A best friend of mine was in a very "happy", sexless (maybe once a month?) relationship with her fiance (dated for 7 yrs- they would have been married august 1st) turns out he was having sex with pretty much everyone else. She's not an idiot either - they seemed VERY happy.

Sex matters more in relationships than those who don't have it think it does. Just my opinion..

I was in a sexless relationship: once went almost 90 days without, waiting to see if HE would initiate; once a month would have been a veritable sex feast. Turns out the "sexual camel" was addicted to porn - a type of porn he was unwilling to share with me so... not sure exactly what cranked his tractor.

I agree with Lemamike, it matters more than those who don't have it think it does. I know it matters to me, now more than ever!

It depends on the reason. If it's a communication issue (or issue of faithfulness, obviously) that will be detrimental to the relationship. But if two people with lower sex drives are content with each other: whatever.

". . but I think we have a stronger emotional connection than any of them."

Whatever. As if having a good sex life and a strong emotional connection are mutually exclusive. LOL If believing this makes the poster happy, by all means she should believe it.

With that said, I think with some couples emotional intimacy CARRIES OVER to physical intimacy. And yes, I speak from experience.

If she's going to be content with a happy, sexless marriage, good for her.

Some people have low sex drives! It would never work for me, but if it works for her, that's great! I do have to giggle at the fact that she thinks physical relationships and emotional intimacy are mutually exclusive!

That's fine for her, but it makes me wonder if he feels the same way. Like posters above me said, the other partner could be cheating or masturbating to make up for the lack of sex. I'm not saying that is always the case, but a strong possibility. That's pretty cool if they both agree and have an equally low sex drive. To each their own. I enjoy sex with my boyfriend and it would make me wonder what was wrong if it discontinued.

It's okay to not have sex all the time. Contrary to those who truly believe that if you love someone, you will have sex with them -- there are different forms of love. Some couples just don't feel the same as the next couple. Everyone is different. What baffles me is thinking that if a couple doesn't have sex all the time, then one of them is cheating, they don't truly love each other or whatever they want to think.

That being said, I like having sex. My boyfriend likes having sex. However, we feel a little complicated. A touch or something will not turn either of us on...it takes a certain thing to make us want sex, and if we do that certain thing we do have sex, without fail. Sometimes, we just don't want to. Sometimes, the documentary on TV just sounds more appealing. Sometimes we'd rather sleep. Am I cheating on my boyfriend? No way. Is my boyfriend cheating on me? No way. Are either of us addicted to porn? No. Are we an unhealthy couple? No. Do we like sex? Yes. But do we need it all the time? Nope.

If you never want to have sex ever again, then whatever floats your boat. You can love someone and not want to f*ck their brains out.

However, the person who confessed should know that not having sex doesn't mean you have a deeper emotional connection. Having sex doesn't either. Since everyone is different, some couples feel the most emotionally connected while having sex. Some people feel the most emotionally connected while watching the sunset in silence.

There are as many different kinds of relationships as there are people in them, so whatever works for the two people in it.

This is a great discussion. My boyfriend broached the subject of sex with me and I told him I would like to wait. He then said I was putting him in a stressed situation to cheat. My thoughts are...if you think about cheating or blame someone else for actually cheating then you're not the one for me! I don't know what will happen but I'm ok waiting for the person who is willing to wait for me.

I think not mentioning how often they have sex is the key here.

If "not that often" means once a week, and it's super-intense and great for both of them, then whatever.
If "not that often" means "on anniversaries and Valentie's Day", then there's a real problem. They're best friends--not lovers.

And another thing, let's check our "He's probably cheating" assumptions, shall we? A lot of men actually, genuinely aren't natural sex fiends. A lot of men -gasp- have sex drives just like women.

I don't understand what the big deal is. She said they "hardly ever" have sex, not that they didn't have any at all.

Some people choose to base their relationships more on other things besides sex, and that's fine. If you or your partner are not particularly sexual people, and are still happy and have a mutual understanding, so what? It's doesn't necessarily mean that something sinister is going on [all those horror stories in the above comments are pretty crazy, though].

Note that she doesn't mention at all whether he is OK with their arrangement. 99% chance he is not and is either cheating on her or looking for a way out.

my fiance and I only have sex maybe once or twice a month because that's what works for both of us. As long as both people feel the same way, does it really matter how often a couple has sex?

To each their own. It wouldn't work for me, but I'm not in that particular relationship.

Well said, Marci! It seems like the poster is genuinely happy in her relationship and I hope for the couples sake that there is no cheating going on, just two people who choose not to have sex very often. Since we don't know the specifics of the situation, it is hard to make any further comments!

If both people are genuinely happy then awesome. My only concern is are you 100% your partner feels the same way? I am not suggesting at all that the significant other is cheating. Sometimes you may think you are sure it works but do you feel that way becuase it works for you and you assume it works for your partner?

I guess my opinion seems harsh but from my experiences the in and out healthiest relationships have active sex lives. Feel free to disagree. I have friends who are "in love" with their boyfriends but don't want to have sex with them. It's so easy to pass off the "my sex drive isn't high" but is that what it really is? Sometimes people have fallen out of love and into being "best friends" and not even know it - or want to admit it.

I could be totally wrong but it's interesting food for thought.

If that's what works for both of them, then so be it (different things work for different people and I'm glad she found someone who is on the same page as her) BUT I don't like that fact that she states:

"but I think we have a stronger emotional connection than any of them"

Like just because other people have sex regularly (or a lot, whatever) it means they don't have as strong a bond as this girl and her bf does. That statement really doesn't sit well with me.

dootsie -- "A lot of men -gasp- have sex drives just like women."

implying women have low or no sex drives? that is a nice pigeon-holing of both genders

You know, I don't think this is such a big deal. It doesn't rise to the level of sexual aversion disorder unless there is a clinical level of distress, and it doesn't sound like it to me.

I find sex with my husband creates a close bond, and I make time for it even when I'm not in the mood. It's easy for me to imagine people not making time for it, though. We live in a world that robs you of your time and your attention.

If you're happy with it, that's fine - but be sure you're being honest with yourself about your feelings.

dootsie - What on earth do you mean by "sex drives just like women?" Not all women have the same sex drive!

I'm surprised no one else has said this already: He might be gay. I hope the poster and other women in similar situations are not being naive because closeted gay men dating/marrying straight women is more common than you'd think.

jrabbit... i agree with you! honestly, men think about sex every 7 seconds (or some crazy stat like that) and if he isnt, this might be a red flag!!!!!!

Sex is very important; you don't have to do it every day, but the healthy thing is to do it at least 2 times a week. sex is 50% of the relationship. A guy that does not want to have sex is very rare and fishy. and J Rabbit I agree with you he may be gay.

My boyfriend and I have sex anywhere between twice a week to once every 3 months. Our obstacle is my lack of sex drive due to years of being on the pill combined with us both living with our parents. The lack of privacy is a real turn off. He also joined the military 5 months ago, so he's been gone for a total of 4 months since Feb 1st (gone right now for the next 2 months). I'm hoping things will change when we move in together. Hoping. My boyfriend is definitely not gay, not addicted to porn (although he does watch it), and is not seeing anyone else. *sigh* Besides that, we have a wonderful relationship.

I voted for "Whatever."

My boyfriend doesn't have a very high sex drive, not really. If I want to have sex then I initiate and we have sex but it's not something that occurs to him. He spent quite a long time single and he was cheated on before so I think it's knocked his confidence quite a lot.

We have discussed it and he says it is a confidence issue. He initiates sometimes but it'll be far less often than when I do.

Some people are just highly sexed (me) and a lot of guys just aren't! I have been in quite a few sexless relationships and I've just come to accept that I'm the charged one and the guys usually aren't!

I tend to date computer geeks... I wonder if that has something to do with it?

Go ahead and get married. You'll stop having sex anyway.

that's a joke, it's just a tiny married woman in a sexless marriage making a little joke! : )

This girl is in an idot! Do you know how many married men talk to me and complain about how they love their wives but wind up cheating numerous times because there is no sex!! Men are driven by sex more than some women are. Just cause he says he's happy doesn't mean he is or will be forever. You better spice up the sex life or you WILL be cheated on, GUARANTEED!

Nicole, to say something is "guaranteed" is really naive. Some guys don't have that type of sex drive and not every guy would cheat.

Porn is often an issue that results in low sexual intimacy in couples. I know of an author couple, Victoria Prater and Garry Prater, who demonstrate in their book, "Love and Pornography," how to use compassionate communication skill to help couples overcome this very difficult obstacle in their personal life. Sometimes communication is all that is lacking in a relationship.

My husband and I have sex once every few months -- really! -- and we're happy. It took me a while to get to this point, as I came in to the marriage with a voracious sexual appetite. But, he has a lower sex drive. That, and he's on a medicine that causes a lower sex drive. And now we have kids. So, while it was a real problem for me for a while early on in our marriage, relationships are give and take and I can't change him. I just learned to readjust my expectations, find other things to do, learn that sex does not make a marriage happy in and of itself, and then all is OK.

You can laugh and say I'm kidding myself, but those who are mature can adjust their expectations and find happiness in places where they're not relying on others. Sex is only one small part of relationships.