Dear Sugar--
I have a problem with a formerly close friend of mine and I am really not sure how to handle the situation. My friend has not been “herself” for the past year and a half—when she got engaged to her longtime live-in boyfriend (he’s great and they’re a good match) she became a stereotypical bridezilla – selfish, stressed out, not a very kind person. I put up with a lot of her not so nice behavior and chalked it up to wedding stress, thinking it would go away. I supported her, tried to be the best friend that I could be despite being treated poorly at every turn. I kept thinking, “if I just wait it out—be there for her, my best friend will eventually reappear.”
Boy, was I wrong, the behavior actually got worse and worse—and by the end, she lashing out at those closest to her because she “could." I suggested counseling, and she actually behaved more selfishly and abusively towards us after the 3 months of therapy. So, about 2 months ago, I cut her off. There wasn’t a fight or anything, one insult too many caused me to stop calling or seeking her out. Mind you, she hasn’t tried to contact me—but we both could chalk it up to being legitimately
“busy." We have seen each other once at a friend’s bbq, and were cordial, but nothing more. I’m pretty sure she had been so wrapped up in her own head that she had no idea that something was amiss until the bbq last week.
Honestly, I am feeling a little guilty about the fact that I hear from a number of sources that she is nearing a breakdown and that she has pushed everyone close to her away—her husband included. I feel some sort of duty to try and help her out of the hole she has dug for herself. Everyone around who has seen this situation first hand is telling me "not to worry about it", "she doesn’t deserve my friendship/help", and "she’ll figure it out on her own", but I'm not so sure that she can handle it on her own that is. I don’t want to be the person who sits on the sidelines as she drowns in the mess she has made for herself without offering a rope. I do miss the friend that I once had and am sad that I know that person pre-bridezilla is gone. Do you think I should try to reach out to her? Or, should I just accept the loss of a friend and move on—regardless of what happens to her? --Torn Tabitha
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Dear Torn Tabitha--
Wow, I am sorry to hear about your friend, but this it sounds like there is a lot more going on that just a bad case of bridezilla! Although you say her husband is the perfect match for her, perhaps there is something going on between them that you are unaware of. The first year of marriage is not easy despite what people might think -- could she be having second thoughts? Has she opened up to any of your friends? Her family? Her husband? It is clear that your friend is crying out for help, so if your up for it, it sounds like she could really use a good friend right now.
When people are upset, it's not uncommon for them to lash out of the ones they love the most. It's a defence mechanism -- they fear their good friends will be able to see through whatever they are covering up, so while you have been burned by her in the past, I admire you for not just standing by while she continues to spiral out of control.
Take her to coffee or write her a letter and let her know you are there to listen when she is ready to talk and confide in you. You don't need to be a pushover to be her friend, so perhaps distancing yourself from her everyday life is still the best thing for you to do right now so you don't feel the sting of her selfishness. Hopefully knowing she has a trusted friend waiting for her on the side lines will give her the comfort and security she needs to open up. I wish you luck and I hope your friend gets down to the bottom of her problems.
Nudie Jeans
CAFe'NOIR
Pussy Deluxe
you need to let her go for the time being, but that doesn't mean getting rid of her permanently. She seems to have let her behavior spiral out of control, and she needs to see the consequences of those actions. If she contacts you, suggest therapy, and emphasize that she needs to be honest with her therapist. Let her know that you care about her, and are open to having a relationship with her in the future, but you're not going to put up with her treating people like she did.
1I think you should definitely still be there for her. That doesn't mean you should let her walk all over you, though. Be there for her as much as you can, and if things get hard, be truthful with her about how you feel.
Good luck!
2I agree with DS. The reason therapy might not have worked the first time is she wasn't ready and felt pressured in to going. There is clearly something more going on here and I think letting her know that you are available when SHE is ready to talk is the key do not force it and do not let her walk all over you. At this point I don't think ignoring her and trying to force her to see the consequenses would even work since she is so close to a breakdown if anything it would isolate her more and force her to internalize everything even more.
3this one is hard.
i had a best friend in HS with a similar situation. she withdrew from all her friends and let her relationships go. i grew frustrated that she was not giving in our friendship and stopped calling her. it is exhausting being the only one trying to keep a friendship going.
later, i heard that she was anorexic and bulimic and having all sorts of problems. i always felt guilty for not having been a better friend to her, and not seeing that she needed help when she really needed it. we found out her dad was an alcoholic, and we assumed that things were getting really tough when she pushed everyone away.
trust your instincts on this one. it seems like there could be more going on in your friend's life than you know about.
4From about 6 months before one of my friend's weddings until a few months after, my friend was acting like "bridezilla". Turns out she and her fiance/spouse were having a lot of trouble even though we all thought they were the "perfect match". She was ashamed to tell me and when she did she may have been sad, but she treated me a lot better. I suggest doint what DS said and sending her a letter, or email, letting her know you're there for her.
5Wow. I agree with Sugar 100%. It sounds like she is building this wall around her since the wedding. Like Sugar said, there is something going on that cannot be seen on the surface. I think everyone is saying 'let her be' because they see a problem, but don't want to do anything about it. It could be her job, stress of a new marriage, family issues, etc.
I know you hate that your friendship ended like turning off a light switch, but you have the power to turn it back on. I suggest taking her to a quite place and start by telling her how much you love her and cherish your friendship before you start letting her know how she has been. Ask her if there is anything she wants to share. Whatever she tells you will be kept between you both.
The only way you may be able to bring her back is to ingore the way she is acting and try to keep the image of your 'old' friend in your mind and in your heart. She is in there, somewhere deep down.
6I like DS's advice... something low key like a letter or email that says you're still there is non-invasive and hands-off. If she wants the help, she will come. If not, you have already reached out and shouldn't have to feel guilty.
7Sounds like your ve done all you can for her
8Let her know you're there for her and voice what you've just told us and then let it go. Then you won't be abandoning her, but at the same time you can let go with a clear conscience. Good luck with whatever you decide to do!
9I would let go..
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