I love my husband and my marriage so much, I'd never have children and tinker with our winning formula. I can see where's she's coming from. It sounds like the kind of statement that some people would like to get indignant about.

When I decided to get married, it was very important to me to not have a sexless marriage either. Bravo to her for speaking truth to power.

Bri

I don't understand why the children would feel hurt. Why should the mother give up her sexuality and identity on their behalf? My mom told me growing up that she would put my dad before us in certain circumstances. *shrug* He was there first, after all!

my mother gave up everything for me and my siblings and for my father. its something I both admire about her and never want for my life/future husband/children. I want to be a good partner for my husband and a good role model for my children by being independent and my own person. this is not to say my mother was not these things, but she took her sacrifices too far sometimes.

I'd have to read up on her more, but my gut reaction is that she's saying that women who love their children more than their husbands do necessarily sacrifice their sexual identities, which I don't think is the case. Just as it's ok for her to love her husband more than her children, it's ok for mothers to love their children more than their husbands. And I understand why she would feel "stuck at home," but it seems to me like she feels that all women who stay home are stuck, which isn't the case. I feel that feminism is about allowing women to make choices and respecting the fact that the best choice for you might not be the best choice for another woman.

The whole prospect of loving children or husbands more is ridiculous to me. You don't love one more than the other, you love them differently. You're not in love with your children. Is it normal to in a bad situation want to save your husband first or your kids first? Yes. It depends on what kind of person you are that determines which one you will do. Not a good or bad person, but just a person who needs to decide which one will cause the most loss. Life goes on after children die, as she said. But life goes on after your husband dies, too.

I feel like she is being preachy in some cases. You don't lose your identity by becoming a mom. You just add to who you are. I would never sacrifice my love life to have kids. If you feel that is the only way, then you have issues. You can have kids and still be sexual, still be in love, still do whatever. Having kids is not a disease. Having kids does not keep you from doing anything. You make your kids fit your life, not you fit their lives. Kids adapt to the world around them. So if mommy and daddy need a sitter on Wednesdays and Saturdays, so be it.

But I think that calling your book "bad mother" is irritating. You are not a bad mom for loving your husband differently than your children. I think she wants to milk it for all it's worth. Being different from the people she knows.

Oh, and to answer the question. I learned that I will do whatever it takes to be the best mom and best wife I can be. It's give and take. If I need to give up 1 hour with my husband to spend more time with my kids, I will. If I need to give up one bedtime story out of two to have sex, I will. I think in order to be a winner you need to adjust. You cannot forget about your kids, but you cannot forget about who you are with, so you need to make them work harmoniously. But I do believe you need to put a great deal of effort (not necessarily time) into a relationship once you have kids. Kids in happy homes will usually be happier people.

I'm glad she said that. I think it's honest, and I wouldn't be hurt if my mom had said the same thing. Like mondaymoos said, he was there first. Personally, I'm not having children because I like my life the way it is - just me and my partner with no screaming money pits to get in the way.

My dad taught me a lot about textbook style feminism, (writers, intellectuals, laws, etc) while my mom taught me the practical applications of feminism (real life business women, interacting in a professional environment, etc). So both my parents taught me a lot about feminism, just in different ways. What I liked best about what my mom taught me was the importance of being a lady but not a doormat. And my dad taught me that confidence and intelligence are the most beautiful and sexy things a woman can wear (yes, sexy).

As for this author and her statements, I can agree with what she's saying. I know if we have kids I will have an undying protective love for them, but I treasure the passion and respectful love that I have in my marriage more than anything in this world. And I seriously doubt having kids will change my perspective on that. Her statement may seem 'off' but I think she's trying to get at the fact that the love she has for her husband is stronger than for her children, and I see nothing wrong with that. If we had more words for different types of love this would probably be a non-issue.

"Although she loved her children, she wanted to make a point she wouldn't sacrifice her identity and sexuality on their behalf. (Needless to say, if I were her kid, I'd have been pretty hurt by that statement!)"

I wouldn't want my mother to sacrifice her identity or sexuality on my behalf. Why would any child be hurt by their mother not sacrificing her identity and livelihood? What's wrong with a mother not giving up herself? It is ridiculous to thing that a woman needs to give up on her needs to be a good mother.

I would be hurt if I were one of her children, but that's probably because I had a Good mother. I just completely disagree with the whole concept of loving EITHER your children or husband more. You love them in different ways. I don't feel there is a certain set amount of love a woman has, that must be divvied up between hubs and kids. You love your husband, and when you have kids, you begin to love them too. A new love, not one that you must take away some from your husband.

Basically, all kidding aside, I think that author for real IS a bad mother, and I'm glad she's not mine! I guess i'm wildly fortunate to have had a GOOD mother who sitll to this day would go to the ends of the earth for me and sacrfice all she had and then some for my well being or happiness, WHILE being in love with my father. Its not that I want her to sacrifice anything for me, but to hear come out and say she wouldnt, would be a slap in the face. I'd feel gypped.

Maybe i'm old fashioned, I just think that if you CHOOSE to bring a child in this world, you have a responsibility to do absolutely anything it takes, sacrificing whatever you must, to ensure that child is happy and healthy.

the CHILD is more important than anything, even your relationship and your 'identity'.

I completely agree with the author. I see sooo many moms sacrificing their happiness, getting way to involved in their kids lives, to the point they can't take care of themselves or their husband. Some mothers feel like they have to martyr themselves for their children. I know that I won't be that way.

Well said, LilKimbo.

Yes, my mother did teach me about feminism -- both directly and indirectly. My Mom was never formally aware of feminist ideas. She taught me lessons based on her own life experiences.

In my opinion, the most valuable feminist idea my Mom taught me was the right to MY CHOICES. This includes
the choice of my career, friends, lifestyle, etc. I've come to learn to make choices that are right and good for me (given that I'm not hurting anybody).

To her dismay, I have truly taken this lesson to heart, as I've stuck to choices she's disapproved of.

Incidentally, I've made the decision to not have children (child-free-by-choice). On his own, my husband had made the same decision, too. (and we have thoroughly discussed this before we married).

As a woman, forgoing motherhood draws a lot of criticism. I can't begin to tell you the flak I received over this (including the notion that I'm not a real woman unless I have kids. This came from a woman. LOL).

Also, incidentally, my husband and I have a good sex life. For us, obviously, having sex is not about making babies.

I need to clarify my point. As a child, I would probably not understand that my mother was being rhetorical when she said, "I love my husband more than my children." And even if she weren't rhetorical and really meant it — as one commenter astutely put it, it is a different kind of love — that bald statement would hurt, and just seems to expose how difficult it is to be able to just be a person as a woman — not simply a wife or mother.

My mom did say that to me when I was in my late teens. At first, I was shocked and a little hurt but then the more I thought about it, the more it made sense to me. I think that there are a lot of mothers who would do anything for their children and sacrifice their relationship with their husbands (which results in husbands cheating; well hello John Gosselin!) A lot of mother's put a lot of time and energy into their child's lives and forget (?) that it takes a lot of time and energy for a marriage. Remember, if you don't date your husband, someone else will.

I have an intellect I understand her arguement and what she has to say. I think she has a right to say and that she makes valid points. However, I think it's a given that you love your children and husband differently. I think the writer has some issues and/or is projecting some of that, it can't help that she was critized and that it all became such a public debate. I think that only affected her more and then after it all died down and she has had more time she is back with this and as someone said is "milking" the controversy for more.

I also agree with Angela123 and Chrstne 100%

Also in response to the whole "remember if you don't date your husband someone else will"

...someone woman are wonderfully devoted wives and lovers and their husbands still stray. A woman doesn't have to make pleasing her man her life's goal, she should, howevver, care about having a committed and fufilling relationship. Let's not make this about insecurity. If a man feels threatened by his children, that's just pathetic.

musicluvr345, I think I've seen that too but I don't think of those mothers as loving or perfect mothers. I think they are just try to prove something or USING their kids.

I completely disagree that the child is more important than the mother's identity and her relationship with her husband.

Is it good for kids if their mothers are so obsessive that they always put them first ahead of their own happiness and their husbands? The only thing that comes from that is resentment as the parents grow apart and watch their marriage dissolve. Then, the kids are looking at their parents divorcing and wondering if they have anything to do with it. NOT HEALTHY.

I see this time and time again. Yes, you can be down on men that cheat when they have kids all that you want, but the fact remains...men are men, and if they are being ignored at home with kids always coming first, they will fulfill their needs elsewhere. I know that will piss some of you off that I say that, but I have seen it so many times. Just because a guy has kids with you and is a good father doesn't mean they will stay faithful to you if you are constantly putting him second.

Even a mature guy who loves his kids can still feel resentful if he is treated like just a paycheck. I know it is not a pleasant thought, but unfortunately it is true.

This chick is annoying. Who the hell said you have to give up your husband for your kids? And what the hell is the husband giving up?

I think it would be funny if in the end her husband found someone else.

I'll confess my "bias" upfront, I am childless by choice. I love children, but chose not to have any. I think it is good for children to understand thay they have their parents' (unconditional) love but that does not mean they always come first. I think children who are put first no matter what and who take precedence over everything (including the husband) have adjustment difficulties when they transition into adulthood, because, quite frankly, the rest of the world does not share the view that life revolves around them. Just like children need to fail in order to learn how to accept this and overcome adversity, they also need to learn that they are important but their needs must be put into the collective perspective.

I'm not saying that their needs don't ever come first, just that they don't always come first. And sometimes that means putting your husband first. Your marriage is there before the kids, during the kids, and you want it to be there after the kids move out, so you need to prioritize it as well.

I'm not familiar with the author, except for the quote above, but that is the message I take from it and I seriously doubt the first her children would learn of her viewpoints is the one statement above. I do agree that the use of "more than" is odd but would have to read the rest of her statements before I judged why she chose that particular phrase.

I understand completely what she is saying. I think a lot of women really don't know how much motherhood changes you and how much it takes away from who you are, especially if you're struggling financially to raise them. Kids are a joy, yes, but if you aren't careful you can end up loosing everything else in your life for them and then no one is happy, not you or the kids.

And Rock, no one says that you have to give up your husband but that's just what ends up happening. I don't know any woman who can really wake up and deal with children all day while putting in a full days work to do all the things you have to do to keep children clean and alive or get them to their hugely expensive daycare then work a full day then come home make sure food is present, prepare for the next day, and then feel like hopping in the sack. Child rearing is rewarding but it's draining and I don't think most women, even women who are married and plan their children are really prepared for just how hard it is and they end up giving up everything else in their lives just trying to keep everyone's head above water.

As a woman who is married without children yet I can say that both my husband and I have made a commitment to each other and to working to keep our relationship alive and healthy even if we have children.I this this issue is multi faceted and can't be boiled down to blurb from some book. loving your husband enough to be his wife once you become a mother doesn't make you a bad mother. In fact it may actually make you a better mother. if your children grow up with boundaries and a loving example they will become more well adjusted adults. I think having children is inevitably going to make things more difficult for any couple. Adding people into your life always makes it harder to keep up with the ones you already know and love, that's just life. I think the problem is that the perception is you can only be either a good wife or a good mother, and that by doing either of those things you have to lose your identity. I think as women we are capable of being so much more than one dimensional characters in someone Else's life. I can choose to be myself and as part of who I am I choose to love and commit myself to one man as my husband and I can choose to have children and love them as part of who I am, it's not necessarily a separate thing.

^You said it all for me, bransugar79.