40-Year-Old Virgin Advice

Group Therapy: I'm a 40-Year-Old Virgin

May 19, 2011

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

I grew up in a very conservative environment. The first time I left my home town was 2 years ago. I believe in sex after marriage but now kinda being more open about it. However every time I meet a guy and we start talking about getting intimate I make sure that I tell him that I'm a virgin and ready for sex but somehow this piece of news is kind of a turn off to them. They eventually lose interest and never go on to have sex with me. I think it means to them that I am "stupid." Even when I went to 2 doctors for issues in my breast they were kind of a bit sarcastic about my virginity and said things like "what are you waiting for" with a smirk or "you don't want to die a virgin" and a laugh. I am feeling offended and I feel like I missed out on life. What I believed was right for a long time somehow the world is telling that it was silly. I don't know how to cope with this and I'm very embarrassed to tell anyone anymore.

Have a dilemma of your own? Post it anonymously to Group Therapy for advice, and check out what else is happening in the TrèsSugar Community.

41 Comments

2 years

I was a virgin until I was 23. I told three prospective daters...two went running immediately after I told them. The third guy thought it was weird (he said I was too pretty and "normal" to be a virgin), but he did eventually take care of that problem for me and we're still together. :) I would say keep it a secret, but DO emphasize that you like to take things slow. Give yourself time to adjust to the newness of f that aspect of a relationship, until it is no longeri an issue. :)

karlotta 2 years

You should only tell the guy once you're already under the sheets. That's the kind of disclosure you make to someone with whom you share intimacy; and if he's already turned on he won't be put off. I also agree that some counseling is in order, if for no other reason that your virginity has become a burden and the more you obsess over it, the less natural you'll be with a man, and the less chances that will let you be in a situation of intimacy - it's become a vicious circle that you need to break. As for taking your own virginity, what in God's name are you talking about? Do you even know that most women's hymen doesn't tear when they lose their virginity? I didn't bleed my first time. Muslim women keep a little bit of animal blood by the bed that they can sprinkle on the sheets on their wedding night to give the illusion of bleeding, because it's such a well-known fact that most of them won't (yet the tradition to have a public viewing of the sheets persists - so silly... but whatever, another discussion.) Being penetrated by a man is nothing like being penetrated by a dildo (or whatever else.) There is so much more to it than just a penis entering a vagina. There is movement, and caresses, and sweat, and whispers, and laughs. You can't lose your virginity alone. Don't be crazy.

karlotta 2 years

You should only tell the guy once you're already under the sheets. That's the kind of disclosure you make to someone with whom you share intimacy; and if he's already turned on he won't be put off. I also agree that some counseling is in order, if for no other reason that your virginity has become a burden and the more you obsess over it, the less natural you'll be with a man, and the less chances that will let you be in a situation of intimacy - it's become a vicious circle that you need to break.As for taking your own virginity, what in God's name are you talking about? Do you even know that most women's hymen doesn't tear when they lose their virginity? I didn't bleed my first time. Muslim women keep a little bit of animal blood by the bed that they can sprinkle on the sheets on their wedding night to give the illusion of bleeding, because it's such a well-known fact that most of them won't (yet the tradition to have a public viewing of the sheets persists - so silly... but whatever, another discussion.)Being penetrated by a man is nothing like being penetrated by a dildo (or whatever else.) There is so much more to it than just a penis entering a vagina. There is movement, and caresses, and sweat, and whispers, and laughs. You can't lose your virginity alone. Don't be crazy.

Bettye Wayne 2 years

In defense of therapy in dating, I run any strange date behavior by my therapist and she really helps me sort out what are yellow flags, red flags, and absolute deal breakers. Therapy can also be helpful in making major life transitions- which is something the OP has obviously done. Helen you are very right though, it does not necessarily imply a need for therapy.

Bettye Wayne 2 years

In defense of therapy in dating, I run any strange date behavior by my therapist and she really helps me sort out what are yellow flags, red flags, and absolute deal breakers. Therapy can also be helpful in making major life transitions- which is something the OP has obviously done.Helen you are very right though, it does not necessarily imply a need for therapy.

cherryk 2 years

I agree with some previous posts that you should refrain from saying you're a virgin and just tell your partner that it has been a while since you've had sex. Previous sexual encounters really shouldn't come up in the beginning of a relationship, but if your partner insists on knowing than they probably aren't in it for a committed relationship anyway.

dikke kus 2 years

You should keep trying to meet someone. Don't listen to that doctor or anyone else. I am scraping the surface when I say you have been listening for to long what other people and society have deemed as sordid, sinful or wrong. Sex has many purposes and many different motivations, many of which are murky, mixed up and hidden from our conscious selves. These multiple motives need to be learned by you now. Most people including women have natural instincts and strong sexual urges that break free of such attitudes before 40. If you think telling someone your a virgin is a turn off then don't say anything then. Its nobody's business on a first date anyway. If you wind up in the bedroom don't worry about experience.

Helen Danger 2 years

I think it's a little insulting to say a middle aged virgin ought to get counseling, when she never hinted at anything about mental illness. (No offense intended. I know everyone really means well.) Some people are raised to KNOW that sex before marriage is wrong. And if you don't end up married you don't end up devirginized. That's the way it works if that's what you believe. Just because I've never internalized such a message, doesn't mean it's messed up for someone else to believe or try to live it out. So now the OP is in a new context and she's ready to be physical, more like the rest of us. That's a wonderful thing. The dating world needs all types to make it interesting. Not everyone has to be equally cool and experienced. There are ex monks and ex nuns, the formerly Amish. All kinds. None of these people are necessarily screwed up just because of their backgrounds and late starts at sex.

Helen Danger 2 years

I think it's a little insulting to say a middle aged virgin ought to get counseling, when she never hinted at anything about mental illness. (No offense intended. I know everyone really means well.)Some people are raised to KNOW that sex before marriage is wrong. And if you don't end up married you don't end up devirginized. That's the way it works if that's what you believe. Just because I've never internalized such a message, doesn't mean it's messed up for someone else to believe or try to live it out.So now the OP is in a new context and she's ready to be physical, more like the rest of us. That's a wonderful thing. The dating world needs all types to make it interesting. Not everyone has to be equally cool and experienced. There are ex monks and ex nuns, the formerly Amish. All kinds. None of these people are necessarily screwed up just because of their backgrounds and late starts at sex.

2 years

It's just being painted in a strange light. Penetrative masturbation is not as "truly bizarre" as some people make it out to be. "purposely tear your own hymen" makes it sound like using a fork. As opposed to experiencing a natural fit.

spacekatgal 2 years

This whole thread took a really bizarre turn. Yuck. I'm definitely with Betty Wayne on this one. Destroying your own hymen is just bizarre.

spacekatgal 2 years

This whole thread took a really bizarre turn. Yuck. I'm definitely with Betty Wayne on this one. Destroying your own hymen is just bizarre.

Bettye Wayne 2 years

I don't know if appalled is the right word, but yes, something like that. Your plan is to rip your own hymen and pray that he thinks you're a horrible fuck, "so I can enjoy my actual first time with a guy in a more relaxed state of mind."That is, again, one of the stupidest things I've ever heard. There is a reason people wait a long time to have sex, they're just not ready, and *you* are not ready. For your sake I hope you get over whatever hang-ups you have about your virginity so you can be honest with your first partner and really enjoy sex in a more relaxed state of mind.

Bettye Wayne 2 years

I don't know if appalled is the right word, but yes, something like that. Your plan is to rip your own hymen and pray that he thinks you're a horrible fuck, "so I can enjoy my actual first time with a guy in a more relaxed state of mind." That is, again, one of the stupidest things I've ever heard. There is a reason people wait a long time to have sex, they're just not ready, and *you* are not ready. For your sake I hope you get over whatever hang-ups you have about your virginity so you can be honest with your first partner and really enjoy sex in a more relaxed state of mind.

pstandst 2 years

Missed out on life..not in the slightest. I can not imagine what kind of people/doctors would hold it against you. And as a married woman with two kids I am sure my husband would love to go back to a "tighter" time in life. You would be amazed how many men will be turned on just by that and like the untouched idea. Sorry if this is to raunchy but it is what it is

pstandst 2 years

shreerose 2 years

I love sex but it is very overrated. You should definitely wait for the right person. Nothing to be ashamed of.

2 years

breaking your hymen isn't going to make someone prepared for intimacy anon. he sounded offended because you're not going to trick the person who will eventually have sex with you into thinking it's been a "long time". also what about other sexual activities? the person your with will notice the fumbling and confusion you'll have with sex in general. I think OP should talk to a therapist (about insecurities and trust) and join a conservative dating website, possibly find someone who understands and doesn't care or is possibly also a virgin

2 years

@Betty: yes, of course it was what I meant, and of course I'd still be a virgin, but a virgin with a broken hymen. You sound appalled... I agree it is less than ideal, but you'd be surprised how common it is. I'm surprised it's the first time you hear of it.

Bettye Wayne 2 years

I have to disagree about not telling that it's your first time, only because then he will be wondering why you have no idea what you're doing or what you want. I agree that a Christian dating site would be a good start. But yes, I agree SKG after reading your post that 40 years of virginity is not caused by a conservative upbringing alone. I mean OP, you didn't even move out til your late 30s! There is more going on than old-fashioned family values, and therapy might not be a bad idea, just to make sure you're heading into your independent adult life in the right direction. As for anon 12... you can't take your own virginity, that is absolute nonsense. I mean that is truly one of the stupidest things I've ever heard in my life- I assume you mean you're going to tear your own hymen? That will in no way whatsoever make you better prepared for sex.

Bettye Wayne 2 years

I have to disagree about not telling that it's your first time, only because then he will be wondering why you have no idea what you're doing or what you want. I agree that a Christian dating site would be a good start.But yes, I agree SKG after reading your post that 40 years of virginity is not caused by a conservative upbringing alone. I mean OP, you didn't even move out til your late 30s! There is more going on than old-fashioned family values, and therapy might not be a bad idea, just to make sure you're heading into your independent adult life in the right direction.As for anon 12... you can't take your own virginity, that is absolute nonsense. I mean that is truly one of the stupidest things I've ever heard in my life- I assume you mean you're going to tear your own hymen? That will in no way whatsoever make you better prepared for sex.

BiWife 2 years

1) 40 year old virgin usually equals major psychological or emotional baggage (or some other fatal flaw) that has killed off any fledgling relationships. So, I completely agree that you should explore this with a therapist/counselor. Do you masturbate, at least? You should start if you don't currently, it's good for your sexual health & will prepare you for your first time with another person. 2) People do have a hard time imagining life without sex, once they've had it, since it's a normal, natural part of life. I would say you've definitely missed out on a decade or so of potential intimacy. You don't have any experience dealing with serious relationships by the time most people are on their 2nd or 3rd marriage (or having a major milestone anniversary). You're not going to treat relationships like an experienced adult, but more like a pubescent teen, so if you're bluntly telling guys on date #1 that youre a virgin, they're likely going to pass because they'd rather date someone on the same emotional/relational level as them. This isn't to say you're irresponsible or petulent, but you haven't had the opportunity to build the relationship skills in a real-life setting. Be realistic & recognize these short-comings as opportunities to improve. 3) Real-estate is location, location, location. So is dating. Check out religious dating sites or matchmaking services. If you're pulling from the generic pool of men, you'll get a lot of guys that don't share your values. If you're pulling from a selective pool of guys with similar values, you're much more likely to find the right guy.

BiWife 2 years

1) 40 year old virgin usually equals major psychological or emotional baggage (or some other fatal flaw) that has killed off any fledgling relationships. So, I completely agree that you should explore this with a therapist/counselor. Do you masturbate, at least? You should start if you don't currently, it's good for your sexual health & will prepare you for your first time with another person.2) People do have a hard time imagining life without sex, once they've had it, since it's a normal, natural part of life. I would say you've definitely missed out on a decade or so of potential intimacy. You don't have any experience dealing with serious relationships by the time most people are on their 2nd or 3rd marriage (or having a major milestone anniversary). You're not going to treat relationships like an experienced adult, but more like a pubescent teen, so if you're bluntly telling guys on date #1 that youre a virgin, they're likely going to pass because they'd rather date someone on the same emotional/relational level as them. This isn't to say you're irresponsible or petulent, but you haven't had the opportunity to build the relationship skills in a real-life setting. Be realistic & recognize these short-comings as opportunities to improve.3) Real-estate is location, location, location. So is dating. Check out religious dating sites or matchmaking services. If you're pulling from the generic pool of men, you'll get a lot of guys that don't share your values. If you're pulling from a selective pool of guys with similar values, you're much more likely to find the right guy.

amandachalynn 2 years

Are you telling them on the first date? That can be a lot to take in when you don't know someone well. I would wait until you're getting hot and heavy and then tell them. If you make it seem like a serious thing then of course they will assume you have some issues. I don't know you, but are you sure that you don't have some things that could be worked out? Step back and look at yourself honestly. Are you coming off as desperate or judgmental? Do you try to talk about feelings right away? It's hard to look at yourself honestly, but that's the best way to work on fixing things. I'm a know it all control freak, but I've learned how to reign it in. Sometimes. The best way to find out what's going wrong in your relationships is to really know your good and bad qualities. Oh, and get a new Dr. That is completely unprofessional.

2 years

You're not alone. I'm a 29-year-old virgin. Not by choice, more because I have intimacy issues and in the few relationships that I've been in, well, they haven't lasted enough for me to reach the point where I would have been comfortable having sex. I hate being a virgin, and keep it a secret. I am so old now, that it got to the point where it's kind of keeping me from engaging in flirting with guys / trying to get in a new relationship: the guys in my age bracket have been having sex for over ten years, and I know the idea of dating a virgin / a girl who's been too afraid of her first time, for too much time, is gonna freak them out / scare them off. So... it sucks. It's a vicious circle, really. Now, onto solutions... Well, I thought of taking my own virginity. I know it is done. I haven't been able to bring myself to do it yet, though. But I know I should, just get it out of the way, the fear of the pain, so I can enjoy my actual first time with a guy in a more relaxed state of mind, without being so worried. And, I'm not sure if I'd even tell the guy that I'm technically a virgin, in that case. I mean, some people are just bad at sex, so that could be my case, right?! Or I could turn out to be incredible in bed even the first time, like beginner's luck! ^^ Anyway... That's all talk and I don't have my sights set on anyone, so... next year, the 30 yo virgin?! I guess so... :S Oh, and you say: "I think it means to them that I am stupid." And SpaceKatGal says: "guys are going to read "40-year-old virgin" as serious sexually issues, end of story. Don't mention it or make it a big deal - it's going to read as drama-rama." She's got it right, I think. Guys certainly don't think you're stupid, and some of them may respect/admire your choice. But, that you made it to 40 without losing your virginity, means that it's a big deal to you, and guys don't want to take that kind of responsability. * the douchey selfish guy who's only in for the sex, will think: "sex with a virgin? she's unexperienced so she's gonna be bad at it, it won't be pleasurable for me, plus it'll be painful for her, so way awkward, then she'll bleed, gross, yeah, overall unpleasant experience... pass!" * the insecure guy will think: "what if it goes wrong? she'll blame me. how does one give a girl a pleasant first time? yeah, there's no way i can win this... pass!" * the commitment-phobe will think: "she held back until she was meeting the right guy, and now she wants to have sex with *me*?! what, is she gonna want to marry me afterwards?? run, run!" (sorry, I know that incursion in a few guys' heads is way harsh... Just the way I see it, the way *I* freak out about it! ^^)

Link Love

41 Comments