Conventional Wisdom is a different kind of advice column. Your questions will be answered by people from all walks of life rather than by advice experts. Today, a nonfiction writer will offer her common sense advice. You can submit questions here.
Today's Question: My boyfriend and I have been together for over three years. We live together and plan on getting married someday so you better believe I love him.
His parents are alcoholics. I have always said I knew what alcoholics were like, but after meeting them, I realized I had no idea. His mother drinks nothing but alcohol and barely eats. She weighs 90 lbs and refuses to get help. His dad actually encourages her.
Recently his dad got ill and was put on dialysis but continues to drink and eat bad things and always ends up back in the ER. He was on the list to receive a kidney donation but due to his poor behavior, he was taken off the list. He can, however, be given a kidney if someone he knows will donate. So who have they turned to? Their three sons. They are now pressuring my boyfriend and his brothers to go get tested to see if they are the same blood type.
I am furious about this. Besides the fact that they are alcoholics (and yes, I know it's an illness), they are mean. Their sons break their necks to please them and get nothing in return. My boyfriend and his brothers had a horrible childhood and I can only hope the rest of his parents' lives are half as bad as what they put their kids through. I know that if his dad receives a kidney, he will go back to drinking and not take his meds and it will have all been for nothing. How can I intervene? Or should I?
— Worried For My Boyfriend's Kidneys and Sanity
To hear a nonfiction writer's advice, read more.
Dear Worried,
What a painful situation for both you and your boyfriend to be in. Of course you feel protective of the man you love. Unfortunately, this is a true life or death situation involving his father, who for better or worse is one of your boyfriend’s most significant relationships. You did not mention whether your boyfriend is seriously considering giving his father his kidney, or if he has asked for your advice. I will assume so, since you’ve written this letter.
My first instinct is to tell you to be very careful about putting yourself between your boyfriend and his family. If you encourage him not to do this (or even consider it) and he later comes to regret that choice, it could damage your relationship and your future together.
Your role is to love and support him while he makes this difficult choice, regardless of what he decides to do. Don’t come down too strongly against his parents, even though it sounds clear that they have been abusive to their children. Being raised in an alcoholic family is very psychologically complex, often leaving children with feelings of guilt and responsibility that seem confusing to others. Groups like Al-Anon exist for the people that love alcoholics to help give them perspective and support by talking to one another in a safe place. You could encourage him to find a local chapter and attend a meeting. Perhaps they could help your boyfriend explore why he would be willing to get radical surgery to help a man who is not helping himself.
Rather than building a case against his family, you could help your boyfriend gather and process information about the surgery. He needs to seriously consider the physical and emotional risks he would experience by giving up a kidney. He should meet with his father's doctor to find out what his own health risks would be, what the procedure would be like, and what his father's prognosis would be if he does continue to drink. Maybe you could accompany him to that meeting.
Sometimes the best way we can help the people we love is by helping them help themselves.
Signed, A Nonfiction Writer
Stuart Weitzman
Lacoste
Avon
I agree. I think you need to have a talk with your BF about him having the surgery, research this, any possible issues that may arise with it, etc. Also get him to consider who he is doing this for. It's not a person that one day woke up and was severely ill. Hey, it happens. This is someone who made the decision to drink everyday, etc., and he did it to himself.
However, I dont think your BF is an idiot. I think he has enough sense to see all of this for what it really is. But is worth a shot to talk to him. Don't try to turn him against his family...which will probably do more harm than good. Just give him a friendly reminder of the fact this is surgery...invasive, for HIM as well. You know, all the information.
1Alcoholism isn't an illness, it's an addiction. And family is family.
2Family may be family, but some of them aren't worth having in your life and ruining yours.
3His parents know exactly what they're doing asking those boys to consider donation. And it's a shame.
What's also a shame though is your situation. You really probably don't want to push him too much one way or another. Like Chrstne said, I'm sure he's not stupid, and he does see what his father is doing to him. What I would do is let him make his choice. If he asks your opinion tell him. But don't push him.
You received some excellent advice.
4How much does your boyfriend know about alcoholism? If he donates his kidney to his dad, he will become one of the biggest enablers ever. Obviously he wants to save his parent's life, but he can't risk his own health for someone who isn't even on the road to recovery. I think the best thing for you to do is to encourage him to learn about the surgery and the long term effects for himself and also see a therapist who is experienced in dealing with families with addictions. Hopefully the therapist will tell him all of the things you want to tell him without the pressure coming from you. I bet he will come to the right conclusion.
5You received some good advice.
I have a recovering alcholic in my family who is very closely related to me. I know that if my bf tried to force his mind on me, I would just be upset with him because he doesn't understand, even if I agreed with him.
6I like the advice already given. However, if I was in your shoes I would probably see if there was any way your bf could have legal papers drawn up stating that if he donate a kidney, the father would be legally required in exchange to enter(and remain in)a program like AA. I don't know if that's doable, but if so it might be a good way to help ensure his sacrifice wasn't in vain. Although, there is always the possibility that even suggesting legal ultimatiums might upset your bf, so I would tread lightly.
7That's a great thought Azure. If I did it for my family, there would be conditions like that in some agreement.
8I don't think you can have a legal contract like that. If he breaks the contract, what are the consequences? The son takes the kidney back? You can't enforce anything like that, and I think there are issues attaching conditions to organ donations.
9Coming from a family with many severe alcoholics and drug addicts, I would never donate a kidney to them. Not becasue I dont love them, but becasue they have tried and failed one too many times for me to go through that pain and anxiety ever again of "will it work this time around".
With that said I get very offeneded sometimes at people's opinons of how I should deal with them and do not resond well to unsolicited advise.
Your best bet is to make sure that he is aware that the end result may not be ideal if he went through with it, but you will support him no matter what his decision.
10I think it's very important to express your feelings to your boyfriend as thoroughly and gently as possible. I agree with you that he shouldn't give a body part to someone that's going to waste it, especially if they've been so hurtful in the past.
However, your boyfriend may feel differently, and ultimately, it's his choice, so state your position and be as convincing as possible, and be sure to support him whether he agrees with you or not.
If you don't tell him what you're feeling, he won't know. Like the writer says though, it's easy to damage a relationship by coming between people and their family, so you need to be supportive of him, whatever his decision may be.
11This may be a stupid question, but wouldn't something like this have to be presented to an ethics committee either way?
I agree with the advice given, despite my personal opinion that he should not offer his kidney to his father who has proven irresponsible. She should be as supportive as possible in this delicate situation, and help her boyfriend make sure he has all of the information he'll need to make a difficult decision.
12great advice! follow it
13Don't get involved. Support him, give him your opinion if he asks, but support his decision. This is his family and his kidney.
14I feel for you, because I actually have a good understanding of the situation based on experience. I would take him to his father's doctor just to have a chat. He may need to go with his dad in order to get permission to his dad's medical record. He should NOT be pushed into taking a blood test at that time. When there he can ask all the questions he wants, understand the risk to him and his father, and the benefits. You might learn there that there are even more reasons his father was taken off the donor list (he may have other problems like cirrhosis). If/when he gets a blood test I would make sure the results were kept private. He may or may not ever want to tell his dad the results. Your position in this decision is small, and I wouldn't offer my opinion unless asked. Really.
15Haha, I just read the Nonfiction writer's response. Bravo! Same damn thing!
16All of your answers make me angry, except for Chouette. The father ruined his own kidney, and now he will ruin his son's kidney. It's true that he can't help himself. So accept that he will die from his disease. How can the family even consider putting their children's healthy future at risk? This could have a direct impact on your life and happiness. Do you really want to be silent, or give "gentle" advice? But keep in mind that your boyfriend may be so shaped by his childhood that he can't make a rational decision.
17My husband has been put in this exact same situation by his step-mother who has called and asked that he give his kidney to his father. She is pressuring him to be tested and is sending him a vial for blood collection. His father is not an alcoholic, but he was abusive to my husband, stole from him, and has ignored him and his grandchildren their entire lives. Not to mention the fact that he married and divorced my husband's mother 3 times!He has abused his body as a diabetic who refused to change his lifestyle. He eats like a pig, has always been very overweight, never once monitored his blood sugar, and has been warned repeatedly by doctors to get his diabetes under control. He did this to himself, just like her boyfriend's father. He ruined his body, now he wants to ruin his son's kidney! The guilt being placed on my husband is absolutely ridiculous. I totally understand how you feel. I know I probably should be supportive and stay out of the decision, but I can't. We have three young children, and I am not going to have my husband's quality of life compromised because of his father. I am a firm believer in karma. Both of these fathers are selfish and irresponsible and have mistreated and damaged their sons. They deserve nothing.
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