Dear Sugar--
My husband had trust issues in his previous relationship and there was a situation toward the beginning of our relationship. I thought we had gotten past it and we were recently married 7 months ago. A few days ago he looked at my email and is questioning me and thinks I am cheating. I am not doing anything of the sort and he has not spoken to me for 4 days. I don't even know where to begin with him. I'm lost. How do you even start to repair the problem when someone is not even talking to you? Most of all, how do you rebuild trust in a relationship when one of the two has given up ALL hope to rebuild?
--Lost and Helpless
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Dear Lost and Helpless--
It's tough to deal with a present relationship when one person is holding onto something that happened in the past. There's obviously no way you can heal the scars of what your husband experienced with the person he was with before you. Whether he was emotionally hurt, lied to, cheated on, or betrayed, he'll always be thinking in the back of his mind that your relationship could end the same way. At this point, all you can do is focus on getting him to realize that you and your relationship are nothing like what he experienced in his past.
I know he doesn't want to talk to you right now, which makes figuring this all out tough, but give him a little time and room to think. Once he's ready to talk, you can continue to reassure him that you are not cheating on him. Explain that you are in love with him and that you respect him and your relationship immensely. Tell him that you consider the wedding vows you made to one another to be very sacred, and you would never do anything to betray or deceive him.
The fact that he doesn't trust you is going to tear your relationship apart. He should know that if he continues to snoop around, searching for "proof" that you're betraying him, your marriage could quite possibly end in divorce. I would see if he'd be willing to seek couples counseling. Talking to a therapist on his own would also be a good idea so he can get past the idea that he can't trust anyone. Good luck!
Juicy Couture
Per Una
Bric's
How do you regain the trust of someone who is accusing you of something you haven't done? I don't really know if you can. The problem is his and it's really up to his being ready to let go of whatever his issues are in regard to that. I agree with Dear that you should talk to him and try reassuring him, but in the end I think he's the one who has to do the work. I hope you get this resolved so that you can move forward in your marriage without this being a recurring problem. Good luck.
1not talking to you for 4 days is really immature, doesn't sound like he was ready for marriage. Looking for proof of cheating is an ugly game and it can erode the core of marriage. Trust is essential.
2This is definitely his problem. If you want to save this relationship I would get into marriage counselling and he should probably see someone on his own to take care of his issues.
3I am with Cubadog on this. Trust is his issue, but without trust there is no relationship. So try to reassure him and tell him that you guys need to get this resolved and communication is essential. If he does not want to talk to you maybe he will to a therapist. I know this is not what you want to hear but if he is unwilling to do either you got to put the foot down and tell him that either he works on it or you are through. I agree with whomever said that it seems he may be too inmature to be married but you are already there so you must work on it.
4Convenient how you barely mention that something did happen early on in your relationship. I'm guessing you were at fault. You say you feel that you both have gotten past that, obviously he hasn't. He may have trust issues from past relationships, but it also sounds like he has trust issues from YOUR relationship. I think you need to own up to your part of the distrust in this relationship.
5I agree with DearSugar. I can totally relate to your problem. My current boyfriend had trust issues from a past relationship that started to affect our relationship. He assumed if I talked to a guy friend or mentioned that an ex tried to contact me, he would flip out thinking I was being unfaithful when I wasn’t. I finally in the middle of a big fight about being faithful; I had to tell him straight out "I am NOT your ex! Don't punish me for what she did to you!" That finally snapped the light bulb in his head.
Now I don't think you need to go extreme as I did, but after he cools down and starts to talk, you need to sit down with him. Tell him you understand that he was hurt in the past, but your marriage needs to be based on trust, honesty and love. Assure him that the vows you gave to him on your wedding day is your promise to be true to HIM and HIM only. He needs to stop punishing you for what the past did to him. If he wants this marriage to work, he needs to trust you and if he has any doubts, he needs to talk to you, not stomp around and give you the silent treatment like a 4 year old child.
If he still doesn't talk to you after a week, get your wedding video out and queue it up to your vows. Play it for him. Don't say a thing...let him be reminded that you love him.
6What I do sometimes, is when he won't listen, I write a letter to him. tell him how you feel about this, or him. then he won't interrupt and neither will you.. maybe he will write you back w/ his feelings.. it will sooo work.. try it..
7I wish we knew what happened early on in this relationship that related to trust issues. I think it may be affecting the current situation and it is hard to give advice when you don't know the whole story.
8My sister and her husband are going through something similar. He did something toward the beginning of their relationship, but there were also repeat offenses... not actual cheating, but as an example, he was caught writing inappropriate letters to someone shortly after their honeymoon. He doesn't understand why she can't "let the past go", but anything relating to him and women really is related. If it truly was a one time incident, I would actually agree with him, but it's not.
They are in counseling, which is my recommendation here, as well.
9I need help please I was having an phone sex affair with a gentleman that my husband knows and he found out about it and he is so upset that he is ready to leave me. He has been talking with someone who has been telling him that it has been going on for months now but we just but it just started. He works nights do he tells me we have every opportunity in the world to do what we want to do. But I keep telling him I will never disrespect our home or our children that I am home with everyday I just want someone who is going to show me some attention. I know that I was wrong but I need to know how to fix it can someone please help me because he does not trust that I have not had a physical relationship with this man.
10I've never had a deep trust issue until this relationship. She doesn't meantion she look in my phone,wait til im sleep and search thru my car. Everytime she's mad she leaves for the night and cut her phone off. Make sure to tell me how people want to buy her things. Swears to God that she don't chat but been caught several times.I can't bring problems from an old relationship that I haven't been thru. She complained about me not having a job since my business was slow, now she complains because I'm always at work. We've spoken these last four days just not alot because when it all gets good here comes another problem. She never admits her mistakes and that's my biggest problem with her. I always have to be the bad guy. I try to talk to her, she over talks then aurgue I don't listen. We had marriage counseling, she lied about everything to get married faster. Her husband TRUST her, just don't believe her. I haven't cheated or been caught trying to for the record..
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