me it is how he SAID it (if indeed those were his exact words)

"Great, it was just about $200 so you can just give me $50 for it since you don't really know them."

How about:
"Great, it was just about $200 so do you mind or what do you think of chipping in a bit for it? It's not a big deal...and if you can't I don't mind at all covering it...since you don't really know them."

But, on the other hand, I see megan921's point as well. IS chivalry dead? Depending on what his financial situation is, maybe he should not have asked and just done the gentlmanly thing and covered it.

Either one of those options would have been easier to swallow. If he really needed a hand with the cost of the gift, he could have asked in a better way. But, no, I don't think it's totally unreasonable that you should have to throw in something, after all, your dinner/drinks/whatever cost the couple $$$, so giving back is more or less an unwritten courtesy.

If I was the OP, it would bother me, too. Given that I never met the couple, I would be attending the wedding FOR MY BOYFRIEND (because he asked me to be his date). I wouldn't be there for the couple, as I do not know them. Besides, I hate attending weddings of couples I do not know. Chances are, I wouldn't know most of the people in the reception either, and would never see them again. It's forced socialization, which is a burden to say the least.

Given that, I wouldn't want to pay for the gift (on top of that). I may be petty, but like I said, attending a stranger's wedding is taxing enough already. I'm uninspired to chip in on the gift.

If my boyfriend disapproves, then I would not attend the wedding with him. All I need is half a reason not to go. He could find another date. I would be more than happy to sit out on this one.

i don't think he asked in a bad way - he actually is giving you a "deal" based on his thinking (his thinking being that you should be sharing the cost with him

I would pay. A friend of my BF is a friend of mine, and we are a couple, we live together -- we do these sorts of things *together*, so for me, it would be an absolute no brainer. Oh, and the fact that we have a joint account, too. Before we had this type of relationship, I still chipped in, or even bought a totally different gift that I loved. It is polite to do. I would bring a gift to a hostess, and this is someone's wedding! Of course they want the pleasure of your company the most, but it's nice to bring a gift of congratulations. What if you were invited to a distant co-workers baby shower? Would you show up empty-handed just because you're not BFF? of course not!

I have no problem with chipping in for a gift or buying a gift. Granted your BF could have handled it differently, but it's not a huge issue.

i agree with you yogaforlife, you just have to pick your fights in life for your peace of mind and in a relationship, so like i said, not a big deal at all.

I would never expect my +1 to pay any amount of money for a gift for MY friends. My boyfriend went with me to a friend's wedding a few years ago and it never crossed my mind to ask him for the money for the gift. He was MY guest, not theirs. And I don't think it's fair to compare a wedding to a dinner party. Wedding gifts are expensive. And, in this case, it's not like the couple agreed to a dollar amount for the gift. Her boyfriend just said "Hey, you owe me $50." Um, no.
Also, I don't think it's "picking a fight" to have a discussion with your boyfriend about this. It sounds like you guys should talk about money and what the expectations are when things like this come up. It's not right to decide something is a shared cost after the fact. What is/isn't considered a joint expense in your relationship?

The bride and groom are paying for your food, drinks, and entertainment. And they don't even know you either! You and your bf are guests.

If you've been together for a year and a half, and you can't flat out tell him that you don't know the people and you don't want to pay for the gift, then I think that is sort of telling. I would understand the awkwardness if it involved a friend, co-worker, or a boyfriend of only a couple months. But this is the person you've spent a year and a half of your life dating. I don't mean to imply that that gives you the license to hurt his feelings or purposely pick fights, but you should be able to speak frankly to him about your feelings.

Having said that, I think you should tell him it annoys you, but at the same time, I've chipped in or paid in entirety for my boyfriend's friends' wedding gifts. He also pays for random things for me. I find relationships work best when you're not keeping a running tab, as long as one person isn't blatantly free-loading off the other.

You should not have to pay. My boyfriend and I have been dating for 3 years and I drag him to weddings as my +1 and purchase the gift myself 100% of the time. If it were the other way around and I was attending a wedding for his friends, it would be the same ordeal.

Talk to him about this and put it into a different perspective. Ask him if he feels as though he would need to contribute to a gift to two people that he did not know.

yoga you took the words right out of my mouth. couldn't agree more.
my bf and i have been together for over 3 years, do not live together, and pretty much have always split the cost when it comes to gifts so long as it's agreed that the card or tag will note the gift is from both of us.

I see both sides, but i would feel obligated to buy a gift for someone if i was going to their wedding.

It would have been nice of your boyfriend to ask instead of expect.
At the same time, I think you should chip in since you are attending as well. Just make sure your name is on the present too so they know you as a person instead of just his +1.

If you have been together a year and a half and can't discuss this with him there is a problem.

You were invited by him and if he felt like you paying part was an issue he should have addressed it right then with more tact than what he used. I would just pay the $50 and say that next time advanced notice of buying any future presents would be nice so you could buy a gift together if you were going. Buy a card. Sign a thoughtful message so the couple and him see your contribution also. Chivalry isn't dead. I have that with my SO and that's the way he would have handled it.

If your name is going on the card, you should chip in. It would be one thing if you really were just a "+1", but you're not. You're his long-term girlfriend. I'm pretty sure if he was single and asked a girl from work to go as his date, he wouldn't ask her to pay. It's different rules when you're an actual couple, IMO. And it's not like you're never going to see any of these people again.

They're not your friends so who cares?! It's on him, not you. I will iterate, they're not you're friends!

After reading all the comments I went back and reread the article. My impression was that it was not the money, it was the assumption that bothered her. I agree with yogaforlife, not everything needs to be a fight and you have to carefully chose what issues you want to make a big deal of (just because you feel something doesn't mean you need to act on it), but chances are if it bothered her enough to write in about it, there may be something deeper than simply the assumption he made in this particular case that is bothering her. And if there is, that should be explored and expressed in a constructive way.

And I feel for her on the +1 business (and perhaps her resentment on this may be a big part of the issue). When my now-husband's brother got married the invitation was to him + guest, nowithstanding that we had been together for 5 years and I had attended every family event (including Christmases). We were told it was proper "etiquette." It offended both he and I greatly (and it's been over 11 years and it still burns me every time I think about it) and signified to us a lack of respect for our commitment to each other because our relationship did not fit in the arbitrary category of individuals entitled to have their name on the invitation. My husband/then boyfriend expressed his displeasure about the manner in which the invitation was addressed - if her boyfriend did not, could this be contributing to the way she feels?

Chloe Bella & Anonymous 1:12 - Awfully judgmental, don't you think? This girl is asking our opinion about a specific situation, not her relationship. Boo.

I am shocked that he would ask you to contribute. I often take my boyfriend of 4 years to weddings of my friends. I pay for the gift entirely as well for his flight and the hotel room. He does the same when they are weddings of his friends. When he goes with me to weddings, he is doing me a favor and going because I want him there -- why would I ask him to pay for any part of the gift?! I am shocked and utterly confused.

I agree that it depends on whether your name was on the card. If so, then there isnt as much of a problem with contributing. However, if he is just trying to lighten his load without letting them know it was from you too, then yeah, i wouldnt be too happy.
on a side note- its actually not correct etiquette to put "and guest" on a wedding invitation. Supposedly if the bride/groom know their invited guest well enough to let them bring someone, they are supposed to call and find out the "plus one's" name. Yes, I'm from the South and no, I dont plan on doing that at my wedding!!

This is really tough. I say he should have paid for the entire gift, but it's not worth fighting over especially if you say you can afford the $50. It's been a year and a half and you say everything else is good in the relationship so let it slide. Next time talk about financial aspects of a situation before it gets to that point, don't just assume you know what he'll do.

Oh just be nice and chip in

I'm sorry, but it's 50 bucks.. I'm sure the dinner and drinks will be worth more than that.

Hate "plus one". So impersonal. She couldn't find out your name after 18 months? By all means chip in. Then take the boyfriend shopping for what you will wear. He can chip in for that

Like you said, the money and having a gift for the couple isn't the point. I agree that your bf was very rude. If my bf had just assumed I was going to help pay for the gift I would have been upset too. Whether or not you are ok with paying part of it, your bf should have had the decency to ask you opinion/discuss the issue with you before he just demanded you pay $50 without even wanting your input whatsoever. I mean you didn't even help pick the present out! He just got it and then said you should pay this much for it. Geez.
If he does things like this very often, I would be worried. B/c to me that would mean he doesn't respect or care about your opinion. And actually, I recently broke up with my last bf b/c he did things like this ALL the time. I constantly felt disrespected and just like my opinion never mattered. But if this is the first time he's done something like this, then just talk to him. Who knows what he was thinking...or more likely, not thinking until you talk to him about it. Tell him it really upset you and why. Then if it happens again is when I would really be worried. Good luck.

I think it also depends on the invite as well.... is both of your names or is it just his with guest?

I guess it would bother me a bit if he didn't discuss the amount of the gift first. I would be okay chipping in even if I didn't know them even though I probably wouldn't expect them to pay if the situation was reversed. Basically I think I would be slightly annoyed and would probably mention it, but I wouldn't make a big deal out of it. I don't think it's worth a fight. Just let him know what you would prefer him to do next time.

i don't understand why people are comparing a +1 wedding invite and a dinner party gift the same. they are not. if you're invited to a dinner party even if you don't know the people yet, you will after being invited to their home. they presumably invited you by name. a wedding invitation as a +1 is hardly similar. as his +1, her bf could have brougth anyone. if she didn't exist and he brougth another girl who was equally unfamiliar with the couple, would everyone expect that date to pay for the gift? i doubt it.

brides need to forget "etiquette" in situations like this and just include the SO on the invite. i've never heard of anyone being offended by being included, only discluded. i personally think the bride and groom are the rude ones here. they obviously know about her. so what if they're not living together/engaged/married. those designations really mean nothing these days.

this has happened to me before and i was so offended, something that doesn't happen often. the difference was i knew the bride and groom, went on spring break with the bride, and even looked at magazines and had several wedding discussions with her. well all hung out together all through college. my bf was even the best man and he got the wedding invite and i was the +1. they said it was etiquette. i never got an invite so they never got a gift. i wouldn't even sign the card from my bf. i only went b/c my bf begged me to since he was best man and really wanted a date. i don't know why it mattered to him since he abandoned me the whole night anyhow.

anyway, since you can't say anything to the couple, you need to decide if this is worth the argument with your bf. i suspect it isn't, but i understand your frustration. no invite, no gift is my strict policy.

oh, and if your BF regularly does disrespectful/rude things like this, i'd take another look at the relationship...

So annoying. He should ask politely, not assume. But try not to boil over on a $50 deal breaker. I guess I would just have to have a nice open chat about it. A nice loud open chat. Say your peace. Then tactfully chip in what you can, maybe $30.

I echo what chloe bella said—he is your boyfriend of 1 1/2 years, and I hope you can approach him about this. At the very least, you should feel comfortable saying, "I feel a little weird paying for the gift; I don't even know the couple!" You might find that he simply has a different perspective; perhaps by saying, "you can just give me $50," he meant that he doesn't *want* you to feel obligated to split the cost with him. It's possible that as soon as you tell him how *you* see the situation, he'll realize that it's a bit strange (and unfair!) for his "plus guest" to be responsible for funding 25% of the gift.

his asking was rather presumptuous. like you said, you don't live together, so i'm guessing that most of your financial transactions like paying bills and buying groceries are separate. if your money was already being spent in a pooled way, this wouldn't even be an issue. he really should have asked and not assumed, and you should definitely talk to him about it whether or not you pay for the gift.

but should you pay? the couple truly invited him, not you. even if your name is on the card, the thank-you note will really just be addressed to him, not you. if you break up, no matter what the card says, the gift will be considered to be from him, not you. only if this couple gets to know you two as a really serious couple (like living together for several years or getting married) will there be a shift in the thinking of the gift being from the two of you as a couple rather than just being from him. after all, they didn't invite a couple, just their friend and whoever he wanted to bring. so in the end, giving your boyfriend $50 is really just that: a gift to him, not the couple.

if i were in your shoes, i would have a talk with my boyfriend about it to tell him why i don't think he should expect me to pay for the gift. if i wanted to do something for the couple, i'd get them a card and maybe a small gift just from me.

I think it is insensitive of your boyfriend to assume you would pay. I've been married 10 years and I still wouldn't ask my wife to pay for my friends gifts.
I consider it a huge favor to her to let me drag to one of her crazy friends weddings...and she feels the same about going to one of my stupid friends weddings Last thing we'd expect from each other is to use our own money to pay for part of the gift.

I don't see the issue.